clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2015-04-23 11:55 am
clevermanka) wrote2015-04-23 11:55 am
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It's a morning of revelations
Icon for no other reason than the Darling Rats tumblr has been particularly cute of late and I am missing my Hefner boy today.
Looking through that photoset (my photo-a-day tracking my 39th year) gives me some feels. My pets! My glasses! My growing-out hair (which was a PITA but did look pretty good for growing-out I gotta say)! Eating at restaurants! So much booze! I look at those photos and I see me. But as the year progresses, I see myself slipping into un-health, even though I didn't recognize it at the time. Earlier in the year, my moods are still variable--I look happy in some, grumpy in others, but I'm in some way engaged. By the end, the photos start to look monotonous and I can tell I'm sort of calling it in. Which might be due to being tired of the 365 project, but I think it's more than that. I did another 365 project a couple years later and I have the same issue with not looking like an active participant for pretty much the entire year.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mckitterick has asked me more than once to do another project like this, but I cannot bring myself to even think about taking a photo of myself every day.
Which makes me think maybe I've been depressed on some level since late 2009? That...sucks.
This morning I realized why I hate so much doing stuff for the CSSF. I have no connection or investment with anyone butmckitterick. With the graduate students I have a sort of condensed cradle-to-grave relationship with them while they're in the graduate program. With the summer people, not at all. They're like retail customers.
The revelation came to me when I arrived this morning and a grad student came to ask me about fixing the printers in the grad student lab before I even got my computer turned on. It didn't bother me in the slightest that I had to go deal with a printer (ugh printers are the worst) before I'd settled in. In fact, it felt kind of nice to offer such immediate help first thing in the morning. If that had been a CSSF issue, I wouldn't have had the same emotional response. I have no involvement or motivation for helping them and honestly there's nothing that's going to develop the sort of relationship like I have with the graduate students.
It's no wonder my job dissatisfaction tends to crest this time of year, as I'm gearing up for summer CSSF stuff. If I wasn't doing that stuff, this would be the easiest time of my year and I could look forward to summer. Instead, I dread the end of the spring semester and I honestly have not had a memorably good summer since...2006? Whenever I took over management of the CSSF summer program logistics. That sucks. It also sucks that I have no idea how to stop doing it. It was great when someone took over management of the Campbell Conference, but it wasn't enough. I want so much for someone else to deal with the summer writing and institute bullshit because god damn it, I am tired of not enjoying my springs and summers.
Last night's chanting was lovely and so far I'm very much liking their new CD. The last track, which they performed second-to-last was especially lovely. I could pick out a high harmony and started singing it softly, which Kaminaya maybe could hear because she invited people "Please harmonize if you wish" after the third call-and-response and enough people did that it sounded amazing. Since I gave up on maintaining my voice years (decades) ago, kirtans are the only time I do any group singing. Even though I don't buy into a shred of the religious aspects, I do think singing with others can be a spiritually fulfilling experience. I don't need to do it frequently, but it's nice once in a while. Everybody is always so happy at these things, too, and while I will never be that happy of a person (it's just not my nature and that's fine), it's fun to see people being so unabashedly joyful for a couple hours.
I don't want or need to feel that kind of bliss all the time, but I would like to get back to my mental space of early 2009--at least what I see represented in those photos. But I don't even remember what that was like. How do I get back there from here? I haven't a clue.
Looking through that photoset (my photo-a-day tracking my 39th year) gives me some feels. My pets! My glasses! My growing-out hair (which was a PITA but did look pretty good for growing-out I gotta say)! Eating at restaurants! So much booze! I look at those photos and I see me. But as the year progresses, I see myself slipping into un-health, even though I didn't recognize it at the time. Earlier in the year, my moods are still variable--I look happy in some, grumpy in others, but I'm in some way engaged. By the end, the photos start to look monotonous and I can tell I'm sort of calling it in. Which might be due to being tired of the 365 project, but I think it's more than that. I did another 365 project a couple years later and I have the same issue with not looking like an active participant for pretty much the entire year.
mckitterick has asked me more than once to do another project like this, but I cannot bring myself to even think about taking a photo of myself every day. Which makes me think maybe I've been depressed on some level since late 2009? That...sucks.
This morning I realized why I hate so much doing stuff for the CSSF. I have no connection or investment with anyone but
mckitterick. With the graduate students I have a sort of condensed cradle-to-grave relationship with them while they're in the graduate program. With the summer people, not at all. They're like retail customers. The revelation came to me when I arrived this morning and a grad student came to ask me about fixing the printers in the grad student lab before I even got my computer turned on. It didn't bother me in the slightest that I had to go deal with a printer (ugh printers are the worst) before I'd settled in. In fact, it felt kind of nice to offer such immediate help first thing in the morning. If that had been a CSSF issue, I wouldn't have had the same emotional response. I have no involvement or motivation for helping them and honestly there's nothing that's going to develop the sort of relationship like I have with the graduate students.
It's no wonder my job dissatisfaction tends to crest this time of year, as I'm gearing up for summer CSSF stuff. If I wasn't doing that stuff, this would be the easiest time of my year and I could look forward to summer. Instead, I dread the end of the spring semester and I honestly have not had a memorably good summer since...2006? Whenever I took over management of the CSSF summer program logistics. That sucks. It also sucks that I have no idea how to stop doing it. It was great when someone took over management of the Campbell Conference, but it wasn't enough. I want so much for someone else to deal with the summer writing and institute bullshit because god damn it, I am tired of not enjoying my springs and summers.
