clevermanka | Wednesday Update

doc_paradise posted a link to this article about chronic, passive suicidal ideation. Obviously you shouldn't read this article if you're barely holding on these days, but as

doc_paradise said, "I haven't seen many posts talking about this but I think it is something worth talking about."

I replied to the post:

I haven't wanted to be alive for about...three years? maybe a little longer? I vacillate between Actively Hoping for Death and Merely Wishing To Not Be Alive. My best days are the ones where I'm not disappointed that I woke up that morning--the ones where I have only a sense of mild annoyance that I'm still here, still (barely) functioning.

And I know this isn't going to change unless my health improves significantly. Improves to a point that I honestly can't even see from here.

I won't kill myself--I know how sad and pissed off my friends would be and I will never put them through that unless things get so so SO much worse than they are.

But as far as being excited to be alive, not having that feeling of "gosh wouldn't it be great to just not wake up in the morning" no, I don't even remember how that feels.

And it's not something I think about unless it's pointed out to me. It's just my life. *shrug*

Keep on keeping on. Chop wood, carry water.

I don't say this to garner sympathy or encouragement or anything (in fact, please...just don't). It's very nice of people to say those things, and it might make you feel better, but it doesn't help me (it actually kind of annoys me). I know I'm awesome, I know I'm smart, and I know I'm valuable. None of those things make me more interested in my slog of an existence. Someday that might change. It might not. And, in my experience, very little of that change is under my control.

I say this for the other people who live in this same, sad ocean. Those of us who've been treading water for so long we've stopped watching for a raft. We might be tired, we might be salty, but we're here and we're not alone.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This is also me, low-key. I've lost the zest almost altogether. Not that there aren't things and people that make me happy, but it's just a constant sub-aural hum of totally being fine with never waking up again.

I feel you.

I should add that I am building an exit strategy with someone I trust completely if/when my illness is too much to manage. There's something reassuring about that.

I'm so glad you have that support. I think about you often.

I'm really glad to hear that.

Thank you for posting the link and your thoughts. I relate a lot! I usually talk about this feeling I have-- just waiting until I die of natural causes, because suicide is not an option-- in terms of the "long suicide." It feels validating and connective to see other people writing about this experience too. <3

This quote: “Suicidality exists on a continuum and frankly, we’re all on that continuum somewhere” really stuck out to me as the kind of mental health conversation I want to see more of in the world.

I mentioned this in the comments on cm.net, so I'll share it here as well. I had a conversation yesterday in my office with someone about how once a significant portion of the population is operating under some sort of mental illness/distress (I would say 10% is generous) it shouldn't any longer be attributed to a personal issue. It must be recognized as a systemic, societal problem. And that's just...not happening in most places.

Yes, exactly this!!

Thank you for sharing that article. I completely agree that this is worthy of discussion. I need to read it, but fear it will hit very close to home so I'll save the link for a wee bit longer.

Someday that might change. It might not. And, in my experience, very little of that change is under my control.

Ain't that the brutal truth...

HUGS HUGS

you're fierce, and spiffy, and i fistvump you from the grey sea of fuckit.

Thanks for sharing the link. I found it... comforting, I guess is the word I want.

Thank you for posting this. I really super don't relate, myself, but there are people I love who *do* feel this to some degree or another, so I've gotta figure out how to respectfully cope.

Thank you for being a support person. I'm glad the article could help you (and maybe those you support!).

Maybe I'll get to being a better support person soon. Right now my focus is "don't start weeping and protesting, you silly rabbit, let them be validated."

I've felt this way for most of the time since I was about 12. I'm currently doing pretty okay, thanks to a combination of meds and therapy, but things were pretty touch and go for a while over the last couple of years. And it's really hard because I don't know how to talk about it because despite the near constant suicidal ideation I don't actually think I'm a danger to myself and I don't want to frighten my friends and family. Like yes, my depression is real, and it hurts, but you don't need to think that I'm going to off myself tomorrow because history shows that I will most likely keep hanging on. I brought it up to my husband because he was not super supportive of me going on medication and I tried to explain that at that point I truly felt like it was a life or death decision for me. I still think that I might not be here if I hadn't gone on anti-depressants, and even medicated I'm still depressed, though the suicidal thoughts have mostly gone away.

Anyway, yeah, this article really resonated with me. I wish that we could talk about this kind of suicideality, which is not like, I need an intervention now, but which is just this ever-present companion to long term major depression. Because it's hard to be dealing with these feelings alone, but no one wants to be a burden or frighten their family and friends.

Also I feel bad because I know that you and Splix have chronic health conditions that justify feeling indifferent to life whereas I "just" suffer from mental illness. I have objectively quite a good life. I have a loving husband, a decent paying job, loads of online friends if not so many meatspace ones. I feel like there's no reason for me to wake up and think "gee if I died I wouldn't have to go into work" but there we are. I just have some really faulty brain chemistry and have had it for a really long time. I attempted suicide at twelve but even before then I think I was always a sad child. And I've grown into a depressed adult.

I also live in the hope of things being better and in my case it's a very real possibility, or at least my shrink promises me that some combination of medications will work for me and that I will get better. And I have been in remission in the past, so I know that is possible, it's just that unfortunately the combination of meds I was on no longer works and I may have to increase some dosages.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I empathize, and if you ever want to have a low-key conversation about suicideality with someone who won't freak out I'm here to listen.

Yep. *solidarity fistbump*

I can say with absolute assurance that you should not at all feel bad for feeling this way. Brains are an organ in our body just like *handwaves at all the other body parts* and you absolutely have the right to feel shitty. I know you know this intellectually, but I hope that helps send the message to your emotional self. Hugs hugs hugs.

Will absolutely reach out if I need, and please do the same if you need.

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