But it should surprise nobody in the due South fandom that "Snowed-In Cabin/Isolated Together For Extended Period of Time" got my number one spot. Accurate.
(if anyone has a gif of Fraser and RayK riding off into the sunset, please post it or send me the link, pretty please)
Someone was remodeling it with lots of big, open spaces and a better staircase to the second floor. I was walking around it, feeling so much happiness about moving back in (my old neighbor Smirl was moving back upstairs, too). I told the guy leading me around that when he was ready to sell it, I wanted to be first to have the option to buy it. The dream went on forever, and even when I knew I should start waking up I stayed in the dream because it felt so damn good to be me in that space again.
I know it wasn't (necessarily) about being in the house again. It was about being back in the body that lived there and having all the options and opportunities that went along with being vibrant and healthy. I went up and down the new staircase multiple times just because I could.
As I came into regular consciousness I felt the transition from happiness and excitement shift to depression. The feeling of disappointment and sadness is so heavy in my chest right now. My throat is tight and I'm ten seconds and a hangnail away from breaking into tears.
That house/apartment never left my heart. I drive by it at least a few times a month and every time I have an emotional surge of "mine." I don't miss a lot of things about it--the lack of laundry facility, the unheated bathroom on my floor that used to be a back porch, no central A/C, the tiny kitchen. Everything else, though--the amount of space that was (mostly) all mine for so long, the location, my awesome upstairs neighbors, the person I was then--the loss of those things are a physical ache.
It's strange to have so much of my identity-memory tied to a physical location eighteen years after I moved out. I feel like I left a lot of myself there when I stupidly moved out for stupid reasons. I would like to be that person again, but there's no getting her back just like there's no getting back into that house (not the one I remember, anyway).
The passage of time and change are inevitable, but they can really suck.
“WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW KISSING WAS A SEXUAL INITIATION RITUAL FOR HUMANS? YOUR MOUTHS SEEM DETACHED FROM YOUR GENITALS BUT HONESTLY, YOUR WHOLE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM IS WEIRD. LIKE, IT’S PRETTY CLOSE TO YOUR EXCRETORY APPARATUS. NOT THAT I’M JUDGING.”
Okay, so it's judging. But frankly, the entire human body is a mess; evolution has really dragged these poor sacks of cells on some odd paths. Humans are fragile and redundant and weird, basically duct-taped upright and tottering around; Venom has mostly made its peace with that over the last few months, and has learned to enjoy wandering its way into odd loops in the intestines, and prodding bits of the knee and ankle. Madness, the human back. Total chaos in there.
Also this fanvid for Jason (The Good Place). Spoilers for Season 3.
I am outrageously fatigued and experiencing not-insignificant levels of executive function failure. I used "unappropriate" in a conversation this morning.
I'm leaving for an eye exam at 2:00 today where they have to dilate my pupils. It sometimes takes me days (at least overnight) to recover anything resembling normal vision after that so I'm looking forward to an evening of sitting in darkness with loud music, doped out of my mind.
Very tired of being the most progressive person in the room (or, as far as I could tell, a three-mile radius). At one point during the visitation I was introduced to A Person Who Makes His Living As An Actual Banker and a woman in a full-length fur coat. Also three couples who make regular mission trips to Africa. Had to pretend to be nice to my mom's BFF who is an active Trump supporter. I'm sure that a portion of my fatigue was caused by being in a room (for seven hours spread out over two days) with so many people that without a doubt voted for Trump.
Had what could have been a fun conversation with my I-think-not-terribly-religious uncle who asked what I as a non-believer got out of the funeral and stuff but was interrupted by one of the women who think it's important to go tell black people in a different country how to get into her heaven.
Feeling a little bitter about the whole experience, as you might be able to tell. I'm glad I could be there for my mom (who has come around on several issues including gay rights, abortion, and weed legalization), but that's it. I'm feeling levels of fatigue I haven't experienced in probably a year. Really don't like being back in the place where I honestly wouldn't care if I died tomorrow and wondering how long it's going to take me to get back to my previous fatigue levels of barely-tolerable but functional and not-actively-hoping-for-death.
I guess I have my answer on if I'll be able to take any trips for fun this year.
Grump Grump Grump
I'm considering breaking my usual "don't pay for airport/airplane booze" rule, too, because there's gonna be no alcohol at my folk's house because my cousin (who is staying there as well) is an alcoholic. I don't even want to bring a flask because people would be able to smell it.
And two giant things just got dumped on me half an hour before I leave work so....
We got ice and snow Friday night so things are nasty and slippery out there but I didn't think it was bad enough for pipes to freeze. I'm hoping it's ~just~ a clog somewhere. Regardless, though, I'm done working in the kitchen and I'm wondering if I should keep on with the laundry. I don't want to quit on that, yet since I already stripped my bed including the mattress pad.
I have no plans to venture outside past throwing food on the patio for the animals, so I'm just gonna settle in with the new episodes of Terrace House. The only thing keeping me from caving to the temptation to make cookies is knowing I won't be able to clean up afterward.
Selection for the grand jury I got called for is on Tuesday. Please cross your fingers or whatever you do because I really do want to be on this jury. Seriously, I really wanna be on this jury y'all. I want it a lot.
Being on the jury means I'll probably miss my nana's funeral, but after getting a call from my mom this afternoon missing it doesn't sound like the worst thing. In addition to my nervousness about flying during the government shutdown, one of my aunts and her daughter and daughter's son are staying at my parents (tiny) condo for the weekend because my parents couldn't inflict them on anyone who offered to help with space (nobody in my family except my parents have money for a room) and my mom didn't want to lose what time she'll get with me. So that's going to be a crowded and exhausting weekend.
