Jinxed it

Sep. 18th, 2015 07:23 am
clevermanka: default (crap)
I knew I shouldn'tve mentioned I was sleeping well. Been up since 2. Dozed a tiny bit in the four and a half hours since I woke, but never really slept. And it thundering right now, so no point in staying home to sleep.

Actual footage of me getting ready for work this morning:


ETA: At work now and drinking a sample tea I received in the mail couple weeks ago. I've been saving it for A Necessary Morning and if today doesn't fit that descriptor, I don't know what would. And oh my god people this shit is delicious. God damn. I will never buy it because my adrenals and I don't need extra caffeinated tea made available to us on a regular basis. But if you're a heavy caffeine user and you like Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal, I highly recommend giving this stuff a try.

2nd Update: And now the building AC is out. Again.
clevermanka: default (it's hell)
I dislike the title of this article, because it makes it sound like inflammation is the only cause of depression, but the rest of the article is another good example of more evidence in the mind/body connection.

Speaking of depression, I'm having some problems that have me teetering on the edge right now.

My sleep issues returned after a blissful two months of my sleeping through the night (that was wonderful). For a week, I've been waking up three or four times a night and having problems returning to sleep. At first I thought I was too warm, but now I think it's something else. Dr. Khosh put me on a different testosterone supplement and I'm wondering if that's the culprit. It could also be that Dr. Jonah started scaling back my endocrine supplements. I resumed the previous dosages of the endocrine stuff yesterday and if I'm not sleeping better after the weekend I'm going back to my old testosterone supplements to see if that helps. I haven't had a single night with three consecutive hours of sleep in over a week.

Work is frustrating me for reasons I'm not gonna go into here. I'll just say I've never been as close to quitting this job as I was yesterday afternoon.

The new receptionist at Dr. Jonah's asked me on Tuesday what I did. I hate answering that question with a response about my employment, but I honestly couldn't think of what else to answer. Right now my life is: work, food prep, eating, cleaning up after eating, and (five days a week) yoga. Like, that's it. No social activities outside of chatting with [livejournal.com profile] mckitterick during meals or before bed, and our Wednesday night burgers with a small group of friends, which can be filed under "eating." No art projects. I haven't even had the energy to sew a pair of commissioned bloomers for [livejournal.com profile] hdsqrl that would take me one measly hour.

Last night I got home from work and was so fatigued I lay down on the couch to re-charge before we went for burgers at 6:30. I woke up at 6:20. I don't even remember falling asleep (or trying to). Just lying down and pulling a blanket over me, then it was an hour later.

Those blissful good energy levels of last month might as well be a dream world for all I can remember how they felt or how to regain them. I'm usually more positive than this, but today? God, I'm just tired of things being such a fucking struggle.

clevermanka: default (ass2)
I am in a good mood today, despite it being fucking cold here. I really don't know what's going on, but I'm not gonna question it. My energy levels have been good. I've been sleeping well. When I (only occasionally) wake to pee in the middle of the night, I can fall back asleep. And this morning I had the energy and motivation to do something different with my Thirty Minutes of Intentional Movement: I did a combo of yoga and calisthenics that got my heart rate up and made me feel good and exercised without feeling wobbly or overworked.

Whether it's my various supplements (good god my supplements), Dr. Jonah's treatments, my commitment to movement, my efforts to avoid constant rage, or a combination (probably a combination) I feel great. It's...kind of amazing.

This is a fascinating article on tight hamstrings. I do not have tight hamstrings, but I do have tight hip flexors and some difficulty with glutes and hamstrings firing correctly in a squat. I'm going to try that motor sequencing test and exercise this week.

Speaking of movement and general body mechanics, I discovered an interesting thing this morning. I engage my abs and glutes at my standing desk much more effectively when I let my heels rest on the downward slope of my fatigue mat. I've heard about negative rise heel position, and this sells me on it. I wouldn't want to walk around like this, but for standing, it's great. It improves my posture, and that's (not to brag) saying something.

I've been spending money indiscriminately lately. It needs to stop soon, but it's just so nice to spend a bit of money when I have it. Some of my more exciting purchases include a pair of these amazing potholders, this cardigan which I loved so much I actually bought it new on impulse at Costco last night, and a bunch of flavors from Republic of Tea that I've never seen in local stores like Coconut Cocoa and Safari Sunset. Yes, I know they have "flavorings" which can sometimes be problematic, but fuck it. I wanted some indulgence teas for this winter weather so I bought them and I shall drink them with relish and glee.

