Wednesday

[clevermanka]

In an effort to manage/escape from Constant Crushing Depression, I've resumed my old sitting practice. I've missed only one day this month, so I'm counting that as a big win. The distractions/brain weasels are stronger than they ever have been, but that's okay. I'm sitting and breathing for ten minutes every day, reminding myself that all I need to do right then is be there. Just there. Sit and breathe, sit and breathe. By the end of the sit I'm starting to feel a bit of muscle fatigue which is worrying. You'd think with all the PT I'd have build up some stamina, but it seems my body isn't interested in building itself up any more than my brain is.

I traced last week's descent into Hell Spiral to the overexertion of (slowly, cautiously) shoveling snow for a whopping fifteen minutes last Tuesday. The adrenaline high immediately followed by physical fatigue and then slowly-developing debilitating depression that finally started to lift after a week, yep. Check, check, check.

So I made an appointment with my PCP just to get it in my file that I am back to the level of unhealth I was when I took all my work leave back in 2017. When (god, please, when) I'm able to get a job again, if it turns out I'm not physically capable of performing it, I don't want all this coming out of nowhere. It was more than a little depressing to be like "I cannot afford to do anything about this problem, I just need to protect myself for later" but she agreed it was a good idea. Yay?

Comments

[shipperslist]

Just sitting and breathing and being there sounds like a very good practice, I'm sorry it leaves you wiped out. And while getting your situation filed might sound depressing at the moment, I agree that it's the sensible thing to do.

[clevermanka]

Fortunately the sitting doesn't exactly wipe me out. I'm just aware that it's more physical work than it used to be (and a lot more work than I'm happy about it being, sighhhhh).

[minoanmiss]

*reads and sends encouraging vibes*

[clevermanka]

Thank you.

[wrote_and_writ]

*lights a candle for you*

[clevermanka]

Much appreciated.

[naye]

I'm glad to know you're sitting and breathing. And doing hard but necessary things. *hugs*

[clevermanka]

I might not be able to do anything else, but damn it I can sit and breathe.

And I managed to make it through the appointment without crying! 👍 My voice started to shake at one point but the doctor was patient and didn't rush me.

[elayna]

I've tried to sit quietly and meditate...my orange tabby always runs over and headbutts me! If I am still, I must be wanting to pet him, he thinks.

I'm glad you're taking steps to protect your future. I hope things improve. *hugs*

[clevermanka]

Kitties are definitely considerable (but cute!) obstacles to uninterrupted meditation.

Here's to improvement for both of us, hell yes please.

[trobadora]

*hugs*

[clevermanka]

Thank you.

[goss]

It is good that you are keeping a medical file to track and document what's happening with your health.

I have noticed in the past that my own work place had been reluctant to grant time off etc., until I produced written records wrt certain health issues, at which point they suddenly became a lot more accommodating.

[clevermanka]

I at least had the Family Medical Leave Act on my side, with a heavy side order of Americans with Disabilities Act when my FMLA allowance ran out. I think my time out of the office and continuing ADA accommodations were a major influence in my job at KU being eliminated instead of subsumed into a different department, though.

[salamandras]

I'm so sorry. *hugs*

The fact that you thought about documenting how you are feeling seems really important. It can be so hard to even think about in the moment.

[clevermanka]

Thanks, bb.

I've been stringent about documenting my health stuff for a long time, so at least I'm used to it.

[resonant]

Well wishes for your health. The way you described your sitting practice noticeably slowed and deepened my breathing as I read it!

[clevermanka]

Thank you. Hearing I could help someone else breathe a bit makes me feel really good--I appreciate your letting me know!

[umadoshi]

*fierce hugs*

[clevermanka]

*hugs back*

[write_out]

Sitting and breathing and focusing on just being in that moment sounds absolutely lovely, to be honest. I'm glad you've gotten back into the practice. I should try it too.

And that's good that you contacted your doctor. I wish it wasn't necessary, but it's a smart idea.

HUGS HUGS HUGS

[clevermanka]

I definitely recommend sitting! If you ever wanna talk about ways to ease yourself into a meditation practice, you know where to find me.

HUGS BACK.

[write_out]

I've always suuuucked at meditation (meaning I am too distracted and impatient), but I do really like the idea of just sitting in one spot, breathing and not necessarily making it about meditation (which is prob what trips me up, because I overthink it).

[clevermanka]

The same technique doesn't work for everyone, and I've tried a few different meditation methods, so seriously if you ever wanna talk about them, lemme know!

[writedragon]

Dammit, that stinks. However, I am very glad you shared this. Because I think me and my household are going through this exact same sequence after our harrowing nearly freezing to death for a week followed by 4-5 days of no running water. The adrenaline followed by physical exhaustion (and mental exhaustion manifesting as the literal lack of ability to think straight), and now depression. Whoa. It must be a Thing. I'm sure someone smarter than me has a chemical sequence describing catabolic reactions followed by inflammation and fatigue responses that would explain all of it. In any case, it sucks and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[clevermanka]

It is very much A Thing and the sequence isn't unique to me by a long shot. Hurray for sharing our experience to the benefit of others! 😅

I'm so sorry you went through that and I hope y'all recover quickly and well.

[khellekson]

Ah American health care. I think doctors are totally au fait with jiggering patient charts along your lines.

[clevermanka]

My PCP really is great, so I'm sure she could/would if it came to that.

[tinny]

Ah, well, if it was this easy to predict it as it is to retrace the steps. *sigh*

But you're doing really well, you know yourself well. <3

[clevermanka]

The one saving grace of this whole ~health journey~ of mine is I've never shied away from being honest about myself!