Hypo

[clevermanka]

I recently found this post on Tumblr that said: You can be depressed and not feel sad or blue. Depression can also be a haze of sleepiness, distractedness and/or obsessiveness cycles, and a twinge of irritability that can be hard to recognize because you might already be a “fiery” person. It can feel like a lazy Sunday that keeps imposing itself for weeks or months. And I realized holy crap, that's me.

Occasionally I get the Blue Fugues, but they're rare (a couple times a year) and I like to think I'm pretty good at recognizing when I have them. I mean, it might take me a while to cotton to the fact, but when I do, I'm pretty honest about admitting I have a problem and taking steps to fix it. However, apparently some people (if this post is to be believed and really, it seems pretty sensible once I think about it) can experience depression differently.

Haze of sleepiness (that's not always attributable to insomnia)? Check.

Distractedness (compared to my usual ability to focus)? Check.

Irritability ("twinges" ha ha ha ha ha ha)? Check.

A lazy Sunday that keeps imposing itself for weeks or months? God, yes, check check check. I have felt disappointingly lazy* for nearly a year now. I only do the bare minimum and that bare minimum has become more and more bare the past several months. I've cut nearly all non-online social interactions, exercise, and nearly all my creative pursuits.

* I can talk about laziness and my feelings about laziness in the comments if anyone's interested. Short version: I don't think being occasionally lazy is bad--sometimes it's good to be lazy.

But I didn't think I was depressed. Just tired. Now I'm starting to wonder about that.

Interesting, yes? Has anyone heard of this type of depression? I mean, for real I'd rather consider my lack of motivation has a cause that I can address. I know how to deal with depression. I just didn't realize that even when I wasn't feeling depressed, I might have been.

I think I mentioned before how Dr. Jonah talked about how exciting it is to see clients realize what we might be able to accomplish once we feel well. We've just been doing our absolute best under the circumstances. For some of us, we've been living with those circumstances for so long, it's difficult to consider what we can do when those circumstances are removed. It's amazing and encouraging to consider.

Something else Dr. Jonah and I talked about last night was how the body can, after extended periods of constant stress (hello adrenal fatigue and chronic fatigue syndrome--which I'm now thinking might have been depression, too, the CFS, not the adrenal fatigue) lose the ability to focus. And I kind of wonder if this isn't the source of my dissatisfaction with my job. It's not that I'm getting bored with my job. I'm just not physically capable of giving it the attention I want. Interesting, no? Without my even mentioning this, he recommended I add another supplement to my regimen, something called Hypothalmex. This stuff does a few different things. Generally, it adjusts the way the brain processes our surroundings to make things less stressful. It encourages the hypothalamus (and, thus, the pituitary gland) to be less freaked out by surroundings, so a person doesn't get as worn down by constant stimulation. My disinclination to socialize after a day at work? My increased tendency to hermit? My decreased desire for mental stimulation? Could very likely all be products of an overworked hypothalamus. The supplement also helps regulate fluid balance, metabolize sugars and fats, regulate body temperature, and secretion of hormones, all of which are things I could also use serious help with.

So this is all very encouraging, despite the fact that Sunday night's sleep was apparently a one-off. Last night I woke at 11:40 (too hot, hungry), 1:00 (menstrual cramps), 3:30 (too hot, menstrual cramps), and then finally at 6:50 (thanks, reliable internal alarm clock).

Comments

[msmitti.livejournal.com]

Since every other physical ailment has manifested uniquely for you, it makes sense that your depression would be different. Given the ongoing health issues, it makes complete sense that depression would result, but the additional physical element of that is intriguing too.

The body is a crazy, complex machine.

In sort of related news, I heard part of story on Fresh Air last night about early onset puberty (girls aged 7-8). The part I heard was the correlation between sexual abuse and early onset of puberty. They aren't sure why, but there appears to be a definite correlation. It is like the body "thinks" it is supposed to be sexual since that is how it being treated (my words and interpretation--the doctors were much more precise in their language).

[msmitti.livejournal.com]

Also, I think laziness is not only good, but necessary. Everyone needs down time.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

there appears to be a definite correlation. It is like the body "thinks" it is supposed to be sexual since that is how it being treated

The combination of this and the way we sexualize all young girls is an absolutely horrifying prospect.

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

omg. It all does make sense. I remember Rand telling me that he knew my depression lifted when I went into sudden creative mode after months of having no motivation to accomplish the simplest of pieces.
Too bad the Zoloft had unfortunate side-effects, it did work so well for me when it started working.


How spendy is a trip to Dr. J?