On the spending money front, does anyone local want to go in with me on ordering some Shea Butter, sustainably and responsibly sourced? It's a great price per pound, but the shipping for one container from Africa is a little steep. If two or three of us go together on it, it'll be more reasonable.

Does anyone remember there was a Brenda Starr movie? Does anyone local want to watch it with me? I think I need to see it for the costumes and subtext. I dunno if it's rentable from Liberty Hall, but apparently someone uploaded the whole thing to YouTube so if you don't mind shitty quality visuals...

I'll leave you with this amazing painting I saw on Tumblr. You guys. YOU GUYS.



I need a print of this. Where does one hang a painting of oneself, emerging naked and enraged from a well? WHO FUCKING CARES. I want it, and if I ever find it, I shall find a place for it.

Hypo

Dec. 3rd, 2014 08:51 am
clevermanka: default (Respirator)
I recently found this post on Tumblr that said: You can be depressed and not feel sad or blue. Depression can also be a haze of sleepiness, distractedness and/or obsessiveness cycles, and a twinge of irritability that can be hard to recognize because you might already be a “fiery” person. It can feel like a lazy Sunday that keeps imposing itself for weeks or months. And I realized holy crap, that's me.

Occasionally I get the Blue Fugues, but they're rare (a couple times a year) and I like to think I'm pretty good at recognizing when I have them. I mean, it might take me a while to cotton to the fact, but when I do, I'm pretty honest about admitting I have a problem and taking steps to fix it. However, apparently some people (if this post is to be believed and really, it seems pretty sensible once I think about it) can experience depression differently.

Haze of sleepiness (that's not always attributable to insomnia)? Check.

Distractedness (compared to my usual ability to focus)? Check.

Irritability ("twinges" ha ha ha ha ha ha)? Check.

A lazy Sunday that keeps imposing itself for weeks or months? God, yes, check check check. I have felt disappointingly lazy* for nearly a year now. I only do the bare minimum and that bare minimum has become more and more bare the past several months. I've cut nearly all non-online social interactions, exercise, and nearly all my creative pursuits.

* I can talk about laziness and my feelings about laziness in the comments if anyone's interested. Short version: I don't think being occasionally lazy is bad--sometimes it's good to be lazy.

But I didn't think I was depressed. Just tired. Now I'm starting to wonder about that.

Interesting, yes? Has anyone heard of this type of depression? I mean, for real I'd rather consider my lack of motivation has a cause that I can address. I know how to deal with depression. I just didn't realize that even when I wasn't feeling depressed, I might have been.

I think I mentioned before how Dr. Jonah talked about how exciting it is to see clients realize what we might be able to accomplish once we feel well. We've just been doing our absolute best under the circumstances. For some of us, we've been living with those circumstances for so long, it's difficult to consider what we can do when those circumstances are removed. It's amazing and encouraging to consider.

Something else Dr. Jonah and I talked about last night was how the body can, after extended periods of constant stress (hello adrenal fatigue and chronic fatigue syndrome--which I'm now thinking might have been depression, too, the CFS, not the adrenal fatigue) lose the ability to focus. And I kind of wonder if this isn't the source of my dissatisfaction with my job. It's not that I'm getting bored with my job. I'm just not physically capable of giving it the attention I want. Interesting, no? Without my even mentioning this, he recommended I add another supplement to my regimen, something called Hypothalmex. This stuff does a few different things. Generally, it adjusts the way the brain processes our surroundings to make things less stressful. It encourages the hypothalamus (and, thus, the pituitary gland) to be less freaked out by surroundings, so a person doesn't get as worn down by constant stimulation. My disinclination to socialize after a day at work? My increased tendency to hermit? My decreased desire for mental stimulation? Could very likely all be products of an overworked hypothalamus. The supplement also helps regulate fluid balance, metabolize sugars and fats, regulate body temperature, and secretion of hormones, all of which are things I could also use serious help with.

So this is all very encouraging, despite the fact that Sunday night's sleep was apparently a one-off. Last night I woke at 11:40 (too hot, hungry), 1:00 (menstrual cramps), 3:30 (too hot, menstrual cramps), and then finally at 6:50 (thanks, reliable internal alarm clock).
clevermanka: default (circus)
Today's Tumblr is Tuesday, December 2: Trees.

