Moving on

[clevermanka]

Thank you to everyone who offered condolences on Tuesday's post. I'm not up for responding, but I appreciate them.

Don't get me wrong, not getting the job sucks. Not getting an interview is worse. But not even having someone contact me to say I didn't get an interview? Intolerable.

Realistically, is there a chance someone else might do a better job than me in that position? Sure. Do I disagree with that assessment? Absolutely. Could politics have played a role? Definitely. But part of me (a large part) knew it was coming. I knew it as soon as I heard a member of the college would be on the hiring committee. I didn't have a good feeling about it and my intuition is rarely wrong.

What really hurts is that nobody told me. Not a single person on that hiring committee (or the rest of the staff if they were in the know) had the guts to contact me and say "look I'm real sorry but head's up..." Nope. Not a peep from the people I served for nearly two decades.

And I get confidentiality issues, I do. I proudly wore the title of Secretary for nineteen years because I am the best secret-keeper you'll ever meet and I guarded student and staff personal information like I would my own. But on two occasions I did violate the confidentiality of the admissions committee to tell an internal applicant their admissions decision before notice went from the graduate school. In both cases I considered the applicant (one of our current students) a friend and I held their trust and mental health higher than a confidentiality clause.

The fact that nobody on that hiring committee bothered to do the same for me was a betrayal. Especially the chair. May I just mention, I'm the one who consoled her when KU cut my job in 2018? Yes, seriously. I held her hand in her office while she cried and I told her it was okay, that I'd be okay. And still she made me be the one to ask her what was up. The reason she gave for responding to my email, 24 hours after I sent it? The applicant they'd offered the position accepted the job.

Wow.

The past 18 months have done a number on my already-existent trust issues, let me tell you.

And I'm tired. I'm tired of my life getting shittier. The last time I was overall happy with my life, not just a couple aspects of it, was 1997. Nearly half my life ago. There've been upward bumps here and there, but on the whole it's been a downward trajectory--mentally, physically, financially. Not being melodramatic, that's just reality.

To be clear, I don't expect my life to be wonderful again. Nothing like chronic illness to take that notion away from a girl. But I've got to at least even things out to a horizontal line or my last couple decades are gonna be rough. I need a big change. So unless something miraculously amazing drops into my lap and soon, I'm out of here. LFK and I had a good run but I think it's time for me to move on. Which also means leaving Kansas because no way am I relocating anywhere else in this hellstate.

So this charming space I've secured for myself is just a stopping point. I'm not gonna paint the walls, I'm not gonna finish setting up the studio, I'm not even putting together the rest of my bed. I'll use up or shed what I can of all the things I've accumulated over the last two and a half decades and figure out how start over elsewhere.

I have no clue how a disabled (but not disabled enough for disability!), middle-aged woman who's been unemployed for over a year is going to get a job at this point but I guess we'll find out!

I'd say wish me luck, but...yeah. Ha! Ha ha! Wish me fortitude, instead. Wish me courage and stamina and a moderately functioning brain. Send me any secretarial job leads you might stumble across, or connections you might have. Or advice. And I'm completely open to any and all locations (with a strong preference for weed-legal states).

And once we get a widely-distributed vaccine, wish me the ability to access it as well as someone hot to absolutely rail me into oblivion.

Comments

[moodsong]

Good luck.

I will again suggest that you set up a patreon so that everybody who has benefited from your writing, site management, emotional support, and emotional labour have a means to give back to you.

[clevermanka]

That means relying on other people tho! *arches and hisses like an angry cat*

Seriously, though, I already have a Paypal link on cm.net and occasionally someone drops me $10 or $20. I don't see how Patreon would be better--in fact don't they take a cut?

[moodsong]

I see it as getting paid for your work.

PayPal also takes a cut.

[clevermanka]

It...shouldn't? It never has on the ones I've gotten or sent, anyway. As long as I click "send to a friend" and not "pay for services" it doesn't take a percentage. *knock wood* I guess.

eta: And I still don't think/see how setting up a Patreon would encourage people to donate when the donate button on the site is already right there.

[moodsong]

It is easier for me to do it through patreon. I don't have to remember or go out of my way to figure how to manage repeat payments. PayPal has given me problems over the years (I think I might be locked out now) by wanting my bank information (no) and repeatedly losing my password and throwing hurdles in my way in making international payments. I have no idea if mine actually works right now.

