clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2023-09-25 09:28 am
clevermanka) wrote2023-09-25 09:28 am
Entry tags:
Monday
I'm having lots of good Thinky Thoughts about this morning's tarot card pull. I want to write a Patreon post about it/them. I even know what direction I want to go with it, but my mind* is resisting hard. It's an actual physical sensation of putting on the brakes when I consider opening up LibreOffice. I thought about using Mel Robbin's five-second rule to Just Do It before something clicked for me.
(For me, "mind" = brain and body in communication with each other)
I've never had issues with executive dysfunction. For the vast majority of my life I did what I wanted when I wanted to do it. And I would still be doing most of those things if my body could accommodate them. But because of that ability, I pushed myself hard for years to the detriment of my physical (and mental) health. So why do I think this resistance to Doing The Thing is now a brain block that can be remedied by counting down to lift-off?
As humans we are wired for stasis. We crave the return to "normal" even when normal is unhealthy and destructive (see: Society's embrace of COVID denial in order to resume eating in restaurants, going in public unmasked, required on-site work, etc.). It makes sense that my mind is resisting my desire to sit down and write. It knows better.
I don't think it's executive dysfunction and I know it's not that I don't want to write the essay. It's that my mind knows writing two things in two days (I put up a Patreon post yesterday) will wipe me out for the rest of the day, and possibly tomorrow. It's not unlikely that my instinctive resistance to writing something requiring a significant amount of brain power is a result of my mind trying to protect itself from me.
Unfortunately this sort of enforced rest conflicts in unpleasant ways with my isolation. Boredom and loneliness are a terrible, terrible combination.
(For me, "mind" = brain and body in communication with each other)
I've never had issues with executive dysfunction. For the vast majority of my life I did what I wanted when I wanted to do it. And I would still be doing most of those things if my body could accommodate them. But because of that ability, I pushed myself hard for years to the detriment of my physical (and mental) health. So why do I think this resistance to Doing The Thing is now a brain block that can be remedied by counting down to lift-off?
As humans we are wired for stasis. We crave the return to "normal" even when normal is unhealthy and destructive (see: Society's embrace of COVID denial in order to resume eating in restaurants, going in public unmasked, required on-site work, etc.). It makes sense that my mind is resisting my desire to sit down and write. It knows better.
I don't think it's executive dysfunction and I know it's not that I don't want to write the essay. It's that my mind knows writing two things in two days (I put up a Patreon post yesterday) will wipe me out for the rest of the day, and possibly tomorrow. It's not unlikely that my instinctive resistance to writing something requiring a significant amount of brain power is a result of my mind trying to protect itself from me.
Unfortunately this sort of enforced rest conflicts in unpleasant ways with my isolation. Boredom and loneliness are a terrible, terrible combination.
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Yeah. Chronic fatigue sucks so much.
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That sounds very likely. And I'm glad your mind has those defense mechanisms in place! But having your own needs conflict with each other is fucking awful. :(
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Yes, conflicting needs are SO AWFUL. It's just like how I was in a more-tolerable mental state when I was writing 1k words a day on Original Novel. But then when I took a break I just crashed for
weeksmonths (just checked and I send that first draft to beta on JULY 24. It's been two months as of yesterday since I was able to work on it for one reason or the other. fuuuuuu). And I'm still not recovered! Not even close!BUT
Not having that psychological escape from my own existence means I spend the vast majority of my time in a state of extremely lonely boredom (shows and books are both tiring as well as insufficiently distracting). The morbid rumination that results is obviously not good for my health, either! And it's not like there's some ~psychological trick~ I can utilize to navigate the problem because humans are wired for social interaction and interdependence. Yes, we are an adaptable species, but neuroplasticity has its fuckin' limits, you know?
God
It's just so frustrating. Which is itself exhausting. Ha! Ha ha!
I should go lie down.
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It makes sense that my mind is resisting my desire to sit down and write. It knows better.
This isn't exactly what I go through, but it's very similar. It's logical to me that our bodies are protecting us from overexertion. Thanks for putting this into words.
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