Does anyone else remember this clip from the Muppet Show? I remember being, like, eight years old and laughing my ass off at this. It was on one of their albums, too, and I would laugh at that, even without the visual.



I'm in a good space today. Last night I slept for slightly more than eight hours (whaaaaaaaaaat!) and it was, apparently, adequate and restful because I feel great physically and mentally. I think it's been about a week since I upped my progesterone supplement (could have sworn I documented that but I guess not), and I also started standing on my vibration platform again yesterday, so maybe that combo is helping? Whatever, I'll take it. SLEEP IS GOOD.

I have two posts swirling around in my head right now. One is how I've started dealing with anger and directing it in a positive fashion. The other is an exploration of my recent introspection about depression and how it affects some people (me) differently. Of course right now is the busiest time of year for me and I don't have a lot of time for writing long thinky posts. I'm adding to them when I can, though, and would like to get those posted and out of my head in time for the new year. I'm not a big fan of new year's resolutions, but setting goals for the new year is a huge thing in our culture. I'm not immune to the influence of feeling like a fresh start on January 1 is somehow blessed.

Edit: Oh! I forgot to mention my appetite is back, but it's in a very changed form. I've always been one of those people who doesn't have a stop eating switch. Like, unless my stomach is stuffed full, I can always push more food down. Which is why it's so weird when my appetite disappears (and that usually only happens in times of severe emotional stress). On Sunday, I started to develop an interest in food again and that was really great, but it's different now. Last night after I ate a regular-sized meal (half a sweet potato, about 1/2 cup cooked spinach, and a good-sized chicken thigh), I felt comfortably full. I thought about the brownies that are sitting in the fridge right now, but I wasn't interested in eating one. I just wasn't hungry.

This is kind of huge.
clevermanka: default (made-up 2)
Okay, well, I got almost nine hours of sleep Thursday night. Went to bed at 10p, woke at 4a, but thought I might be able to go back to sleep so I just lay quiet and I must've fallen back asleep because I woke up for good at 7a. GO TEAM. This morning I woke at 3:45a and couldn't get back to sleep. Well, at least I got nearly six hours.

This post came across my dash a few days ago, and I can't stop wondering--is that the back of the KU Student Union? It sure looks like it. I sure want it to be.

Hopes for today's productivity = HIGH. We're doing boxing this morning (changed our boxing day to Saturday because Sunday just was not working), and then I'm gonna sew my mom's xmas present. After that I can pack up and ship off my family's holiday gifts and I am done for the gift-buying for this year. [livejournal.com profile] mckitterick's stuff is already wrapped and under the tree. AW YISS.

I used to always have my holiday shopping done before T-day and it feels good to be slowly moving back to that. December is such a nightmare for me at work, and the weather is usually awful too, so it's a great thing to have that one task off my list before the month even starts. Anyone else like to get their holiday stuff done really early? Anyone else actually get their holiday stuff done really early?

And now, my current fave mash-up.

You're welcome.
clevermanka: default (not my life)
Woke at 1:20 this morning. Read for a while and then tried to sleep again around 4:30. I dozed in fits of about twenty minutes at a time until I gave even that up at 6:30. What with the near-fasting state and the lack of sleep (I've had only one night of six consecutive hours of sleep in a week) I'm starting to feel kind of loopy.

A while ago I made a decision to stop blaming my body for things and not to think of it as my enemy. That's getting a bit more difficult with every passing wakeful night.

Maybe I do need to consider having a sleep study done. I'm seeing my PCP in early December for a whole bunch of stuff (including talking to her about how to work around the business with getting labs done). I'm adding this to the list.
clevermanka: default (post-dance)
Soooooo I called in sick to work today. Couldn't do it. I've not had more than six hours of sleep a night in a week. I've had a headache since Monday morning. I haven't eaten more than maybe half a cup of food at a time since Friday night's dinner (and I'm probably only getting maybe two cups of food in me a day, all total). My stomach is delicate and tender and I'm Just. Fucking. Wiped. Physically, emotionally, mentally, everything-ally. I couldn't even finish this fucking banana I tried to eat for breakfast. I LOVE FOOD YOU GUYS. This is so weird.

When I saw Dr. Jonah last night I asked him about the radically decreased appetite. He thought it was interesting but said not to worry about it until it lasts for a week, which will be this Saturday. Could be that my body is simply ready to (finally) release a whole bunch of nastiness it's been storing for years and too much food intake isn't conducive to its style of purging.

