Note to self

[clevermanka]

I am resolved not to speak about difficult/fraught issues when I reach a certain level of fatigue (like discussions of bigotry, etc.). When I'm very tired, I speak thoughtlessly and I don't want to be a person who speaks thoughtlessly. So from now on when I'm tired like I am today (a 2 on a scale of 1 to 5 where 1 is non-functional on the couch/in bed) I will decline to engage in that conversation and explain why if necessary.

Even if I'm in a small group discussion in a Whiteness workshop and the black woman facilitating our small group of me and three white guys (who all work in IT and I knew two of them) keeps waiting for someone to talk. Not even then. I will just sit in embarrassing silence with the other uncomfortable white people because for me that's not as bad as sounding like some rambly, self-absorbed ~woke person~. Again. (yes this happened last week too I am a slow learner.)

Ugh. Ugh.

As you might infer, I did not feel great coming out of today's diversity training session, thanks. At least it was the final session.

I am so, so tired.

Comments

[naye]

*all the hugs*

YOU know that it was better than the alternative. And I bet everyone else was grateful it was over as quickly as possible, unless it was a truly world-changing kind of diversity training.

[clevermanka]

No, I really don't think it was. One, I did not present myself well at all (other than modeling white woman tears quite well) and two, it didn't help to cover for white men who are too uncomfortable to speak. They don't want to speak? Okay, fine we'll all be uncomfortable together.

I'm not taking the hit anymore for white people who don't want to feel awkward.

[wrote_and_writ]

Oof, that's a tough situation but a smart policy.

[clevermanka]

Yeah. I'm angry at myself that it took two lessons to learn it.

[wrote_and_writ]

To be fair, two is a small number for life lessons, although it does suck that they were painful.

[clevermanka]

I used to be a faster learner 😂

[wrote_and_writ]

Well, it's still faster than me. Although it *has* been a while since I got something hot, looked at it, thought I wonder if this is hot? and touched it. The scar is still there.

[clevermanka]

I love how this might be a metaphor and might not. Works either way!

[wrote_and_writ]

It is not a metaphor. I stuck a metal thing in a candle flame, took it out of the flame and pressed it into my finger.

[clevermanka]

Oh my god, DEB 😂😂😂

[wrote_and_writ]

😬
I bought a mandolin after not having one for years because the last time I used one, I sliced my thumb so badly I went to the ER. Let’s hope I don’t need to learn that lesson again because I don’t want to learn what a Belarusian ER is like. Although it would definitely be cheaper than the US 🤔
(No, stop! Imagination exists for a reason! We do NOT have to try everything!)
On a lighter note, there is a non-zero number of decorative soaps and candles that have Baby!Deb’s tooth marks in them, so you can see I have always been Like This.

[clevermanka]

This is such a character-in-a-story trait I love it.

[wrote_and_writ]

I am a completely ridiculous human most of the time ☺️ I think it’s why my students like me so much.

[clevermanka]

Ugh I wanna quit my job and work as office staff at whatever school you're working for so hard.

[minoanmiss]

You learned it whatsoever. SOOOOOOO many people need to.

It's not like you could tell her this, but if you could have I'm sure the faciliatator would have understood.

[clevermanka]

I'd like to think so! But I also know it's not her responsibility to understand, and it is my responsibility to sit with my discomfort. *sigh*

EMOTIONAL GROWTH. THE WORST.

[the_lucky_nun]

Fwiw, it happens a lot in these workshops, and facilitators are good at picking up the dynamics and understanding various reasons for silence. Cis white men really are the worst, every time, and not letting them off the hook by filling the silence is a tactical move (non-move?). Your contribution/example of action taken in the big group was appreciated. 🙂

[clevermanka]

THANK YOU FRIEND.

And yes THEY ARE THE WORST.

[msmitti]

This is very good. Remember this when you are next asked to do any other kind of emotional labor for someone.

[clevermanka]

For. Real.

[clevermanka]

Also OH MY GOD I'm still annoyed at that HVAC dude (speaking of white cis men) and having to wear my mask for the whole workshop. I was so stressed on top of everything else I'm already stressed about ugh ugh ugh

[kazoogrrl]

Those dudes know that they are supposed to be the ones speaking up first, and good for you for not giving them an out.

ETA: Is diversity training ever effective? I've only seen it presented in a self-congratulatory way by the company/institution, but I have no idea of the outcomes.

[clevermanka]

NEXT TIME! *shakes tiny fist at uncaring universe* 😆

eta: I think this one is because it's purely voluntary and designed for people who already have decided they want to change learned behavior.