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For those who don't follow the conversation over on, things are not great. Click for shit )


Feb. 12th, 2019 12:50 pm
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I'm not going to post all my results to the tropes quiz/analyzer thing. Mostly because I think I checked the wrong ones a couple times. That's the only reason I can think of that Actually Unrequited Pining beat out A/B/O for last place. absolutely not accurate for me. In fact I honestly like Actually Unrequited Pining sometimes (in that "oh god why am I doing this to myself" way).

But it should surprise nobody in the due South fandom that "Snowed-In Cabin/Isolated Together For Extended Period of Time" got my  number one spot. Accurate.

(if anyone has a gif of Fraser and RayK riding off into the sunset, please post it or send me the link, pretty please)

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Someone I know could use a couple dollars if you've got them to help her ailing kitty.

No pressure, just I know I don't like to donate money to random internet people unless I know a person who knows them and I absolutely vouch for [personal profile] calystarose! She's fantastic.


Feb. 5th, 2019 09:26 am
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This morning I had a long, detailed dream about my old place at 1011 Tennessee.

Someone was remodeling it with lots of big, open spaces and a better staircase to the second floor. I was walking around it, feeling so much happiness about moving back in (my old neighbor Smirl was moving back upstairs, too). I told the guy leading me around that when he was ready to sell it, I wanted to be first to have the option to buy it. The dream went on forever, and even when I knew I should start waking up I stayed in the dream because it felt so damn good to be me in that space again.

I know it wasn't (necessarily) about being in the house again. It was about being back in the body that lived there and having all the options and opportunities that went along with being vibrant and healthy. I went up and down the new staircase multiple times just because I could.

As I came into regular consciousness I felt the transition from happiness and excitement shift to depression. The feeling of disappointment and sadness is so heavy in my chest right now. My throat is tight and I'm ten seconds and a hangnail away from breaking into tears.

That house/apartment never left my heart. I drive by it at least a few times a month and every time I have an emotional surge of "mine." I don't miss a lot of things about it--the lack of laundry facility, the unheated bathroom on my floor that used to be a back porch, no central A/C, the tiny kitchen. Everything else, though--the amount of space that was (mostly) all mine for so long, the location, my awesome upstairs neighbors, the person I was then--the loss of those things are a physical ache.

It's strange to have so much of my identity-memory tied to a physical location eighteen years after I moved out. I feel like I left a lot of myself there when I stupidly moved out for stupid reasons. I would like to be that person again, but there's no getting her back just like there's no getting back into that house (not the one I remember, anyway).

The passage of time and change are inevitable, but they can really suck. 


Feb. 4th, 2019 10:35 am
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Thanks to [personal profile] baronjanus who reminded me that I hadn't recced this amazing Venom fic (rated E) here, yet. Best Venom voice I've read so far in this fandom. Hot and funny!


Okay, so it's judging. But frankly, the entire human body is a mess; evolution has really dragged these poor sacks of cells on some odd paths. Humans are fragile and redundant and weird, basically duct-taped upright and tottering around; Venom has mostly made its peace with that over the last few months, and has learned to enjoy wandering its way into odd loops in the intestines, and prodding bits of the knee and ankle. Madness, the human back. Total chaos in there.

Also this fanvid for Jason (The Good Place). Spoilers for Season 3.


Feb. 1st, 2019 11:47 am
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My birthday was yesterday, whoop-whoop. I'm not much of a birthday person. I made a batch of almond flour gingersnaps and ate all but three of them and that was nice. Other than that, meh. I'm happy for people who do enjoy them (although I will never remember to send you a card), they're just not my thing (also having a birthday in the dead of winter is a drag for party planning).

I am outrageously fatigued and experiencing not-insignificant levels of executive function failure. I used "unappropriate" in a conversation this morning.

I'm leaving for an eye exam at 2:00 today where they have to dilate my pupils. It sometimes takes me days (at least overnight) to recover anything resembling normal vision after that so I'm looking forward to an evening of sitting in darkness with loud music, doped out of my mind.

Back Again

Jan. 29th, 2019 10:17 am
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Got home yesterday. Called in an extra day's absence of work.

Very tired of being the most progressive person in the room (or, as far as I could tell, a three-mile radius). At one point during the visitation I was introduced to A Person Who Makes His Living As An Actual Banker and a woman in a full-length fur coat. Also three couples who make regular mission trips to Africa. Had to pretend to be nice to my mom's BFF who is an active Trump supporter. I'm sure that a portion of my fatigue was caused by being in a room (for seven hours spread out over two days) with so many people that without a doubt voted for Trump.

Had what could have been a fun conversation with my I-think-not-terribly-religious uncle who asked what I as a non-believer got out of the funeral and stuff but was interrupted by one of the women who think it's important to go tell black people in a different country how to get into her heaven.

Feeling a little bitter about the whole experience, as you might be able to tell. I'm glad I could be there for my mom (who has come around on several issues including gay rights, abortion, and weed legalization), but that's it. I'm feeling levels of fatigue I haven't experienced in probably a year. Really don't like being back in the place where I honestly wouldn't care if I died tomorrow and wondering how long it's going to take me to get back to my previous fatigue levels of barely-tolerable but functional and not-actively-hoping-for-death.

