clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2015-04-29 11:25 am
clevermanka) wrote2015-04-29 11:25 am
Entry tags:
Inner Space
Oh, friends, I have so much going on in my head right now, but I also have a lot going on in my body and unfortunately that means I don't have a lot of energy to talk about the interesting psychological insights.
I showed Dr. Jonah my startlingly swollen belly last night and he was pretty amazed/horrified but also pleased that we might have a reason for it because apparently the new supplement (GX Assist) is to fight Candida/yeast overgrowth and it's a good bet that my outrageous swelling is die-off. Armed with that information, I'm taking the GX Assist in the evening, now. Because fuck if I don't have to go through the whole day with that much bloat. Still woke up a bit swollen this morning, and I expect that will continue for a few more days. But at least I'm a bit more informed now.
This afternoon I meet with Tim the MovNat guy. After that, I have a date to chat with a friend in KC about stuff. Even though we're not coming from the same place, she's going through some similar stages of emotional crossroads. Trying to figure out how to be open in an unsafe world that doesn't deserve full access to our feelings, how to alter the inner aspects of ourselves that we actually like but that are hindering us physically (for example, my tight hips and emotional unavailability).
Related to that, and something I'll be taking with me to that conversation is a sentence from a post by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ms_danson: I was parenting my inner child the same way my parents raised me. Now, I have no major complaints about the way my parents raised me. They did a great job with making me independent and confident. Perhaps in some ways, a better job than they meant to, considering how I've abandoned their religion and some other things they value. But we never discussed emotions or feelings, and gaining the language to understand and convey those things was something I had to learn in my 30s in order to navigate/save/develop my relationship with mckitterick (and it was a crash course, let me tell you). And while I don't think I really have much of an inner child (my mother said I was born 40 years old and I believe her), I think there's something there that's flailing and unsafe. I want and need to address that because I think it's having an effect on my physical state.
In the five minutes my friend and I talked about this yesterday, just agreeing that yeah we needed to talk, I started to get a bit tight in the throat--that almost-could-be-tears state. And it wasn't just sad. It was mostly frustration and anger that this shit has been hanging on for so long and I just want to start working on resolving it. Because hippy-dippy shit or no, I more and more feel like a lot of it is what's triggering my hip mobility issues.
Just google "hip mobility emotions" and you'll get a slew of articles talking about that. Five years ago I would've rolled my eyes, but now? I (literally) feel there's something to it, and it's crucial. And what is my overall goal for myself? To be healthy. Best way to be healthy? Eat and move in a way my body likes. What way does my body like to move? It likes to lift heavy things. What do I need to lift heavy things? I need better hip mobility. Now, I've been working on my hip mobility on and off since my first CrossFit class on March 20, 2012. Guess how much permanent progress I've made? ZERO. None. No permanent, lasting progress. Even when I'm consistently doing hip mobility work (two or three times a week for two or more months in a row), I start a session in the exact same place I was in 2012. Sure, I loosen up easier, but my overall starting mobility hasn't changed. There's something else going on there, and I don't see how it can be purely physiological.
So, yeah, time for more Emotional Growth. My favorite!
I hope that I'll have the energy to write about our conversation. I'll take notes just in case I can't write it down this week, though.
I mentioned tomckitterick that one of the things I miss most about my old self was my Morning Person-ness. I remember waking up (often without an alarm) in time for a 6am CrossFit session and being all wooo fuck yeah CrossFit time. It's been easily more than a year since I woke up like that--rested, and excited to move. As I waited for him to come downstairs to give me a ride to campus (because just walking up to campus sets me back for the entire day, energy-wise), I sat down on the couch and realized I am now one of those people who doesn't turn on until close to 10am, or after I've had a cup of tea, or sometimes both. And it's not just dreading the workday. I feel like that on the weekends, too. It's a bummer.
Very much hoping for progress. I have a plan, I have support, I have guidance. I just hope we're on the right track this time.
I showed Dr. Jonah my startlingly swollen belly last night and he was pretty amazed/horrified but also pleased that we might have a reason for it because apparently the new supplement (GX Assist) is to fight Candida/yeast overgrowth and it's a good bet that my outrageous swelling is die-off. Armed with that information, I'm taking the GX Assist in the evening, now. Because fuck if I don't have to go through the whole day with that much bloat. Still woke up a bit swollen this morning, and I expect that will continue for a few more days. But at least I'm a bit more informed now.
This afternoon I meet with Tim the MovNat guy. After that, I have a date to chat with a friend in KC about stuff. Even though we're not coming from the same place, she's going through some similar stages of emotional crossroads. Trying to figure out how to be open in an unsafe world that doesn't deserve full access to our feelings, how to alter the inner aspects of ourselves that we actually like but that are hindering us physically (for example, my tight hips and emotional unavailability).