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Dr. Jonah is shockingly inexpensive. He's like, half the price of a visit to Dr. Khosh, which really helps cover the cost of gas to get there. I think it's $35 a session, plus the supplements, which are a lot more expensive than the treatments. He also has a Sample Night, which is a free preview thing. I've never been to one, but I understand they're informative and helpful. The next one is January 6. I might be taking mckitterick to it, just so he can sort of see what we're doing (and also I think he could use it a bit, himself, if nothing else to help with his stress levels). If you don't mind sitting through my appointment (which I'm going to try to schedule for 5:00 or 5:30), maybe we could all carpool.

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

That sounds great!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I'll keep you posted.

[sherwood21.livejournal.com]

I might be interested in that too.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Cool! I'll keep you in the loop.

[kazoogrrl.livejournal.com]

*waves hands around* Yes, all of this.

I've been trying to figure out (for a few years) if I am depressed or just have a depressive personality. I've had bouts of depression, which are different than how I normally feel (such as things I outlined in my post yesterday). Normally I don't feel like I need to do anything about it, just that other people and the world needs to stop being so annoying!

Which has led me to poking around online and wondering about this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia

That info from your doc sounds very interesting.

Laziness: Oh man. I do not see anything wrong with lazy days or something like that, but small, constant acts of laziness drive me bonkers. But I am also hard on myself about not being lazy and getting "enough" things done, and trying to bring my expectations in line with what I can actually achieve is really hard for me. It's like this really tough marriage of low key/low energy personality with Type A personality, so I never feel like I am doing enough but I also have a really hard time just letting go and not doing anything when that would be the best thing. Its like I have a hamster brain in a hibernating bear body.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

The hamster/bear thing is a tough combo. I hope you find a way to manage your own challenges.

[zitronenhai.livejournal.com]

As you know, I suffer from depression. The official diagnosis is "chronic severe depression." That does not mean that I am sad all the time.

Depression can manifest in a BUNCH of different ways. It's not necessarily or just feeling down.

Often, I experience my depression as a pervasive numbness. During these times, I might say I've been dipped in soft wax. I don't get excited about anything. Nothing really interests me. It is not that I am feeling sad at those times, it's that I am feeling nothing.

The lazy Sunday that goes on and on is another thing I have experienced.

Not only may depression be experienced differently by different people, it may be experienced in different ways at different times by the same individual.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you for chiming in on this. It's helpful to have the perspective of someone who's a little more deep in the trenches. And I'm so sorry you got dealt that card, hon. I wish there was something I could do to help you with it.

[msmitti.livejournal.com]

such interesting things happen in the commentary to your posts.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I appreciate my commenters a lot!

[etcet.livejournal.com]

This is what I have. I get more acute episodes about four times a year - mid-march, early july, early-mid october, and late december - almost like clockwork.

i usually recognize them as i'm on my way out of them - "oh, hey, that's why i have been FUCKING PISSED OFF AND NOT WANTING TO DO ANYTHING for the last week and a half."

i'm currently 'enjoying' an out-of-phase episode courtesy of being off my testosterone supplement for a month and a half (dropping my T levels from high-normal to 50% of the threshold for being considered hypogonadic, and damn near as low as i was when i started t-replacement therapy four years ago) compounded by my mom's unexpected passing and the stress and intermittent sadness of dealing with that.

(gratuitous icon use, because of course i would) :)

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Not that it's cool you have to deal with it, but it's pretty interesting that I know a few people with this issue.

[seascribe.livejournal.com]

That is a really interesting variant of depression that is new to me. The "lazy Sunday" line feels like the fatigue issues I've been dealing with lately, I wonder if I should pursue that, and maybe the supplement you mentioned. Thanks for sharing all this health stuff you dig up, I definitely don't hear it anywhere else.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

You don't know how much it pleases me to know I might be helping other people with all my rambly health reports. I feel like it gets repetitive and dull, but if I can help someone once in a while, that's fantastic!

[splix.livejournal.com]

There's so much we don't know about the mind, and the mind-body connection, but it probably feels fantastic to have something click like that, and to have a doctor who is willing to experiment within reasonable means.

Fuck menstrual cramps sideways. >:(

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

And to have a doctor who listens and is interested in further educating himself! When we were talking about what was left to tweak on my diet, he recommended cutting out white potatoes. I told him I'd only reintroduced those because of things I'd read about women with endocrine issues needing more starch to assist the body with T4 conversion and he was very interested and asked me to send him articles so he could read up on that. !!!!

[ceanncait.livejournal.com]

YES!! Not only have I heard of this type of depression, I suffer from it regularly. It's more common than you'd think, especially among highly intelligent people (so says my shrink). It's fucking insidious because it's way easy to convince yourself that you're just a lazy and unmotivated person when that's not at all the case. Cognitive behavioral therapy and/or medication can really help with it. I lean towards the side of therapy (although I do both) because it teaches you how to cope.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking about talking to someone who does therapy and mindfulness work in regards to my anger stuff, so I'll be sure to bring this up, too!