I guess I have my answer on if I'll be able to take any trips for fun this year.

Grump Grump Grump
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I have refused to travel during the winter months for well over a decade, but since Nana decided to die in January (thanks, Nana!) I'm headed to Indianapolis in a few hours. I decided it's well worth paying a shuttle to bring me there and back so I don't have to worry about slick highways or scraping my car when I return.

I'm considering breaking my usual "don't pay for airport/airplane booze" rule, too, because there's gonna be no alcohol at my folk's house because my cousin (who is staying there as well) is an alcoholic. I don't even want to bring a flask because people would be able to smell it.

And two giant things just got dumped on me half an hour before I leave work so....


Jan. 20th, 2019 02:41 pm
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[personal profile] mckitterick went off to write group and left me the house so I could Do Stuff with Loud Music. I've been laundry-ing and food-prepping until just now when the kitchen sink started to back up.

We got ice and snow Friday night so things are nasty and slippery out there but I didn't think it was bad enough for pipes to freeze. I'm hoping it's ~just~ a clog somewhere. Regardless, though, I'm done working in the kitchen and I'm wondering if I should keep on with the laundry. I don't want to quit on that, yet since I already stripped my bed including the mattress pad.

I have no plans to venture outside past throwing food on the patio for the animals, so I'm just gonna settle in with the new episodes of Terrace House. The only thing keeping me from caving to the temptation to make cookies is knowing I won't be able to clean up afterward.

Selection for the grand jury I got called for is on Tuesday. Please cross your fingers or whatever you do because I really do want to be on this jury. Seriously, I really wanna be on this jury y'all. I want it a lot.

Being on the jury means I'll probably miss my nana's funeral, but after getting a call from my mom this afternoon missing it doesn't sound like the worst thing. In addition to my nervousness about flying during the government shutdown, one of my aunts and her daughter and daughter's son are staying at my parents (tiny) condo for the weekend because my parents couldn't inflict them on anyone who offered to help with space (nobody in my family except my parents have money for a room) and my mom didn't want to lose what time she'll get with me. So that's going to be a crowded and exhausting weekend.
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On Wednesdays are (supposedly) more for updates on How We Are Dealing With Our Shit, and Fridays are an Open Thread for Shooting the Shit. Different days, different shit. Since I don't expect people here to follow me there (although I appreciate those who do both!) I'm gonna combine the general info in my comments on those posts here on Fridays. I hope it'll make me more disciplined/inclined to post Actual Content here on a regular basis. More under the clicky-click )


Jan. 17th, 2019 08:45 am
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Today is More Joy Day, created by [personal profile] sdwolfpup (who I see hadn't yet added to my circles over here). I have no new content to offer, but I can definitely encourage squee!

Mission posted a bunch of (mostly) F/K dueSouth fic recs on Tumblr and a lot of them aren't on AO3 which means you might not have seen them (and also makes me nervous because Archiving Is Important).

Here are my 76 pages of Tumblr posts tagged due south, Tumblr posts tagged benton fraser, Tumblr posts tagged ray vecchio, and Tumblr posts tagged ray kowalski.

There's also my collection of dS gifs that still live over on LJ.

To everyone in the due South bar:


Jan. 16th, 2019 09:35 am
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Thanks(?) to [personal profile] mekare , I have a web series to watch.

That song is one of the best angsty vid songs ever so that helps, but dang the chemistry between those two (gorgeous) people is quite an effective sell.

I have a Chinese friend who got her PhD here in our department, returned for a post-doc, and is headed back to Beijing this weekend. I'm suggested to her (just now, literally, she left my office about five minutes ago) that we watch it together to give us a reason to stay in touch.
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Here's a standalone track from The Killers, released yesterday, January 14. Video filmed and produced by Spike Lee from footage he took in late 2018.

and a Rolling Stone article about it.

I haven't purchased a Killers album since Day & Age (2008), but this track + video is a super powerful punch. Lyrics below the cut.

Read more... )


Jan. 12th, 2019 11:22 am
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Forgot the base images I printed at work for the flower crown art project and since my world looks like this right now (with snow still coming down), no way I'm going back to the office to get them.
No arting for me this weekend after all.


Jan. 10th, 2019 09:56 am
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Because the due South fandom never dies (cheers to everyone in the dSbar!), there's a quick, last minute fandom challenge going on for this coming Sunday. I'm gonna see if I can get it together to make even a little piece for it. The most recent fanart I made was in September of 2016. Sheesh.

I've had weird headaches every day this week. This morning I ate more and earlier than I wanted for breakfast and had a cup of green tea to see if that helps to stave off another one today. They usually hit around 1pm. They might be related to the fact that my vision is changing (again, god damn it). I know I need new glasses but my eye exam isn't until February 1, which is the earliest day insurance will cover a visit to the ophthalmologist. I'm gonna have to suffer the indignity of getting multi-focals this time. The taking-off-glasses-to-read isn't working anymore since now I'm losing my close vision, too.

