Constantine, my Constantine

[clevermanka]

Oh no. Oh dear god, no.

I could stare at Keanu Reeves for days and days but I'm sorry, John Constantine he is not. Why haven't I heard about this before now? Was everyone too afraid to tell me? My beloved J.C. is now from Los Angeles? And a brunette?

Maybe I can go to the movie and pretend it's a different character. In a different comic book. Preferably one I've not read. Or even heard of.

UPDATE: Okay, this image and a quick poke around on the Straight to Hell site there makes me feel a teeny weeny bit better about the whole thing, but jesus, why can't movie-makers just stick with the damn comic?

Comments

[sdemory.livejournal.com]

And, if I'm not mistaken, a former cop. Or something. Yeah. Could've been Ewen MacGregor (perhaps), or Clive Owen, could've been Jason Statham with his hair grown out. But, no, Keanu. Best part is, Keanu's said that he has been avoiding reading the comics so as not to pollute his performance with other peoples' interpretations.

Because Keanu Reeves is a model for theatrical integrity and vision.

Could be worse. You apparently haven't seen any pictures of the Constantinemobile. Yes, the Constantinemobile.

This, my dear, is why we have a Danger Army.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

A...a former...cop? Um, the Constantinemobile? Ok, any teenyweeny bit betters I was feeling just went down the toilet. Shite. Man, Ewan McGregor would've rocked as Constantine.

Danger Army, UNITE! I said unite, goddammit!

[sdemory.livejournal.com]

Constantinemobile mockups are visible here (http://www.timflattery.com/CNST.CAR/FNTGRIL7.JPG/), here (http://www.timflattery.com/CNST.CAR/RIV720.JPG), and here (http://www.timflattery.com/CNST.CAR/SIDE720.JPG). Fortunately, someone realized that John Constantine is not, in fact, Batman and that part of the movie was killed. Hopefully.

On the plus side, I like Djimon Honsou as Papa Midnite. However, Papa Midnite-as-pimpy hipster sidekick as seen here (http://www.insanerantings.com/hell/movie/stills5.html), not so much.

Of course, I make no decisions until after I've seen the movie and the drugs have worn off. But, yeah. This will take a bit to mark a high point in comic-to-film work.

OMG...

[confesstonobody.livejournal.com]

Don't get me started on this. My head will explode and I will seek blood. John Constantine's character in Vertigo was my gateway to almost every other Vertigo title. He's the 'touchstone' of the comic cutting edge at Vertigo (I know Sandman was the 'star' but IMHO, Constantine is a more persistent and fun character - not better, just different).

The feeling when I see pictures of Reeves as Constantine is almost as sickly as I feel whenever I see that Hewlett Packard commercial that uses The Cure's 'Pictures of You'.

Gahh! Why must they screw this movie up?!? Rarr! Constantine is not:

1) From New York.
2) A Brunette.

I could go on, but what's the point? I mean it's going to suck and it's obvious the producers should be put to death....

...and schlock like this is why I should NOT download movies and 'take money away from Hollywood'??!??!? Not that I do that, but if all movies were as insulting to the original concept as this one, I think I'd just buy 7 servers specifically for that purpose - to PUT HOLLYWOOD OUT OF BUSINESS.

...not that I have a strong opinion or anything. ;-0

[c3fyn.livejournal.com]

See, now, this is why I have to keep my upchuck bucket handy.

Of course, I already was apprised of this Reeves-as-Constantine, Constantine-drives-a-Constantinemobile, he's-not-even-a-limey business, so fortunately, my stomach heaves have become a sort of nagging burning sensation.

Le sigh.

[c3fyn.livejournal.com]

Danger Army at the ready! Burn, Hollywood, Burn!

Garr! Arrgh! Blood!

[sdemory.livejournal.com]

So, how about Papa Midnite as the Occult Underground's answer to Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch? This is, of course, jumping to a conclusion without seeing the movie but, still... look at him.

I love the way black people are portrayed on film. I'll cry tears of "joy" if he does a blood sacrifice with a boxcutter or a switchblade.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

So you're one who was trying to keep me in the dark as long as possible, eh? I guess I should thank you. Le sigh, indeed.

Oh, another thing

[sdemory.livejournal.com]

Proof that Hollywood smokes the crack all day long:

Tilda Swinton's going to play the Archangel Gabriel. In and of itself, I have little problem with that; she's a good performer and will do a nice job. However, she was chosen because Gabriel was, according to one of the producers, presented as "an androgynous figure, not a male character."

I seem to recall a cunning scheme involving a succubus and Gabriel's heart, in addition to an image of Gabriel raping Mary and the fact that Gabriel was always depicted as a huge, broad-shouldered male-type man in the Ennis/Fabry comics. But, then, I may have been hallucinating.

[c3fyn.livejournal.com]

He'll sacrifice a bucket of fried chicken, a mess of black-eyed peas, and a plate of watermelon.

You know they wanted to write it that way.

You just know it.

Burn, Hollywood! Burn!

Garrr! Arrrrrgh! Blood!

I want firsties on Reeves after we've established the perimeter.

[canaryblack.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God. Constantinemobile?

*speechless*

Fuck Hollywood. They've butchered every single comic book movie they've ever made, with exception of Tim Burton's Batman. Ugh. Soooo disappointed. The part that will piss me off more than the actual movie are all of the fucking stupid frat boys and people that have never picked up the comic book that'll inevitably be saying things like "Dude...that so totally rawked!" or "Best.Movie.Ever." or "First Keanu in the Matrix, now this". Excuse me...I have to vomit now.

[sdemory.livejournal.com]

He'll sacrifice a mess of fatback, sir. The fried chicken's fo' eatin'. Oh, and a forty-dog.

We'll see what happpens. I'm going to be big about this and give it the benefit of the doubt, since Moore's being pretty huge about it and choosing to split the money among the creators of the Hellblazer comic rather than keeping any of it himself.

[bellanorth.livejournal.com]

Well, I think we didn't want to believe it ourselves. So by not repeating it, it was possible that it was not real.

[c3fyn.livejournal.com]

That's because Moore is bigger than us all.

I still want to scalp everyone involved in the project with a rusty butterknife. Except Keanu. I have other plans for him. Dude, but I have other plans for him. Oh yes.