clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2021-02-19 08:56 am
clevermanka) wrote2021-02-19 08:56 am
Friday
Fanmade promo posters for the show we should have had.
This was the first morning in a long time--months and months--that I couldn't bring myself to get dressed. It's not just depression, bc lbr I'm depressed as fuck and have been for A While. But after brushing my teeth, braiding my hair, and making my tea I simply couldn't manage to change out of my pajamas. Ah, executive dysfunction. Good times. I'll regret it in an hour or so because my knit pajama pants aren't nearly as warm as my usual double-layers of leggings topped by leg warmers and skirt but that's a problem for Later Me. For now I'm sitting in a sunbeam with my mermaid lap blanket.
I went to bed last night with a slight headache, and that's still lingering a bit, so I'm sure that's contributing to my mental fatigue.
A friend emailed me last night. He lives in Kansas City, MO, about 45 minutes from me, and just received his second COVID vaccination. He's a couple years younger than me and works for the city but it's not like he's a first-responder or in healthcare. Just a regular citizen who managed to get vaccinated. Meanwhile in Kansas there's still not even a way for me to register for an eventual vaccination. States Rights, jesus fucking christ. The broken-ness of the governing systems in the US never fails to enrage me, even though it doesn't surprise anymore.
Condolences and sympathy to my friends here who are currently suffering under similarly broken governments.
Ugh, this is all depressing as hell. I kinda feel like I shouldn't post it but... *shrugs*
Engagement on DW is dwindling and that adds another layer of sadness and stress on me. This style of interaction is vastly more comfortable for me than Twitter. I don't even try to communicate with people on Tumblr outside of private messages. *shudder* Emails and phone calls are coming slower and more sparse these days, too. It makes sense that people are starting to withdraw more, worn down by the exhausting price of merely existing in the world these days. It's just unfortunate (but inextricable) that I'm also needing more contact with people than I would in normal conditions.
I spent nearly two hours on one phone call with a friend the other day. Two hours! Unreal. I don't think I've spent two hours on a single phone call in my entire life. We kinda ran out of things to say and I had to pee so that was that, but I didn't really want to let go. One of the (several) things I dislike about phone calls is the inability to sit in companionable silence until another topic pops into someone's brain. If a pause goes on too long, things feel awkward and pointless. Long-distance conversations exhaust me in additional ways that in-person ones don't, but they're necessary for my mental health. Even though I dread the idea of them, I crave them (and video calls, which I'm slowly acclimating to). So many inconsistencies, dichotomies, and contradictions. The necessity of accepting these conflicting needs and determining which needs I must prioritize, and when, how, and with whom, certainly is interesting.
I'll be so fucking glad when this learning experience wraps up.
This was the first morning in a long time--months and months--that I couldn't bring myself to get dressed. It's not just depression, bc lbr I'm depressed as fuck and have been for A While. But after brushing my teeth, braiding my hair, and making my tea I simply couldn't manage to change out of my pajamas. Ah, executive dysfunction. Good times. I'll regret it in an hour or so because my knit pajama pants aren't nearly as warm as my usual double-layers of leggings topped by leg warmers and skirt but that's a problem for Later Me. For now I'm sitting in a sunbeam with my mermaid lap blanket.
I went to bed last night with a slight headache, and that's still lingering a bit, so I'm sure that's contributing to my mental fatigue.
A friend emailed me last night. He lives in Kansas City, MO, about 45 minutes from me, and just received his second COVID vaccination. He's a couple years younger than me and works for the city but it's not like he's a first-responder or in healthcare. Just a regular citizen who managed to get vaccinated. Meanwhile in Kansas there's still not even a way for me to register for an eventual vaccination. States Rights, jesus fucking christ. The broken-ness of the governing systems in the US never fails to enrage me, even though it doesn't surprise anymore.
Condolences and sympathy to my friends here who are currently suffering under similarly broken governments.
Ugh, this is all depressing as hell. I kinda feel like I shouldn't post it but... *shrugs*
Engagement on DW is dwindling and that adds another layer of sadness and stress on me. This style of interaction is vastly more comfortable for me than Twitter. I don't even try to communicate with people on Tumblr outside of private messages. *shudder* Emails and phone calls are coming slower and more sparse these days, too. It makes sense that people are starting to withdraw more, worn down by the exhausting price of merely existing in the world these days. It's just unfortunate (but inextricable) that I'm also needing more contact with people than I would in normal conditions.
