Gone

[clevermanka]

Yesterday I mentioned my departure from active involvement in some fandoms. Last year I removed all fitted skirts and button-down blouses from my wardrobe. Last night a friend took away my massive Salem Biscayne vintage china set.

Personal tastes and hobbies shift and change during our lives, and that's normal. It's sometimes a little sad when it happens, though, especially when the decision to change isn't completely internally motivated.

The fandom thing--that's entirely my decision. I choose to no longer overlook Marvel's blatant racism and sexism even though I continue to overlook it in regards to Sherlock. My biggest gripe with that production is the overall degeneration of writing, plot development, and character behaviors. I'll continue to remain active (as active as I've ever been) in the Sherlock fandom at least until I see how Season 4 pans out.

Regarding the wardrobe shift, that was motivated by my physical discomfort (caused by my inflammation issues) wearing non-knit clothes anymore. I refuse to feel pinched and restricted in a daily-wear outfit. I love clothes and I won't let myself hate my clothes or hate myself in my clothes. There's a time and place for wearing restrictive clothing (high heels, corsets, shapewear, push-up bras) and daily office and casual wear is not that time or place for me. Again, my choice, and a choice that makes me feel (literally and figuratively) good.

Those dishes, though. The giving-up of those dishes represents something else.

A long time ago, so long ago in both years and mental/emotional development that it seems like a different life--I guess it was a different life--I was a rockabilly. I was active in my local scene and even more active in the (inter)national scene where I wasn't one of the biggest Big Name Fans, but I was kind of up there.

Some of the best-known names in current rockabilly music knew me, and when they toured through Lawrence (which was frequently because our live music scene used to be fucking amazing), they'd stop at my house for dinner before a show. I once served five racks of ribs and five pounds of mashed potatoes (as well as multiple salads, vegetables, and two casserole pans of Dump Cake) to Deke Dickerson and the guys touring with him that year.

My god those men ate a lot. I was honestly concerned they'd be fit to perform that night.

If a band didn't have time for a sit-down dinner at the house, I cooked them two or three meatloaves and packed them in a disposable cooler with bread, condiments, and a couple quarts of home-made slaw. I did that for The Derailers at least three times (and the last time, got to hang out after the show in their amazing tour bus while they scarfed down the chocolate chip cookies I'd brought for dessert).

When I used to regularly attend the annual Viva Las Vegas convention (which used to be about 2,500 to 3,000 people--it's much bigger now), I was one of the lucky hundred or so who was invited to Ronny Weiser's get-together at his (amazing) house in Las Vegas.

Anyway, my point is, I was super invested in rockabilly and rockabilly culture. Like, hardcore invested.

I'd started listening to rockabilly and rockabilly-related country because I was not into the music getting radio play in the early 90s. I was already hanging out with some of the local retro-type folks, and I discovered that I really, really dug it. I dressed it (every day--to work, to play, to the shows), I danced it, and most of my home furnishings, from couches to kitchen, reflected a rockabilly aesthetic. I wore cat-eye glasses for nearly a decade, for godssake, and not to be edgy or ironic. It's just what else would I wear with my pencil skirts and Marilyn haircut?

Then there was A Breakup and because I didn't have the emotional fortitude to continue that lifestyle on my own (seeing him at shows, dealing with the awkwardness at parties being both there-but-not-together), I completely dropped out of the scene, pretty much overnight. He kept most of the furniture (and the vintage house), as well as the rockabilly lifestyle. I gradually shed my retro wardrobe. I stopped swing dancing. I was never a popular dance partner with anyone else to begin with. I honestly have no idea why. Maybe I'm a terrible follow? Even the music itself was tarnished for me and was pushed further down the listening choices when mckitterick proved to be less than a fan of the genre. Anyway, it's just not the same listening to Cave Catt Sammy and not being able to grab my partner for a quick swing around the living room. Rockabilly like no other genre cries out for me to dance, dance, dance and solo groove-type dancing just doesn't cut it.

So anyway, where I'm going with this is those dishes. Getting rid of those dishes, man. It's been a long time coming, and I'm not gonna lie, it fucking hurts. They've been boxed up and stored in the garage since I moved with with mckitterick, like, what, seven years ago? And I don't want to keep them. I don't. But they're some of the last few things I've got from a huge and important part of my life and it feels like ripping off a scab to send them away. And I know, I know, it's not about the fucking dishes. I know this.

It's about (still, over a decade later) dealing with a life change that I didn't want. Yes, technically I chose it. I chose to stop going to shows and I chose to drop out of the social scene, but those weren't the choices I wanted to make. I simply wasn't emotionally strong enough to choose otherwise. It makes me sad, and even sadder for the fact that there's no going back now. The local scene has largely dried up, and the national scene is so huge that I wouldn't go to a VLV weekender even if I wanted to (I hear over 7,000 people pack into the hotel ballrooms and over 20,000 come to the car show). That whole era is just completely and irrevocably gone from me. Gone like those friends, those clothes, that dance partner, and now those dishes.

Comments

[theoneinblue.livejournal.com]

❤️ to you, dear one. I feel you on the letting-things-attached-to-a-former-life-go thing. At some points I've tossed things out with glee, and at other points I've been furious that the object in question should be tainted with memory or association that I never wanted. And it doesn't seem fair, but then keeping it doesn't seem right, either. Ugh.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

The day I decide to get rid of my dance costumes is gonna be rough.

[ms-danson.livejournal.com]

I'm really big on stripping away parts of my life I'm finished with and it is hard every time. Even when it is exactly the right thing to do. Even when it is like a lodestone and letting go (eventually) makes me feel better and free. Even when it's my choice. There is still grieving.