Speaking of purging, I'm starting to do things to help rid myself of anger. I'm gonna make a separate post about it because that's a really big deal for me, but I don't have it in me to write it all out now, at least not all at once. But yeah, changes. Emotional growth. MY FAVORITE.

And now I'm going to hit the grocery store for just a few things so I don't have to leave the house again until Sunday if I don't want to. I might also run by Kinko's to get my dSSS piece scanned so I can upload it early (the deadline isn't for another three weeks, but if I can get that off my plate why not). Then maybe a nap.
clevermanka: default (post-dance)
Okay soooooooooooooo I never fell back asleep even though I tried really hard between 5:30 and 7:00am. I even lay down and everything. Wasn't happening, though, so I got dressed and came to work and even though I'm here I can tell you ain't shit getting done today beyond basic email and simple tasks because I can't be trusted to walk a straight line much less file something correctly.

And yeah, I opted to come to work because if I'm gonna be wandering around in a sleepless stupor I might as well do it here at the office so I'm not burning sick time.

I feel drunk. The not good kind of drunk. Also, my tum's a bit upset, which isn't surprising, but makes me leery of taking my supplements or eating any breakfast.

I'm gonna be just hanging out here and on Tumblr so if anyone's bored, hit me up for conversation or a gif party.

Again

Nov. 21st, 2014 03:52 am
clevermanka: default (going well)


Second night this week. Wednesday I was awake from 12:30am to 3:30am. This morning I woke at 2:00 and show no signs of sleepiness yet. It's 3:48.

I took the opportunity to re-read one of my favorite fics, and am now moving on to fiddling around with the due South Sekrit Santa project.

Also, my tummy isn't feeling all that great, either.

It's gonna be a long day.
clevermanka: default (ass2)
I didn't get to sleep until close to 11pm because I touched up my roots when I got home from work and that takes about six hours. Then I woke at 4:09am from a weird and stressful dream (see below) and couldn't fall back asleep. Decided to get up at 4:30. Got some clothes together and headed downstairs to shower. Only after my shower, and after [livejournal.com profile] mckitterick had relocated to my (quieter and more comfy) bedroom did I realize I'd grabbed the short leggings instead of the long ones, the tight knee-length skirt instead of the loose mid-thigh one, and (worst of all) no bra.



I'm gonna have to go upstairs soon to get at least the bra because going braless is incredibly uncomfortable for me. Ugh.

So, the dream: I was on a flight to no idea where, just it was an intercontinental flight on one of those giant planes with multiple stories. This one even had separate small rooms. Odd. Dreams, wtf. I got seated with my two companions (just dream people, nobody I know in waking life) and realized I'd left my leather jacket in the airport. I had a fit/breakdown because y'all, my leather jacket is really important to me. I bought it during my first trip to Chicago in the early 90s and of all the items of clothing in my wardrobe, it's the one that probably has the most of my character in it--not just because I've had it for so long. It's just...very me. It's a men's size small traditional biker jacket, and it's slightly too big for me, especially in the arms. I've never treated it (yet--I really need to), so the leather is worn and thin in several places. It looks tough and cozy at the same time and I just feel so good in it. It's gone to countless concerts, and has actually been on a couple (8+ hour) motorcycle trips. I can't find any pictures of me in it that show the full jacket, but here's probably my favorite picture of me while wearing it:

Look at that beautiful wear on the shoulders. All the seams are like that, and the arms and back are pretty weathered, too.

Man, I love that jacket.

So anyway, I left the jacket in the airport (along with my ticket, somehow, I have no idea, it was a dream) and I was begging the flight attendants to let me go back to get it. I was even willing to ditch the trip in order to get the jacket (and would probably do so in real life as well I am not kidding that jacket is hella important to me). I kept talking to person after person after person and I was getting so frustrated and exhausted that I decided there was no getting off this airplane or out of this dream in a satisfactory manner, so I woke myself up and then couldn't fall back asleep.



So I guess I've got a good head start on the day. I'll be at Steve's Meat Market in DeSoto to pick up the half cow right when they open at 8am. Yay.

