Clever Manka is dressed and undressed

Guardian/adjacent:
Fanart: Veiled. Winter. Hey, gorgeous.
I don't think I've see a screenshot of this with Shen Wei's eyes closed.
Luo Fei gets taken down.
I really miss this hair, y'all. Up close and personal with some leather shoulder straps and D-rings.
Qik made Bai Yu's new song available on Soundcloud!

Dunno who might follow Kpop stuff on Twitter and Insta, but apparently you might wanna look into turning off autoplay.

I think my steadily declining mood from last week's (ha) high of "a strong 2" might be caused by my increasing tolerance. I'm pretty conscientious with how much I smoke (mostly because $$$) and I haven't been getting the relief I'm used to. So I'm (ughhhhhhhh) quitting through the end of the month. I might be kinda quiet for a while here because I know this is gonna be rough and I don't want to stress anyone with my doom and gloom. Or who knows, I might need the interaction to keep from getting completely lost in a hell spiral. *shrug* Hard to say.

Wish me luck, y'all. 😂 I usually do this a few times a year (I like being a lightweight, it's so much cheaper), but never under such spectacularly shitty circumstances. I'll still be linking to the pretty on Twitter at least every other day and I know I'll be on Tumblr.

Also, thanks to naye and kimboo_york  I made some notes for yet another AU to my bunny farm.

Twitter:
Eyes and mouth wide open--a Very Good Look on Zhao Yunlan.
Fanart! Cute snowy scene. Domestic kisses.
Shen Wei gifs. That's all.
I will never tire of this behind the scenes shot of Shen Wei's hands on Zhao Yunlan's hips. With the shoulder holster. And the jacket dropping off his shoulders. And his hands on Shen Wei's chest. And how close their faces are.

So glad someone screencapped the Wikipedia page for the U.S. Senate on Friday. Between that, Brexit, and a migraine, my birthday wasn't a particularly great one for the records. Very glad I waited to start posting Ghost Story as a gift to myself or my 50th would've been very disappointing.

The dsvirtualbar is hosting an Anti-Brexit Kink Meme if you want to throw something out over there. Mostly charmingly soft kinks for the most part which is, I suppose, to be expected for dS but still...

I got fuck-all written this week (no snippet tomorrow). I don't know where my inspiration or my motivation went, but I haven't seen either in several days. If only I had the energy to do art instead, but I barely have it in me to read new fic at the mo'. *sigh* I'm trying not to get nervous, keep telling myself it's just fatigue brain. This isn't a major setback (can't be, I can't face that). It'll pass, it'll pass.

It'll pass if I don't make bad choices like I did today, that is. Went downtown for lunch and a show at the art house movie theater but I misread the start time, so we missed the showing by an hour and a half. /o\ It was a nice day, so we walked around downtown for a few blocks until I started getting tired. On the way back to the car, I got tired-er and tired-er-er and I really shoulda had mckitterick get the car while I waited on a bench but my outfit looked so good and I kept going until we were barely shuffling along and now I'm dead on the couch for probably another two days.

I know better. I know better. Not clever, Manka. Not clever at all. But it was such a pretty day. But I looked so good. But I was feeling sorry for myself over yesterday's canceled plans and wanted to move. But! But but but. blargh.

Are there any Shakespeare fans around here? If yes, and you've seen the David Tennant Hamlet, this is a fantastic fanvid for it. Thank you, hexenmeister , for putting this as one of your Festivids requests because What A Gift.

ETA:  Oh, oh!  I'm maybe starting a selfie project on Instagram? I'm super lazy and have zero interest in taking photos, much less photos of myself, so this is gonna be slapdash--No Filters, No Second Takes bc I  just do not give a shit what I look like anymore. The last selfie project I did was in 2011 and I didn't even have a cameraphone, so ... yeah. No promises, no expectations, tho. I might decide fuck this after two weeks. 

