clevermanka: default (ass2)
Still coughing (productive cough, gross), but my throat isn't as sore, and energy levels are better. I usually have a sinus pressure headache by evening, though. [ profile] mckitterick started feeling a sore throat last night, poor guy.

I've determined our mysterious skin-nibblers are pin oak mites. I didn't get a single bite during the four days I spent indoors during my convalescence, but after my walk home from work yesterday, I have four. Two on my neck (ugh), one on my right side near the bottom of my ribs, and one just under my left armpit. I hope the one on my neck doesn't bruise like the one on my right arm, which is still a two-inch across discoloration two weeks later. They all itch so bad. Even the old, bruised one still itches occasionally. Lucky me, I get to walk to and fro across campus twice today, and then walk home. Can't wait to see what I wake up with tomorrow. I'll try showering as soon as I get home. See if that helps.

Despite my comparative non-compliance with the prescribed exercises this month (too tired to do them twice a day), PT guy Tim was happy with my progress. I tested negative for both labrum and SI joint/sciatic inflammation. We spent a lot of time (drumroll, please!) working on setup for deadlift. He showed me some small adjustments I can make to allow for tight hips and ankles that will protect my knees and back.

But before I start lifting anything, I'll be working on increasing my general stamina by...walking. PT guy Tim told me to limit walks to a half mile at first and pay close attention to my gait. When it starts to change/falter, I need to slow down or stop. I heard there was a small indoor track at the free (old, cheap) gym available to faculty/staff, but I've never seen it and I don't know if it's still open. Waiting on a call back about that. No way am I taking outside walks any more than I need to. If the indoor track thing falls through, I might just use my lunch break to walk around the upstairs part of my building (where I do my hourly walkabout). It's only 1/6 of a mile so gets kind of dull, but it's better than being eaten alive.

I'm also feeling a little more confident about resuming yoga after the all-clear. I won't be doing anything fancy. None of that wonderful prep for hanuamnasana for a while, but some nice, gentle hip-openers with basic strengthening poses will be good.

Movement in general will be good. Not being able to exercise/feel strong has a negative influence on my eating habits. I don't like to police my eating, but with an eating disorder, I do have to be aware of my eating habits. I let those slip somewhat egregiously over the last six months. I'm honestly a bit concerned about fitting into last year's winter clothes so it's time to reverse that trend before I switch out the seasonal wardrobes.

Current goal: Fitting back into the jeans I'm wearing in that icon.
clevermanka: default (blah)
Obviously they have not fixed the AC problem. They thought they did, but neglected to contact anyone in the affected building to confirm the problem was actually fixed. Typical.

I have an appointment with Dr. Jonah tonight and instead of driving back to Lawrence, I'm staying the night in KC with [ profile] miischelle so I have only a half-hour drive to the airport tomorrow morning instead of a 75-90 minute drive. That's good, because this is, I think, gonna be a full flight and I don't want to get on it with an hour and a half in the car behind me. I checked in online this morning, fifteen minutes after the slot opened up for online cattle call (ugh, Southwest), and I'm in the second half of B boarding group. For a 5:30am flight. Ugh. I decided to check my luggage. I don't want to be That Person trying to find space in an overhead bin. It's a non-stop flight so hopefully nothing will go wrong.

My stomach is so swollen today it's touching the keyboard rest of my standing desk. Compared to this image, I am equivalent to the fifth stage of this image (first image on bottom row). Much big. So discomfort.

God it's so fucking hot in here. My office has no air movement. This is miserable. It's not even noon.

I am strongly tempted to tap out early today.
clevermanka: default (bonecruncher)
Allergies. Sigh. Once in a while I think about trying a low-histamine diet, but then I get depressed and overwhelmed because oh my god cut more things from my food options? UGH. The complete lack of results with 90 days on the auto-immune protocol diet doesn't encourage me to try another elimination diet anytime soon.

Also, this happened yesterday:

PT guy Tim gave me a fix that will alleviate a bit of the pressure on the shoulder in that pose, but it's still gonna be tender for a couple days. Typical.

For later reference: Pre-workout alignment exercises.

This evening I'm gonna break out my new serger knowledge and see if I can't re-fashion some of these thrift-store clothes that've been piling up in the sewing room. So excited! If I like the process and the results, I'm gonna open up an Etsy store for them. I did a lot of searches on Etsy and all the refashioned post-apocalyptic stuff is either costumey and so not really wearable for daily use (although gorgeous--and expensive) or just...shockingly amateur. This, for instance. Fucking brilliant idea. Terrible execution. I do like the D-ring strap shorts she's selling. But again, they don't look finished, somehow.

Speaking of finished, here's my self-insert fanart! It'll post on Tumblr tomorrow, but y'all get a sneak preview today. After looking at it for a while, I see a few places I'd like to add things. Maybe someday? But not now. Also, I need a better way to scan these babies. It's $10 a pop every time at FedEx/Kinko's and I think that's just fucking outrageous. If anyone local has access to something that will flat scan 14"x17" images, let me know.

