In which I have an interesting experience and find a solution too late

[clevermanka]

Last night's session with Clementine was, as I expected, interesting. I don't know that I'll go for a second session (it was too woo-woo for me), but talking with her certainly made me think about my health in new ways. Among the questions she asked: "How does being ill serve you?" "Do you know how to self-identify as healthy?" and "Why does your body attack itself?" Intriguing questions. I didn't have answers for all of them.

The idea of self-identifying as healthy is the one that struck me most. What would happen if I simply started pretending like I was healthy? Would that be a good thing? Is it even possible? I'm unsure on both counts. I need to talk about this more with someone who has a therapy/counseling background so can ask me the right questions, but also has an understanding of my actual physical limitations and will be realistic about what is...well, realistic. But I can't pay Clementine another $70 for a follow-up visit right now, and I'm not sure that would be helpful, anyway.

I had an insight last night about how to deal with Friday night's performance and the eating/swelling issue. Wear a body stocking. So obvious, right? *facepalm*

Unfortunately, it's a bit too late to do anything about it since I don't own a body stocking, the woman who might stock such things locally is not returning my phone call, and none of the websites I found can guarantee 24-hour delivery. Even if they could guarantee delivery tomorrow, I'm not sure I'd want to pay the overnight rush charges.

I wish the body stockings sold at sex toy/novelty shops were a little sturdier. Hm. Maybe I'll dig out one of my old black fishnet body stockings from my punkier days and see if I can put together a costume around that. I'll just pretend to be one of those dark fusion dancers. A white-bread, mid-western audience isn't going to know the difference, anyway.

Comments

[ms-danson.livejournal.com]

What would self-identifying as healthy look like?

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I'm not entirely sure, because I never realized that I didn't. I need to come to grips with the fact that I self-identify as unhealthy before I figure out how to self-identify as healthy.

Kind of like I needed time to come to grips with the basic fact that I had an eating disorder before I could do anything to deal with it.

In some cases, knowledge really is half the battle. I'm just a slow learner/fighter. =/

[ms-danson.livejournal.com]

I'm just a slow learner/fighter. =/

Ha. NO. I'd disagree. I know it feels that way given what a huge pile of crap you've been trying to dig yourself out from under lately. It's damn hard to keep positive sometimes.

I'd say you are impressively flexible and quick to make changes when they make sense. I've certainly learned a lot from you sharing the work you've been doing.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely right. Once I put my mind to make a change I make that change pretty fast. I meant that sometimes it takes me a really long time to pick up on something. Instead of saying I'm a slow learner, I should have said I'm not observant. Hell, I didn't realize I had a life-long eating disorder until I was forty fucking years old.

I still need a couple days to ponder this idea of identifying as an unhealthy person, though. When I understand it and the ways that mentality affected me, I'll consider what it would be like to be a healthy person.

[ms-danson.livejournal.com]

Cool. I'm looking forward to seeing what insights you come up with. Cheers!

[hdsqrl.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's so simple, but so deep (the self-identifying thing.) It makes me think about my own identification, too, but in reverse.

I think most times I identify as being completely able-bodied, and I push myself (specifically my ankles) too far and then end up paying for it later. Other times - when it's convenient to do so, if I'm being honest - I'll use the ankles as an excuse to get out of doing something I find particularly annoying or inconvenient. When I do overdo the ankles and they stiffen and swell up, I'm always surprised (wtf, ankles? Y U NO WORK???) - perhaps we both need to find a balance somewhere in the middle that's closer to the truth for both of us.

[saffronhare.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry...I'm having a hard time with the name Clementine, so I'm therefore shallow and not very useful in this discussion because of it. :) Much like when I first started meeting with a counselor named Mr. Nimrod. Never could get past that.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

we both need to find a balance somewhere in the middle that's closer to the truth for both of us

Yes! Although I would like my middle to be very close to healthy. =D

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Hey, I do know where to find a black leotard that has a powernet middle, although I don't know what you'd do with the short sleeve top part of it.

[saffronhare.livejournal.com]

Inorite? It is super-double-plus funny because this was the marriage counselor my ex and I went to, way back when. I'd be talking with my mom about counseling and say something about Nimrod, and she'd ask me if I was talking about my ex or the counselor. Killed me DED. Okay. I get back to work nau.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I'll be wearing a choli.

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Quite frankly, if you want to take scissors to it, I'd be okay with that. You can *have* it.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Awesome! Could I swing by tonight after 5:00 to pick it up?

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

'YES! It is a leotard so I hope it won't be too high on the hip where the powernet starts.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Here's hoping. Kathe just called me back and the only ones she's got in stock are LG/XL. =b

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Well, the one that I used to wear was a size B (http://www.sugarpetals.com/unitards.asp) which is the same thing.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Oh. OH! Should I call her back you think?

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

I would! It will be so much better than trying to adjust this one.
I may even get another myself. The A size I had long long ago shrunk to teeny size

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

And now she is not answering her phone again. Left another message. *sigh*

[tama-grey.livejournal.com]

I've got two bodystockings, both nude. Probably too big for you but might work in a pinch. One midriff only, the other midriff-to-thigh. If you're interested, I can arrange a trip to Larryville tonight or tomorrow.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

That's super generous, but I hate for you to make a trip all the way out here for just that. Gas is expensive!

My waist is between 31" and 33", and hips are 40" to 44", depending on how much I'm swollen. What're the measurements for your bodystockings, d'you know?

[tama-grey.livejournal.com]

I need to return your dvds, and I have an errand I'd like to run anyway that I wasn't able to do last time I was in town because I had neglected to bring my wallet. :/

I don't know the measurements. I bought them from SugarPetals, they're size B styles 1 & 1.5 and I think they're both PowerNet. I didn't wear them often enough to stretch them out (twice for style 1, once for 1.5).

[tama-grey.livejournal.com]

(At the time of purchase, my waist was in the same range as yours, hips slightly larger)

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

According to Rae, Size B will work for me. If you're planning to come to Lawrence anyways, I am ALL OVER THAT.

Bless your heart!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

BRING 'EM, GURL.

WOOT!