Discovered on Monday that 30 minutes at anything other than minimum resistance on the stationary bike is too much. Got home feeling mostly okay, but halfway through a bowl of soup I got hit with the Fatigue Bat and wound up sleeping for an hour and a half. *sigh* So Tuesday I didn't gym, but I did 90 minutes of deep tissue work a friend who's going through some shit. It's still early so I'm going to see how I feel after the sun comes up before I make the decision to gym today.

I don't enjoy being reminded that recovery is not linear, and for some problems it's only over when everything else is. =\

Writing is going better now, but I had a rough time this weekend. Everything was a fuckin' slog. Even the actual fuckin'  was more of an exercise in (my) stamina than an indulgence. I'm itching to start Canadian Shack, and fanart like this Is Not Helping.

Speaking of fic, fan responses to the AO3 Hugo continue to be fantastic.
I am done with listening to gatekeeping men who want to put lines around our creativity, who want to declare that while yes, two authors can both win for "best novella" and a team of 6 can win a "best fanzine" or "best podcast" award, a team of a million can't possibly win the "best related work" award.

I have such a smoking kink, y'all. Have some Bai Yu as Detective L pushing A LOT of my buttons. 

If you don't already subscribe to R. Eric Thomas's newsletter, I highly recommend it. This week's made me seriously and for real laugh out loud more than once.

Literal. Ice. Knives. Thanks, naye ! Speaking of OUCH, frith_in_thorns  has a great h/c conversation on their DW that focuses on the hurt aspect. It's not Guardian-specific, so for those (few) of you not in the fandom can still appreciate the discussion. That said, if you, too, are in the Hurts So Pretty camp, I can't recommend the show enough.

Wishing (for several reasons) that there was any hope I could finish Ghost Story this month to fulfill October's theme of Full Moons, Hauntings, and Harvests at brush_and_lantern . I started it August 20, and the only days I haven't written something were August 28 and 29 for a current total of 50,042 words. That's (I think--math is not my strong suit and tbh my ability to count reliably above fourteen is questionable), twenty-nine days of writing, with an average of 1,725 words a day. So in theory I could finish writing it (I'm just over halfway through the story's nine-month timeline) but let's get real, I do have something of a life to live, minimal though it be, and I wouldn't ever expect a beta to get through this monster before the 31st. Kinda fun to think about, though!

A less expensive version of this happened in every. single. restaurant (oh, except for the pizzaria in Venice) we went to in Italy (back in 2007). We eventually stopped eating in actual restaurants and stuck to taking advantage of bars that served food (which was usually better and less expensive).

ETA: just saw on sid_guardian  that Guardian is good to go for Yuletide and it frustrates me that this might be the only time I can participate (I'm rarely this involved in a fandom, much less a small one) and I don't think I can because of energy resources. I'm still waffling on signing up for due South Sekrit Santa, even. /o\

Mommy saw AvenueX's Shen Wei-Zhao Yunlan-Da Qing sticker on my laptop (one of only two stickers on it, the other being a Toothless sticker that I attached the day I got it in, like, 2012) and said "so are those the characters in that Chinese show you watched?" I said yes and the conversation moved on to general life stuff, where I mentioned Con*Strict and how it's mostly fic writers who attend. That prompted the question "Are you writing fanfic now?" and while I omit vast details of my life with my parents, I avoid outright lies so I said "yep" (in the same tone I used when she asked if I'd ever smoked weed HA HA HA HA HA) and she let the subject drop.

Nearly fifty years and my mother has finally accepted the mentality of "don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer for." 

This afternoon we're driving to West Layfayette to visit my uncle (her brother--Daddy's an only child like me). I'm not sure if I'm going to offer to drive. Their vehicle is much larger than I'm comfortable driving but Daddy's driving (they're 72 and his vision has always been awful) terrifies me. He might not be able to go, though, so... *fingers crossed*

It was good to see folks at Con*Strict. I wanted to choke the life out of only one person, so that's a win. And I didn't get sick once from anything I ate, another win. And I was high as fuck most of the time so trifecta of success, there!

