clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2013-08-22 12:25 pm
clevermanka) wrote2013-08-22 12:25 pm
Entry tags:
How focusing on strength and admiting I'm not special helped me stop care about my appearance
I started working with Andrew on April 21st. That's sixteen(ish) weeks. That's...a lot of weeks. Basically, I've been working with him for a semester. o_O I've learned what I can do, what I can't do, what I want to do, and a host of other things related to how I feel about myself and my body.
What I Can Do
I can lift heavy things, put them down, and lift them again without hurting myself or bystanders. I can push or pull a heavy object across a parking lot while maintaining good posture and form. I can perform a taxing movement enough times that it leaves me weak and shaking in a good way. I can suffer through any exercise movement, even burpees, with no complaint because AT LEAST I'M NOT RUNNING. I can always, always find the energy to raise my arms above my head in triumph after finishing a workout.
What I Can't Do
I can't push myself through a 15-20 minute metcon (Metabolic Conditioning) workout without triggering a fatigue flare-up that lasts for a week. I can't exercise in the evening without messing up my cortisol levels for a few days (and if my energy levels don't allow for morning exercise, I shrug it off and get on with my day and I don't berate myself for skipping a workout).
What I Want to Do
I want to climb a rope. I want to do an unassisted, strict form pull-up. I want to deadlift more than my bodyweight. I want to keep doing this.
I've learned a lot and changed a lot about my attitude and motivations, too. My perception of how I look hasn't changed. I still look doughy and puffy to me (althoughmckitterick assures me otherwise), but I care less about that. I don't care so much that my upper arms look flabby because now I do tricep dips with my legs fully extended. I don't care so much that my belly is bigger than it has been since I weighed 190lbs because now I pull my knees higher than my hips when I'm hanging from a pull-up bar. I don't care so much that my thighs hang over my kneecaps a bit because now I do weighted squats without my left knee caving in. Note my uses of I don't care so much, though. I'm not completely over body image issues--let's be honest. I'm worlds better than I used to be, and that's important and valuable.
This all coalesced in my brain last week when I was walking around campus. I saw a woman who looked to be about my age and height, but slim, with not much muscle. She had a flat belly and looked good in her narrow skirt and tank top. But her stride was uneven and her shoulders slumped. She didn't look strong. I was amazed by the realization that I would rather look the way I look right now, for the rest of my life, than trade body types with her. I don't want this to sound like I judged her for not being muscled or that I thought to myself "Someone get her a sammich!" because it wasn't about her. It was about me and the amazing, beautiful, and wholly new concept that, given a magical wand to switch appearances, I would not trade with her. I would rather continue soldiering on with my current physique because I feel strong in my body now, and strong feels good. Feeling strong feels better than looking a certain way.
I've also been influenced by observing a friend of mine who has been going through her own body image issues. She's displeased with recent weight gain and yes, I'm not going to lie, it is noticeable. She does look different than she did three years ago, but she is no less gorgeous, sexy, or desirable for it. I will be the first to admit that I am not special or better or more evolved than anyone else, so if I feel this way about her, why would I question the possibility that others feel that way about me? It's not like my fat is somehow different than anyone else's fat--that my fat is somehow uglier or less appealing just because it's on my body. What a ridiculous notion.
The combination of these two realizations is huge. Huge and freeing.
Feeling this way means saying Fuck It regarding those two inches I wanted to lose around my waist before Renaissance Festival. Feeling this way means I'll not wear a choli under my bra on super hot performance days even though my arms jiggle and the flesh around my bra strap folds over the top. Feeling this way means I don't give a good god damn that anyone might think (or say) I'm too fat to wear a two-piece costume (despite the fact that my abs are visible when I do rib slides or oblique-driven hip movements). Feeling this way is fucking fantastic.
