Wednesday Update

[clevermanka]

It's becoming very clear that I am Really Actually Very Terrible at making myself do things right now. I don't know what happened to my motivation over the past, um...ten years? however long it's been since I've had energy to do much of anything except survive and y'all, things are bad.

I have tried (gods have I tried) to work on my resume/job stuff so I can at least perform job-hunting for the unemployment check but even that is more than I can manage right now. Monday was a real low point. I was morose and unhappy all damn day and I just....ughhhhhhhhhh I don't know what's wrong and I certainly don't know what to do about it and all I want to think about is pretty boys being in love (and breaking my heart).

The one productive thing I have managed to do is get about a third of the way through the Guardian fic I'm remixing. So that's psychologically and emotionally rewarding but isn't helping me actually, you know, arrange my life.

I was hoping to use the month of June to Get Myself On A Schedule (mckitterick started his summer writing workshops on Monday and is largely absent for the rest of the month) but it's halfway through his first week of workshops and I've, uh...gone on two walks and various other piddly things. I'm in my third week of unemployment, y'all. This is not a good trend but thinking about pushing myself any harder makes me actually start to cry and we all know how I feel about crying, so...

Comments

[teaotter]

*hugs*

The few times I've had to put myself on a self-determined schedule, I have generally failed badly for a while before it got better. I can talk about what helped me, if you want suggestions.

But it's also perfectly normal to have emotions and need to deal with them, too.

[clevermanka]

*sigh*

Yes, people on my blog are also telling me that these things take time. God, I really hate emotions.

[teaotter]

God, I really hate emotions.

They're always so disruptive.

[islenskr]

Getting back on the "find a job" train is haaaarrrd. So is getting yourself on a schedule. Maybe you just need a break? It seems like you might need one. When I left my last job (which I hated, so it could be a different animal completely), I took a month off and did whatever the hell I felt like. I slept a LOT. And after that month, I felt so much better. (But I did have another job lined up, so.) :/

I hope you feel better soon!!

[clevermanka]

The grand plan is to take a year or so off to (try to) finally get my health in a stable place. Not planning on finding a job in the near future is one of the things that's actually making this harder, I think.

Thank you. I hope I feel better soon, too!

[splix]

Maybe if you gave yourself the freedom to not even think about looking for something for the next few weeks [til July, or maybe even after Con*Strict?] the pressure wouldn't feel so intense? That may not work for your budget, though, so ignore if you don't think it's a viable option.

I'm glad the fic is progressing well. I dunno, creativity can expand itself outward and give you a mental recharge. I think it's a good thing that you're doing it!

[clevermanka]

I want/need a year or so off so I'm not looking for a job, which (thank dogs) I can afford to do. I just feel so ... unbalanced? adrift? something...without employment. Someone on cm.net pointed out That's Just Capitalism Talking so I'm trying to shed that mentality. It's just so harddddddddd.

I mentioned to write_out in an email that I'm so annoyed with myself for not writing my first fic in a fandom that either of you could help with. Grump.

[splix]

Oh, I know, context is so important in beta'ing. I hope you can find someone solid to help!

Ahh, I must have missed the part about a year off. Well, you're only a couple of weeks in, I'm sure it's going to be bumpy at first. Hang in there!

[clevermanka]

I don't know that I've mentioned taking a year off, so you might've not missed it so much as, you know, me not talking about it because it still doesn't feel real.

[jo_lasalle]

You had a pretty dramatic and traumatic upheaval. I'd say cut yourself some slack on not making all your plan happen according to some ideal schedule. <3

Getting stuff done is good. But so is not putting yourself under so much pressure it'll make you morose. And in my humble but based-on-some-experience-with-shitty-unemployment opinion, doing things that are psychologically and emotionally rewarding is actually really important especially when there are soul-sucking tasks you can't really get around coming up.

[clevermanka]

Thank you so much for saying this. I guess part of me knows this? But another part of me is (unhelpfully) all BOOTSTRAPS, BITCH and I just...*flaps hands* can't.

Perfect screenshot is perfect. <3 <3 <3

[galaxysoup]

Forcing yourself to do things is harrrrd. D: I agree with everyone on here who says to cut yourself some slack, if you can - there's no shame in taking some time to regroup and reorient.

*hugs*

[clevermanka]

Thank you so much for the reassurance. Intellectually I suppose I understand this, but emotionally...well, emotions have never been my strong suit so it shouldn't surprise me that I'm feeling at such a loss as to why I can't just Get A Move On, Already.

Thank you for the hugs!

[asya_ana]

I admire your sense of duty! But I think you can take some time off from thinking about all this and trying to be productive. Maybe do a hands-on skill that's makes you feel useful but is also fun for you (for me that would be cooking) and enjoy reading some fic. After all, this is probably a mourning period you're going through, in a way. Good luck and sending cuddles! <3

[clevermanka]

I really am embarrassingly duty-minded sometimes (also I like rules and regulations--there is Good Reason I grok Shen Wei so hard).