Last night I made some food for a friend going through a rough time to save her and her husband the hassle of cooking for a few days. Caring for select individuals makes me feel good, and to be honest, cooking is probably the thing I'm best at (besides giving unflinching and often unwanted life advice). Making someone's life a little easier makes me feel necessary and appreciated, so win-win!

I have one more evening of solitude tonight while [ profile] mckitterick wraps up his CSSF Summer activities. Hurray for getting one more night of puttering around the house with loud music and scented candles but also hurray for (starting tomorrow), getting laid on a regular basis again!

So despite getting not nearly enough sleep last night (ugh, 3am thunderstorms), and having a constant dull ache in my shoulder, I feel pretty good today. How's your day/weekend/life shaping up, friends?

clevermanka: default (dS icon 1)
Someone on Tumblr suggested a self-insert fanart weekend and I'm going to see if I can possibly put together a piece of art for it. I want to find a famous painting of someone officiating a wedding (or some sort of ceremony with two people in it) and collage myself (officiating) Fraser and RayK. I considered doing a version of American Gothic with myself as a floating angel/putta above them, but there's enough interpretations of that painting floating around and it's actually an image of a farmer and his daughter, so making that into a romantic thing is kind of gross. Also thinking about just using a screen cap of the two of them and then pasting my head on a cherub and calling it good. I'm going to look around this morning for the base image/painting, but if anyone has suggestions, I'm open.

I ate like so much crap this weekend and I feel so gross today that I am on a complete strict Whole30 style eating plan until I leave for Las Vegas. It was a very easy decision, let me tell you. Ugh. I feel hungover in my guts. Just ugh. So if anyone needs a solidarity sister for fixing up your eating habits, I'm here.

Edit/Update: I just spent an egregiously long time looking for classical cupid/putti images that I could paste my head on and found nothing I liked very much. Not to mention putti in poses that would fit face angles in my numerous selfies. So I might be scrapping this idea of the self-insert fanart thing. Maybe if I had more time to leisurely browse for images? But if I was gonna get it done for the weekend I'd need the images by the time I leave here today to start work on it as soon as I get home and at this point I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.

I did find a high quality Fraser/RayK screencap to use if someone asks for fanart in that pairing for this year's dS Sekrit Santa.
clevermanka: default (punch it)
I want a print of the fourth piece of art in this Toast essay.

Maggie Stiefvater posted a really great techno/electronica playlist on Tumblr.

My left hip is still bugging me and I think it's two things. One, I might have been overstretching and...sprained it a little? Oops. I've been babying it during my PT exercises (which omg you guys so exhausting) and it's feeling a little better already. Two, though. Ugh. Two, I think it's the extra weight I've put on in the past couple months. I had a hard time returning to structured eating after 221B Con, which I mentioned at the time, but I still am snacking way too much (like, at all) and so much dried fruit and nuts. I know my joints hurt more and regularly when I creep over 165lbs. I haven't weighed myself in ages, but I bet I'm up around there, if not over. [ profile] mckitterick's also unhappy with the bit of belly he's acquired recently, so the two of us made a pact for a full calendar year--until Memorial Day 2016--to be the most physically-conscious versions of ourselves and see how fit and healthy we can possibly get in 365 days.

As always, if doing stuff like this with other people helps inspire you or keep you on track, feel free to join us!

clevermanka: default (ass2)
I'm so excited! I love three day weekends, and I get to start this one a little early, even. Today is a half day at work for me. I'm off at noon to get my hair cut. It's getting pretty straggly and even though I like the wild rat-nest look, I want a healthy rat nest, you know? Right after that, I'm off to Warrensburg, MO, to pick up my entire hog that I bought this year (previously I've only bought a half). So. Much. Pork. It's kind of a long drive (about an hour and a half), but this pork is special. And their sausage blend has nothing in it I can't eat. AMAZING. And DELICIOUS.

I had a follow-up session with Star on Wednesday and my hips are already so much better. I had a few hours where I was just freezing that evening, and yes, we're having colder than normal weather right now, but I was inside and under blankets for godssake. I remember the same weird chill happened last time, too, only a day later. Things seem to be on an accelerated schedule this time around. Neat!

