Saturday

[clevermanka]

 *pounds table* Creepy stalker AU! Standing by my hopes that he's a himbo. Insert that Parks and Rec "don't be suspicious" gif. B/W Zhubai.

Fanart: Mermaid Zhao Yunlan! Adorable kiss animation and cuddly boys from Vian. Finished felted weasel/hamster. Smile, baby!

tinny 's recent picspam was such a serotonin boost.

One of my exes (the awesome one, I was a bridesmaid at his wedding) recently liked one of my tweets, reminding me that people I know in real life follow me there. 😂 It was not the horny meltdown thank dogs.

I'm resolved to see a friend's band play tonight at an outdoor venue. Reports indicate that masks have completely disappeared from the bar scene (even though friend has said the band will be wearing them) so we'll see how I cope with that. I think my increasingly desperate need for casual human contact will outweigh my paranoia, but I won't know until I'm actually confronted with the reality of a patio full of unmasked humanity.

Had my first sighting of an unmasked jerk in public at the grocery store. A mom and four young daughters, all in stereotypical mega-Xtian outfits: flowy mid-calf skirts, loose tops, ballet flats, long hair. If you live in the U.S., you know what I'm talking about. That look that screams Pentecostal, strict Mormon, or maybe Jehovah's Witness. It made me sad and angry on so many levels and my eyes started to sting with tears just thinking about everything I hated about seeing that.

Been having to fight tears a lot lately. I still can't focus on anything. Tried Army of the Dead (because Tig Notaro 🔥) and I could tell it was a fun romp, 100% my thing in normal circumstances, but after 20 minutes I decided to watch it when I might be able to enjoy it. Can't write, either, which is frustrating and heartbreaking. I did get about 2k words written this week, but am at a dead stop on the cusp of a sex scene because (this is pathetic) envisioning people having sex in that much detail makes me want to cry. Fic reading is difficult to impossible, too. I can get through stuff if I have no emotional investment. Modern Wangxian AUs are fine--but no Weilan or derivatives.

I'm managing to get through a self-help book about people who need to control others. Seeing a lot of McKitterick's behaviors in it. It's good to recognize these things, for avoiding them in the future as well as understanding what happened. Good to realize that even though I was mostly happy, the relationship was doomed to fail eventually due to his inability to honestly connect with the person I actually am, not the person he created in his head (the one that frequently thought the worst of him, the one who didn't want to know he was fooling around).

Oh, something else for me to fret about regarding tonight's excursion is there's no way Katie (the English department chair) won't be there. I hope she just ignores me and allows us both to pretend like neither of us see each other. If she tries to engage me in conversation, I am gonna let her have it, which... is probably not the mature thing to do at Philip's last Lawrence gig.

So tired of having a heavy heart.

Comments

[lilysea]

flowy mid-calf skirts, loose tops, ballet flats, long hair

Gosh, apart from the long hair - I have hair so short I am often called Sir by customer service staff by mistake

that's how *I* dress because chronic pain

I hope no one mistakes me for someone religious/conservative...

Mind you, I have worn a mask every time since March 2020 that I have gone further than my front letterbox, so...

[clevermanka]

I mean, change out boots for flats most of the time and that's me, too. But trust me, it's a very particular look that I doubt is seen outside of conservative parts of the U.S. I doubt you give the same vibe.

[lilysea]

Yeah, I HATE patterns, especially florals. And I prefer strong, bright colours, especially jewel tones - reds, purples, teals, burgundies.

I'm more like this top



with this skirt

[lilysea]

Also: I have very large breasts - 20EE - and I NEVER wear a bra or a camisole or a singlet because chronic neck/shoulder pain, so I have freely moving breasts and sometimes visible nipples if it's cold. Which I guess would suggest to a passerby that I'm NOT a highly religious conservative...

[clevermanka]

Yeah, that tunic is much too clingy/revealing, so no you wouldn't be mistaken for something you're not!

[redheadfae]

What is it about the puff sleeves? It looks like the Target Dress Challenge.

[clevermanka]

Was Target selling the bonnets too???

[redheadfae]

I don't know! I kinda wondered that myself.

[khellekson]

That picspam with everyone wearing plaid or stripes (or...Napoleon getup?) was pretty damn awesome.

Was the mom in the grocery store wearing one of those hat things? Where they take off that hat, and underneath is...another hat? (I've always found that amusing.) I feel sorry for the kids and women, while also managing to force down those feelings when I visit farmer's market and purchase their delicious, delicious homemade bars and eat them immediately.

Good luck with the band. Is it at the park where they used to/still do music gigs where the band plays and they shoot off cannons when they do "1812 Overture"? I used to go to those events with my friend Becky, years ago when her kids were little. Becky always liked it because she knew band members, thanks to her years as an undergrad in the pep band.

I'll quote Doctor Who to you: "Brave heart, Tegan!" xoxo Thinking good thoughts for you.

[clevermanka]

Not Mennonite, if that's what you mean. No, just long straight hair pulled back in tight ponytails.

The show's at a bar in North Lawrence that wasn't here during your time.

Thanks for the good thoughts!

[nnozomi]

*hugs* I hope the band performance is/was fun (not awake enough yet here to calculate time zones) and makes a nice distraction for at least temporary heart-lightening.

(B/W Zhubai. Breathtaking.)

[clevermanka]

I'll leave the house in a bit under two hours, so thank you for the well-wishes!

(they're so beautifullllllll)

[naye]

OMGGGG that interview! He's such a good boy, Manka. ;_;

I'm very sorry everything has been Like That these past few days, and hope tomorrow will be better. *hugs*

[clevermanka]

SO GOOD! He seems so sweet and a little bit dim and I just want him to wreck meeeeeeeeeeee. 😂

Thank you, bb. I'm ready for things to be better, too.

[msmitti]

I recognize that Christian uniform you are talking about, but there is definitely a specifically Pentecostal uniform I see around here: long, straight denim skirt and long hair rolled around in several coils. Never seen a woman with it down, not even partially down. I wondered if Crystal Gayle's hair started as a religious thing, but according to wikipedia, her mother made her keep it short as a child.

Glad you made it to the patio band concert. I hope it was a fun outing and worth it!

[clevermanka]

Oh god I forgot about those denim skirts! Yes! I haven't seen them in forever. The Pentecostals must've all moved out.

It was fun and very worth it!

[yaaurens]

I, too, find the panda monch therapeutic.

I hope you survived being around unmasked humans without too much stress, and that all the other frustrations ease up soon.

[clevermanka]

omg pandaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 🧡

Thanks, bb!

[tinny]

*HUGS*

Thanks so much for the great links to interviews (old and new) and manips and art and everything!

I'm glad I could brighten your day at least a little with my picspam. <3

[clevermanka]

*HUGS BACK*