clevermanka | Entries tagged with fatigue

Was still pretty worn-down after my post-lunch nap today. No idea why. I took things pretty easy this morning and yesterday after going to the post office yesterday the morning. Thought I could handle a movie but half an hour after finishing it, I'm starting to get the lightheadedness and ringing ears that presage a bad fatigue spell. Maybe I shouldn't have watched something that required subtitles. 😩

When I leaned over to pick something off the floor my sinuses very aggressively informed me they were massively swollen and not happy about it. Now that I've been alerted to the problem, I can feel the pressure behind my eyes and also my teeth aching. More fallout from the fatigue flare, or just unfortunate coincidence? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Fingers crossed that double doses of (actual) Sudafed and regular applications of a warmed eye-beanbag thing will help things calm down in there soon. The next few days will be spent actively avoiding any emotional shifts because crying under these conditions is absolutely unacceptable. Also avoiding unnecessary movement since all my energy needs to go toward avoiding a sinus infection.

*jazzhands*

On the 17th I mentioned stuff I was doing during a break in January's bad weather. I said I planned to deal with the ice buildup on my studio window the next day since I was already worn out and still had more to do. The good news is warming temps melted the window ice for me because the bad news is I've spent the last week and a few days recovering from the worst fatigue flare I've had in maybe a year. My records here tell me it looks like I had a flare in August and the previous notable one was in February. When I have the energy (ha! ha ha!) I need to read the entries surrounding those dates to see if I made record of when I started to recover and also if I can glean any patterns, besides just doing too much. I need to be more explicit in these entries. When I'm this tired I don't want to have to read between the lines, self. Come on.

So mostly for my own records:
I was already feeling a bit run down in advance of that post. Seeing two friends on a rare (masked) indoor visit on Friday afternoon was by far the best I felt that week. The joy still took a toll, though, and the weekend following was a nonfunctional blur. I had to cancel a standing Monday morning phone call that I haven't missed in over a year. I wasn't even capable of bathing until Thursday. My brain has been slowly coming back online, but I still get spells of dizziness when I stand for more than a few minutes. I have to lie down two or three times a day for at least thirty minutes, sometimes an hour. This is day nine and I'm still not capable of anything more taxing than watching a movie. I wasn't even able to do that until yesterday and it wore me the fuck out.

Please continue praying or crossing fingers or whatever that I get approved for disability soon.

I'm having lots of good Thinky Thoughts about this morning's tarot card pull. I want to write a Patreon post about it/them. I even know what direction I want to go with it, but my mind* is resisting hard. It's an actual physical sensation of putting on the brakes when I consider opening up LibreOffice. I thought about using Mel Robbin's five-second rule to Just Do It before something clicked for me.

(For me, "mind" = brain and body in communication with each other)

I've never had issues with executive dysfunction. For the vast majority of my life I did what I wanted when I wanted to do it. And I would still be doing most of those things if my body could accommodate them. But because of that ability, I pushed myself hard for years to the detriment of my physical (and mental) health. So why do I think this resistance to Doing The Thing is now a brain block that can be remedied by counting down to lift-off?

As humans we are wired for stasis. We crave the return to "normal" even when normal is unhealthy and destructive (see: Society's embrace of COVID denial in order to resume eating in restaurants, going in public unmasked, required on-site work, etc.). It makes sense that my mind is resisting my desire to sit down and write. It knows better.

I don't think it's executive dysfunction and I know it's not that I don't want to write the essay. It's that my mind knows writing two things in two days (I put up a Patreon post yesterday) will wipe me out for the rest of the day, and possibly tomorrow. It's not unlikely that my instinctive resistance to writing something requiring a significant amount of brain power is a result of my mind trying to protect itself from me.

Unfortunately this sort of enforced rest conflicts in unpleasant ways with my isolation. Boredom and loneliness are a terrible, terrible combination.

Mostly putting this here for tracking purposes.

After a week sans laptop (and thus sans anything capitalism would consider productivity), I'm finding it incredibly difficult to focus while on it. My focus was already pretty shitty due to fatigue and Everything Else, but at this point it's real bad. I'm having trouble just keeping it together to write this post.

