Theological Exam

[clevermanka]

skyflame's recent post about the hellish engineering exam reminded me of this. I think I promised to post it for someone a few weeks ago. Sorry for the delay. Oh, yeah. Spew alert. At least for some of you.


5 Questions, 60 Minutes.

You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam.

1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?

2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S.
a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act if the sheep was not willing?
b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could not be said to mind either?

3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)

4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?

5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything.
a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so damn smug now, is he?

Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?

Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

Comments

[solan-t.livejournal.com]

If the other one was hellish... what does that make THIS one? :o

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

what does that make THIS one?
As a former religious studies major, I say it makes this one pretty damn funny. =D

[solan-t.livejournal.com]

Oh, well, I took that as a given. ;p

[machinarex.livejournal.com]

FUCK!! i KNEW i shoulda paid more attention in math class!

[skyflame.livejournal.com]

The scary part is that I could probably answer those questions, although now it would take me more than the allotted 60 minutes. :P

[mckitterick.livejournal.com]

Amazingly, when all the answers are poured into the proper formula, one achieves this result:

42 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Answer_to_Life,_the_Universe,_and_Everything)

Chris

[mckitterick.livejournal.com]

PS: I solved this in less than four minutes. A miracle!

Chris

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I never did the math on it, but I have to say I'm not terribly surprised. (at either the answer or the fact that you did the math)

[mckitterick.livejournal.com]

Heh heh. The formula I used is a bit simpler than Adam's, below, though ;-)

Chris

the proper formula?

[adammaker.livejournal.com]

Re: the proper formula?

[skyflame.livejournal.com]

Now that's a t-shirt I need to buy.

Not resting, neither!

[adammaker.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed this muchly...

And yes, I'm drinking Miso Soup at my terminal...
So I appreciated the spew warning.

Adam: Not frictionless, not massless, and not a Mormon.

[supergee.livejournal.com]

I'm trying to believe in a frictionless Mormon.

[skyflame.livejournal.com]

One who uses Astroglide.

[skyflame.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm taking a closer look at said questions and the atonement coefficient is going to make me fail this exam. That's what I get for not being Catholic. I guess semi-fundamentalist Christian wasn't close enough.