How to sing the blues

[clevermanka]

Another good one that I found in my old saved emails.
How to Sing the Blues (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman--with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pound.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:

violet

beige

mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:

the highway

the jailhouse

the empty bed
Bad places:

Ashrams

Gallery openings

weekend in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:

your first name is a southern state-like Georgia

you're blind

you shot a man in Memphis.

you can't be satisfied.
No, if:

you were once blind but now can see.

you're deaf

you have a trust fund.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:

wine

Irish whiskey

muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:

Any mixed drink

Any wine kosher for Passover

Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16. Some Blues names for Women

Sadie

Big Mama

Bessie
17. Some Blues Names for Men

Joe

Willie

Little Willie

Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17b. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)

Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)

First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)

Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)


The house is full of paint fumes, and that makes me headachey and irritable. Apologies to anyone I might snap at in the next couple days. Unless you deserve it.

One of our lecturers has spent the last ten minutes in my office talking to my officemate about moving her plants inside tonight and her house isn't ready for it yet. She's describing every single plant and where she's going to put it. As if that conversation wasn't entrancing enough, she's a heavy smoker and the smell is starting to make my already swollen nasal passages close up. So 'scuse me, I have to flee to the other office now. Jesus Christ woman, I don't care about your fucking Airplane Plant!!!