Although I've been diligent in my physical therapy exercises, my yoga practice has fallen by the wayside lately. I've been trying to stock up on time with [ profile] mckitterick before he takes off for his annual Month of Unavailability. He's at the local SF convention this weekend, though, and starting May 31 he'll be gone most evenings and weekends. I'll be using that time to re-incorporate my yoga practice. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm also looking forward to a month of not cooking dinners on a regular basis. I enjoy making dinner for us most nights, but it'll be good to have a few weeks of eating pre-prepped Bowl of Food in the evening instead of using that time to cook and then clean. It'll also be a chance for me to clean up my act eating-wise. I'm just gonna put all the nuts in a cabinet and consider it off limits. I might re-arrange the kitchen a bit so those items aren't right at eye-level, too. Just put all the snack stuff for [ profile] mckitterick in one cabinet and then let it become invisible to me. Oh, the weird little tricks I have to play on myself sometimes when it comes to food. Goes to show you never really get over an eating disorder, I guess.

The collection of Mad Max articles is going up on Tuesday, the day after Memorial Day, along with a Tumblr collection of Mad Max articles, gifs, and commentary. If you've got anything you think would make a good contribution, please leave a link in the comments!


May. 19th, 2015 10:10 am
clevermanka: default (blah)
My hips are getting sore and stiff again. Hurray for seeing Star again tomorrow! And the PT guy, and Dr. Jonah--it's a long morning in KC for me. In a way, it's kind of cool that the issue is returning. Very few issues are solved in a single fix-it session, and this slight regression somehow makes the healing process more real.

Here are more office stretches that you don't even need to leave your desk to do.

There are squirrels or birds (or both) in the dropped ceiling at the office. This happens every year. Oh, spring.

I've been eating for crap lately and I can't be assed to care. Last night I had a green salad with dried fruit, toasted almonds, and chopped strawberries. For dessert (like I needed dessert--that salad was sweet enough to be a dessert), apple slices with almond butter. WTF, self. There's this stuff called protein. And remember how you're supposed to limit your intake of raw food? Yeah.

Today's Tumblr is Tuesday, May 19: Rain.
clevermanka: default (going well)
I do not feel good.

I'm swollen like whoa. Woke up this morning already swollen. Thirty-nine inches around my navel (that's over my shirt, but still). My usual navel measurement is around 32". I don't know if this the new supplements I'm taking or that I'm eating like crap lately (for my value of "crap").

Last night's yoga was difficult. I was slightly out of breath and my arms were exhausted after five sun salutations. My left side was weak and unstable in the standing poses. My back twinged coming out of every lunging stance.

I didn't sleep well because of mild but constant stomach discomfort, which I carried around pretty much all day yesterday. I had a little bit of pain after I took this morning's supplements, but that seems to have calmed down, even if the swelling hasn't.

This weekend I tried a baking soda clarifying treatment on my hair which pulled out a lot of build-up (the paste that fell out of my hair afterward was a disgusting yellowish-pink) but also pulled out a lot of my curl. I'm not happy about that and I'm not sure how to get the curl back. I'm treating it every day with a curl-enhancing conditioner and then my usual curl lotion, but it's still pretty limp. MERMAID HAIR NO MORE.

I took photos of my outfits last week and yesterday, but the camera I used is such crap that the photos were useless. I couldn't tell in some photos if those were skirts with tights or just leggings and I was the one wearing the clothes. So I need to use the better camera--which a problem because it's a big digital SLR thing and not a teeny click-and-shoot so it'll block a portion of my body--or deal with using a timer so I can use flash instead of shooting myself in the mirror. Or do both. UGH. I am not sure I'm that committed to documenting my fashion statements, y'all.

The CSSF summer stuff is rolling in. I told [ profile] mckitterick that this was my last year helping out with housing stuff. I won't do it anymore. It makes me miserable. Sucks for him, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness on that altar anymore.

On top of all of that, I'm kind of broke. I spent more money last month than I realized, and I'm due to buy a hog in the next couple weeks. Time for austerity measures.

Some small good news, at least. I got the referral to see the MovNat guy at Elite Physical Therapy in Kansas City. He had an opening for tomorrow at 5pm so I took it even though it means driving to KC twice in two days.

Today's Tumblr collection is Tuesday, April 28: Nature.

Update: One of our lecturers just made me feel better about life. He came into my office and said "Manka, this is a weird question, but I feel like of anyone here, you might be able to help me. Do you have any dental floss?" And because I floss like it's my religion, I did.

Take your victories where you can, folks.

Update 2: Just finished lunch and here come the stomach cramps again.

Okay, so Resolution Time. Squeaky-clean eating habits for the next week so I can figure out if it's my shitty eating lately (so many nuts/dried fruit treats) or the new supplementation program.


Apr. 2nd, 2015 09:39 am
clevermanka: default (i am so happy!)
After reading this comment from [ profile] sherwood21 about Monday night's yoga/body experience, I got a little choked up because it just makes me so happy when someone finds a good place for themselves about their body--especially in yoga, but with any physical activity, really. And then I read [ profile] redheadfae's comment and I legitimately started to cry at my desk. Seriously, I am just barely holding it together here.