And now I gotta go get a bra. Sorry, [livejournal.com profile] mckitterick
clevermanka: default (sew all the things)
Seen on Tumblr: “It’s messing people up, this social pressure to “find your passion” and “know what it is you want to do”. It’s perfectly fine to just live your moments fully, and marvel as many small and large passions, many small and large purposes enter and leave your life. For many people there is no realization, no bliss to follow, no discovery of your life’s purpose. This isn’t sad, it’s just the way things are. Stop trying to find the forest and just enjoy the trees.” Sally Coulter

Also on Tumblr:


YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

My back is soooo much better. I walked up the hill to work again today! It's always better in the morning so that helps.

I've been sleeping well, too. The only change I've made is I'm eating more in general and also eating more carbs, especially late in the day. The first week after I hurt my back, I let myself binge on all sorts of carby foods and man I slept like a fucking baby. I even took naps a couple days and managed to sleep seven or eight hours straight through the night. So it's a good thing I've given up caring about losing this belly fat.

I've also given up the idea of a mid-life career change. I was playing around with the thought, but four days flat on my back reminded me of how much I benefit from the state of Kansas's generous sick leave allowance. I used to work at a (horrible) office that allowed three total sick days per year. And if I was self-employed, I would have simply been out of luck making any money those days I could barely even stand. So, yes, despite the issues of this job, I'll be staying here. I just need to find solutions for the things that bother me or stop letting them bother me so much.

I am so glad it's Friday. This was a long-ass week. I'm seeing some friends perform tonight at a tiny little hole in the wall bar just north of the river and Saturday I'm gonna do something in the sewing room--not sure what yet, but something. I got a custom order for a pair of bloomers this week and I made them last night. It'd been a long time since I sewed anything (months!) and it felt good. Maybe I'll make myself a sundress or something fun for Comic-Con so I don't spend the entire week in jeans and tee shirts.

Speaking of bloomers, remember they're 20% off with coupon code SUMMER20. It's good through July 20. I'm not taking any custom orders after July 16.

Edited: Thanks to The Toast Link Roundup today, I discovered that the Sherlock living room wallpaper comes in red. DID NOT NEED TO KNOW.

Restock

Jun. 28th, 2014 06:25 am
clevermanka: default (gas mask)
I restocked the Etsy store! Use coupon code SUMMER20 for 20% off!

So, the glucose drink thing...it was pretty unpleasant to drink (salty and gritty) but I can get used to pretty much anything except straight salt water, so that's ok. I didn't wake for an hour or more at 3:00, but I did wake at 1:30 and 4:00 for about half an hour each and then up at 5:15 for good. I'm thinking it's maybe a cumulative thing, though, and I'll need a few days of the protocol to see if it really helps.

Hump day

Jun. 25th, 2014 08:55 am
clevermanka: default (circus)
This is adorable. Make a real-life adventure for your kids that incorporates exercise and movement.

Speaking of movement, did anybody else besides [livejournal.com profile] sherwood21 and [livejournal.com profile] seascribe see my post yesterday? Update: Some comments came through this morning! I'm not fishing for comments, but there was some good stuff in there about movement for desk jockeys and I know a lot of you appreciate those posts. Just wanted to make sure people who might be interested saw it since I know I missed a couple posts from other friends yesterday due to weird LJ stuff.

My sleep was spotty last night, so I'm pretty tired today, which sucks especially hard because I have a two-hour workshop this afternoon on dealing with international student issues. My department doesn't have many international students, but I'd feel better if I knew how to help the few we have navigate the process better. But a two-hour workshop on policy and procedure when I'm already a little wiped? Not great.

The one nice thing about last night was I had a sex dream with Michael Fassbender. STILL NO TOM HIDDLESTON SEX DREAMS WTF, but ah well.

Of course, when I have sex dreams it pretty much just means I'm not seeing enough of [livejournal.com profile] mckitterick. This is the last week of the CSSF summer stuff, though, so hurray! His class winds up on Friday. And then next week is his birthday weekend and we've got plans to pretty much just Not Leave The House for 72 hours.

Is anyone else having problems leaving comments on journals? I can see everything on my F-page, but about half the time when I click to comment, I get an error page. I suppose this is a stupid way to ask because if you can't leave comments...
clevermanka: default (Respirator)
The headline to the article is ridiculous because GIFs are already a language as far as I'm concerned (and I know I'm not alone), but this article about a project on GIFs at MIT is pretty fucking cool. Thanks, [livejournal.com profile] redheadfae for the link! Perhaps alas, I didn't find the actual survey very interesting. The emotions/reactions I got (shame, relief, pride) didn't match at all with most of the gifs I was shown, so I kept clicking the "neither" option. Not very exciting. I got bored. It was fun to see the different gif options, though.