Doesn't help that I can't figure out how to save to the local disk on the repaired laptop. The system insists on saving everything to One Drive (which I refuse to use). Even when I tried copying my backup over to the path This PC > Local Disc (C:) > Users > (myname) it told me I'd run out of One Drive space before the backup completed copying over. Currently 400GB free on the local drive and I know I have a lot of images but I don't have that many images. And I know they all fit on the old drive.

I've tried writing a Patreon post three times. I get a few sentences down each time, but after a few minutes (like...five), my brain starts feeling full and I can feel an anxiety attack building up. I have to stop doing anything and just, like, go fold origami stars or play some solitaire (with actual cards) or I'll start spiraling into an actual episode and start crying.

This sucks a lot.

Got a lot done this morning! I showered, wrote a post for the Patreon, caught up on social media, did a load of laundry, sent thank you messages to all my patrons, even did some light body movement. 🧡 After lunch I noticed I was feeling kind of buzzy with adrenaline. Laid down for an hour but couldn't fall asleep and now I'm just brain dead. I keep trying to pick something up--a library book, some fic writing, even some fic reading--and my brain just slides off everything.

Wow do I hate brain fog, especially when it felt so great being active this morning. I'm doing my best to be gracious with myself. And it's not that I'm angry at myself or think less of myself for not being able to think. It's just so boring.

Guess I overdid it yesterday.

Had a great social phone call in the morning, then ran to the library to drop off the books that were due and pick up some holds that had come in. Took it mostly easy and ate a larger than normal lunch to prepare for my spirituality discussion group in the late afternoon/early evening. By 9pm I was pretty wiped out, but not quite at the hold-onto-the-walls-to-stay-upright levels, so could've been worse.

This morning though, oof. I have got to shower today, but it's going on hour three of sitting on the couch and I'm having a hard time mustering the capacity to move beyond pouring myself another cup of tea (from the pot I carried out to the coffee table because I knew I wasn't fit for multiple kitchen trips). Morning meditation might happen this afternoon. Maybe.

It's kind of cool to note that I'm annoyed at the idea of having to skip a card pull/study. It's not that I'm not feeling it (which was the case for a couple weeks earlier this year). I just... don't feel up to the effort of hauling myself over to the hearth, shuffling, and focusing on something.

Just sat forward to get my mug to take a drink of tea and noticed my hand was a bit shaky. I wasn't in any danger of spilling, but the weight of it felt heavier than normal. So tired, so tired.

Times like this it's hard to avoid getting angry at the world (doctors, politicians, capitalism) that disbelieves me when I say I'm not fit for a full-time job, much less a full-time job that requires me to leave the house on a regular basis, according to someone else's schedule. I was barely able to pull myself out of bed this morning! And I have no idea when I'll have these episodes. There have been days when I've done more than I did yesterday and felt okay the next day. I can't schedule my fatigue and I can't predict it. How can I be expected to work on someone else's schedule? I can't even work on mine!

But anger takes energy, so I have to sigh and let it go.

Here's hoping I'll have the energy to get something out of the meeting I was invited to attend this afternoon. We're going to be talking about tarot as a business which is something I really need to know! And then this evening is my online tarot group but who knows how I'll be feeling by then. I'm a little worried about getting a shot of energy in the late afternoon since that usually leads to a late and restless night.

And at some point I really need to shower. I was planning to wash my hair today (it's been two weeks) but that might be asking too much. As soon as I finish this pot of tea I'm gonna take a nap.

I am resolved not to speak about difficult/fraught issues when I reach a certain level of fatigue (like discussions of bigotry, etc.). When I'm very tired, I speak thoughtlessly and I don't want to be a person who speaks thoughtlessly. So from now on when I'm tired like I am today (a 2 on a scale of 1 to 5 where 1 is non-functional on the couch/in bed) I will decline to engage in that conversation and explain why if necessary.