Related to that, and something I'll be taking with me to that conversation is a sentence from a post by
ms_danson: I was parenting my inner child the same way my parents raised me. Now, I have no major complaints about the way my parents raised me. They did a great job with making me independent and confident. Perhaps in some ways, a better job than they meant to, considering how I've abandoned their religion and some other things they value. But we never discussed emotions or feelings, and gaining the language to understand and convey those things was something I had to learn in my 30s in order to navigate/save/develop my relationship with mckitterick (and it was a crash course, let me tell you). And while I don't think I really have much of an inner child (my mother said I was born 40 years old and I believe her), I think there's something there that's flailing and unsafe. I want and need to address that because I think it's having an effect on my physical state.In the five minutes my friend and I talked about this yesterday, just agreeing that yeah we needed to talk, I started to get a bit tight in the throat--that almost-could-be-tears state. And it wasn't just sad. It was mostly frustration and anger that this shit has been hanging on for so long and I just want to start working on resolving it. Because hippy-dippy shit or no, I more and more feel like a lot of it is what's triggering my hip mobility issues.
Just google "hip mobility emotions" and you'll get a slew of articles talking about that. Five years ago I would've rolled my eyes, but now? I (literally) feel there's something to it, and it's crucial. And what is my overall goal for myself? To be healthy. Best way to be healthy? Eat and move in a way my body likes. What way does my body like to move? It likes to lift heavy things. What do I need to lift heavy things? I need better hip mobility. Now, I've been working on my hip mobility on and off since my first CrossFit class on March 20, 2012. Guess how much permanent progress I've made? ZERO. None. No permanent, lasting progress. Even when I'm consistently doing hip mobility work (two or three times a week for two or more months in a row), I start a session in the exact same place I was in 2012. Sure, I loosen up easier, but my overall starting mobility hasn't changed. There's something else going on there, and I don't see how it can be purely physiological.
So, yeah, time for more Emotional Growth. My favorite!
I hope that I'll have the energy to write about our conversation. I'll take notes just in case I can't write it down this week, though.
I mentioned to
mckitterick that one of the things I miss most about my old self was my Morning Person-ness. I remember waking up (often without an alarm) in time for a 6am CrossFit session and being all wooo fuck yeah CrossFit time. It's been easily more than a year since I woke up like that--rested, and excited to move. As I waited for him to come downstairs to give me a ride to campus (because just walking up to campus sets me back for the entire day, energy-wise), I sat down on the couch and realized I am now one of those people who doesn't turn on until close to 10am, or after I've had a cup of tea, or sometimes both. And it's not just dreading the workday. I feel like that on the weekends, too. It's a bummer. Very much hoping for progress. I have a plan, I have support, I have guidance. I just hope we're on the right track this time.
no subject
no subject
no subject
I had a guided meditation that one of our dance icons tried out with me and it got rid of a painful/frozen shoulder she had no idea was holding her back.
no subject
Maybe next week or the week after (omg what even is my schedule) we can get together for a hot tub evening?
no subject
Jbird is working this Sat until 2:30, and I'm mostly free on Mon and Wed evenings.
no subject
What a powerful concept/realization! Not that I did or do this. If I had, I'd be dead, I suspect. I was a much better parent in that regard, thank feck.
Still. Wow. WOW.
And I hope the physical issues resolve themselves okay. By which I mean, I hope everything comes okay. *snerk*
no subject
no subject
(I should probably get a therapist.)
Speaking of therapists: every yoga teacher and massage therapist has seen someone start crying out of seemingly nowhere because bodywork brought out an emotional issue. I used to think it was bullshit too, and I don't anymore. I mean, I've met the people who think all body issues are emotional in origin (no, my shoulder hurts because the cash register I worked at for five years wasn't built for short people), and that's bullshit, but SOME body issues are emotional, of course they are.
I have a friend who is a six foot tall woman. When she's talking to someone she's comfortable with, when she's expressing something she's confident about, she stands up straight and tall, her gestures are expansive, she laughs until she snorts. (I love that.) She takes up space.
When she's around people that make her anxious or unhappy, when she doesn't feel able to express herself, she literally hunches over and curls in on herself. Her hands only move in front of her. She doesn't laugh as freely. She makes herself smaller.
It would make total sense to me that if she was in anxious-making situations too often, if she hunched long enough to cause pain, that if she was having bodywork done to help her not be hunched over and curled up, that it would remind her of being anxious and uncomfortable, and that she wouldn't be able to stand big and tall until she also felt happier in her own skin more often.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
(interesting about the candida overgrowth and the supplement--it is a constant amazement to me in the hospital how stuff that's everywhere on our bodies can fuck shit up if things get a little out of whack)
It's encouraging to me that you were still learning the language for discussing and understanding emotions well into adulthood; things are rocky for me on the emotional/relationship front right now, and knowing that there IS growth that can continue to happen there is hope-making.
no subject
I respect and admire you so much for work-work-working at your emotional life while you're also dealing with grad school crap. You are a fucking rock star.