I spent nearly two hours on one phone call with a friend the other day. Two hours! Unreal. I don't think I've spent two hours on a single phone call in my entire life. We kinda ran out of things to say and I had to pee so that was that, but I didn't really want to let go. One of the (several) things I dislike about phone calls is the inability to sit in companionable silence until another topic pops into someone's brain. If a pause goes on too long, things feel awkward and pointless. Long-distance conversations exhaust me in additional ways that in-person ones don't, but they're necessary for my mental health. Even though I dread the idea of them, I crave them (and video calls, which I'm slowly acclimating to). So many inconsistencies, dichotomies, and contradictions. The necessity of accepting these conflicting needs and determining which needs I must prioritize, and when, how, and with whom, certainly is interesting.
I'll be so fucking glad when this learning experience wraps up.
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*sends hugs your way*
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Thank you for the hugs, friend. Back at you.
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*hugs*
Vaccines cannot come soon enough.
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the inability to sit in companionable silence until another topic pops into someone's brain.
*nodsnods* That's so true. The lack of visual cues is tricky for me too, and...whatever it is that, when you're physically in the same space as someone, lets you know that they're probably about to say something, so there's less of the awkward "talking slightly over each other for a moment" thing. (I used to be okay at phone calls with friends, but lack of practice over the years has made it significantly harder.)
I'll be so fucking glad when this learning experience wraps up.
*fervent* YES.
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YES EXACTLY. And also, I'm very tactile with my close friends so in those moments of non-talk I would often lay my head on their shoulder or their lap, or maybe rub our heads together. The complete absence of that soft, silent communication is kind of killing me.
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I prefer DW interaction too. Every time I try something else I'm just glad I don't have to depend on it and DW is still here. (Not going anywhere!)
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This. I'm liking Twitter more, but it's not as intimate. I feel like I'm talking too loud in a small coffee shop.
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Meanwhile, if your computer is working again we can zoom sometime.
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to sit in companionable silence until another topic pops into someone's brain
OMG yes VISCERAL longing for this - I want the ability to somehow over the internet do the equivalent of curling up purring in someone's lap, or headbutting them affectionately, without it having to be an interaction in a more formal sense. Because sometimes I am literally too tired or out of it or whatever to handle that, but I want to just sort of quietly hang out with everyone and show them affection.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it. I'm glad you posted this. 💖💞✨
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(I don't love social video calls but now I'm like... What if we just turned cameras on and mikes off as we were doing laptop stuff, using chat only unless a conversation got naturally absorbing? What if we just waved to each other every now and again and then logged off?)
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A sort of virtual stitch and bitch, only not knitting has definite appeal. Would you be opposed to people who wanted to chat having that option, with no judgement on people who didn't?
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Would you be opposed to people who wanted to chat having that option, with no judgement on people who didn't?
Not opposed at all! Important to be able to have both - but definitely to not make people feel like It Is Now Discussion O'Clock, Please Participate. I just like the idea of having a little window where I can See Friends without having to Be Social With Friends.
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Yes. Yes yes yes.
It comforts me that there's more of us out there, who enjoy (and maybe need) that easy, casual physical affection between close friends.
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I went to bed last night with a slight headache, and that's still lingering a bit, so I'm sure that's contributing to my mental fatigue.
...yup. I have one of those hot eucalyptus-smelling sticker things...I don't know what they're called...on the back of my neck right now for this same exact reason and it is surprisingly helpful and soothing, if that's something you can get hold of online etc. (obviously not for today...).
One of the (several) things I dislike about phone calls is the inability to sit in companionable silence until another topic pops into someone's brain.
Oh yes. We need better phone (and brain) technology to make this kind of connection happen, like a little open window that can just be left that way...
*hugs*
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Yeah... the Guardian fandom was a wonderfully active hub, but it can't last forever. The gravitation towards twitter has never been my thing, alas. But I guess there will be some who'll stay here, and we'll make the best of it. *hugs*
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