Even if I'm in a small group discussion in a Whiteness workshop and the black woman facilitating our small group of me and three white guys (who all work in IT and I knew two of them) keeps waiting for someone to talk. Not even then. I will just sit in embarrassing silence with the other uncomfortable white people because for me that's not as bad as sounding like some rambly, self-absorbed ~woke person~. Again. (yes this happened last week too I am a slow learner.)

Ugh. Ugh.

As you might infer, I did not feel great coming out of today's diversity training session, thanks. At least it was the final session.

I am so, so tired.

I made these peanut sauce noodles last week and was pleased with the sauce. Deeply disappointed in the soba noodles that broke apart before they even finished cooking, tho. I'll use a different brand next time.

Thanks to solidarity with

naye , I wrote 1,342 words on Reconstruction this week! Fandom friends are such a blessing.

Had a bit of a pity party for myself last night because I canceled my plans to see a local surf rock band play an early show downtown. I was already tired (I've been extra tired all week) and have a busy weekend with plans that involve other people that I didn't want to cancel. The whole evening my brain pummeled me with things like "it's going to be too cold to go to these pretty soon" and "hope that potential fun-times partner you've been dreaming about wasn't at the show."

sigh. Thanks, brain.

Also my left hip has hurt all week because I overdid the yoga again. I suspect an inflamed labrum. I'm thinking I need to just stop with all mobility work except for myofascial release. Which of course brings up a whole bunch of other "in my previous life" feelings where I for years went to yoga every week and was even enrolled in a teacher training certification class (but had to drop out because--you guessed it--fatigue issues). Now that I think about it, the constant low-level pain has probably been exacerbating this week's fatigue issues.

But! I have lots of fun distractions today and tomorrow. Early this afternoon I'm going to a friend's house to watch the first few episodes of The Untamed with him (I've been trying to get him to watch it for years) and drinks with friends this evening. Tomorrow I'm touching up my roots which usually lifts my mood and then there's a carillon concert on campus that Coworker A and I are attending.

Small pleasures, right? Small pleasures.

Fanart: Lollipop. On/off. Back hug! Another ghost story! Love bites. Dip. Princess carry.

Beautiful danger. Zhu Yilong plaguing the baby mimosas.

Dreamwidth: Having the REPLY link in the same place as BAN USER or UNSUBSCRIBE when I hover a nanosecond too long is NOT GREAT.

Good news: Dinner went well! Everyone liked the food (shrimp curry that I fleshed out last minute with some eggplants because the students each brought their significant other--whoops! cultural assumptions, my bad!--and chocolate bread with black cherry jam). Hilariously, what everyone really liked was the eggplant so next time I'll skip spending the money on shrimp. Of course the whole time I was cooking the eggplants all I could think of was this.

It was really fun! For me, anyway. I hope they had a good time. They liked the food, at least--everyone went back for seconds. It was an experience, though. I'd never been such an odd person out in so many ways--the oldest (by far! the oldest of them was born in 1990), the only single person, and the only white person. I felt as much an observer as participant in the conversations. The style of communication was very different than what I have with the (few) other people I hang out with in person and it was fascinating. Obviously the conversations were a little more superficial since I've previously hung out with only one of them but all four of them (especially the two significant others) regularly spent time on their phones, just, like, scrolling until a topic of interest came up. But when they joined back in, it was obvious they'd been paying attention because they'd reference what other people were saying. And I can do that, myself, but I've never been in a group of people doing it. I wouldn't want someone to do that in a one-on-one conversation, but in a group setting It was lovely, actually. Eased the pressure of my instinctive need as a host to keep conversation rolling. They stayed for five hours, long after the food ran out, so I feel like they were enjoying themselves?

Bad news: I feel like shit today! Like wow I am completely wiped out and I'm hungry, but my stomach isn't happy with anything I put in it (not even broth and rice). I took a nap at 11am. I wasn't even able to deal with having music on until 4pm. Checking my old entries, I haven't made a fatigue-related post (beyond my usual state of always being tired in some way) since March 31. That's actually pretty good! But other than my short daily walks which have been on hold for a week with all the rain, I haven't exactly been real active these past couple months. So that doesn't give me a lot of information, but I'm noting it here for future data points.

Speaking of, the weather is not great, and that could be a factor, at least with this morning's headache.

