Clever Manka is dressed and undressed

Uhhh. So First Time is up to 100 kudos just over the weekend? I think people like it? I guess? I mean, it felt like a good story as I was writing it, and I was pretty sure nobody'd done that particular take on it before, but I didn't expect quite this level of response. I'm so glad the time/verb tense switching seems to work (at least for those who commented about it). When I first sent it to solo  for beta, I said that was the only thing that was non-negotiable. It's not something one is "supposed" to do in writing, and even mckitterick sorta side-eyed me when I told him what I was planning. But I needed that switching/experience overlap to happen for Shen Wei and the reader in an explicit way. What a relief and a pleasure that I was able to pull it off.

Speaking of fic writing, it's interesting to me how people navigate their reading habits when it comes to fic (and, probably, other writing as well). rheasilvia mentioned in a post not wanting to read fic while writing and while I've only written two fics (my only two pieces of fiction ever, at all), both times when I got stuck I was like "welp! time to read what someone else has to say about this character!" and then I go get inspired by someone else's hot sex scene character development.

In Fabulous Good News that is not about Guardian, I slept through the night! It helped that I was bone-tired after three 2am mornings in a row, and I drugged myself with a double dose of diphenhydramine. I did wake up around 2, then 4:30, then a bit before 6, and finally at 7:30 but other than that last one I was able to easily fall back asleep almost immediately. FUCK YEAH. FELT GOOD.

Speaking of feeling good, I'm running some errands later this morning so will soon break my streak but as of right now I've gone nearly 72 hours without speaking aloud to another soul. My god I can't even describe how wonderful it's been. Because I am so super chatty and not shy in the slightest, people assume I'm an extrovert, but (ha ha ha ha ha!) no. I just have a very loud personality. I fucking love being alone. As long as I had internet interactions with people, I feel like I would do well in one of those solitary space mission things. Except for my deep and abiding existential horror of voids. 

If anyone wants to see pics of me and my parents, here are the proofs from the photo shoot last week. My reactions:
1) I look like a fucking Amazon. I'm only 5'7" (probably 5'9" in those shoes tho) and my parents are seriously shrinking. Like seriously shrinking. Daddy used to be 6'1" and Mommy was nearly 5'11" when I was growing up. Being able to fit her under my chin is surreal. And terrifying. Osteoporosis is bad, folks! Eat your greens! Lift weights!
2) I really should have taken off my footie socks with those shoes but the next stop was the airport and I didn't want to forget to put them back on. Not walking on airport floors barefoot. UGH.
3) Real glad I washed my hair because even though I'm sporting over half an inch of roots there, it looks gr8.
4) My neck must've been bothering me that day, otherwise I don't know why I've got my head tilted up in half those photos. I know that's not the best angle for my face and I'm usually very conscientious about that when modeling.
5) My parents are fucking adorable.

Woke up at 2am. Couldn't fall back asleep, so got up a bit before 3a. It's getting on to 7a, so I'm pretty sure I'm up for the day. Yay. I've got a ton to do today, too. Grocery store, library, laundry, just enough food prep to get us through the next three days (we're both traveling next week and I don't want stuff sitting in the fridge)...ugh.

Tomorrow might be rough. And then I leave for Indianapolis on Sunday. HA HA HA HA *thud*

At least waking so early gave me plenty of time to do a final pass over my first draft of the First Time fic. Sent it to beta a couple hours ago. My second fic! What a world, what a world. Now I just need to start my third watch of Guardian before digging into the Ghost Story. This time I'll be watching with solo 's subtitles and am Very Excited About That. It'll be mckitterick 's second time watching and I'm excited to hear what he thinks. I got so much out of my first re-watch.

I linked to BTS's "Airplane pt. 2" music video in yesterday's dump (and yes, I did watch it again just now since I obviously had to grab the URL for the link WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR POINT) and in the comments on cm.net kazoogrrl mentioned the MV for Blood Sweat & Tears. Since our tastes align like 90% of the time, I of course checked it out immediately and...um, yeah. It's a lot. Dear lord. Just when you think it's reached Peak Hotness (for me, 1:09 with the swing and again at 1:20 with the swing) it keeps on giving more and more (fingers in mouths! blowing smoke! fucking blindfolds! the...kissing?) until you're left with nothing but your own id and a white flag.