I know a few different people who are trying to incorporate some sort of mindfulness/meditation techniques. Here's an article that has six quick and simple exercises on mindfulness. I especially like the one that focuses on a natural object. Maybe I need to get a fake plant of something in my office. I would love to have some of those teensy little succulents but I'm pretty sure they require some real sunlight. Oh, hey, maybe my salt lamp would work!

After hearing my complaints yesterday, Dr. Khosh said to resume the progesterone supplement. I took my first dose as soon as I got home last night. Let's hope I see the results as quickly as I did last time. My sleep is actually getting worse. Couldn't fall asleep until well after 11:00 last night, woke at 3:00, and slept only fitfully until 6:00. I got up, intending to call in sick to work, but couldn't find my phone. The twenty minutes of rummaging around downstairs woke me up sufficiently to just go ahead and get dressed.



My inability to fall asleep was especially frustrating because I skipped the gym last night because I was so tired I had concerns about my ability to safely throw weights around. I forced myself to stay awake until 9:30, but then as soon as I lay down, bang! Wide awake. I'm so tired I can't sleep. This happens after I reach a certain level of insomnia and it's a major bummer.

I'm keeping up with the kettlebell challenge, though, and they're getting easier. This morning I did my first 100 in sets of thirty. And that's with the 35lb bell! At work I can do fifty swings in a row with the 20lb bell. I still space them out because doing fifty every hour will wear me out. But if I'm feeling particularly spunky, sometimes I'll do fifty instead of twenty-five and just not count the extras. Yesterday was my first day to successfully eat a tad more than normal, too. So I'm seeing progress in some areas. I TAKE MY VICTORIES WHEN I CAN.

Speaking of victory, I'm gonna leave you with this image I saw on Tumblr.



You're welcome.
clevermanka: default (post-dance)
I'm making a separate post about my health stuff because I didn't want to distract from the message of the ableism post.

Things ... aren't going so great at the moment. I'm keeping up with the 300 Swings (barely, and through sheer force of will), and I enjoyed my session with Andrew yesterday (I know it makes me an even freakier freak, but I really like thrusters and I get to do them with this week's workout!). That's the good.

The bad is a little more plentiful.

A couple months ago I said how Dr. Khosh was putting me on supplements to boost my progesterone and things were going pretty good in January. I had a record length cycle (twenty-seven days!) and the actual period wasn't horrible. I bled a lot, but only for four days, and the cramping was minimal. I had very few major swelling episodes, and those that occurred weren't egregious. A couple inches, tops. My sleep schedule was fantastic, too. Lots of good sleep, even several eight-hour nights. Amazing. Then February happened. No idea why, but I started spotting mid-cycle and had terrible swelling episodes those same days. Then I started my period after only twenty-one days. While the cramping wasn't debilitating, it was certainly worse than before, and I bled for seven days. Swelling episodes of two to three inches became the norm again. When I reported all this at my visit last Monday, he told me to stop taking the progesterone supplement--give my body a break for two weeks and then resume.

Since then I haven't had six hours of sleep in a night, and I haven't had more than three consecutive hours of sleep at a time. Yesterday I pushed myself physically (my hour session with Andrew, 200 KB swings outside of the workout with him, then deep-cleaned the house for four hours to prepare for a work-related reception) and by 5pm my abdomen was swollen past my boobs (my marker for A Really Bad Swelling Episode).

So that all sucks.

I'm calling Dr. Khosh's office today to say WTF. I also sent a message to my PCP's office (my doctor's office has an email service--it's awesome) to ask about a home lab kit that allows me to check my progesterone levels on a daily basis. Of course once I do get the test, who knows how long it'll take to get this all figured out. Frustrating.

On top of all that, the organizer of the 300 Swings challenge offered to analyze my food intake when I mentioned that I'd had very little luck with losing abdominal fat despite nearly a year of working hard to do so. I'm averaging just under 1,200 calories a day which turns out to be probably not enough for muscle-building. I know I have a lower metabolism than most people--I had my resting metabolic rate tested several years ago and I clocked in at about 1,200 calories. It's likely, though, that with my added muscle (and I have added a bit of muscle, despite this all) I'm running a bit higher these days. In any case, if I want to build muscle (and that's my main goal--the fat loss is just a vanity issue) I can't operate on a caloric deficit.

