clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2019-05-03 11:05 am
clevermanka) wrote2019-05-03 11:05 am
Entry tags:
Angst overdose
Two mornings in a row I've been awake at 4am and unable to fall back asleep soooooo I'm not sure if party-crashing the grad student cook-out tonight is gonna happen. Maybe my afternoon nap will help.
Yesterday I skipped the lunch nap to continue going through the 镇魂 (Guardian) tag on Tumblr. Hundreds of pages later, I have a hair under 200 posts queued for the 5/20 Guardian Fandom Exchange day. I didn't feel safe signing up for an exchange but boy can I spam Tumblr! I also made a YouTube playlist which is mostly overwrought or anthemic (or both) angst (my fave!) and a couple lighter pieces so it's not too terribly grim. I'll post the link to that along with a Tumblr link on the Monday of the exchange.
I've started hearing lovely things from faculty as well as students as my exit date approaches. Yesterday was the department event for recognizing faculty promotions, retirees, graduating grad students, and...me. Since I am made deeply uncomfortable by public thanks, I skipped it. But my graduate director sent me a transcript of what she said:
So…. for the past 3 nights I have had terrible nightmares that all involve packing. In one, I am supposed to be leaving for college, and my bag is too small; I can only fit in 3 sweatshirts, 1 pair of sweatpants, and 1 pair of jeans, and I can’t figure out how to get my dresses, shoes, or summer clothes in. In another, I am supposed to pack up my entire apartment, but can’t find any boxes. And in the 3rd, I’m in the middle of packing, when I suddenly realize that I haven’t enrolled in classes, which start the next day. And the wi-fi isn’t working so I can’t figure out where the classes I need to take will meet. And I’m in some sort of castle. And the whole department is there, with people saying, “Come on, the bus is here! It’s time! Do you know it’s right next to Orlando?” [What is “IT”???] It took me until this afternoon, when I sat down to put some words on paper for Manka (she used my real name, but let's keep the conceit shall we), that I realized what these dreams were really about: the anxiety generated by the idea of someone packing up and leaving. And not being ready for her to go.
Clever Manka has been an excellent graduate secretary, and I don’t know how I would have survived the past 7 years without her assistance. That assistance, for me, included her wicked sense of humor in cases where the atmosphere had become very tense; her odd assortment of movie and K-Pop music suggestions; her passing me safety pins for malfunctioning undergarments or eyedrops for my allergy-tormented eyes; and her righteous indignation, on numerous occasions, on behalf of the grad students.
Oh! and—when my son was younger, keeping him occupied by giving him hours of shredding, or tackling him to the ground in the most effective lesson on not sneaking up on people that he has ever had.
Even when she was only in the office a few days a week, and on half-days, I had the utmost confidence that she would take care of the details necessary to make sure that student exams and defenses and Graduate Admissions and Graduate Committee meetings got scheduled, that faculty who were not responding to email would be tracked down and cornered; that policies that were not working in students’ favor would be questioned and challenged; that students would get the correct information for applying to the graduate program, for enrolling in classes, for registering for the right number of credits, or for graduating in time; in short, to ensure that the grad program ran smoothly and efficiently.
It is painful to see her go. I wish she could be here for us to toast all her years of dedicated service, but she is painfully shy about public acknowledgment. Still, I ask that we give her a round of applause, and that you raise your glasses in tribute later in the evening.
Yesterday I skipped the lunch nap to continue going through the 镇魂 (Guardian) tag on Tumblr. Hundreds of pages later, I have a hair under 200 posts queued for the 5/20 Guardian Fandom Exchange day. I didn't feel safe signing up for an exchange but boy can I spam Tumblr! I also made a YouTube playlist which is mostly overwrought or anthemic (or both) angst (my fave!) and a couple lighter pieces so it's not too terribly grim. I'll post the link to that along with a Tumblr link on the Monday of the exchange.
I've started hearing lovely things from faculty as well as students as my exit date approaches. Yesterday was the department event for recognizing faculty promotions, retirees, graduating grad students, and...me. Since I am made deeply uncomfortable by public thanks, I skipped it. But my graduate director sent me a transcript of what she said:
So…. for the past 3 nights I have had terrible nightmares that all involve packing. In one, I am supposed to be leaving for college, and my bag is too small; I can only fit in 3 sweatshirts, 1 pair of sweatpants, and 1 pair of jeans, and I can’t figure out how to get my dresses, shoes, or summer clothes in. In another, I am supposed to pack up my entire apartment, but can’t find any boxes. And in the 3rd, I’m in the middle of packing, when I suddenly realize that I haven’t enrolled in classes, which start the next day. And the wi-fi isn’t working so I can’t figure out where the classes I need to take will meet. And I’m in some sort of castle. And the whole department is there, with people saying, “Come on, the bus is here! It’s time! Do you know it’s right next to Orlando?” [What is “IT”???] It took me until this afternoon, when I sat down to put some words on paper for Manka (she used my real name, but let's keep the conceit shall we), that I realized what these dreams were really about: the anxiety generated by the idea of someone packing up and leaving. And not being ready for her to go.
Clever Manka has been an excellent graduate secretary, and I don’t know how I would have survived the past 7 years without her assistance. That assistance, for me, included her wicked sense of humor in cases where the atmosphere had become very tense; her odd assortment of movie and K-Pop music suggestions; her passing me safety pins for malfunctioning undergarments or eyedrops for my allergy-tormented eyes; and her righteous indignation, on numerous occasions, on behalf of the grad students.
Oh! and—when my son was younger, keeping him occupied by giving him hours of shredding, or tackling him to the ground in the most effective lesson on not sneaking up on people that he has ever had.
Even when she was only in the office a few days a week, and on half-days, I had the utmost confidence that she would take care of the details necessary to make sure that student exams and defenses and Graduate Admissions and Graduate Committee meetings got scheduled, that faculty who were not responding to email would be tracked down and cornered; that policies that were not working in students’ favor would be questioned and challenged; that students would get the correct information for applying to the graduate program, for enrolling in classes, for registering for the right number of credits, or for graduating in time; in short, to ensure that the grad program ran smoothly and efficiently.
It is painful to see her go. I wish she could be here for us to toast all her years of dedicated service, but she is painfully shy about public acknowledgment. Still, I ask that we give her a round of applause, and that you raise your glasses in tribute later in the evening.
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You have had (and I suspect will continue to have) a seriously positive effect on people!
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