Honestly I'm not entirely sure what is the narrative, but I am HERE FOR IT.

It's been around five years (I think) since coffee showed up as a no-go on my food allergy/sensitivity panel. So I haven't done more than just smell it since. Since I've successfully reincorporated a lot of other foods in the past year, I thought I'd give decaf a try (caffeine will always be on my Extremely Limited in Small Amounts list). It was decaf, and it was reheated, but dogs it was delicious. Alas, two hours later my abdomen was swollen as fuck and it's still a little bloated. No pain or other GI distress, just an additional four inches or so around my waist all day. So that answers that. Apparently some food sensitivities are still with me (hurray for being able to reincorporate blueberries, cranberries, mushrooms, and most cruciferous vegetables).

I planned to have a hermit weekend but turns out I'll be socializing on Sunday with one of our profs (my faculty BFF) and our department's student assistant who is graduating after working for us for four years. She's leaving for grad school and this might be the last time the three of us get to hang out before she takes off. *weeps* It's a rough thing about making friends with students. It's good when they leave (that's what's supposed to happen anyway), but it's still sad.

Had another 3am wake-up this morning. mckitterick  keeps trying to make suggestions about things to do and (I think) gets frustrated with my continued refrain of "There Is Probably No Solution To This It Just Needs To Be Survived." I feel like he thinks that's me being defeatist, but I don't know a single person who has hit menopause and still sleeps eight hours seven nights a week. Nothing is going to help with hormone fluctuations and that's just life.

I dislike the title of this article, because it makes it sound like inflammation is the only cause of depression, but the rest of the article is another good example of more evidence in the mind/body connection.

Speaking of depression, I'm having some problems that have me teetering on the edge right now.

My sleep issues returned after a blissful two months of my sleeping through the night (that was wonderful). For a week, I've been waking up three or four times a night and having problems returning to sleep. At first I thought I was too warm, but now I think it's something else. Dr. Khosh put me on a different testosterone supplement and I'm wondering if that's the culprit. It could also be that Dr. Jonah started scaling back my endocrine supplements. I resumed the previous dosages of the endocrine stuff yesterday and if I'm not sleeping better after the weekend I'm going back to my old testosterone supplements to see if that helps. I haven't had a single night with three consecutive hours of sleep in over a week.

Work is frustrating me for reasons I'm not gonna go into here. I'll just say I've never been as close to quitting this job as I was yesterday afternoon.

The new receptionist at Dr. Jonah's asked me on Tuesday what I did. I hate answering that question with a response about my employment, but I honestly couldn't think of what else to answer. Right now my life is: work, food prep, eating, cleaning up after eating, and (five days a week) yoga. Like, that's it. No social activities outside of chatting with mckitterick during meals or before bed, and our Wednesday night burgers with a small group of friends, which can be filed under "eating." No art projects. I haven't even had the energy to sew a pair of commissioned bloomers for hdsqrl that would take me one measly hour.

Last night I got home from work and was so fatigued I lay down on the couch to re-charge before we went for burgers at 6:30. I woke up at 6:20. I don't even remember falling asleep (or trying to). Just lying down and pulling a blanket over me, then it was an hour later.

Those blissful good energy levels of last month might as well be a dream world for all I can remember how they felt or how to regain them. I'm usually more positive than this, but today? God, I'm just tired of things being such a fucking struggle.

I recently found this post on Tumblr that said: You can be depressed and not feel sad or blue. Depression can also be a haze of sleepiness, distractedness and/or obsessiveness cycles, and a twinge of irritability that can be hard to recognize because you might already be a “fiery” person. It can feel like a lazy Sunday that keeps imposing itself for weeks or months. And I realized holy crap, that's me.

Occasionally I get the Blue Fugues, but they're rare (a couple times a year) and I like to think I'm pretty good at recognizing when I have them. I mean, it might take me a while to cotton to the fact, but when I do, I'm pretty honest about admitting I have a problem and taking steps to fix it. However, apparently some people (if this post is to be believed and really, it seems pretty sensible once I think about it) can experience depression differently.

Haze of sleepiness (that's not always attributable to insomnia)? Check.

Distractedness (compared to my usual ability to focus)? Check.

Irritability ("twinges" ha ha ha ha ha ha)? Check.