Last night's chanting was lovely and so far I'm very much liking their new CD. The last track, which they performed second-to-last was especially lovely. I could pick out a high harmony and started singing it softly, which Kaminaya maybe could hear because she invited people "Please harmonize if you wish" after the third call-and-response and enough people did that it sounded amazing. Since I gave up on maintaining my voice years (decades) ago, kirtans are the only time I do any group singing. Even though I don't buy into a shred of the religious aspects, I do think singing with others can be a spiritually fulfilling experience. I don't need to do it frequently, but it's nice once in a while. Everybody is always so happy at these things, too, and while I will never be that happy of a person (it's just not my nature and that's fine), it's fun to see people being so unabashedly joyful for a couple hours.
I don't want or need to feel that kind of bliss all the time, but I would like to get back to my mental space of early 2009--at least what I see represented in those photos. But I don't even remember what that was like. How do I get back there from here? I haven't a clue.
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and: <3 kitty.
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ETA: I honestly think it captured my soul.
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Any chance that photo-a-day thing was a similar gateway for you, and is what led you down the no-longer-you slope?
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I found that happening during our trip to Italy in 2007, which is why I stopped taking photos on day four or five.
Any chance that photo-a-day thing was a similar gateway for you, and is what led you down the no-longer-you slope?
I don't think so. I think it's just that was the beginning of the end of my body being able to cope with the hypothyroidism (mis)diagnosis. It's entirely possible that I never will get back to that, and I suppose need to be accepting of that possibility. I posted this quote on Tumblr (http://clevermanka.tumblr.com/post/116494286251/dirtyheathen-renewinglaurenjane-do-me-a-favor) a while ago.
Stop trying to go back to who you were before. Before you were raped, before you got sick before an eating disorder took over your life. stop trying to be who you were five, ten, twenty years ago. Before the mental illness took over, before he died, back before your parents split or you lost your best friend.
You are NOT the same person as before. You never will be again. Give up the idolization of “before” and be who you are now. Be the you AFTER.
I need to think on that for a while. Find a way to reconcile that I am different now, but does that necessarily mean a decreased engagement with numerous activities and other people?
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Sadly, I think getting back to oneself is the sort of thing we each have to sort out on our own. And to add to the fun, the goal is usually a moving target. The very good news for you is that you seem to be very aware of your challenges (e.g health and anger), you have a great, supportive partner in McKitterick, and you are persistent and motivated (e.g. scaling activity levels to what your body will allow). You are not sitting at the bottom of a deep hole bemoaning your fate: you are actively climbing and continue to wipe the dirt away falls on your head from the climb.
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I am sure I would have enjoyed last night's performance, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind for it.
As for trying to get back one's joie de vivre or whatever, I haven't a clue. Mine is at the lowest ebb since 2005-2007, which were very difficult years. I don't even know.
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Maybe I'm trapped in a cycle/spiral of being too tired to deal with people but needing to spend time with certain people in ways that nourish me emotionally. It's just there are very few people who don't sap my precious energy. Even
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That's pretty much the most flattering photo of me in recent existence, though. I also can look like this (from the same selfie series):
Damn I miss that sweater.
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It's always a little disconcerting to see a pic of myself in a different time and place, mentally and physically, so I can relate to what you're saying about that.
I hope you're able to recapture some of that earlier happier? more content? mental space. ((hugs))
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Ha! When I was posting those during the first year, someone who was following me on LJ told me I had a "cartoon face" and I just loved that. I've cultivated having an expressive face. I love adding that bit of animation to conversation. It's one of the reasons I love gifs so much. If you could see my face, that would be the expression I was making, but you cannot see my face, so HERE IS A GIF.
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I try not to align myself too much with movie quotes, but I remember watching Thor2 when Loki states, "Satisfaction is not in my nature", and sometimes I wonder if that's what is going on with me. I'm just not one to be satisfied. Pleased for a bit, but not really content for long stretches. I also don't let myself get too excited about things because I do. not. handle. disappointment. well. And oh do I dwell on things.
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Emotional growth is so amazing and by amazing I mean a fucking right pain in the ass.
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A friend posted one of those "If there was nothing to get in the way what would you do with your life" questions on FB. I edited my response to just say: change.
I realized my comment above makes me sound a bit like a sad sack, I think it's mostly because I'm a bit bent out of shape from a money discussion I had today with friends.
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I've been wrestling with depression too. I think SOME progress has been made, so it is possible. I've been thinking about a post for a long time. One of these days I'll get around to talking about it.
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Hurrah for progress, any progress with depression. I'm starting to wonder if I've been on a depression ride ever since then. I've had times in the past few years that I've thought "hm, I think I'm depressed now" but on reflection I wonder if I've been there the whole time and those were just the low points.
I'm going to take some time, maybe this weekend, to write out a list/chart/thing with observations about when I'm happy (or not), and what sorts of things inspire me to be active, physically and emotionally. Seeing that stuff in writing really helps me analyze my life and make changes.
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I love that! I fully believe that I should be able to write off my lipstick as a "work-related expense" on my taxes because half the time I re-direct kids using facial expressions alone.
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I think it's possible that we might both of us find ways to be happy in our jobs at KU for longer than we thought. It's just gonna take more work in the short term.
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Also: my fave yoga studio does kirtan. I've always been wary of it, but fuck it, I might go. I love singing.
(Hell, I should start going to Sacred Harp singing again--it's super old school protestant shape-note singing. I tried it a few times years ago and really liked it. My fave was when we were in a venue that sold beer and someone picked out a temperance song, so we all sang about the evils of liquor while sipping beer, which sums up the Portland Sacred Harp community pretty well.)
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