[moodsong]

And you've said over the years that all the money in your top jar is going only to the site fees an not to pay you for your work.

I didn't remember seeing the tip jar on your site recently so I went and looked. On my phone it is at the very bottom after all the links to archived past posts. I haven't looked there in a long time. It also says money goes to guest writers.

I'm not saying patreon is the only way to go or that it doesn't have problems... but the way you are doing tips right now is actively discouraging tips.

[clevermanka]

Hmmmm, okay all these are things I hadn't considered. Thank you for pointing them out. I don't think more than two or three people have donated this year so perhaps you're not the only one having problems.

Let me think about what sort of spoons I'll need to set up a Patreon. Although I certainly don't expect donations to pay for more than the occasional dinner out*... I feel like a lot of us are tapped out these days.

* Ha ha ha when that can happen again

[shipperslist]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've seen things like that happen to my friends and the sheer rudeness of how things are handled with people who have been excellent in their jobs and who have been the pillars of their work community. How the people in power pretty much piss on them and ignore all basic human decency. FFS how hard it is to NOT be a dick? Apparently too hard for too many people.

About being happy. I think our society (and the American society even more) puts too much weight on happiness. I mean, it's nice to be happy but I guess I'd rather be content. I feel like that's a lot more stable place to be. So, I wish you strength and perseverance and hope you'll find contentment in your life.

[clevermanka]

Good point about the term "happy." Happy/satisfied/content all have the same nebulous meaning to me. It's an emotional experience based on a combination of feeling safe and fulfilled. Constant joy is impossible and that's certainly not what I'm aiming for.

To me, being overall happy just means living a life where I don't wake with a sense of dread or despair more often than not, where I do feel like I have some control over myself and my surroundings. That's...pretty much it. Doesn't seem like a tall order but I haven't felt that way in a long time.

Not a fan.

[ride_4ever]

That was an alarming moment when I read your "I'm out of here" remark within the larger context of all these travails...but on further reading I realized you meant it as relocating to live elsewhere and seek work elsewhere...and I believe that your having the thought to wish for fortitude, courage, stamina, and good brain function shows that those things actually exist within you, and that you can find places outside Kansas that will mesh better with the kinds of paths you want your life to take.

[clevermanka]

Whoops! Sorry about that. I've loved Lawrence for a long time but it seems like a sorta one-sided relationship these days.

[trobadora]

*hugs*

Good luck, and fortitude, and everything else! *more hugs*

[clevermanka]

Thank you.

[umadoshi]

The reason she gave for responding to my email, 24 hours after I sent it? The applicant they'd offered the position accepted the job.

*angry-cat hiss*

You know I wish you all the good things--luck and fortitude, indeed, and also contentment and an epically well-suited bed partner. *hugs* (I want to be all "come to Canada!", but I know that's complicated and difficult. >.<)

[clevermanka]

I've got at least two (possibly as many as four) people in Canada I trust enough to help me get on feet there. If I had the sort of specialized job training that simplifies obtaining a work visa I'd be there as soon as the border opens.

[amara1783]

💞💞💞

[clevermanka]

😚😚😚

[doctorskuld]

Wow, that super sucks, I'm so, so sorry. *hugs*

[clevermanka]

It really really does, thank you.

[naye]

Jesus fuck I missed this on Tuesday and I am sorry I wasn't there with sympathies. Do you want me to write someone's name on a rock and throw it in the polluted silt at the bottom of the local river? Because I will.

♥FORTITUDE♥

[clevermanka]

You know what? I'm emailing you because Yes I Am Just That Petty.

[naye]

I will not throw it in a pretty part of the river and I *will* take pictures.

[naye]

Also let me know if you have any idea where I've gotten the idea because it feels like something one ought to do but I can't think of where I might have seen it.

[clevermanka]

I don't know, but it does feel like it would be very therapeutic. Like, "I cannot actually dunk you in the river but BITCH IF I COULD..."

[naye]

Definitely this is one for the polluted silt river...

[umadoshi]

<3 <3 <3

[nnozomi]

Wishing you love and all fortitude and admiring your resilience.
(If you need a little bit of pin money in passing, I can recommend a couple of places where you can do English-teaching type online work--all text-based, no real-time interaction, no geographical restrictions. Possibly not your thing but let me know if you get curious.)
I thought of you when lighting yesterday's Friday candle. Take good care ♡

[clevermanka]

Thank you for the candle! I shall certainly keep the offer in mind, much appreciated. I'm not hard up for money in the moment (thankfully) but the current situation is not tenable long-term. And eventually I'm gonna need health insurance again...