I've been trying for three days to eat more and have wound up eating less. I don't know if it's psychological sabotage, leftovers from the eating disorder, or just plain bad circumstances (I was incredibly busy this weekend), but at the end of the day I'm like "Wow, all I had was half a batch of tuna salad, some leftover meatballs, and two stalks of ants-on-a-log." <--That was yesterday, btw.

Uuuuuuuuggggggggggh.

On the plus side, this is prepping me nicely for 221B Con, where I'll be operating on very little sleep (because parties) and eating very little (because food options). So...silver lining?

ETA: I need to mention (because it might not be obvious to those who haven't dealt with Eating Disorders) that part of the stress/not eating combo is psychological. I might not be able to control some things (like my body's not sleeping), but I can control what I eat and how I eat. And for thirty years I managed that control by not eating. Not to life-threatening levels. Nobody would ever have looked at me and thought "That girl looks anorexic." And don't get me wrong, 90% of the time I enjoy the fuck out of my food and I can pack it away like nobody's business. But those rare occasions when I'm feeling helpless and discouraged, I succumb to a mentality of Must Control That One Thing and it's really REALLY hard to eat. So just telling myself to eat isn't helpful. Right now I feel like if I ate something it would come right back up. Not a good thing under any circumstances, but especially not a good thing at work. When we've got eight visiting students that we're trying to woo into our graduate program.
clevermanka: default (Default)
I'm making a separate post about my health stuff because I didn't want to distract from the message of the ableism post.

Things ... aren't going so great at the moment. I'm keeping up with the 300 Swings (barely, and through sheer force of will), and I enjoyed my session with Andrew yesterday (I know it makes me an even freakier freak, but I really like thrusters and I get to do them with this week's workout!). That's the good.

The bad is a little more plentiful.

A couple months ago I said how Dr. Khosh was putting me on supplements to boost my progesterone and things were going pretty good in January. I had a record length cycle (twenty-seven days!) and the actual period wasn't horrible. I bled a lot, but only for four days, and the cramping was minimal. I had very few major swelling episodes, and those that occurred weren't egregious. A couple inches, tops. My sleep schedule was fantastic, too. Lots of good sleep, even several eight-hour nights. Amazing. Then February happened. No idea why, but I started spotting mid-cycle and had terrible swelling episodes those same days. Then I started my period after only twenty-one days. While the cramping wasn't debilitating, it was certainly worse than before, and I bled for seven days. Swelling episodes of two to three inches became the norm again. When I reported all this at my visit last Monday, he told me to stop taking the progesterone supplement--give my body a break for two weeks and then resume.

Since then I haven't had six hours of sleep in a night, and I haven't had more than three consecutive hours of sleep at a time. Yesterday I pushed myself physically (my hour session with Andrew, 200 KB swings outside of the workout with him, then deep-cleaned the house for four hours to prepare for a work-related reception) and by 5pm my abdomen was swollen past my boobs (my marker for A Really Bad Swelling Episode).

So that all sucks.

I'm calling Dr. Khosh's office today to say WTF. I also sent a message to my PCP's office (my doctor's office has an email service--it's awesome) to ask about a home lab kit that allows me to check my progesterone levels on a daily basis. Of course once I do get the test, who knows how long it'll take to get this all figured out. Frustrating.

On top of all that, the organizer of the 300 Swings challenge offered to analyze my food intake when I mentioned that I'd had very little luck with losing abdominal fat despite nearly a year of working hard to do so. I'm averaging just under 1,200 calories a day which turns out to be probably not enough for muscle-building. I know I have a lower metabolism than most people--I had my resting metabolic rate tested several years ago and I clocked in at about 1,200 calories. It's likely, though, that with my added muscle (and I have added a bit of muscle, despite this all) I'm running a bit higher these days. In any case, if I want to build muscle (and that's my main goal--the fat loss is just a vanity issue) I can't operate on a caloric deficit.

I've been trying for three days to eat more and have wound up eating less. I don't know if it's psychological sabotage, leftovers from the eating disorder, or just plain bad circumstances (I was incredibly busy this weekend), but at the end of the day I'm like "Wow, all I had was half a batch of tuna salad, some leftover meatballs, and two stalks of ants-on-a-log." <--That was yesterday, btw.

Uuuuuuuuggggggggggh.