I love helping people discover joy and happiness in their bodies, y'all. I love it. Yesterday, [ profile] mckitterick and I had a conversation about livelihoods and careers and we came to the conclusion that I prefer doing something different every day. This I'm not sure when it happened. I used to love routine and schedules and knowing exactly what I was going to be doing when. I still want reliability, but the idea of focusing on a different aspect of my job (if, say, my job was something nebulous, like "helping people discover joy and happiness in their bodies") would be ideal.

These little insights are helpful and also terrifying. Because no matter how some things shift and change in my internal landscape, I am still risk- and change-adverse.

I also had a realization about my latest stomach issues. I think it's the new supplements. We're weeding and seeding my gut flora, so it makes sense that I've got weirdness going on in there. I'm sure most people don't suffer debilitating pain, but Special Snowflake Me probably shouldn't have been taken by surprise. Of course my innards are going to hurt when they start changing. It would also explain the sweet cravings which (unfortunately) I gave into by purchasing a fresh pineapple on Tuesday. I didn't even think about the problems that might cause! As you might imagine, I've also got some considerable swelling going on.

So the pineapple's going into a pitcher for infused water and that's it. I'm cutting out all fruit (dried and fresh) for the next three days to see if that helps calm things down.

I might actually have done myself a disservice with yesterday's smoothies, but oh well, live and learn.
clevermanka: default (Hello Kitty Poops)
Two posts today--I'm posting the other one separately because it's happy and I want it to stand (ar ar ar--you'll get that later) on its own.

This is the kind of sucky post, which I'll post second so it'll show up on feeds first. That's weird, isn't it?

Anyway, I had another rough night with my tum. No excruciating pain, but just residual aching and soreness. Enough to keep me from falling into deep sleep. When I did sleep, I had discomforting dreams about medical stuff. Exams, nurses who obviously knew something was wrong but wouldn't tell me anything, frustration, anxiety, lots of blood. Not scary, but stressful.

Of course I was exhausted this morning, so I called in sick to work. I put together a yoga series for stomachache/indigestion and did that before making myself a banana/greens/ginger/chia smoothie*. I'm gonna see if a liquid diet today helps things calm down in there. Smoothies for me are kind of tricky--I'm not supposed to eat many raw foods. But I think my GI tract just needs a fucking break once in a while and now is one of those times.

For lunch I'm going to try making something with cooked carrot puree and maybe sauteed pineapple?

If I'm not feeling better tomorrow, well, I see Dr. Khosh on Friday and I can talk to him about this new(ish) development then.

221B Con is a week from tomorrow and damned if I don't do everything in my power to at least be back to my version of feeling good/normal by then.

* 1/2 banana, 1 big handful of greens, 2 T soaked chia seeds, 1/2 t powdered ginger, 1/2 c almond milk, 1 raw duck egg
clevermanka: default (circus)
I woke up this morning dizzy with exhaustion. I literally swayed on my feet as I walked out of the bedroom. Returning to work for full eight-hour days this week was perhaps premature. There's a fellowship deadline tomorrow but I'm not sure if that's an internal deadline for department faculty review or if it's a college deadline for nominee submission. Once I hear from my boss about that I'll decide if I can take tomorrow off. I would've called in this morning but I thought the other secretary was out today (I was wrong, it's next week) and I have a website training session and an important meeting this afternoon.

That's all gonna go real well.

I assume everyone has seen this video of Sergei Polunin dancing to "Take Me to Church." I am, apparently, the only person on the planet who was...not all that impressed by it? His talent and ability are amazing, don't get me wrong, but I feel like the artistic interpretation is lacking/wrong/nonexistent. To my eye/mind, the mood swings of the choreography don't match the music and many of the overt emotional actions (like the head in hands motif, which is repeated a few times) seem cliched as performed. He's lovely, don't misunderstand, but...I'm not feeling the musical interpretation. Could be I just don't understand ballet, which is entirely possible. [ profile] shanmonster, if you're reading this, I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Because of various allergies, I can't wear lipsticks, especially ones that can be chewed/licked off (for special events, I'll use the CoverGirl Outlast stuff, but only for a few hours and I have to concentrate on not licking or biting my lips). However, for my lovelies who can wear it, this stuff looks awesome. For those of you who don't/can't wear lipsticks but like/love/are obsessed by lip balms, this brand of (plain, uncolored, unflavored) balm is the shit. I found it locally at the Community Mercantile and oh my god it's amazing. AMAZING. I'm having a difficult time bringing myself to use any of my other balms (and I have a lot of them) instead of these. My favorite is the Purely Coconut which isn't listed on the Alaffia main website which makes me very nervous and I feel like maybe I should stock up now? I have a reputation for having my favorite anything (makeup, menu items, entire places of business) being discontinued.

