1011

[clevermanka]

This morning I had a long, detailed dream about my old place at 1011 Tennessee.

Someone was remodeling it with lots of big, open spaces and a better staircase to the second floor. I was walking around it, feeling so much happiness about moving back in (my old neighbor Smirl was moving back upstairs, too). I told the guy leading me around that when he was ready to sell it, I wanted to be first to have the option to buy it. The dream went on forever, and even when I knew I should start waking up I stayed in the dream because it felt so damn good to be me in that space again.

I know it wasn't (necessarily) about being in the house again. It was about being back in the body that lived there and having all the options and opportunities that went along with being vibrant and healthy. I went up and down the new staircase multiple times just because I could.

As I came into regular consciousness I felt the transition from happiness and excitement shift to depression. The feeling of disappointment and sadness is so heavy in my chest right now. My throat is tight and I'm ten seconds and a hangnail away from breaking into tears.

That house/apartment never left my heart. I drive by it at least a few times a month and every time I have an emotional surge of "mine." I don't miss a lot of things about it--the lack of laundry facility, the unheated bathroom on my floor that used to be a back porch, no central A/C, the tiny kitchen. Everything else, though--the amount of space that was (mostly) all mine for so long, the location, my awesome upstairs neighbors, the person I was then--the loss of those things are a physical ache.

It's strange to have so much of my identity-memory tied to a physical location eighteen years after I moved out. I feel like I left a lot of myself there when I stupidly moved out for stupid reasons. I would like to be that person again, but there's no getting her back just like there's no getting back into that house (not the one I remember, anyway).

The passage of time and change are inevitable, but they can really suck. 

Comments

[moodsong]

I'm so sorry. *hugs* *tea* *time machine*

[clevermanka]

[ride_4ever]

I understand this so much! I live about a 15-minute drive from a house that I co-owned from 1985-1995, and that I thought would be my home forever. The house I have lived in since then has always felt like a place to stay on the way to somewhere else, but it appears there isn't a somewhere else and there is certainly no going back. *commiserates with you*

[clevermanka]

The house I have lived in since then has always felt like a place to stay on the way to somewhere else, but it appears there isn't a somewhere else and there is certainly no going back.
Yes, exactly. I'm....sorry? that you understand this so well. It's not a fun feeling.

[ride_4ever]

I find it somewhat consoling that I'm not alone in having these kinds of feelings. Hope the feeling-not-alone is of some value to you too.

[clevermanka]

[ride_4ever]

*points to icon*

[seascribble]

Linear time is a bullshit deal. <3

[clevermanka]

[splix]

It's really a mixed blessing to be fully aware of what these dreams and manifestations mean. And it's...that dead-chest feeling of knowing you can't return to what you were, and then knowing you were barely aware of how great it was at the time.... :( It's the human condition, but that doesn't mean it's at all easy. Mega hugs to you.

[clevermanka]

It isn't easy!!! I hate it! At least I can say I loved that part of my life and I knew how good I had it. Even the really shitty bits I wouldn't have traded if I meant I couldn't have what I did. It was seriously #bestlife.

[anarfea]

Awww, I'm so sorry. That sounds really rough. I understand what you mean about missing your past self or feeling like you left part of your identity behind. For me it's my college years. Sometimes I just wish I could go back and be the person I was then.

I hope you feel better. And it's good that you have the memories.

[clevermanka]

I fuckin' treasure those memories! I'm glad you have memories to hold close in hard times, too.

[mrs_d]

Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was going through my old house, too. In my case, it was the house that I grew up in, but it was similar to yours in that I was looking to buy it, and the new owners had done a lot of renovations. What's interesting to me is that I used to have dreams to this effect all the time — and in every one, the house was the same (not the same as it did in real life, but the renovated dream version always looked the same) — but this time it didn't. It was actually very different, and I spent a lot of time in the garage, which had never happened in the dream before.

The dream has stayed with me — I keep thinking about it, seeing it again, and feeling a similar emotional resonance. I want to cry about it, too, even though there was nothing in the dream that was inherently sad....