On the plus side, this is prepping me nicely for 221B Con, where I'll be operating on very little sleep (because parties) and eating very little (because food options). So...silver lining?
clevermanka: default (minoan)
Holy crap this week was long.

Hurray for almost eight hours of sleep last night! I would have gotten more, but someone's sleeping partner decided to elbow her in the ribs at 6:03 this morning. THANKS HONEY.

Yesterday's exercise program felt a lot better than Tuesdays thanks to my upping the weights by ten pounds on each movement. I only bumped the overhead squat by five, though, since on my second set I had to bail out from under the bar at the bottom of my squat because my right shoulder came out of joint. That was exciting. I've never had to get out from a lift before. It was good, though. Not scary at all (like I thought it would be) and more frustrating than embarrassing. Well, it wasn't embarrassing only because there were only three other guys in the weight room and none of them were looking at me and it was a pretty light weight (sixty pounds) and I was using the rubber bumpers instead of metal plates so it didn't make much noise. Anyway.

Oh my god this tee shirt.

Tomorrow is Coriolanus.
Tomorrow is Coriolanus.
Tomorrow is Coriolanus.
Tomorrow is Coriolanus.



AW YISS

And now back to work since I gotta catch up on everything I didn't get done yesterday.
clevermanka: default (Default)
Holy crap this week was long.

Hurray for almost eight hours of sleep last night! I would have gotten more, but someone's sleeping partner decided to elbow her in the ribs at 6:03 this morning. THANKS HONEY.

Yesterday's exercise program felt a lot better than Tuesdays thanks to my upping the weights by ten pounds on each movement. I only bumped the overhead squat by five, though, since on my second set I had to bail out from under the bar at the bottom of my squat because my right shoulder came out of joint. That was exciting. I've never had to get out from a lift before. It was good, though. Not scary at all (like I thought it would be) and more frustrating than embarrassing. Well, it wasn't embarrassing only because there were only three other guys in the weight room and none of them were looking at me and it was a pretty light weight (sixty pounds) and I was using the rubber bumpers instead of metal plates so it didn't make much noise. Anyway.

Oh my god this tee shirt.

Tomorrow is Coriolanus.
Tomorrow is Coriolanus.
Tomorrow is Coriolanus.
Tomorrow is Coriolanus.



AW YISS

And now back to work since I gotta catch up on everything I didn't get done yesterday.
clevermanka: default (crap)
I forgot to mention in yesterday's post: I nearly overslept on Wednesday (which would have been really bad because Early Morning Meeting). I woke at 7:15, which was barely enough time to get to the office on time. What woke me? I dreamed that I overslept. Thanks, brain/body clock! You're awesome.

In less awesome news, I'm resigning myself to no cosplay at 221B Con. I simply can't afford to build anything. Ah well. I have a couple Sherlock tees that I've gotten from the daily tee shirt sites and that will do. At least I'm going, and I have less packing to worry about now. Heck, I can probably get away with a carry-on so that's aces. Not building a costume (much less costumes) eliminates some stress and opens up my schedule for things like sewing some fucking bloomers for my Etsy shop. You know, so I might actually make some extra money to help support my Expensive Health Supplement Habit.

Speaking of expensive health crap, I had a swelling episode this week after weeks (weeks!) of not swelling. On Monday I had a bit of mid-cycle spotting (tenth day) and by evening I was very swollen. I didn't measure--it wasn't quite "belly past my boobs" bad--but I'd say three or four inches? Tuesday and Wednesday I experienced swelling to a less dramatic degree, but clothes were still snug by evening. Other possible factors: I'd had some dried fruit and nuts over the weekend, as well as a few hot drinks with coconut milk and vanilla (total: about a tablespoon of vanilla bean-infused vodka). Hormonal irregularity seems the more likely factor, though (especially since I ate dried fruits and nuts in small amounts in January). I'll talk with Dr. Khosh about this when I see him next month. I'm curious if there is a way to check daily hormone levels without doing a daily blood test.

I'm home from work today because of my second night of insomnia last night (see Oversleeping Issue at the beginning of this post). I think I got three hours of sleep last night? Super stressful dreams, and then I just woke up at 1:00, got out of bed and read a book until 2:30, tried going back to bed but didn't really fall asleep until close to 4:00, and then woke at 6:15 to call in sick. Slept fitfully for another couple hours and am taking the rest of the day to try to get myself chilled out and under control. I need to get a full night's sleep tonight.

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