So it was a fun time and I loved feeding people again but wow, at the cost of an entire day--not sure how often I'll be able to afford that indulgence.

The TL is having a collective meltdown today over Bai Yu's earring and ponytail. Here it is in motion. Bob, can we get that on replay?

Fanart: Love this take on the Necklace of Pining. Also love happy Shen Wei at Zhao Yunlan's flirting. Sad and bloody Modern Kunwei.

Sweet Chuguo moodboard.

From Tumblr, for the Wang Zhuocheng fans.

My thoughts 24+ hours after my first shot:

Really not looking forward to the second dose.

I was fine the evening of, but the day after was rough. I felt like I was moving through water and my brain was so sluggish. I had a bit of a headache--what I think of as Fatigue Headache. Sort of like a sinus headache but comes with a side effect of considerably slowing down my thought processes to where I get a little panicked from not being able to think. As a test, I played a few games of solitaire and (I timed myself) it took about 1.5x as long to get through a game as usual. Interesting little bit of empirical evidence I'd never thought to try before. Anyway, I was just fucking exhausted all day and it was a real drag.

Feeling a little better today, but I'm not gonna push anything yet. My low back hurts in the usual spot which makes no sense because I've done nothing to deserve it. I can only assume it's general inflammation. Extra sucks because I can't stand for very long which means not much is gonna happen on the portrait today, either.

While I was in the throes of fatigue brain yesterday, I watched a horror film on the recommendation of a friend. It's not my usual mindless horror comfort watch but it was so good. Super mind-bendy what-is-real speculative fiction. It's called Coherence and if you like tight, unscripted, ensemble cast stuff I think you'd like it. There's no gore (one guy bumps his head off-screen that results in a bit of bleeding), and no special effects. It was filmed in the writer/director's house on a shoestring budget but the camerawork and acting is spot-on. I watched it on Shudder TV but I don't know where else it might be available. Definitely worth hunting down if it sounds at all interesting, though.

eta: aaaaand it's another nap-before-noon day.

Z1L's Thermos line now has a Hello Kitty model. A Natural Beauty.

I way overdid it yesterday. A trip to Costco and two short social visits was apparently too much. By 5pm I was fully in the throes of adrenal fatigue. Dizzy, headachey, slightly nauseated but still hungry, unable to focus on anything or sleep--such a fun combo, ringing in my ears, elevated heart rate, dry mouth, the whole bit. I tried twice to take a nap (no joy, but at least it was downtime in a dark room), and couldn't fall asleep until well past midnight despite lying in bed quietly for nearly two hours. Woke up at least once in the night, and then a bit before 6am at which point there was no more sleep for me! It's going to be a long day and I'm gonna spend all of it on my couch. sighhhhh *moves entirety of my to-do list to next week*

There was an exciting moment late last night where the fairy lights around my bed turned off by themselves. I was able to turn them back on just fine, fortunately. They're on a remote control that I looped around one of the bedposts above my head so I know I didn't accidentally hit it. I'm not nearly so fortunate as to have a ghost in this place so I don't know what that was about. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The bad news for Hong Kong democracy hopes is also weighing heavily. Tried to read an article yesterday about the bail hearings and had to stop. Saw another one today and the headline alone made me start to cry so I didn't even bother trying to read more. Nearly everything just seems to be getting worse almost everywhere and my fragile heart is already at its limit. Fuck, just thinking about it has re-triggered that headache from yesterday and my ears are ringing again.

Good time to step away and do my daily sit (as soon as I finish my tea). Be here now and breathe, breathe, breathe.

Power went out this morning at 8. I thought it was one of the rolling blackouts, but nope, just a regular old power failure. Things didn't come back on until a bit after 11, by which point my place was 47F. Nippy! Thank goodness I have a down comforter and was warm and cozy in bed when things shut down so was able to hold in that heat. My feet were starting to chill by the time things came on, but mostly I was okay. If a bit bored (I was afraid to wear down my phone battery since I had no way to recharge it) and pining for tea.