I was high enough (and also very tired by Saturday night) that I completely failed at a game we played where you had five seconds to name three things requested on a card (the instructions example was "Name three bodily fluids"). Y'all, I was hilariously terrible at it and I'm usually quick on my feet with words/comebacks. Drugs are bad, kids! Don't use them until your brain is fully developed! 

Seriously, though, I think the only time I wasn't stoned was between 4:30a (which was when I woke up both mornings) and 9am when the con room opened. It was fantastic. I might not be as clever when I'm high but I'm pretty sure I'm nicer. Which is good when I'm in a group of mostly-strangers.

Nearly 4k words into my first-time fic and the guys finally got their clothes off but are still taking forever to get down to business which is not how I want this fic to go so I'm gonna try to fix that today. I didn't write as much over the weekend as I'd hoped because apparently it's difficult for me to write people getting it on while I'm typing in a crowded room? Who knew that would be a problem (ha)? I did manage to get Shen Wei's trousers open while sitting next to a woman watching Fox News on the plane out, though.

I plan on talking with as few people as possible today. I suppose I'll make breakfast for mckitterick when he wakes up but other than that, it's internet interactions only until tomorrow.

ETA: Oh, also, excellent decision past-me, for choosing to leave on Sunday and not changing my plans at the last minute because I was so worn out I was probably not entirely safe to drive by the time I got back home (and yes I was 100% sober by the time our plane touched down). The highway driving was okay but I had A Situation at a four-way stop when I got back to Lawrence that could've gone poorly if the other person hadn't been paying attention. So, so tired.

Last week was my Week of Not Doing Shit with grand plans to start All The Things this week. Morning exercise, writing time, and various remaining things about the house since detritus of my office move-out is still in residence in our living room.

Thanks to an absolutely terrible night's sleep (awake from a little before 2am until a bit after 4:30), productivity did not begin today. I managed to hang stuff up in my project room (which serves as craft/sewing/yoga and soon-to-be writing space) and that wiped me out.

The appliance repairperson came today only to discover (for himself) that the problem isn't the control board, it's the motor. Which I told them. Twice. During the three god damned weeks we waited for the (unnecessary) board.

Repairperson tried to make me feel better by explaining that they wanted to try the cheaper option first but I just blinked and sent "four weeks without a functioning dryer" irritation vibes at him.

There is some sort of issue (I got the impression of a family emergency) with Dr. Sexy's office so my ozone treatments are on hold until next week. I think the treatment is already having results even though I'm not feeling different yet. On Saturday  mckitterick  said my breath smells weird (always a welcome observation, thanks hon) which I'm assuming is die-off since I brushed my teeth right before we started kissing and we had the exact same thing for lunch.

I'm having some emotional/psychological blowback from the job loss. Finally, I guess? It's not what woke me, but as I came into consciousness I was flooded with adrenaline from anxiety and despair at Not Having An Income. It was similar to the waking panics I had after the 2016 U.S. election only on a micro- instead of macro-level. Both are shitty and I would like to stop experiencing them, please. At least not having a job meant I was able to sleep in until 8:30 but I'm still groggy and heavy-hearted, even well into late afternoon. I made mckitterick promise that he wouldn't resent having to support me (and my bad breath) for the foreseeable future. I might have made him repeat it twice because things you say three times are true.

Relying on other people is not one of my strong suits. Like, really really not my thing. I would rather deal with the lack of something than rely on someone else to provide it. My commitment issues, let me show you them.

I want to dance these feelings out. It's been a long time since I felt like doing that and even longer since I was able to do so. Soon, hopefully. Soon.

Back in my frivolous days of youth, I had a particular affection for this little thing called an ECA stack. Being a frugal DIY-er, I made my own with ephedrine tabs (I preferred Mini Thins, but would also use Truckers Luv IT brand), No-Doz, and baby aspirin. One tablet of each in the morning after a particularly late (or rough) night and I was good for the day. Alert, focused, and happy. No shakes, no jitters, no headache-nausea from multiple cups of coffee...ECA stacks were the shit. Then of course, ephedrine became illegal and the replacement (I can't remember its name) wasn't the same. I haven't taken an ECA stack in over a decade.

