clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2014-12-09 09:15 am
clevermanka) wrote2014-12-09 09:15 am
Entry tags:
These boots are made for walking
This entry turned out to be way shorter than I anticipated. I had a notion that I was going to talk about my anger and examples of its constant companionship through my life but then I realized that...really wasn't very productive?
Suffice to say that underneath my good-humored exterior, I have always been an angry person. I dislike most other human beings, I have a low tolerance for willful ignorance, I generally expect the worst out of people and I am rarely surprised by a misjudgement (although when someone does surprise me in a positive way, I'm delighted). My dislike and distrust of humanity does not make me depressed or sad. It makes me angry. My anger is active, constant, and (I've now learned) exhausting and damaging. It needs to change.
My anger was such a normal thing to me that I never gave it much attention until a few months ago![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mckitterick were discussing it and I explained that, much like Bruce Banner's comment in Avengers, I am always angry. Always. And to be honest, I don't want to let go of that anger. I think anger can be useful if managed appropriately and also it's a huge part of my own self-identification. There might come a day when I'm ready to change that aspect of myself, but this is not that day.
I am not willing to allow anger to further damage my health, though, and so I am working to find ways to use my anger helpfully and healthfully. I no longer post enraging stories on Tumblr or FB. Instead I post articles about how to help or improve things--like where to donate to the Ferguson Library or how to be a better ally. A small change, but important.
The internal stuff is, of course, more difficult. When I see something angry-making (and let's face it, that's like every fifteen minutes or so these days), I do my best to breathe through it, to remind myself that there is (probably) nothing that can be helped through an emotional lash-out. Instead of allowing myself to fall into my comfortable Habit Sofa of Rage, I think about ways I could change the situation through positive, peaceful action. Sometimes that action is cutting a rage-inducing person from my life, completely and without remorse. Sometimes it's attempting to educate (and if that fails, cutting the willfully ignorant person from my life). Sometimes it's donating money, time, or energy to peacefully help a cause. Yes, it takes more effort to find a way to react positively to a situation, but that's to be expected.
When I say "react positively to a situation," I don't mean some airy notion of letting go of anger and forgiveness and such. Fuck that. The Dalai Lama can rock that. It's not my jam. Some people are not worthy of my forgiveness and I refuse to accept someone's criticism because I refuse to embrace people who've hurt me. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about finding a path I can walk with my eyes completely open, yet still breathing calmly, and feeling like it's a path that's taking me to a good place.
Speaking of walking a path, today's Tumblr collection is Tuesday, December 9: Shoes.
Oooo! And speaking of Tumblr, I just now came across this timely article about the cult of forgiveness.
Suffice to say that underneath my good-humored exterior, I have always been an angry person. I dislike most other human beings, I have a low tolerance for willful ignorance, I generally expect the worst out of people and I am rarely surprised by a misjudgement (although when someone does surprise me in a positive way, I'm delighted). My dislike and distrust of humanity does not make me depressed or sad. It makes me angry. My anger is active, constant, and (I've now learned) exhausting and damaging. It needs to change.
My anger was such a normal thing to me that I never gave it much attention until a few months ago
mckitterick were discussing it and I explained that, much like Bruce Banner's comment in Avengers, I am always angry. Always. And to be honest, I don't want to let go of that anger. I think anger can be useful if managed appropriately and also it's a huge part of my own self-identification. There might come a day when I'm ready to change that aspect of myself, but this is not that day.I am not willing to allow anger to further damage my health, though, and so I am working to find ways to use my anger helpfully and healthfully. I no longer post enraging stories on Tumblr or FB. Instead I post articles about how to help or improve things--like where to donate to the Ferguson Library or how to be a better ally. A small change, but important.
The internal stuff is, of course, more difficult. When I see something angry-making (and let's face it, that's like every fifteen minutes or so these days), I do my best to breathe through it, to remind myself that there is (probably) nothing that can be helped through an emotional lash-out. Instead of allowing myself to fall into my comfortable Habit Sofa of Rage, I think about ways I could change the situation through positive, peaceful action. Sometimes that action is cutting a rage-inducing person from my life, completely and without remorse. Sometimes it's attempting to educate (and if that fails, cutting the willfully ignorant person from my life). Sometimes it's donating money, time, or energy to peacefully help a cause. Yes, it takes more effort to find a way to react positively to a situation, but that's to be expected.
When I say "react positively to a situation," I don't mean some airy notion of letting go of anger and forgiveness and such. Fuck that. The Dalai Lama can rock that. It's not my jam. Some people are not worthy of my forgiveness and I refuse to accept someone's criticism because I refuse to embrace people who've hurt me. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about finding a path I can walk with my eyes completely open, yet still breathing calmly, and feeling like it's a path that's taking me to a good place.
Speaking of walking a path, today's Tumblr collection is Tuesday, December 9: Shoes.
Oooo! And speaking of Tumblr, I just now came across this timely article about the cult of forgiveness.
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That's basically what the mindfulness training has been for Draco, about having choices rather than reactions around his anger responses. For me, anger is a pretty comfortable emotions. I'm okay with being and angry. As a result, I've hidden things I'm not comfortable with in anger… fear and frustration, for example. I've also had to realize that when I'm in physical pain and sleep deprived my body goes looking for something to blame it on. Anger is powerful and comfortable… stuff like *happiness* isn't so much. I'm kinda working on that.
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Yes, exactly! Also, yes in regards to the mindfulness training. It's why I'm interested in some of your experiments with such.
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*runs and hides*
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I really like your approach with this and how you're working to find a balance between your righteous anger and your health.
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I don't think I have enough energy lately for anger, but I am working on not being as irritated by things. This job is teaching me to shake it off and move on to the next
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Oh dem shuzz! I'd love to have every pair in that one collection pic.
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Also, I've been doing a lot of deep breathing at work. Still working on stuff there, but now I've got to come up with something to deal with my anger at home too.
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I'll post them as I find them. =D
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Interesting! I'm glad you figured that out and were able to take steps to change the situation.
I hope you find a way to better energy. Hurray for shaking it off!
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OMG, how in the hell did you get in my head?
J recently commented that I am angry and violent. I'm thinking I might need to take up some sort of physical release activity, like working with a heavy bag or padded weapons fighting.
Mmm, loved the shoe collection.
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It was high when I went to check out a new PCP. The nurse told me that they ignore a new patient's first pressure check because it's always higher than normal.
I hope yours is just a case of dental nerves.
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(And I'm jealous of your lack of fear).
I hope things even out for you soon.
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(And I know. But I had 5 or 6 oral surgeries as a kid, 4 & 1/2 years in braces, and another 3 in retainers. My mother took me to every single office visit and procedure with a cool, albeit slightly psychotic aplomb. Largely, I didn't freak out because she didn't freak out, but also, I eventually just got resigned to it.)
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I also agree that anger can be good (counselor told me it is a "mover"--it can get one to do things--as opposed to rage, which basically incapacitated me for a bit), but this post makes me wonder if I can actually identify an angry person. hmmm.
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