clevermanka | Being a liar has its advantages

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Being a liar has its advantages

Today's Thinky Post is brought to you by a couple things I've read on LJ this week, one thing said to me over the weekend, and one thing I mentioned in an email.

First, a reminder of

tama_grey's thoughts on the body and the self: I believe I need to get to a point where: 1) I accept that...my body is not an indicator of my worth as a person, 2) I am in a state of peace and acceptance with my current body... and 3) I choose to change not out of fear or pressure, but for myself and my personal comfort....Without that baseline of acceptance, it's an endless journey (not to mention an insanely frustrating one, should legitimate health complications physiologically prevent me from reaching any preconceived ideals). (references to body size removed for the sake of this post)

Second, from another friend's locked post (I'm paraphrasing): Kindness & confidence go hand in hand, and I rarely feel confident by nature.

Third, said to me this weekend (again, paraphrasing): I need to put on my game face, because this type of interaction does not come naturally to me. I know I'll have fun once I start, but getting started is difficult.

Fourth, from my email to a friend: Because my body is so fucked up and so sick, I have learned to divorce my brain/body connection. My body is, literally, a machine to me, and I have learned how to observe and use it as such. It's a machine that I can tinker with and improve, or let go to rust. But it isn't me. It's just my body, and I make it do what I want.

Going to CrossFit scares me. I mentioned this last month, and it's still true. It scares me every single time. When I drive to the box, I have butterflies in my stomach. Until I turn down 22nd Street, I play with the idea of going back home. Once I turn down 22nd, it's too late because everyone there knows the Crossfire now--there's no option but to park and walk into the box. I'm afraid of falling, afraid of hurting myself, afraid that I won't be able to physically do something asked of me. And I'm gonna be honest here, those fears are entirely justified. Every single one of those things I've mentioned as fears--they've happened. I've fallen down at the bottom of a squat. I've injured myself in minor or slightly-more-than-minor ways a number of times. Nearly every WOD (if not every one) has at least one movement I simply cannot do, and for which I have to request a modification.

Those falls, those injuries, those inabilities to perform an exercise as prescribed--those things do not make me a failure. My body might fail me (it fails me on a regular basis, frankly), but I am not my body, and therefore I am not a failure. The things which have most debilitated me physically--the autoimmune disease, the issues with digestion and fatigue--these are the also the things that have made it possible for me to view my body as something separate from what makes me what I am. If I allowed myself to be defined by what limits me, I would still be sitting on the couch with aching hip joints and an abdomen horribly distended by eating poisonous substances. I'm not saying I don't occasionally sink into a pity pit of hating my body. I don't know how not to hate something that betrays me on a regular basis. But I never hate myself for what my body is doing (or not doing, as is usually the case).

There's a trite little phrase that goes something like "Courage isn't a lack of fear. Courage is doing something in spite of fear." I think the saying is true, if over-used and unfortunately reminiscent of those annoying inspirational posters. I don't care if people think of me as courageous, but I like to be seen as confident. The idea of courage is fine in the abstract, but it's not something I work at. I work hard at confidence. Psst...I'm going to let you in on a secret, here. I have worked very hard for most of my life to be confident. I'm still working on it.

Early childhood was easy for me, and I have vague recollections of feeling confident in myself. Then we moved away from Indiana, and I found myself in a new environment. This was my first lesson in Things That Make Me Uncomfortable. I discovered I didn't like change. I didn't like feeling new. I had to pretend I was confident. I do this still, and frequently. Every new situation calls for another donning of the Confidence Coat, and once I've worn it enough in that circumstance, it becomes natural. I am a poster girl for Fake It 'Til You Make It. My confidence does not come from kindness. My confidence comes from successfully lying to myself and others until the lie becomes truth.

Accepting my body for what it is right now does not mean accepting its current state is all it can be. I am not always in control of my body, but I am always in control of my mind, my choices of behavior, and how I deal with my body. If I want to improve my physical condition, I must do things that make me mentally and emotionally uncomfortable. The best way for me to deal with mental and emotional discomfort in most circumstances is to behave as though I am confident until I actually am.

