clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2020-04-22 10:42 am
clevermanka) wrote2020-04-22 10:42 am
Entry tags:
Wednesday Update
Today is the 50th anniversary of Earth Day. 1970--quite the year for being born I guess!
Guardian/adjacent:
More bts beauty. A translation of the shooting day info.
Fanart: Pastel chibi Zhubai.
Does Zhu Yilong really not realize how beautiful he is?
Untamed/adjacent:
WWX and LWJ then and now.
A Softer World remixes.
One for y'all Liu Hia Kuan and Zhu Zan Jin RPFers.
Sixteen consecutive days of Spanish! Trying not to pay too much attention to that, though, since it's inevitable I'll miss a day at some point. I'm having the worst time with ese/este (that/this). I don't remember struggling with them before. Starting to miss on other vocab (other than por/para and ese/este) and thinking it's time to start making flash cards (seriously, I honestly love flash card drilling). As a carrot, this posted to AO3 today and I can't even understand the first three sentences (got the summary, tho!), but I'm putting it in my "someday I swear" pile. Even though it apparently has Ye Zun in it. This is only the second Guardian fic in Spanish and the other one's a crossover that I'm not interested in. So I'm pretty excited.
Speaking of fic, I didn't anticipate being in isolation myself when I banished Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan to a Canadian Shack and I wonder if this is part of my problem with this fic. It's starting to feel a little claustrophobic which...works, I guess, but it makes it weird to write.
I'm working through some things and feeling--mmmmm. Not better but, idk, resigned? Like, get over it already, jesus. I half-jokingly mentioned to someone in email yesterday "I feel like every bad decision I've ever made in my life has put me here" and it's... I mean, I'm not saying all my problems are all my fault, but lbr, a lot of them (most of them) are the result of a highly enjoyable but ultimately poorly-planned youth. Boy was it fun, tho!
Anyway, all the wallowing and thinky-thinky the past couple of days (which have been Not Great Days gonna be honest) made me realize that dreaming about my future someday being better is just making my present worse. I don't mean this in an emo way. Just....It's the same revelation that I had when I finally internalized that I was never gonna recover from being chronically ill. Like, this was the rest of my life, now, and I had to live with that. So now it's a matter of learning to deal with the fact that *waves hand at everything* is my life now and I have to live with that. Not temporarily, not until things are some nebulous form of "better." Now. Gotta live with it now or every god damned day is gonna be a hell day and that's not survivable.
I'm not saying this particular isolation event will last forever, but I think it's not unlikely this sort of thing will happen again. I'm always going to be high-risk for communicable illnesses and since those risk factors only increase with age, I might be spending significant parts of the rest of my life in some sort of enforced seclusion. Facing now's better than facing it later!
So. We'll see how that goes.
Today I'm committed to cleaning the kitchen to some very loud music as soon as McKitterick leaves for a grocery run.
Guardian/adjacent:
More bts beauty. A translation of the shooting day info.
Fanart: Pastel chibi Zhubai.
Does Zhu Yilong really not realize how beautiful he is?
Untamed/adjacent:
WWX and LWJ then and now.
A Softer World remixes.
One for y'all Liu Hia Kuan and Zhu Zan Jin RPFers.
Sixteen consecutive days of Spanish! Trying not to pay too much attention to that, though, since it's inevitable I'll miss a day at some point. I'm having the worst time with ese/este (that/this). I don't remember struggling with them before. Starting to miss on other vocab (other than por/para and ese/este) and thinking it's time to start making flash cards (seriously, I honestly love flash card drilling). As a carrot, this posted to AO3 today and I can't even understand the first three sentences (got the summary, tho!), but I'm putting it in my "someday I swear" pile. Even though it apparently has Ye Zun in it. This is only the second Guardian fic in Spanish and the other one's a crossover that I'm not interested in. So I'm pretty excited.
Speaking of fic, I didn't anticipate being in isolation myself when I banished Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan to a Canadian Shack and I wonder if this is part of my problem with this fic. It's starting to feel a little claustrophobic which...works, I guess, but it makes it weird to write.
I'm working through some things and feeling--mmmmm. Not better but, idk, resigned? Like, get over it already, jesus. I half-jokingly mentioned to someone in email yesterday "I feel like every bad decision I've ever made in my life has put me here" and it's... I mean, I'm not saying all my problems are all my fault, but lbr, a lot of them (most of them) are the result of a highly enjoyable but ultimately poorly-planned youth. Boy was it fun, tho!
Anyway, all the wallowing and thinky-thinky the past couple of days (which have been Not Great Days gonna be honest) made me realize that dreaming about my future someday being better is just making my present worse. I don't mean this in an emo way. Just....It's the same revelation that I had when I finally internalized that I was never gonna recover from being chronically ill. Like, this was the rest of my life, now, and I had to live with that. So now it's a matter of learning to deal with the fact that *waves hand at everything* is my life now and I have to live with that. Not temporarily, not until things are some nebulous form of "better." Now. Gotta live with it now or every god damned day is gonna be a hell day and that's not survivable.
I'm not saying this particular isolation event will last forever, but I think it's not unlikely this sort of thing will happen again. I'm always going to be high-risk for communicable illnesses and since those risk factors only increase with age, I might be spending significant parts of the rest of my life in some sort of enforced seclusion. Facing now's better than facing it later!
So. We'll see how that goes.
Today I'm committed to cleaning the kitchen to some very loud music as soon as McKitterick leaves for a grocery run.