Well.

Last night was bad. Real bad. Between the coughing (still) and the itching from these fucking mite bites (worse), I got maybe three hours of cumulative sleep last night. I felt horrible. Just wretched. I should note, I went to bed at 9:00 last night because I was so tired from walking back and forth to the union twice yesterday for meetings. This morning I could barely climb the stairs to wake up mckitterick to ask him to give me a ride up to campus. No way I could call in sick, since the other secretary is out.

Before we left, I rooted around in our medications drawer for an Emergen-C packet. I saw a bottle of this stuff that I bought mckitterick ages ago. There was still one tablet left and I thought Well Why Not. I brought it to work with me, popped it in my tea mug full of water and drank it first thing when I got here.

Holy Fucking Shit y'all. Z-I-N-G! Energy and euphoria just like what I remember from my ECA stacks. I am happy! I am motivated! I am looking at my to-do list for today and thinking Hooray! Filing! My Favorite! (I actually do love filing, but it's a weirdly exhausting task when one is chronically tired and brain-foggy.) I'm looking around my office and there is just not enough here for me to do. I can tell I'm not going to be content paging through screen after screen of Tumblr. I want to be making things, talking about things, doing things. I want to go to the gym!

I feel so damn good. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this basically...great. I mean, it's Friday, and that helps, but you guys I could barely string together a sentence when I left the house and now I've cheerfully helped two people with the copier, chatted with someone about art projects, answered all my work email, gossiped with someone about her weekend plans, and just generally been Let's Do Today, Folks! on three hours of sleep. While itchy. And still coughing/stuffy. I feel like a normal person. A normal, happy person. This is amazing.

It's gonna be difficult not to take one of these things every day.

So yesterday I made some questionable fucking awesome life choices that included eating nothing all day but a spoonful of almond butter and some plantain chips and drinking five(ish?) Bloody Marys. Of course I ate the pickled vegetables (one pickled okra and one olive) in each drink. I mean of course.

Adulthood: DOING IT RIGHT.

Also yesterday I figured out what I'm wearing to the department holiday party that doesn't involve me making a new skirt (hurray!) but I do need to accessorize so it's a little more dressy. Pics tomorrow.

I started working on 2014's planner, and I saw The Hobbit 2: Molten Boogaloo Desolation of Smaug and I went grocery shopping and I did food prep for two of the three meals for the week and all of that was in the slight haze of tipsiness so it was all good. And I feel pretty much okay today except I'm starving and I have a bit of a headache but I think the headache is mostly just because I'm hungry. I have another fifteen minutes before I can eat (must take thyroid meds on an empty stomach and not eat for an hour afterward).

Andrew had to cancel today's session which is a little disappointing but probably for the best since I don't think my energy or stamina would be super great today. I need to pick an old workout from last month (or before) for this week. Should I pick one that focuses on arms or legs... arms or legs... DECISIONS.

Oh, and no, I didn't like the movie, but I didn't like the first one, either, so I wasn't surprised or disappointed. This one was pretty enough, but needed more Martin Freeman. A plot wouldn't have gone unappreciated, either.

The Toast has an entire day (today) devoted to essays about V.C. Andrews books. LOVE IT. Yes, I totally read these as a teen. Secretly. With relish. My parents still don't know. Although I'm not entirely certain they'd even know who she is/was. But I am positive they wouldn't have approved. Flowers In the Attic and my seventh-grade best friend's mom's Harlequin Romance collection were my introduction to reading porn. I was twelve years old. THIRTY-ONE YEARS OF PORN READING Y'ALL.



Speaking of fuck yeahs and Freddie Mercury, I am so buying this tee shirt. Oh hell yes.

Today's Tumblr collection is: Tuesday, August 13: Cars.