I'm not preaching, here. I know my way doesn't work for everyone. No one thing works for everyone, but if you are honestly interested in bettering yourself, it's crucial to know what methods work best for pushing yourself. Nobody improves by being mentally, physically, and emotionally comfortable. Change is hard and uncomfortable. I am no good at being gentle and loving with myself (or others). I am very good at separating desire from ability while remaining objective about both.

What are your best methods for encouraging improvement in yourself? Are you utilizing them?

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I wish I was utilizing methods for encouraging improvement; hell-I wish I HAD them. My best method is just to get out and do whatever it is.

I'm not particularly down on my body, other than I would like to either lose some weight or get myself back in good physical shape (which would accomplish the weight loss). My biggest problem is that I was the same weight for nearly 20 years straight. I graduated high school at 115-120, graduated college at 125-130, and stayed right there for the next 15 years. Working in retail does have it's advantages. Not enough to go back to it, but....

I envy you your public confidence, even if you don't see it in yourself; even if you've practiced at it for years, till it looks like second nature. I'm not comfortable on stage at all, even though I'm comfortable in new environments. So you doing that every year is amazing to me!

My best method is just to get out and do whatever it is.

Well, that's certainly nothing to sneeze at! As long as you keep doing it, I'd say that's a viable working method.

Envy isn't always a bad thing, either. I'm a fan of several of the seven deadly sins, and sometimes envy can be a great motivator.

Edited 2012-05-30 17:22 (UTC)

The hardest part is that I'm perpetually lazy-so I really have to kick myself to get the hell up and DO IT.

I work much better with a partner; my husband NEEDS to exercise, although he says he gets enough exercise at work (no, you don't, or you wouldn't be puffing at riding your bike with me!), and doesn't want to spend money on a gym membership, blah, blah, blah....
(His idea of riding bike is sort of like strolling along the block, rather than getting out and walking a mile in 15-20 minutes. When I want to exercise, I WANT TO MOVE!)

But I've possibly found an exercise partner in a new co-employee here at work; she lives in my town, so we could do some walking at night, etc. We've been discussing walking over our lunch hours here at work; some of my old co-workers and I used to do that. We'd go over to the sports arena and walk the ramps on our lunch hour, then go back & eat at our desks in the last half hour.

I need to do something, though; I'm getting tired of looking in the mirror or seeing myself in pics and not seeing what my self-view expects. Plus I've got a niece getting married in October, and I want to look good for that.

The hardest part is that I'm perpetually lazy-so I really have to kick myself to get the hell up and DO IT.

*fistbump*

Yay for finding an exercise partner!

"Envy isn't always a bad thing, either. I'm a fan of several of the seven deadly sins, and sometimes envy can be a great motivator."

LOL!

I think you may have worked at KCRF at the same time as an old boyfriend of mine-does the name Clark Cumbo ring a bell? He was a minstrel there, I think; an old friend of his posted a pic of a group of them wandering through the faire in blue velvet uniforms with big hats, but without their instruments-at least that was my guess. It may have been a few years before you started there, though.
Since I moved away from east Kansas for the better part of 20 years, I didn't keep in touch with a lot of old friends (of course, when they are ex-boyfriends, sometimes there are reasons why, too), so never knew he worked there.

I don't know the name, but I know hardly anyone's name out there. I've worked there on and off since 1997. Pretty much 100% on since 2004.

When I was 7 we moved to Germany and the earth literally shifted under my feet. Without going into the details, I can just tell ya that learning how to extend my hand to strangers was first learned at that age, and was reinforced every time I changed schools &/or found myself in situations where I couldn't even speak the native language.

I have pretended most of my life thereafter to be something that I never was: confident, in charge/control, outgoing, and in the know. Alcohol and drugs helped with this for 15 years (ok, really only helped for a short while then became a whole new issue.) But then I quit, and there I was.