So… Go you. Gold star. Man that sucks. *sits with you while you hurt*

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you for understanding and putting it into perfect sympathetic language.

[mundungus42.livejournal.com]

*nods* My interest in fandoms tends to wax and wane with my attraction to the characters (sometimes romantically, sometimes not). It's no surprise that the fandoms I've been active in for the longest periods of time are book fandoms, and they're the ones I'm mostly likely to come back to periodically. I stopped being interested in my first fandom (X-Files) because the final season went completely off the rails, and I didn't even see Fight the Future in the theatre. But I still play around in ACD because I will always love it.

I admire the closure you seem to get from consciously choosing to let things go. I tend to let my interest drift to new things and let those old chapters close on their own. Then, when I'm cleaning out my closets (literal and figurative) I come across old things and I can get rid of them without too much panging. But it does mean a lot of clutter.

*hugs* It is sad to know that an era you participated in so enthusiastically no longer exists. It happens a lot in music. The band that you used to see at the local hole in the wall and told everybody about has a hugely successful album (and album you thought was pretty good but not brilliant) and now they play huge spaces and you can't get close enough to throw underpants on stage when they sing the line about undies in your favorite song. Not that you do it anymore because you did it years ago, but to some people it's giddily new.

But the good part is that you are a naturally curious person, which means you'll always find new and wonderful things to interest you and to be part of. And while you may miss how it used to feel with the old scene, you'll find that kind of home in something else again.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

This is a beautiful and much-appreciated comment. Thank you.

[mundungus42.livejournal.com]

*enormous hugs* You are very very welcome.

Ah, hell...

[thetimesink.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that wonderful bit, damnit.

To everything a season...

...and seasons pass and the karma wheel turns and the sun rises on a new day. For me, the trick is to realize that it is a new day and enjoy the opportunities shown in that sunrise. All too often, I lock into the looking back and ruminating.

...and while not particularly a rockabilly freak, you'll have to pry my Brian Setzer live stuff away with something stronger than a crow bar!

Re: Ah, hell...

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

One of the highlights of my rockabilly years was managing to score two tickets to the Stray Cats one-time memorial reunion show for the Carl Perkins at the House of Blues in LA. It was amazing.

RE: Re: Ah, hell...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_luaineach/]

In 1998?! I was there too! Maybe we stood next to each other at the bar! :)

Re: Re: Ah, hell...

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD HOW AWESOME IS THAT!!!

I wore a purple skirt and a lime green top with a pink neck scarf. =D

[msmitti.livejournal.com]

Everybody has left such great comments and insight. I don't have much to add, but I do know leaving anything with value to you is hard. And the things we attach value to can be a little unexpected. My sympathy while you get through this painful phase of letting go.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[sherwood21.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. Peeling away the layers of things that aren't actively part of our lives anymore hurts and takes time, even if it's what we need to do.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Yep. *sigh*

[seascribe.livejournal.com]

<3 I admire the thoughtfulness you put into choices like the ones you talk about in this post, and the concrete items that go with those choices. I've gotten a lot better about getting rid of stuff that isn't part of my life any more, but reflecting on it and my feelings about it isn't something I really do.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I was never much for introspection like this until the last ten years or so, and then I was kind of forced into it thanks to Life Circumstances. It was a crushingly difficult crash course in emotional maturity, but I appreciate the results.

[kazoogrrl.livejournal.com]

The older I get the more I feel like I'm stripping away parts of myself. Sometimes I turn around and things are gone and I don't even remember getting rid of them. Other times it's incredibly freeing, and sometimes it's a bitter medicine. I walked away from a lifestyle and circle of friends after a break up, not because I didn't still like it and them but I just couldn't be there at that time. I'm still holding onto some mementos as long as they bring up happy memories.

I hope that this purposeful letting go can open up space for new things in your life.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

To you, too, bb. To you, too.

[kazoogrrl.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Oh Goshyes. Those dishes.

Pulling up that scab must hurt a lot, but that glorious scar you have from it will eventually be (and maybe already is) just a shiny bump that you notice occasionally.

I missed you during those years, and I know what you mean about not wanting to revisit even through the music.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

The friend who took them loves them, so there's that.

*hugs*

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

*hugs* back
I'm so glad they will be loved again, they were so pretty.

Everyone has said the loveliest things, like a big soft comforter in words.

[pointoforigin.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this. That is a beautiful personal essay, right there. I am dealing with this a lot since my parents died. Some of their stuff that descended to me is wonderful and has filled a good place in my life. Other stuff still needs to be moved on. I love the idea that letting go is really making room for something good--even if that something is just a sense of peace and ease in your own space.

Thanks for sharing that part of your life, too. I didn't know about your rockabilly past and it makes me admire you all the more as a cool person with such awareness of life and verve in living it! You'll never be boring no matter how many formerly treasured possessions you give away, that's for sure.

[pointoforigin.livejournal.com]

Ack, I mean since my father died and my parents moved. That's a disconcerting Freudian slip. My mother is still alive! I guess it felt as if they'd died when we had to move them out and sell the house.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you. It means a lot when a good writer tells me I've written something good.

Very interesting (and understandable) slip. A whole part of your life died with your dad, and then the moving out of that home...

[write-out.livejournal.com]

What a beautifully written post, seriously. It can be so difficult to part with things that represent such a huge part of your life that no longer exists. Everyone has already said the good stuff that I second. Hugs to you.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Both for understanding and the generous words about my words.

[mckitterick.livejournal.com]

<3

You're a fine writer.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]