I think we got maybe four? five?ish? inches of snow. Not terrible compared to some, certainly nothing out of the usual for this part of the country. Still unusually cold, though. I think we're currently sitting at today's expected high of 10F. Today's the first sunny day since...Friday? maybe? and the snow seemed to have stopped falling for at least a while so I got out the shovel.

the_lucky_nun was headed over to help and I had finished clearing a path through my patio when my neighbor with the baby tractor headed across the street and did my drive! (also my landlord's, bless him)

The few minutes I actually did some activity felt so good, though, and I'm a little adrenaline-high from it. Keeping careful stock of my energy levels to see if they plummet and if they do, how long it takes. If I crash within 60 minutes that's pretty indicative of adrenal fatigue.

My brain feels wonderfully alert at the moment. It's such a good thing to be reminded of how that feels. It's been a long time. Let's see about getting some writing done before Tech Friend picks up my laptop tomorrow morning. She's gonna try to determine if there's anything to be done about this non-functioning microphone issue.

ETA: Welp, there's the fatigue, right on schedule at 40 minutes and some change. FUCK.

This (SFW) Luo Fei fanart did things to me.

Another article about how the cosplayers were a distraction (and are still) from the actually dangerous insurrectionists.

I've stopped my donations to AO3, too, but it seems so paltry. What can be done when complaints go unanswered and nobody with the knowledge and ability to enact change even wants to run for the board? It's gotten so I hate uploading my fic there, but... ugh, idk idk idk.

I found someone local to take the freebie dance stuff. She might also know some takers for the things I want to sell, so that's promising. I was trying to find photos of some of the to-sell stuff and y'all. I found some videos of me dancing that I didn't know I had. Problem is both of them, the person filming held the camera in portrait orientation (for most of them--one of them he switched the way he was holding it during the performance *sigh*). If I loaded these up to Dropbox, is there anyone with video editing abilities who could fix them so they're viewable on YouTube without craning your head sideways? I'm not even gonna bother asking for editing suggestions because that's just not gonna happen. Haven't had enough brain for new things going on a couple weeks, now. I don't even have the mental capacity to follow the plot of new shows.

It was wonderful but heartbreaking to watch the videos (even turned sideways) on a day when fatigue was so bad. Turns out I can do either a couple hours in my art studio or my PT, not both. Doing both put me pretty much immobile on the couch for seven hours until I could go to bed without dooming myself to being wide awake at 2am. This morning I managed to sleep until my usual 4:30-ish (hurray for six consecutive hours!) and then again from a bit after 7 to 8:30 but my body is still super heavy and my brain feels like it's taking up too much space in my skull.

Kinda starting to have concerns about my ability to work when this is over? I tell myself that once I don't have the constant psychological pressure of, you know, *waves hand at everything* I'll have more in me. Can't lie, though, I'm a little worried.

How much do I want to be at Escapade, basking in the energy of people jumping into Guardian and History 3 Trapped? A LOT. I want it A LOT.

Twitter:
Fanart: Chibi Brady Bunch. Zhao Yunlan pulls a Hey Sailor on Hei Lao Ge.
Why oh why didn't I write Ghost Story's Zhao Yunlan with glasses? If I could change ONE thing about the story, that would be it.
Zhu Yilong, sir, this look is a good look.

I don't share the Henry Cavill thirst, but I'm loving the tweets of people who are questioning their sexuality because of him.

ALERT ALERT there's a new dS vid from sisabet that will rip out your heart in the most beautifully horrible way.

Put off reading Brianne Benness's TED talk/essay about chronic illness until I felt I could deal with it. Turns out I still can't--not enough to respond to it yet, anyway, but it's good and important and if you know anyone with a chronic illness (or, unfortunately, have one yourself), I can't recommend it enough. "Many chronic illnesses are unlikely to take your life but incredibly likely to take you away from the life you love." Truth fuckin' hurts, yo. Ooof.

Onto happier things (which... pretty telling when "happier things" include a hurt/comfort fic that is nearly 29k words already and pretty darn sparse on the comfort). Ugh. Anyway. Not as momentous as last week's THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED snippet, but Shen Wei is SITTING ON IT at least:

"Ah, Shen Wei,” Zhao Yunlan mumbled, eyes still closed. “So much better when you’re in bed with me.”