Marvel's announcement of Civil War was the catalyst that began my disenchantment and triggered my emotional divorce from MCU. I mean, I'll still go see the movies (probably), but my psychological investment? Gone. This latest bullshit made me realize I'd done the right thing. Related to that, now that my investment in several fandoms (Marvel, Sherlock, Supernatural) has dramatically decreased in the past year, I think I'll start reading fashion blogs again. It's been a long time since I followed things like Fashion Week, or the seasonal designer shows. Just in time for New York Fashion Week!

In other news, I'm still not eating much/well. Three times this morning I've gone to my little fridge here at the office to look at my food options (zucchini spaghetti, chocolate chili, chicken soup, and squash curry) and every time my stomach rolls and cramps a bit and I just...ugh. I'm 90% sure it's psychological, but I just can't make myself eat. So much time and effort spent teaching myself not to eat when I'm not hungry, and of course this is the side effect.
clevermanka: default (bonecruncher)
I'm having a difficult time returning to reasonable eating. I have a strange combination of loving to eat (I mean, wow do I fucking love food) and loving how I feel in a fasted state (decreased inflammation, clarity of thought, control). Coupled with a 30+ year eating disorder that was/is a combination of anorexia and compulsive/binge eating, it's a nasty thing. I am alternately controlled by my desire for food and my desire to have control over food. I love how I feel when I (over)eat and I love how I feel when I don't eat.

Confusing, isn't it? On one hand, it's like win-win I'm happy either way! But on the other (rational, reasonable) side, it's super fucked up.

I've talked about my eating problems before, but for those who haven't heard the story: My compulsive and binge eating habits started when I was a kid, visiting my paternal grandparents. Of course both sets of grandparents loved me (because I was a fucking awesome kid), but my dad's parents, man. They doted on me. Adored me. Had pet names for me like Baby Doll and Pistol Packer (no idea). I was the only child of their only child, who was born very late to them and was himself a spoiled Golden Child Who Could Do No Wrong. And Gramma, well, her favorite thing to do was eat and her favorite thing to eat was sweets and that is what she shared with me. She was the one who introduced me to miniature powdered sugar gem donuts, eaten straight out of the white paper bag. When I visited them, I would sleep in her bed with her and we would secretly eat bagfuls of Reese's Miniature Peanut Butter Cups in bed after tooth-brushings so my parents wouldn't know. My mother limited my sugar intake at home (in all the wrong ways, poor mom, you tried) but there was no monitoring when it came to visits with Gramma. Clandestine eating was a joyful experience and it's something I still struggle with because secret eating feels god damned delightful.

And now, forty years later, I still (less often than before, thankfully), want to occasionally hide myself in a room and eat sweet things until my tongue is sore from sugar burn. I am (again, thankfully), past the times when I would become psychologically consumed by the idea of consuming a certain food (usually miniature powdered sugar gem donuts), but the general feelings are still there, lurking in the back of my brain and whispering "you know you'd feel better" because I know I would feel better. I never felt (or feel) guilty about my secret eating unless I am caught doing so. If I get away with the binge, nobody the wiser, I don't feel a shred of guilt. In fact, it pleases me--both the eating and the getting away with it.

In seventh grade, I discovered the joys of deprivation. Thanks to a childhood of questionable eating habits and absolutely no encouragement to physical activity (in my parents defense, no one has ever been able to convince me to do anything I didn't want to do and I most certainly didn't want to do sports because people, ugh), I was a pudgy pre-teen who was tired of being one of the fat girls in school. I started not-eating. I was selective about it, though, and my eleven-year-old brain discovered that the satisfaction I'd found in secret eating could be approximated (if not duplicated) by secret not-eating. I stopped eating breakfast, ate a minimal lunch, and had a regular dinner in the evening with my family.

My mother, if she noticed, never said anything. Perhaps she was relieved I was finally cutting back on my food intake. After all, she was the first person who pointed out to me (when I was in fourth or fifth grade) that I was fat. She'd struggled with her weight since she was pregnant with me. Maybe she was grateful to see a sign that maybe I wouldn't go through the same thing. Honestly, though, she probably never noticed.

Didn't notice, that is, until in eighth grade home-ec, we had to make a food diary. I didn't bother lying, and at the end of the week the teacher pointed out to me that I was eating only 800 calories a day. And then it was never mentioned again. Probably, you know, because I was fat and they were all trying to save me from life as a (god forbid) fat adult. And sure enough, a few years later, my body went through puberty (very late, and gosh I wonder why) and my chub just...went away. At sixteen, I was 5'7", 130lbs, and 34-24-36. Not eating had totally paid off. Score!

So that cycle of hidden binging/hidden fasting continued until, well, today if I'm honest because after last week's bout with the flu and three days of minimal intake, it's been super difficult for me to return to normal eating. This happens every time I have an extended period (two or more days) of near-fasting. I already don't eat that much, even normally. My 800-calorie-a-day eating habits (which continued through high school) took their expected toll so that my resting metabolic rate (I've had it tested--twice) is about 1,190 calories a day. So when I say I'm not eating much I'm really not eating much. And that's obviously a problem.

