Apr. 23rd, 2015

clevermanka: default (tasty ham)
Icon for no other reason than the Darling Rats tumblr has been particularly cute of late and I am missing my Hefner boy today.

Looking through that photoset (my photo-a-day tracking my 39th year) gives me some feels. My pets! My glasses! My growing-out hair (which was a PITA but did look pretty good for growing-out I gotta say)! Eating at restaurants! So much booze! I look at those photos and I see me. But as the year progresses, I see myself slipping into un-health, even though I didn't recognize it at the time. Earlier in the year, my moods are still variable--I look happy in some, grumpy in others, but I'm in some way engaged. By the end, the photos start to look monotonous and I can tell I'm sort of calling it in. Which might be due to being tired of the 365 project, but I think it's more than that. I did another 365 project a couple years later and I have the same issue with not looking like an active participant for pretty much the entire year. [livejournal.com profile] mckitterick has asked me more than once to do another project like this, but I cannot bring myself to even think about taking a photo of myself every day.

Which makes me think maybe I've been depressed on some level since late 2009? That...sucks.

This morning I realized why I hate so much doing stuff for the CSSF. I have no connection or investment with anyone but [livejournal.com profile] mckitterick. With the graduate students I have a sort of condensed cradle-to-grave relationship with them while they're in the graduate program. With the summer people, not at all. They're like retail customers.

The revelation came to me when I arrived this morning and a grad student came to ask me about fixing the printers in the grad student lab before I even got my computer turned on. It didn't bother me in the slightest that I had to go deal with a printer (ugh printers are the worst) before I'd settled in. In fact, it felt kind of nice to offer such immediate help first thing in the morning. If that had been a CSSF issue, I wouldn't have had the same emotional response. I have no involvement or motivation for helping them and honestly there's nothing that's going to develop the sort of relationship like I have with the graduate students.

It's no wonder my job dissatisfaction tends to crest this time of year, as I'm gearing up for summer CSSF stuff. If I wasn't doing that stuff, this would be the easiest time of my year and I could look forward to summer. Instead, I dread the end of the spring semester and I honestly have not had a memorably good summer since...2006? Whenever I took over management of the CSSF summer program logistics. That sucks. It also sucks that I have no idea how to stop doing it. It was great when someone took over management of the Campbell Conference, but it wasn't enough. I want so much for someone else to deal with the summer writing and institute bullshit because god damn it, I am tired of not enjoying my springs and summers.

Last night's chanting was lovely and so far I'm very much liking their new CD. The last track, which they performed second-to-last was especially lovely. I could pick out a high harmony and started singing it softly, which Kaminaya maybe could hear because she invited people "Please harmonize if you wish" after the third call-and-response and enough people did that it sounded amazing. Since I gave up on maintaining my voice years (decades) ago, kirtans are the only time I do any group singing. Even though I don't buy into a shred of the religious aspects, I do think singing with others can be a spiritually fulfilling experience. I don't need to do it frequently, but it's nice once in a while. Everybody is always so happy at these things, too, and while I will never be that happy of a person (it's just not my nature and that's fine), it's fun to see people being so unabashedly joyful for a couple hours.

I don't want or need to feel that kind of bliss all the time, but I would like to get back to my mental space of early 2009--at least what I see represented in those photos. But I don't even remember what that was like. How do I get back there from here? I haven't a clue.

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