Zhao Yunlan’s eyes flew open at Shen Wei’s gasp and he snatched his hand back. Shen Wei mourned the loss, disappointed but relieved. A ghost of the touch still lingered, tingling under the pajama fabric. Shen Wei wanted those fingers on him again, splayed across his hips, tracing under his waistband, pressing against him, inside him. He breathed in, slow and steady, and reached for the breakfast tray.

Twitter:
Pecs pecs pecs. The thumb movement. And blink. His shoulders. Breeze catching his hair. yes I bookmarked this shut up. Is that a hint of beard shadow? please say yes
For comparison/contrast: Bai Yu (ver. 1) and Bai Yu (ver. 2). I know I've posted version 2 here before and I probably will again.
Fanart: Hurt/Comfort. Chibi sweetness.
I'm really enjoying the full-length views here.

Untamed:
My Baby Boy.
For my Jiang Cheng loving friends.
Somehow I always forget Wei Wuxian actually says this. omg Lan Zhan's look.

I love this Horny/Tender/Feral Venn diagram for astrological houses even though it's absolutely wrong for me (Aquarius). *insert joke about not having a tender bone in my body* I think other Aquarians agree with me because there's not a single reply that mentions Aquarius (as of this posting anyway).

Found the Arab trap station on Spotify and am... really missing bellydance right now. Love that western dancers have such readily available sources of appropriate performance music, now, though. GOOD FOR THEM!

This LitHub piece makes me...ugh, idk. I hate being a hater, but otoh I'm an asshole by nature and this made me roll my eyes so hard:
Have you ever listened to one of your favorite albums on repeat, gotten lost in the sweeping, cinematic feel of it, knew it so well that you began picturing it as a narrative, filled in the details missing from the music, and then realized the story you were telling was almost fully independent of the album that sparked it, and then wrote that story down and published it?

It's called songfic, y'all. And certain populations have been doing it for free for a long time. But of course, you know, it's just fanfic. *hrmf*

I will be over this (and myself) tomorrow, but today I am tired and grumpy because I did something I wanted to do (poured lotion bars) in addition to what I had to do (grocery shopping and food prep) and now I am crashed on the couch for the rest of the day.

Maybe I'll get some writing done at least. But first I owe

glymr an email... *rubs hands as energetically as possible under the circumstances*

I have no idea what happened, but fatigue hit me like a truck yesterday. It was bad. Like, it'd been gearing up I guess, but I really hoped my taking it easy most of last week would help. NOPE. A two hour nap was followed by a sobbing breakdown on the couch and y'all know how I feel about crying. Canceled the lunch date I had for today with someone I haven't seen in well over three years and have written off any notions of visiting my friend in New Orleans.

Pretty much barely functioning right now but I have the spoons for interacting with people on the internet (dogs bless y'all internet beloveds) and at least I can write a little bit. I'm holding onto both of those things pretty hard.

Zhao Yunlan stepped up the small rise onto the front porch while digging in his jacket pocket. He unlocked the door and disappeared into the darkness. Shen Wei forced himself to keep breathing and counted out the longest ninety seconds of his life. When Zhao Yunlan finally stepped back outside, his mouth was set in a firm line. He waived in a vaguely beckoning gesture, and Shen Wei stepped out onto their front lawn. Zhao Yunlan patted his shoulder as he passed by to open up the back of the jeep.

“This is gonna be interesting,” he muttered. He grabbed both their large suitcases.

Laden with an armful of groceries, Shen Wei followed him to the house. Crossing the threshold, the produce seemed to turn to lead and he nearly dropped everything from his numb hands. With the exception of the bathroom—he hoped that’s what was behind the one door, anyway—the structure consisted of a single room, with kitchen, sitting space, and sleeping area all within easy view of each other. A wooden ladder leading up to a small loft offered the sole hint of privacy. He swallowed. There was only one bed.