Anyone ever wants a negative LASIK story, I'm your girl.

Oh, and speaking of negative medical stuff, [personal profile] siderea posted an interesting/terrifying post about the medical device industry (and a current documentary about it on Netflix). I am so glad I had a fantastic surgeon for my hysterectomy who actually performed the surgery herself (and went above and beyond in order to make it as safe and minimally invasive as possible despite complications).

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This week's it's Hyori's Bed and Breakfast. I love this show so much. I've watched both seasons twice and started watching again for a third time last fall when I started to feel down for a while. What I love about it:

Zero drama The producers jokingly attempt to insert tension with some of the inserted text. Anyone who watches Asian reality shows will be familiar with this effect, which is laughingly pointless on this show.

Beauty Everyone on the show is some variant of lovely--not necessarily physically beautiful (although Lee Hyori is absolutely gorgeous), but always gentle, kind, and considerate. The exact opposite of most unscripted television we see here in the U.S. Jeju Island, where it's filmed, is a major tourist destination so of course the show highlights the landscape. And the food, oh god the food.

Kindness I don't hide the fact that I'm not a people person. I don't often go out of my way to hang out with others, much less strangers, but there are scant few people on this show that I wouldn't get along with for a few days spent in the close quarters of the B&B. The one person I absolutely couldn't stand was (surprise!) the Fucking American that shows up late in the second season. Ugh, Jackson is the worst. Everybody else is great, though--even the kind of grouchy Elderly Couple in the first season turn out to be charming and endeared themselves to me by the time they left.

Someone on pitched the show to me last year with the description of ASMR television. It's the most soothing show I've ever watched. If you're looking for something plot-free with charm, and you don't mind (not great) subtitles, check it out on Netflix.

Let me know if you try it and like it. And if you have watched it, please talk to me about it! I have vanishingly few people to squee about it with.
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Thanks to [personal profile] minoanmiss  for posting a link to this post about how to mute users in comments, site-wide.

At some point, I really do plan to actually put up content here. Eventually.

My site

Jan. 4th, 2019 01:20 pm
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Not sure how many people on this platform know I run a website, mostly for people who were bereft after the closure of our beloved back in July 2016. The-Toast's commenting community was a joy and it grieves me that the comments are no longer viewable (seriously, it makes me really honestly very very sad). When The-Toast Powers That Be shuttered the site, I started so those who wanted would still have a place to connect. Our numbers have (predictably) dwindled since 2016, but there's still about a dozen of us who interact.

I have a fairly regular Monday through Friday posting schedule: Mondays used to be a Feminist History post but the (incredibly generous) person who wrote those the first year moved on so now it's a targeted discussion about a particular topic, advice or sometimes a guest post. Tuesdays are just a link to my Tumblr collection (until I give up on Tumblr), Wednesdays we catch up on The Hellscape of Personal Growth but it often devolves into general conversation. Thursdays are a link dump of stuff I've found or been sent that I think might be of interest to the community. Fridays are Open Thread where anything goes.

We're very friendly if anyone wants to join us over there. In order to be approved for unmoderated comments you have to apply for an IntenseDebate or WordPress account, sorry, but I'm not terrible at approving comments in a somewhat timely manner if you don't want to do that.

Not trying to get people to jump ship from here or anything, just letting you know there's a community of supportive, progressive people there if you're looking for new internet friends in other places.


Jan. 2nd, 2019 12:43 pm
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Mommy's mother, my last remaining grandparent, died in the early hours this morning.

I'm fine, Mommy's fine, we're all fine. Nana was in failing health, and she wasn't able to move out of her wheelchair unassisted for a little over a year. She wanted to die, and it took her a little longer than she would've liked, I think. Mommy was her full-time caretaker for nearly three years and it was wearing both of them down. But she lived with my parents since I went to college--that's a little over thirty years--so even though it was expected and even anticipated, my parents (mommy especially, obviously) is very sad. She frequently referred to Nana as her best friend. My relationship with my mother is nothing like that so I can't imagine how that must feel. Poor Mommy.

Death is a weird thing anyway, and starting the new year with a family death is a new sort of weird for me. It's certainly one I don't want to get used to, as I have a very small family.

Condolences aren't necessary, although of course I won't refuse them if you feel inclined to leave one. Like I said, we've been waiting for this for a long time and also I wasn't terribly close to Nana. She was incredibly sweet and kind and generous but I never spent a lot of time with her one-on-one like I did my paternal grandmother (who died in 1986). She is, however, the person who introduced my mom (and thus, me) to SF/F reading so thank you, Nana, for that! 

She wanted to be cremated, so there's no rush on the funeral arrangements. It's looking like it'll be near the end of the month--probably right before my birthday.

And now, back to processing applications to our graduate program for the poor lambs who think pursuing a career in academia is a good life choice.


Jan. 1st, 2019 09:31 am
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Wishing everyone the best (that we can hope for anyway) in 2019. I'm starting the year off right with a collection of Fuck Yeah Teenage Girls on Tumblr.


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