Fucking eating disorders. Even when I'm past the body-consciousness stuff, when I no longer care about my round belly, when my self-worth is not defined by how much or little space I take up, the psychological tug-of-war between eat and don't eat still affects me. Because damn it, either extreme still feels really, really good. Do they feel better than healthful, mindful, appropriate eating?

I wouldn't know.

I am thinking about revising this into an article for The Toast. If anybody who has experience with writing/critiquing personal essays wants to help me with that, let me know and we'll work about some sort of equitable repayment, possibly in bloomers or somesuch. Dang. Just checked their submission rules: "We accept only original material; we cannot publish anything that has appeared elsewhere, even if it’s just on your personal blog or Tumblr." Guess I shoulda read that first.
clevermanka: default (gas mask)
I'm feeling a bit better every day, but god, still tired. So tired.

Today's Tumblr is Tuesday, February 10: Colors.

Speaking of colors, [ profile] msmitti sent me a link to these lamps and oh my god I want, like, all of them. Seriously. I've thought/talked about hanging a whole bunch of lamps from the (very high) living room ceiling instead of installing one large light fixture and holy wow how beautiful would it look to have eight to ten of these hanging from the ceiling, all Hagia Sophia-like?

A little more easily-purchased and -implemented is this zucchini noodle maker which the Bed Bath & Beyond website tells me is in stock at my local store. I'm planning to make zucchini spaghetti for dinner tonight and you know, I think I'm gonna pick this guy up on my way home from this evening's session with Dr. Jonah.

Cut for more body talk )
clevermanka: default (crap)
Apparently this thing has a two-stage process where it gives you false hope the second day and lets you feel a teensy bit better. But on the third day, after the coughing, body aches, and fever have abated, it hits you with a studded bat of headache, nausea, throbbing swollen eyes, and dizziness.


To make sure that weight loss wasn't just dehydration, I measured myself this morning.

Sunday's stats:
Weight: 169.4
Waist: 33.5"
Navel: 40.5"
Hips: 44"

Today's stats:
Weight: 163.6
Waist: 32"
Navel: 39"
Hips: 42"

And that's all I've got energy for. I came upstairs to lie down for a bit before trying some yoga and I fell asleep for two hours. Pretty sure I'm not gonna make my five days of intentional movement this week. Lucky me I'm having no problem sticking to the Whole30 since I'm pretty much just not eating anything.


Dec. 30th, 2014 09:00 am
clevermanka: default (post-dance)
Right after I post this, I'm going to do a quick search for a yoga flows or series designed for Restorative Time When Your Uterus is Trying to Exit Your Body. I'm not willing to put my Five Days of Movement on hold just because I'm bleeding and cramping to the point where I want to curl up and die. If I find a series of poses that works particularly well for me, I'll post about it.

I am not going to lie, this Tumblr post from the folks at Archie McPhee almost made me weep. Y'all who can eat pizza need to make one of these and eat it while thinking of me. Someday. Okay? SOMEONE. PLEASE.

Today's Tumblr is Tuesday, December 30: Maps.
clevermanka: default (circus)
Today's Tumblr is Tuesday, December 2: Trees.

Does anyone else remember this clip from the Muppet Show? I remember being, like, eight years old and laughing my ass off at this. It was on one of their albums, too, and I would laugh at that, even without the visual.

I'm in a good space today. Last night I slept for slightly more than eight hours (whaaaaaaaaaat!) and it was, apparently, adequate and restful because I feel great physically and mentally. I think it's been about a week since I upped my progesterone supplement (could have sworn I documented that but I guess not), and I also started standing on my vibration platform again yesterday, so maybe that combo is helping? Whatever, I'll take it. SLEEP IS GOOD.

I have two posts swirling around in my head right now. One is how I've started dealing with anger and directing it in a positive fashion. The other is an exploration of my recent introspection about depression and how it affects some people (me) differently. Of course right now is the busiest time of year for me and I don't have a lot of time for writing long thinky posts. I'm adding to them when I can, though, and would like to get those posted and out of my head in time for the new year. I'm not a big fan of new year's resolutions, but setting goals for the new year is a huge thing in our culture. I'm not immune to the influence of feeling like a fresh start on January 1 is somehow blessed.

Edit: Oh! I forgot to mention my appetite is back, but it's in a very changed form. I've always been one of those people who doesn't have a stop eating switch. Like, unless my stomach is stuffed full, I can always push more food down. Which is why it's so weird when my appetite disappears (and that usually only happens in times of severe emotional stress). On Sunday, I started to develop an interest in food again and that was really great, but it's different now. Last night after I ate a regular-sized meal (half a sweet potato, about 1/2 cup cooked spinach, and a good-sized chicken thigh), I felt comfortably full. I thought about the brownies that are sitting in the fridge right now, but I wasn't interested in eating one. I just wasn't hungry.

This is kind of huge.
clevermanka: default (post-dance)
Soooooo I called in sick to work today. Couldn't do it. I've not had more than six hours of sleep a night in a week. I've had a headache since Monday morning. I haven't eaten more than maybe half a cup of food at a time since Friday night's dinner (and I'm probably only getting maybe two cups of food in me a day, all total). My stomach is delicate and tender and I'm Just. Fucking. Wiped. Physically, emotionally, mentally, everything-ally. I couldn't even finish this fucking banana I tried to eat for breakfast. I LOVE FOOD YOU GUYS. This is so weird.

When I saw Dr. Jonah last night I asked him about the radically decreased appetite. He thought it was interesting but said not to worry about it until it lasts for a week, which will be this Saturday. Could be that my body is simply ready to (finally) release a whole bunch of nastiness it's been storing for years and too much food intake isn't conducive to its style of purging.

Speaking of purging, I'm starting to do things to help rid myself of anger. I'm gonna make a separate post about it because that's a really big deal for me, but I don't have it in me to write it all out now, at least not all at once. But yeah, changes. Emotional growth. MY FAVORITE.

And now I'm going to hit the grocery store for just a few things so I don't have to leave the house again until Sunday if I don't want to. I might also run by Kinko's to get my dSSS piece scanned so I can upload it early (the deadline isn't for another three weeks, but if I can get that off my plate why not). Then maybe a nap.
clevermanka: default (Hello Kitty Poops)
Breaking Muscle posted an article on the top ten foods to fight inflammation. I'll not be re-introducing beans (for a number of reasons), but most of these could stand to have better representation in my diet. I think I saw hemp seeds at Costco last time I was there. I've fought the smoothie/juicing trend for a long time because I really do think it's not always helpful to drink one's calories. But when I'm dealing with such massive amounts of inflammation, I can't help wondering if this might not be a bad avenue to explore, even if just temporarily. I did feel a bit better (and lost several inches of abdominal inflammation) when I was on the pureed-food SCD experiment. Hm.

On The Toast a couple days ago, there was a discussion about public bathroom etiquette, and a reader posted the comment that an employee she supervises used to hole up in the handicapped stall and write Star Trek fanfiction out loud. OH MY GOD why does this stuff never happen to me? No, no, I get the bathroom where the same person stinks it up every damn morning before 8:30am. I get the bathroom where the cleaning staff left vomit on the door of the second stall for four days before I finally called in a complaint. I get the bathroom where the accessible stall is constantly being used by (usually freshman or sophomore) women who use it to administer their morning prep including curling their hair, yes, despite the fact that they somehow made it to campus sans make-up and the whole room smells like shit because the same person stinks it up every damn morning before 8:30am. Some people get the equivalent of real-time Star Trek fan fiction podcasts and I get that. Typical.

I'm back at work today, but am wearing sunglasses at my desk because Jesus everything is so bright. Also, I have zero appetite which is not great because even though I have rock solid blood sugar stability, I need to eat eventually but man it's hard for me to force down food when I'm not feeling it.

To be honest, I'm considering leaving here early. I have two busy weekends in a row coming up (one of which includes my fall trip to Indianapolis and the other which includes a visit from [ profile] mckitterick's folks and my second visit to the Renaissance Festival), and then starting October 13, the other secretary is gone for two weeks which means no time off for me unless I am bleeding out my eyeballs or worse.

A friend of mine sent me this video, which is awesome and going in my eventual Tumblr collection, "Dogs."

Update: 11:58am Okay, yeah, making myself eat some lunch was a really bad idea.
clevermanka: default (azucena reclining)
Did someone around here want a crack at that adrenal fatigue book I mentioned a while back? I returned it to [ profile] redheadfae and she reminded me that somebody asked about it but I don't remember who. It's up for grabs if you're interested.

This is terrifying: Escape from Duggarville. Vyckie Garrison was once a minor celebrity in the Quiverfull Movement, made famous by TV’s Duggar family. As a devout, Bible-believing Christian and the mother of seven homeschooled children, Garrison spent 16 years, with her husband, publishing a newspaper for families on a similar path. Today, via a website called No Longer Quivering, she publishes resources for women leaving the movement. Recently she addressed American Atheists about her experience. This article is an abridged version of her remarks.

The thing that I find most horrifying about Quiverfull (and other vague, non-denominational conservative xtian movements) is the complete lack of condemnation about it that I hear from other xtians. I bet the people at the church my parents attend (you know, the one where my dad works as a lay pastor and the one where he says he probably wouldn't keep his job if they knew he voted for Obama) are mostly quiet supporters of it. Or at least they wouldn't feel it was their business to help support a woman in their congregation trying to escape her Quiverfull life. Disgusting.