Twitter:
I often click on a Tweet's Google Translate option for the lulz but I am rarely so rewarded as I was with this one.
Choose Your Fighter!
Get me you a man who can do both. (or does it all)
Have some more Zhu Yilong whump (as Luo Fusheng).
More casual/candid shots with the beloved ponytail.
Fanart: a sweet moment on the couch.
Love Shen Wei being the BCE in his civvies.

Fan's list of Chinese honorifics and pet names.

Physically, things are not great. Fatigue levels are real bad and I'm not sleeping well. It was better when I went to bed at 11p but I've been so tired the past week I haven't been able to stay up past 9:30 or so, and I'm back to waking up at 3a. Gonna take it extra easy today, see if that helps me stay up later. I don't plan to change out of my pajamas or speak aloud to a living soul any more than absolutely necessary.

Also, it's snowing, so extra motivation to stay curled up on the couch with tea and blankets. The cat refuses to sit next to me, though. I think she's still upset about yesterday (and the pain meds I keep giving her every 12 hours)

I feel like this and I don't even have to go to a day job. Ridiculous.

Twitter:
Love this manga-cover-looking fanart of the entire SID
Shen Wei holding some bright energy
Shenwei attending to urgent heipaoshi business when his usual robes are in the wash, looking like he’s about to go LARPing

Who else has those mornings where you lie in bed for four hours after waking even though you desperately want tea but instead of making the damn tea, you fantasize about how if you don't actually get up the world outside your bedroom might have ceased to exist and wouldn't that be great?

sigh

Yesterday did not go as hoped. Got hit with a fatigue bat early in the afternoon and this morning I woke up with a sore throat. Am supposed to go out for lunch and mani-pedi (a gift from the visiting R family--very generous). I'm hoping that doesn't knock me down further.

If I don't get to go out for NYE I'm gonna be so mad y'all.

This week's dump on cm.net.

Twitter:
Some Bai Yu selfies that are a little more *cough*, well, more something than the ones I linked yesterday.
An Untamed epistolary/texting Twitter fic. Unfinished, but adorable.
Toot Toot! Love how the Harper's Bazaar China wedding shoot continues to come for my life.

YouTube's algorithm suggested the short film Kiss of the Rabbit God and it was not an inaccurate match for my interests. Warnings for blood, and ritualized/fantasy self-harm (that is actually not self-harm).

I had to skim parts of the last six episodes of Guardian to get timeline stuff right for Deconstruction and now I have a bit of sad. THIS SHOW.

Yesterday was awful. Thank dogs I don't actually care about the holiday. I drank one (one!) champagne cocktail with friends at their Xmas Eve gathering and boy oh boy did I pay for it the next day. Got to bed late, slept terrible, woke too early, and the whole day was a wash. I meant to clean house, bake cookies, get prepped for weekend company (mckitterick's new GF and her family want to meet me), but nope! I mostly just sat on the couch in a depressive stupor. Fatigue really fucks with my emotional equilibrium. Of course when I'm quiet on the couch is when Mckitterick wants to have Discussions. Ugh. Gross. I managed, but still... blah.

( Cut for discussions of recreational use. )

Finally, and most importantly: Read the first two chapters of Tessa's Lady Hotspur before the book comes out in January! This link is also in the dump, but I wanted to make sure people who didn't click the link saw it because Tessa is such a good writer, y'all. She gave me an advance UK copy when I saw her Tuesday night (she is also the one who gave me the cocktail but I don't hold it against her) and I'm So Excited to start it but am waiting until after our holiday company leaves. SIGH.

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
			1	2	3	4
5	6	7	8	9	10	11
12	13	14	15	16	17	18
19	20	21	22	23	24	25
26	27	28	29	30	31

Clever Manka is dressed and undressed

Write Porn, Carry Water

Fatigue tracking

More tracking, more "of course!"

Fatigue tracking

Monday

Smooth-brained

Ooof

Tuesday

Note to self

Saturday

Monday

Wednesday

Friday

Tuesday

Tuesday

Sunday Snippet, et. al.

Couch-bound

Sunday Snippet

Wednesday Update

Yep, that's a Monday

Thursday Link Dump, et. al.

Profile

January 2025

Syndicate

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags