clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2003-10-22 10:26 am
clevermanka) wrote2003-10-22 10:26 am
Entry tags:
Soul Search Number 153
How much attention do you pay to your weight? Do you know how much you weigh today? How often do you weigh yourself? Do you panic if your weight travels too far in the "wrong" direction?
I pay a lot of attention to my weight, but even more attention to my measurements. Today, I weighed in at 165. I weigh myself every morning. I don't panic if I gain weight. Rather, I get angry at myself (if I know what caused the gain and it was stupid) or depressed (if I don't know what caused the gain).
Anyone who knows me knows that I am obsessed with my weight. Really. Obsessed. It started when I was a kid, about 2nd grade. I got so fat that my mother took me to a doctor to make sure I didn't have some sort of thyroid problem. It was bad. My parents were very strict about monitoring my food intake, but despite eating very little, I stayed fat until I was 15--despite eating as little as 800 calories a day as recorded in my 8th grade food diary.
When I was 15, the weight didn't really disappear (I might have lost about 10 pounds), so much as rearrange. Suddenly I had a waist! Until I went to college, I was 130 lbs and 34-24-36. Sigh, what a memory.
Of course I've had lots of ups and downs since then, and was in my best shape about 7-10 years ago when I was a fanatical gym bunny and incredibly careful about my eating habits. I really need to get back into that headspace as I'm now coming down off the peak of my highest weight ever--the result of a sedentary lifestyle and various health problems.
I'm sure lots of people think I'm a nutcase when it comes to my size, but it's something I've lived with for as long as I can remember (I don't remember life before I was 8) and I've watched my parents get heavier and heavier over the years. I know I don't want to fight off 100 pounds like my mother did a couple years ago. I'm having enough problems with these 30 pounds now.
I realize that I have food issues and weight issues. But I don't have many other neuroses and we all deserve at least a couple, yes?
I pay a lot of attention to my weight, but even more attention to my measurements. Today, I weighed in at 165. I weigh myself every morning. I don't panic if I gain weight. Rather, I get angry at myself (if I know what caused the gain and it was stupid) or depressed (if I don't know what caused the gain).
Anyone who knows me knows that I am obsessed with my weight. Really. Obsessed. It started when I was a kid, about 2nd grade. I got so fat that my mother took me to a doctor to make sure I didn't have some sort of thyroid problem. It was bad. My parents were very strict about monitoring my food intake, but despite eating very little, I stayed fat until I was 15--despite eating as little as 800 calories a day as recorded in my 8th grade food diary.
When I was 15, the weight didn't really disappear (I might have lost about 10 pounds), so much as rearrange. Suddenly I had a waist! Until I went to college, I was 130 lbs and 34-24-36. Sigh, what a memory.
Of course I've had lots of ups and downs since then, and was in my best shape about 7-10 years ago when I was a fanatical gym bunny and incredibly careful about my eating habits. I really need to get back into that headspace as I'm now coming down off the peak of my highest weight ever--the result of a sedentary lifestyle and various health problems.
I'm sure lots of people think I'm a nutcase when it comes to my size, but it's something I've lived with for as long as I can remember (I don't remember life before I was 8) and I've watched my parents get heavier and heavier over the years. I know I don't want to fight off 100 pounds like my mother did a couple years ago. I'm having enough problems with these 30 pounds now.
I realize that I have food issues and weight issues. But I don't have many other neuroses and we all deserve at least a couple, yes?