I didn't get to produce anything this weekend, but I at least felt productive. I got over half of my pattern collection out of the house, and the sewing room is better for it. The stuff I had stashed under the cutting table is now in one of the four-drawer vertical files that used to house patterns and I'm slowly clearing stuff out of the closet. The water guns are winging their way to their deserving recipient and one big roll of fabric was returned to its owner since I am never going to make that coat he commissioned (I'm not taking any more sewing commissions except for bloomers).

One important thing I noticed during my four-day impromptu vacation was that my appetite was significantly less when I was doing stuff at home. Even though I had easier access to snacks and probably more reason to want them--especially Thursday and Friday (hello again, 25 day cycle, nice to have you back). I wonder how much of my hunger pangs at work are triggered by emotional eating needs. It also felt so good to not sit all day. I was in a good mood almost the whole time, despite sleeping poorly because of night cramping. I've been making myself stick to that hourly walkabout schedule today. I've been slacking off on that lately. NO MORE.

Sunday [ profile] mckitterick and I went out to KCRF [ profile] renniemom mentioned it feels like a different faire, and it really does. Fewer participants in the lanes, although there were a lot of patrons for it being a Sunday and only third weekend. It seemed like overall the energy was low. Of course, that could be attributable to what I hear were miserable weather conditions on Saturday. We stayed for about four hours. I saw lots of people, participants and a few surprise patrons whom I was pleased to encounter--good timing. I made two purchases, saw two shows, ate some kettlecorn, and then I was glad to come home. As I was unloading the dishwasher at 5:47, I thought "I'd be counting out my tip money now," and a wave of incredible relief washed over me. Y'all I made such the right decision to retire.

Update: Just past noon, my left hip started to ache from the sitting. This, after a 45-minute yoga session this morning, and an hourly walk. My body is really tired of sitting. It would really like to stop sitting for a living. Maybe that standing desk needs to actually happen.


Aug. 27th, 2014 08:09 am
clevermanka: default (against the ropes)
Oh, friends. I am running out of steam. [ profile] siro_gravity mentioned a couple days ago that I hadn't been chatty much and indeed, no, I haven't.

The majority of my mental energy has been used in public conversations and private considerations of race and white privilege and it is exhausting. I hold in awe people of color who deal with this shit every god damned minute of every god damned day. You all are amazing. Please have my esteem, sympathy, and respect forever and ever.

One of the posts I want to write soon is about my motivations for being such a vocal proponent for equality and justice for all. I just can't do it justice (heh) right now. I am too tired.

Another factor influencing my exhaustion is the fact that I don't think I fully recovered from spraining my back in July. I took two weeks off, then resumed training, then hurt it again, then went to Comic-Con, and then was gun-shy about returning to activity, and then failed to do active and proper recovery work, and now I'm just a fucking mess, physically.

My inflammation and swelling are horrible, I'm tired all the time, and this month my body decided to resume its old 22 day cycle. I'm mostly sleeping through the night, and when I do wake up I'm able to fall back asleep, but I don't know how well I'm resting because Christ I am so tired. I'm tired nearly from the time I get up until the time I go to bed, with a small afternoon window of energy. In other words, pretty much textbook timing for adrenal fatigue, which I know kicks me into a chronic fatigue spiral.

So I'm looking at another period of clawing my way out of this fucking health hellhole and god damn that is just depressing as hell you guys. It's rough to do it once or twice but I feel like I've been climbing for the past fifteen years. And just when I think "Hey! I'm finally out of the well!" or even "Hey! I can finally grab the bucket!" something knocks me off the edge back down to the bottom.

*cue pity party music*

I was planning to take a week off work for a staycation (seriously my favorite type of vacation I am not lying) sometime this semester but it needs to happen sooner rather than later.

My relief at not doing Renaissance Festival this year cannot be described in words. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.

So that's where I am right now. I'm already pursuing new strategies, too. I bought a registration? membership? thing? at ph360, an online program that adjusts food and exercise recommendations based on one's changing health. It told me to cut out some of my favorite foods (no cruciferous vegetables, no egg yolks--not even duck eggs, no alcohol, no a lot of other things), but suggested some things I've been avoiding (like butter lettuce and alfalfa sprouts, because they're raw). Since I haven't noticed any improvement in my body's reaction toward the foods I have been eating, I figure why not try incorporating salads more often? And that's been nice, especially with our current weather. I'm also going to attend an open house of a chiropractor/holistic health dude in KC that [ profile] otterdancing sees. Feel him out to see if he's someone I can work since I think I've about exhausted what Dr. Khosh can do for me.

One step forward, two steps back. But at least I'm not lying down and letting the current carry me the wrong way. Still fighting. I'm having a hard time getting my hands up but I'm still standing.


clevermanka: default (Default)

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