[riventhorn]

Definitely wishing you fortitude. I was also struck by how impolite people could be during my last job hunt--and it's even worse when they actually know you. I had at least two instances where I had an interview and then they just never contacted me again. Like, it's basic politeness to let someone know they didn't get the job.

And yeah, I hate how in our society you are expected to push on through all mental and physical disabilities unless they meet a narrow criteria just so you can have a decent life and enough money to get by on. I mean, I like having meaningful work to do, but it sure can be rough to do it 40 hours a week. The whole enshrining of the 40 hour work week makes me want to rip something into bloody shreds and scream in frustration. Flexibility, less time trapped in an office--it would be so wonderful. And while self-employment can bring flexibility, it comes with its own host of problems.

[clevermanka]

I've worked with the public enough that I no longer expect politeness from strangers. Wish it were otherwise, but it is what it is and eh. This, though? This? Oh hell no, sister. Done with you, dead to me, etc. etc.

And yeah, for some of us self-employment isn't even an option. There's nothing in that arena I'm capable of doing in sufficient quantity that would pay me enough to live and afford insurance.

Capitalism suuuuuuuuucks.

[goss]

*hugs hugs hugs*

[clevermanka]

Thank you, bb.

[wrote_and_writ]

Courage, friend.

[clevermanka]

Back at you, bb.

[unrelaxing]

I'm so sorry about this whole experience <3. I wish you fortitude, and a light at the end of the tunnel that makes it all worth it.

[clevermanka]

Yeah, it was a shitty gut punch in an already pretty shitty year (and a half). DOGS YES please let there be something even moderately worth it at some point.

[seascribble]

I'm sorry, friend. You sound ready to handle shit though, as you always do. Big hugs.

[clevermanka]

LOL I'm glad I sound like it! It sometimes doesn't feel so from here. Hugs back.

[khellekson]

Oh wow, there's no betrayal like a chair betrayal. And knowing the chair (whom I like and who is a fan and who is an all-around good egg, or so I thought) makes me feel even worse about all this.

You are now on my list of "send a job opportunity her way" when I see them through the university system here. I can't imagine you'd want to relocate here, but, well, weed is legal, and housing hasn't gotten TOO insanely expensive lately, despite all the relocations from rich telecommuters to the prettier tourist towns.

Don't give up prematurely on your surroundings! It's important for you to have a physical space where you feel complete.

Hugs and luck and wishes and more hugs.

[clevermanka]

whom I like and who is a fan and who is an all-around good egg, or so I thought
Right? RIGHT???

Thank you for the job postings. At this point I'm willing to move anywhere, weather be damned. I'd rather deal with external inconveniences than the constant internal turmoil of wondering when I'll see someone else who fucked me over on a walk around downtown.

And I do love my little space, here, don't get me wrong! But I'm not making any changes/improvements that I can't take with me or make it more difficult to leave.

[tinny]

I am so sorry. Those people are assholes.

I'd say... do yourself a favor and finish setting up your bed? (Assuming that doesn't need remodeling or something.) The rest of the apartment, yeah, you've moved in there with the knowledge that you won't stay there long.

I wish you all the best so you can make your life better again. <3

[clevermanka]

If I think there's a chance of someone joining me in the bed before I move, I might. 😄 It does kinda require two people, though, so it'll be a while before I attempt it anyway.

[brandywine28]

I can't imagine having the power to ease someone's mind by saying a single lousy sentence and then just...not saying it.

Wishing you ALL the fortitude!

[clevermanka]

Right? Like I mentioned in an email to someone, this shows a huge discrepancy in our values and basically I think her values suck.

[write_out]

What really hurts is that nobody told me. Not a single person on that hiring committee (or the rest of the staff if they were in the know) had the guts to contact me and say "look I'm real sorry but head's up..." Nope. Not a peep from the people I served for nearly two decades.

So, that? ^^^^ ENRAGES me. There are established relationships and long histories here and I am astounded that you didn't receive any consideration or respect here. That chair can go screw and so can everyone else involved in the process.

Wishing you all the courage and stamina and opportunities for both suitable employment and hardcore railing.

[clevermanka]

I wish I was astounded, but after working in academia so long I'm just disappointed and angry.