Thinking back to when I was doing food prep over the weekend and then my afternoon spent working in my sketchbook and you're right--doing something with my hands helps a lot. I just hadn't made the connection.

Someone on cm.net pointed out the grieving thing, too. It hadn't occurred to me, but yeah, this was an eighteen-year relationship that just ended against my wishes. So...yeah, a mourning period is not only unsurprising, but necessary.

Thank you for the helpful words and the cuddles!

[rheasilvia]

Like the other commenters, I would advise you to rest and pamper yourself for a bit to let yourself recover. You've been under a tremendous amount of stress, and very unpleasant things have happened; under the circumstances it would be surprising if you *didn't* fall into some kind of emotional hole for a little bit. Not pleasant, but also not a bad thing, if inconvenient. (Not having emotions is a far larger inconvenience, though. ;-) )

That said, if your sadness/tiredness/lack of energy is very bad, or of it takes a very long time to pass, it might also be burnout. So keep an eye on that. But right now I really wouldn't worry!!

[clevermanka]

This is super helpful, thank you! Everyone is being so kind and supportive and I appreciate it very much.

[khellekson]

Love the dog/blanket GIF!

Take the time you need. You have to mourn the loss of the old job before you can move on to the new. You are safe and cared for, so let yourself be coddled while you recover.

[clevermanka]

[seascribble]

<3
You deserve a break to fangirl about the pretty boys, you've been through it.

[clevermanka]

Thank you, bb. I'm trying to go a little easier on myself. I am not very good at that. =/

[mekare]

What they said. Take it easy, enjoy wallowing in the pretty boys (and I’d second that tip about doing manual stuff, it often helps to take me out of my head.)

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

[clevermanka]

I was thinking I'd get the first draft of this fic done before I started doing more visual art stuff but you're right about manual stuff. Putting my hands in some glue and paint helped me ground in ways that writing didn't.

[anarfea]

I'm sorry. This really sucks. Have you considered seeing a therapist/going on antidepressants? Because it sounds like you're depressed right now, and that might help.

[clevermanka]

I tried therapy last year but apparently(?) nobody in this damn town does cognitive behavioral therapy. And since I don't need talk therapy (I know what are my issues, I just need tools to deal with them), it was kind of a waste.

I'm sure I'm depressed, and probably have been mildly so for a few years. Anti-depressants helped for a little while, but haven't for a while. I'm hoping psychological recovery from the layoff is the last big hurdle before my body starts its final stretch in the healing process. I feel like once my brain and body are back on track (even if it's a rough, unpaved one), I'll be able to deal with funks like this in a more productive fashion. Just gotta get through this last leg.

Thank you for your thoughtful advice and sympathy!

[roseconnelly]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/linda-hoopes-lawrence-ks/64386

She was our couples one that recognized that my ex needed a psychiatrist and not couples counseling and kept me on as we were getting divorced.

She does and was very solution focused with couples counseling. I did like working with her.

[clevermanka]

What the hell, why did the woman I saw give me bad info about therapists in town? NOT COOL LADY. Thanks for the name and link. If I can't shake this in a reasonable amount of time I'll set up an appointment.

[roseconnelly]

If you decide you do want something to do for income while you are taking the year to recover and have the energy to do it, I'd pay you for doing meal prep for me and the kids occasionally. Pretty much what you would eat, I would eat, so if you are meal prepping anyhow and want to just prep a little more for a bit of cash for your effort/supplies, this is an option.

Because my 12 hour work days, single parent, only adult to take care of my house life is exhausting me and healthy meal cooking is going by the wayside a bit.

ETA: And, situational depression is a thing -- constant health problems that reduce your quality of life and unwanted job loss that has nothing to do with your performance, especially for one that you've been at for so long without any adequate compensation (AKA -- a decent severance rather than a thank-you banquet, social media post and a BTW, get out send off) would certainly be reasonable situational depression triggers.

[clevermanka]

I will definitely keep that in mind, thank you! I wouldn't be able to start until after July since I'm not even doing my own food prep while mckitterick is in workshop month and then I'm traveling a bit in July, but after that, yes, let's talk.

[roseconnelly]

That's perfect because it won't be super beneficial to me until school starts again mid-August. The kids can cook for the summer since they are home during the day and we don't schedule tons of summer activities just to have a break. Jay is surprisingly good at it too.

[clevermanka]

Excellent! Let's talk in early August!

[saffronhare]

I'm late to this thread, per usual, but -- recovery IS WORK. Like, that IS the work you're doing now. It takes bandwidth or spoons or however you frame it in your mind. The places that *seem* empty to the outer eye are really important. Please let me know if I should stack more metaphors on your plate.

[clevermanka]

Mmmm, yes, delicious stacks of metaphor pancakes!

I'm still trying to convince myself that it's okay, I'm not actually slacking off, so I do appreciate the reminders. Thank you for coming in late. The timing is much appreciated.