This does not mean I'll become complacent about continuing and improving my movement and activity levels. It also doesn't mean I'm no longer focused on eliminating my swelling issues. Body confidence or no, ending the day in clothing so tight that buttons strain when they were loose that morning is a serious drag and uncomfortable to boot. It does mean that hallelujah, I'm becoming free of the overwhelming obsession/oppression of how I appear to others.
What I Can Do
I can lift heavy things, put them down, and lift them again without hurting myself or bystanders. I can push or pull a heavy object across a parking lot while maintaining good posture and form. I can perform a taxing movement enough times that it leaves me weak and shaking in a good way. I can suffer through any exercise movement, even burpees, with no complaint because AT LEAST I'M NOT RUNNING. I can always, always find the energy to raise my arms above my head in triumph after finishing a workout.
What I Can't Do
I can't push myself through a 15-20 minute metcon (Metabolic Conditioning) workout without triggering a fatigue flare-up that lasts for a week. I can't exercise in the evening without messing up my cortisol levels for a few days (and if my energy levels don't allow for morning exercise, I shrug it off and get on with my day and I don't berate myself for skipping a workout).
What I Want to Do
I want to climb a rope. I want to do an unassisted, strict form pull-up. I want to deadlift more than my bodyweight. I want to keep doing this.
I've learned a lot and changed a lot about my attitude and motivations, too. My perception of how I look hasn't changed. I still look doughy and puffy to me (although
mckitterick assures me otherwise), but I care less about that. I don't care so much that my upper arms look flabby because now I do tricep dips with my legs fully extended. I don't care so much that my belly is bigger than it has been since I weighed 190lbs because now I pull my knees higher than my hips when I'm hanging from a pull-up bar. I don't care so much that my thighs hang over my kneecaps a bit because now I do weighted squats without my left knee caving in. Note my uses of I don't care so much, though. I'm not completely over body image issues--let's be honest. I'm worlds better than I used to be, and that's important and valuable.This all coalesced in my brain last week when I was walking around campus. I saw a woman who looked to be about my age and height, but slim, with not much muscle. She had a flat belly and looked good in her narrow skirt and tank top. But her stride was uneven and her shoulders slumped. She didn't look strong. I was amazed by the realization that I would rather look the way I look right now, for the rest of my life, than trade body types with her. I don't want this to sound like I judged her for not being muscled or that I thought to myself "Someone get her a sammich!" because it wasn't about her. It was about me and the amazing, beautiful, and wholly new concept that, given a magical wand to switch appearances, I would not trade with her. I would rather continue soldiering on with my current physique because I feel strong in my body now, and strong feels good. Feeling strong feels better than looking a certain way.
I've also been influenced by observing a friend of mine who has been going through her own body image issues. She's displeased with recent weight gain and yes, I'm not going to lie, it is noticeable. She does look different than she did three years ago, but she is no less gorgeous, sexy, or desirable for it. I will be the first to admit that I am not special or better or more evolved than anyone else, so if I feel this way about her, why would I question the possibility that others feel that way about me? It's not like my fat is somehow different than anyone else's fat--that my fat is somehow uglier or less appealing just because it's on my body. What a ridiculous notion.
The combination of these two realizations is huge. Huge and freeing.
Feeling this way means saying Fuck It regarding those two inches I wanted to lose around my waist before Renaissance Festival. Feeling this way means I'll not wear a choli under my bra on super hot performance days even though my arms jiggle and the flesh around my bra strap folds over the top. Feeling this way means I don't give a good god damn that anyone might think (or say) I'm too fat to wear a two-piece costume (despite the fact that my abs are visible when I do rib slides or oblique-driven hip movements). Feeling this way is fucking fantastic.
This does not mean I'll become complacent about continuing and improving my movement and activity levels. It also doesn't mean I'm no longer focused on eliminating my swelling issues. Body confidence or no, ending the day in clothing so tight that buttons strain when they were loose that morning is a serious drag and uncomfortable to boot. It does mean that hallelujah, I'm becoming free of the overwhelming obsession/oppression of how I appear to others.