A lazy Sunday that keeps imposing itself for weeks or months? God, yes, check check check. I have felt disappointingly lazy* for nearly a year now. I only do the bare minimum and that bare minimum has become more and more bare the past several months. I've cut nearly all non-online social interactions, exercise, and nearly all my creative pursuits.

* I can talk about laziness and my feelings about laziness in the comments if anyone's interested. Short version: I don't think being occasionally lazy is bad--sometimes it's good to be lazy.

But I didn't think I was depressed. Just tired. Now I'm starting to wonder about that.

Interesting, yes? Has anyone heard of this type of depression? I mean, for real I'd rather consider my lack of motivation has a cause that I can address. I know how to deal with depression. I just didn't realize that even when I wasn't feeling depressed, I might have been.

I think I mentioned before how Dr. Jonah talked about how exciting it is to see clients realize what we might be able to accomplish once we feel well. We've just been doing our absolute best under the circumstances. For some of us, we've been living with those circumstances for so long, it's difficult to consider what we can do when those circumstances are removed. It's amazing and encouraging to consider.

Something else Dr. Jonah and I talked about last night was how the body can, after extended periods of constant stress (hello adrenal fatigue and chronic fatigue syndrome--which I'm now thinking might have been depression, too, the CFS, not the adrenal fatigue) lose the ability to focus. And I kind of wonder if this isn't the source of my dissatisfaction with my job. It's not that I'm getting bored with my job. I'm just not physically capable of giving it the attention I want. Interesting, no? Without my even mentioning this, he recommended I add another supplement to my regimen, something called Hypothalmex. This stuff does a few different things. Generally, it adjusts the way the brain processes our surroundings to make things less stressful. It encourages the hypothalamus (and, thus, the pituitary gland) to be less freaked out by surroundings, so a person doesn't get as worn down by constant stimulation. My disinclination to socialize after a day at work? My increased tendency to hermit? My decreased desire for mental stimulation? Could very likely all be products of an overworked hypothalamus. The supplement also helps regulate fluid balance, metabolize sugars and fats, regulate body temperature, and secretion of hormones, all of which are things I could also use serious help with.

So this is all very encouraging, despite the fact that Sunday night's sleep was apparently a one-off. Last night I woke at 11:40 (too hot, hungry), 1:00 (menstrual cramps), 3:30 (too hot, menstrual cramps), and then finally at 6:50 (thanks, reliable internal alarm clock).

Okay, well, I got almost nine hours of sleep Thursday night. Went to bed at 10p, woke at 4a, but thought I might be able to go back to sleep so I just lay quiet and I must've fallen back asleep because I woke up for good at 7a. GO TEAM. This morning I woke at 3:45a and couldn't get back to sleep. Well, at least I got nearly six hours.

This post came across my dash a few days ago, and I can't stop wondering--is that the back of the KU Student Union? It sure looks like it. I sure want it to be.

Hopes for today's productivity = HIGH. We're doing boxing this morning (changed our boxing day to Saturday because Sunday just was not working), and then I'm gonna sew my mom's xmas present. After that I can pack up and ship off my family's holiday gifts and I am done for the gift-buying for this year. mckitterick's stuff is already wrapped and under the tree. AW YISS.

I used to always have my holiday shopping done before T-day and it feels good to be slowly moving back to that. December is such a nightmare for me at work, and the weather is usually awful too, so it's a great thing to have that one task off my list before the month even starts. Anyone else like to get their holiday stuff done really early? Anyone else actually get their holiday stuff done really early?

And now, my current fave mash-up.

You're welcome.

Soooooo I called in sick to work today. Couldn't do it. I've not had more than six hours of sleep a night in a week. I've had a headache since Monday morning. I haven't eaten more than maybe half a cup of food at a time since Friday night's dinner (and I'm probably only getting maybe two cups of food in me a day, all total). My stomach is delicate and tender and I'm Just. Fucking. Wiped. Physically, emotionally, mentally, everything-ally. I couldn't even finish this fucking banana I tried to eat for breakfast. I LOVE FOOD YOU GUYS. This is so weird.

When I saw Dr. Jonah last night I asked him about the radically decreased appetite. He thought it was interesting but said not to worry about it until it lasts for a week, which will be this Saturday. Could be that my body is simply ready to (finally) release a whole bunch of nastiness it's been storing for years and too much food intake isn't conducive to its style of purging.