Mission posted a bunch of (mostly) F/K dueSouth fic recs on Tumblr and a lot of them aren't on AO3 which means you might not have seen them (and also makes me nervous because Archiving Is Important).
Here are my 76 pages of Tumblr posts tagged due south, Tumblr posts tagged benton fraser, Tumblr posts tagged ray vecchio, and Tumblr posts tagged ray kowalski.
There's also my collection of dS gifs that still live over on LJ.
To everyone in the due South bar:
That song is one of the best angsty vid songs ever so that helps, but dang the chemistry between those two (gorgeous) people is quite an effective sell.
I have a Chinese friend who got her PhD here in our department, returned for a post-doc, and is headed back to Beijing this weekend. I'm suggested to her (just now, literally, she left my office about five minutes ago) that we watch it together to give us a reason to stay in touch.
and a Rolling Stone article about it.
I haven't purchased a Killers album since Day & Age (2008), but this track + video is a super powerful punch. Lyrics below the cut.
( Read more... )
I've had weird headaches every day this week. This morning I ate more and earlier than I wanted for breakfast and had a cup of green tea to see if that helps to stave off another one today. They usually hit around 1pm. They might be related to the fact that my vision is changing (again, god damn it). I know I need new glasses but my eye exam isn't until February 1, which is the earliest day insurance will cover a visit to the ophthalmologist. I'm gonna have to suffer the indignity of getting multi-focals this time. The taking-off-glasses-to-read isn't working anymore since now I'm losing my close vision, too.
Anyone ever wants a negative LASIK story, I'm your girl.
Oh, and speaking of negative medical stuff, siderea posted an interesting/terrifying post about the medical device industry (and a current documentary about it on Netflix). I am so glad I had a fantastic surgeon for my hysterectomy who actually performed the surgery herself (and went above and beyond in order to make it as safe and minimally invasive as possible despite complications).
Zero drama The producers jokingly attempt to insert tension with some of the inserted text. Anyone who watches Asian reality shows will be familiar with this effect, which is laughingly pointless on this show.
Beauty Everyone on the show is some variant of lovely--not necessarily physically beautiful (although Lee Hyori is absolutely gorgeous), but always gentle, kind, and considerate. The exact opposite of most unscripted television we see here in the U.S. Jeju Island, where it's filmed, is a major tourist destination so of course the show highlights the landscape. And the food, oh god the food.
Kindness I don't hide the fact that I'm not a people person. I don't often go out of my way to hang out with others, much less strangers, but there are scant few people on this show that I wouldn't get along with for a few days spent in the close quarters of the B&B. The one person I absolutely couldn't stand was (surprise!) the Fucking American that shows up late in the second season. Ugh, Jackson is the worst. Everybody else is great, though--even the kind of grouchy Elderly Couple in the first season turn out to be charming and endeared themselves to me by the time they left.
Someone on cm.net pitched the show to me last year with the description of ASMR television. It's the most soothing show I've ever watched. If you're looking for something plot-free with charm, and you don't mind (not great) subtitles, check it out on Netflix.
Let me know if you try it and like it. And if you have watched it, please talk to me about it! I have vanishingly few people to squee about it with.
I have a fairly regular Monday through Friday posting schedule: Mondays used to be a Feminist History post but the (incredibly generous) person who wrote those the first year moved on so now it's a targeted discussion about a particular topic, advice or sometimes a guest post. Tuesdays are just a link to my Tumblr collection (until I give up on Tumblr), Wednesdays we catch up on The Hellscape of Personal Growth but it often devolves into general conversation. Thursdays are a link dump of stuff I've found or been sent that I think might be of interest to the cm.net community. Fridays are Open Thread where anything goes.
We're very friendly if anyone wants to join us over there. In order to be approved for unmoderated comments you have to apply for an IntenseDebate or WordPress account, sorry, but I'm not terrible at approving comments in a somewhat timely manner if you don't want to do that.
Not trying to get people to jump ship from here or anything, just letting you know there's a community of supportive, progressive people there if you're looking for new internet friends in other places.
I'm fine, Mommy's fine, we're all fine. Nana was in failing health, and she wasn't able to move out of her wheelchair unassisted for a little over a year. She wanted to die, and it took her a little longer than she would've liked, I think. Mommy was her full-time caretaker for nearly three years and it was wearing both of them down. But she lived with my parents since I went to college--that's a little over thirty years--so even though it was expected and even anticipated, my parents (mommy especially, obviously) is very sad. She frequently referred to Nana as her best friend. My relationship with my mother is nothing like that so I can't imagine how that must feel. Poor Mommy.
Death is a weird thing anyway, and starting the new year with a family death is a new sort of weird for me. It's certainly one I don't want to get used to, as I have a very small family.
Condolences aren't necessary, although of course I won't refuse them if you feel inclined to leave one. Like I said, we've been waiting for this for a long time and also I wasn't terribly close to Nana. She was incredibly sweet and kind and generous but I never spent a lot of time with her one-on-one like I did my paternal grandmother (who died in 1986). She is, however, the person who introduced my mom (and thus, me) to SF/F reading so thank you, Nana, for that!
She wanted to be cremated, so there's no rush on the funeral arrangements. It's looking like it'll be near the end of the month--probably right before my birthday.
And now, back to processing applications to our graduate program for the poor lambs who think pursuing a career in academia is a good life choice.