Then I had the great foresight (hope you can hear the sarcasm there) to build a life for myself that depended upon me having these very characteristics. But though I tell that lie, I am never actually convinced of a particle of it. And so here I am.

For me, the illusion of confidence doesn't cut it. I am a red pill kind of gal...I want to get underneath the illusion and it seems to me that understanding WHY my confidence doesn't match my competence allows me to address it at a reformative level, instead of superficially -by donning a costume that never really fit(s) me.

I am sick of being an impostor.

When I speak about gentleness and kindness, I don't mean that I coo sweet nothings into my inner ear...I don't mean that I suddenly listen to soothing instrumentals with sounds of whales & seagulls in the background. Rather it means that I make time & space to address the things that are essential to my health & well-being...like going to the gym, like playing with my best pal. It also means letting go of outcomes, and being OK with where I'm at -which is particularly helpful when I'm struggling along at the gym.

Also, I totally agree and also think that it's important to acknowledge that the body is separate from who we are as people. My body issues are different from yours, but I have plenty of them.

Then I had the great foresight (hope you can hear the sarcasm there) to build a life for myself that depended upon me having these very characteristics. But though I tell that lie, I am never actually convinced of a particle of it.

Perhaps you should take up acting lessons.

I KID.

I'm lucky to have had parents who pretty much convinced me I could do anything I put my mind to. Without that background, I don't know that I'd have the wherewithal to convince myself, either. I'm happy to hear that you're finding better, less destructive ways to improve your life!

It also means letting go of outcomes, and being OK with where I'm at -which is particularly helpful when I'm struggling along at the gym.

Yes yes yes and yes! *fistbump*

I have zero patience with anyone (ask

mckitterick about this) who bemoans how they feel bad doing X activity because they can't do it the exact way it's shown. Well BOO FUCKING HOO. Get over yourself and do it the best (and safest) way that your body currently allows or STFU and don't do it at all. But don't half-ass it, and don't whine.

I love my gym...we got NONE of that whining shit anywhere, though I have heard some grunting, for sure. LOL!!

Best thing about my gym is how diverse it is. I am always surprised by how many older people -like in their last 60's- are in there bustin' ass.

That sounds like an awesome gym, for sure. More gyms like yours, please!!!

I am seriously in need of some self-esteem but honestly I am kind of at a point right now where my depression is creeping back in. I've got so much childhood crap hanging around me, I don't even know where to begin. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still engage in self-sabotaging behaviour (like not sleeping to a schedule, for one thing... that's my big thing. I don't seem to give a damn, but you try not working for 13 years non-voluntarily and see what that does for you...)

But I'm glad you're facing this - I have some severe social anxiety at times, especially when trying something new. I tried to take a TKD class some years ago, knowing it would push my comfort levels. I did maybe two classes. Then it came to a screeching halt - almost literally - when our car broke down on the way to class and it needed about $700 worth of repairs. That was that.

idk, I just generally hate myself a lot and am pretty unhappy and convinced that people will hate me at the drop of a hat and how can someone possibly think I'm 'cool' or anything and I practically police myself 24/7 trying to fit in, to be accepted, using humour as a method. It's so high school, but I can't seem to shake it.

Oh, bb. That sucks. A lot. I wish I could help.

big hugs

I imagine it'll help a little when I can start getting myself around instead of relying on other people so much. Part of it is that I'm stuck in the house all day every day.

Ugh. Yeah, that would be awful.

The gym nearest my house is our town wellness center; Inman has a bit over a thousand population, with a pretty big outlying farming community. The wellness center doubles as training center for our middle/high school sports.

So there's no telling who's going to be there, or how old/young/strong/weak/healthy/unhealthy they are going to be!

I hate the city I live in, o.m.g.