Speaking of purging, I'm starting to do things to help rid myself of anger. I'm gonna make a separate post about it because that's a really big deal for me, but I don't have it in me to write it all out now, at least not all at once. But yeah, changes. Emotional growth. MY FAVORITE.

And now I'm going to hit the grocery store for just a few things so I don't have to leave the house again until Sunday if I don't want to. I might also run by Kinko's to get my dSSS piece scanned so I can upload it early (the deadline isn't for another three weeks, but if I can get that off my plate why not). Then maybe a nap.

Second night this week. Wednesday I was awake from 12:30am to 3:30am. This morning I woke at 2:00 and show no signs of sleepiness yet. It's 3:48.

I took the opportunity to re-read one of my favorite fics, and am now moving on to fiddling around with the due South Sekrit Santa project.

Also, my tummy isn't feeling all that great, either.

It's gonna be a long day.

Seen on Tumblr: “It’s messing people up, this social pressure to “find your passion” and “know what it is you want to do”. It’s perfectly fine to just live your moments fully, and marvel as many small and large passions, many small and large purposes enter and leave your life. For many people there is no realization, no bliss to follow, no discovery of your life’s purpose. This isn’t sad, it’s just the way things are. Stop trying to find the forest and just enjoy the trees.” Sally Coulter

Also on Tumblr:


YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

My back is soooo much better. I walked up the hill to work again today! It's always better in the morning so that helps.

I've been sleeping well, too. The only change I've made is I'm eating more in general and also eating more carbs, especially late in the day. The first week after I hurt my back, I let myself binge on all sorts of carby foods and man I slept like a fucking baby. I even took naps a couple days and managed to sleep seven or eight hours straight through the night. So it's a good thing I've given up caring about losing this belly fat.

I've also given up the idea of a mid-life career change. I was playing around with the thought, but four days flat on my back reminded me of how much I benefit from the state of Kansas's generous sick leave allowance. I used to work at a (horrible) office that allowed three total sick days per year. And if I was self-employed, I would have simply been out of luck making any money those days I could barely even stand. So, yes, despite the issues of this job, I'll be staying here. I just need to find solutions for the things that bother me or stop letting them bother me so much.

I am so glad it's Friday. This was a long-ass week. I'm seeing some friends perform tonight at a tiny little hole in the wall bar just north of the river and Saturday I'm gonna do something in the sewing room--not sure what yet, but something. I got a custom order for a pair of bloomers this week and I made them last night. It'd been a long time since I sewed anything (months!) and it felt good. Maybe I'll make myself a sundress or something fun for Comic-Con so I don't spend the entire week in jeans and tee shirts.

Speaking of bloomers, remember they're 20% off with coupon code SUMMER20. It's good through July 20. I'm not taking any custom orders after July 16.

Edited: Thanks to The Toast Link Roundup today, I discovered that the Sherlock living room wallpaper comes in red. DID NOT NEED TO KNOW.

This is adorable. Make a real-life adventure for your kids that incorporates exercise and movement.

Speaking of movement, did anybody else besides sherwood21 and seascribe see my post yesterday? Update: Some comments came through this morning! I'm not fishing for comments, but there was some good stuff in there about movement for desk jockeys and I know a lot of you appreciate those posts. Just wanted to make sure people who might be interested saw it since I know I missed a couple posts from other friends yesterday due to weird LJ stuff.

My sleep was spotty last night, so I'm pretty tired today, which sucks especially hard because I have a two-hour workshop this afternoon on dealing with international student issues. My department doesn't have many international students, but I'd feel better if I knew how to help the few we have navigate the process better. But a two-hour workshop on policy and procedure when I'm already a little wiped? Not great.

The one nice thing about last night was I had a sex dream with Michael Fassbender. STILL NO TOM HIDDLESTON SEX DREAMS WTF, but ah well.

Of course, when I have sex dreams it pretty much just means I'm not seeing enough of mckitterick. This is the last week of the CSSF summer stuff, though, so hurray! His class winds up on Friday. And then next week is his birthday weekend and we've got plans to pretty much just Not Leave The House for 72 hours.

Is anyone else having problems leaving comments on journals? I can see everything on my F-page, but about half the time when I click to comment, I get an error page. I suppose this is a stupid way to ask because if you can't leave comments...