I don't know what any of that means, but I think it's an odd coincidence, and I do know what you mean when you talk about identity-memory being tied to a certain place. Every time I go by my childhood home, I always think "Mine," too.

[clevermanka]

I don't put a lot on general dream interpretations, but apparently houses/buildings are supposed to represent aspects of the self (your "inner architecture") and yeah that's pretty much spot-on for me in this one, anyway.

[mrs_d]

I'm not into dream interpretation much, either — I used to, when I was a lot younger — but that makes total sense.

[thetimesink]

Ah, hell...

[clevermanka]

[dancing_crow]

I understand that a lot. It feels like only in this house, which was explicitly temporary, have i stopped looking back to childhood houses that were so much nicer... I miss parts of them, accesses and affordances that this house does not have.

Eh. tl;dr - I'm always living in the last house

[clevermanka]

I'm always living in the last house

Now there's a metaphor, eh?

The revisiting does hurt

[redheadfae]

I remember you there, and it, and I have that same "that was me" about 1345 Penn and you-know-who. I longed for that "place across the street" with the lovely wrap-around porch and French doors leading out to it. I remember my excitement when it came up for rent, and figuring out we could afford it. I avoid driving by even the general neighborhood, for the longing it creates.
I can only imagine that Tenn place redone, it was a Grand House.

I don't have dreams about the house, but in any dreams I'm partnered up, it's always him. I wish I'd known enough to stick around and be there for him, instead of being scared he was going to drag me under with him. I didn't know how strong I really was.


I truly hope that someday we both have a place that gives us a sense of home as we are in that time/space, and not feeling that we're making do with the space we have.

Re: The revisiting does hurt

[clevermanka]

Yes, I would love so much for both of us to be Home again.

I think about how we were then A LOT. And I think, despite all the shitty mistakes we made, we really were living maybe not our best but our truest lives during that period. Gods, we were amazing, weren't we? I don't think that's nostalgia or putting a rosy spin on it. It really was fucking magical.

Re: The revisiting does hurt

[redheadfae]

It was! As in, how I managed to believe in manifesting enough to dive into a trip to Maui for a dance retreat and then putter around the island solo for three days, trusting the Universe and Pele. And we went to Tribalfest, which despite allergy yucks, was amazing. By the Goddess, I traveled so much back then on a fraction of the income I've had in recent years.

I know we had a core group of friends (women) with a common interest, too, that's supposed to be healthy. I don't have that...for years now.

I've been wondering if getting back to actually staying in my old mystical ways would make this life better.

Re: The revisiting does hurt

[clevermanka]

Having a local network of a variety of friends does help. Ironically, chronic illness is incredibly isolating. I don't have the energy to maintain those kinds of friendships anymore, much less re-build a network like that from scratch.

I wonder about delving back into witchy stuff again every once in a while, just for the comfort and structure.

Re: The revisiting does hurt

[redheadfae]

I'm in for joining you with trying it again, and open to any other local friends you have for perhaps a monthly "do something" or even "talk about something." You know I have a nive LR set up for chats, and lots of back deck space for Spring

You know, now that I look back at the era, we had very little social media to distract us, so we did have to actually see each other.. what, it was BBs and then LJ and ...lol...yahoogroups.

I read my first couple months entries from Ole LJ...holy sheet, we were doing a LOT back then!

Re: The revisiting does hurt

[clevermanka]

I thought about this a LOT and I just don't think I can commit to something terribly regular. =( I can barely bring myself to get out of the house for social stuff as it is. Maybe if you're looking at something quarterly, though?

WE WERE SO BUSY =D

Re: The revisiting does hurt

[redheadfae]

I understand. I started going to an "older Goddess" type gathering once a month, but kind of haven't made it back due to health/weather. In fact, I overdid yesterday and had to bow out of the accessory exchange. Maybe the one in April will be easier.
Quarterly on the solstice/equinox (in general) or other witchy times would be cool.

[write_out]

Big, big hugs. I hear you, I really do.

[clevermanka]