I had similar fears in high school during off-season (many of our workouts seem to have come from precursors to crossfit). Every morning, I would have this horrible feeling of dread until off-season finished at the end of 3rd period. My stomach would be in knots, and I barely ate breakfast. I'd always be conscious of the fact that my upper body strength hadn't developed as much as my peers, or worried about screwing something up to make the team do extra work.

Nowadays, I miss it. I miss that it was the one thing in my life where I didn't have to worry about anyone else, and that I couldn't make excuses - I was the only one who had to have the will and the ability to overcome the next physical hurdle. And with every obstacle I pushed past, I knew that I was making myself a stronger person (literally and figuratively).

Having coaches and a team to encourage me was a great motivator. Though, now, in the absence of that, I turn to my iPod and music that gets me pumped up. And, to be perfectly honest, you're a great motivator. You pointed out where I had gone wrong, introduced me to a new lifestyle, and you're constantly busting ass to overcome obstacles much greater than the weight I'd gained or my bad ankles. Getting myself back in gear was the least I could do to honor our friendship, and it's something that had always been an important part of my self-image anyway.

In school, I've ended up as a producer somehow. I've been faking extrovert since I started, and basically just kept putting myself in unknown (and sometimes uncomfortable) situations knowing that I'd float somehow. And I've been rewarded by developing new skills, contacts, and confidence. It can be draining, though - I recharge by being a gaming hermit in our apartment most nights and weekends, or with the occasional bar outing.

My current goal is to get to know all the trails throughout the nearby Frick Park by running them and getting lost - I just finished Mile 6 and Day 2.

This is a great and admirable post. Just wanted you to know I read it. We can talk in person!

It means so much to me to know that I have been a positive influence for someone. Thank you. And you're welcome.

Good for you for realizing that exhibiting extroverted behavior doesn't mean you're actually an extrovert, and allowing yourself hermit time. I get frustrated when people don't understand that I'm more an introvert than extrovert. Being an introvert doesn't mean I'm shy. It just means that being around other people tires me rather than energizes me. I'm glad to hear that you don't extend the need for you to be ON for your classmates to a need to be ON in your recharging time.

Having coaches and a team to encourage me was a great motivator.

Have you looked into seeing if there's a CrossFit box near you? I don't think it's possible that they can all be as awesome as CrossFit Lawrence, but maybe they can come close. =)

Aw.

<3

Hmm... there is one 3.5 miles away! If I remain local after school, I'll keep it in mind.

Unfortunately, with the workload and time commitment that is the ETC, I don't think I can manage to work that in within the next year. I have a hard enough time taking an hour a few times a week to run along the river, shower, and then go back to my project room.

If I'm able, I'd still love to move to Lawrence after a graduate, provided I can find a career excuse. Then I'd be all over CrossFit Lawrence. Or, in Austin (that has plenty of entertainment tech), there's that crossfit place run by my old teammates.

See, it's posts like this that explain why you are one of my closest friends, AMJH. Go you for figuring shit out about yourself and always growing.

with the workload and time commitment that is the ETC, I don't think I can manage to work that in within the next year.

Yeah, school is a killer. I'm impressed with how much you have been able to do while taking such a heavy class load.

My internet buddy Melissa Joulwan (http://www.theclothesmakethegirl.com/) is affiliated with CrossFit Austin. If you move to Austin, btw, I predict High Probability of Chernobyl Red Visits. Just a warning.

Hey there! I saw your comment & read your LJ userinfo and it sounds like we're working through many similar things. Most recently, I've successfully tackled the sleeping-on-a-schedule challenge. I'd be glad to chat with you about it if you'd like. I'm friending you so you can see my entries (all but the most recent ones are friends-only) in the hope that it might be encouraging. Email me anytime - MGraceSmith (gmail). I'd really appreciate the chance to help someone else if I can!

Edited 2012-06-03 03:49 (UTC)

OMG THIS GIF.

Oh, sure. :)

BEST GIF.

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Being a liar has its advantages

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big hugs

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Being a liar has its advantages

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*big hugs*

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big hugs