Sunday

[clevermanka]

I'm slowly crawling out from under a bleak emotional place. Still actively wishing for death but I've gone two days in a row without crying even once so that's progress. I made tamago kake gohan for breakfast today and ate more than half. Gold star for me!

Friday night I went to see a live music show (outdoors) with Coworker A and it was wonderful. I liked the two openers very much. The headliners were excellent musicians, but not my style of music (freeform jazz/spoken word stuff). Very glad I saw them, though. Their energy was incredible and even though it mostly sounded like noise to me I recognized the talent.

A friend came over for a few hours yesterday. We were supposed to meet downtown but I was going to have to cancel because the show wiped me out. She immediately switched plans and even brought me food! 🧡 I related the rollercoaster saga of a recent heartbreak/potential romance that died almost before it started and she started to cry. She's the second person I've told this story to in person and the second person to get teary/sniffly over it so I guess it really is a sad story. I knew it felt sad from the inside, but seeing people visibly react like that was... idk, validating? Made me feel less useless about sobbing over it for a week, anyway.

It does make a good story, though. No doubt I'll incorporate some of it into a fic someday.

She said about my life: "This makes me believe more in (mutual friend C's) theory that this is all a simulation and damn you are stuck in the worst kind of black comedy." I just hope whomever is watching enjoys the show. I hate the idea of doing all this for an unappreciative audience.

Speaking of fic, I was poking at edits of the scene from Redemption I wrote a while back and realized the next chapter needs to be the mid-point crisis of Zhao Yunlan's emotional arc (time to deal with his issues with Zhao Xinci!) so that's gonna be an emotional investment. Good thing I've got so many internal reserves allowing me to explore that! Ha! ha ha!

Comments

[shipperslist]

I've been thinking about you. 💜 So glad to hear you've been out and about and you have supportive friends around you. That means so fucking much.

[clevermanka]

SO MUCH.

[umadoshi]

Hooray for breakfast and for live(!) music!

Made me feel less useless about sobbing over it for a week, anyway.

*hugs tight* It IS sad! ;_; Crying over it is 1000% valid, even though crying sucks.

I'm glad to see you posting. *more hugs*

[clevermanka]

So many knives, Ysa! Does my actual life really need so many knives? (no, no it does not)

I miss being more present here. I hope I start feeling like posting regularly soon.

[wrote_and_writ]

I’m side-eyeing all the people who love angsty fics/shows now because they should write to the network for you. You need your fluff chapters!

[minoanmiss]

Yes THIS!

[writedragon]

Offers to pat your shoulder, virtually.

[clevermanka]

Yeah, I could definitely use at least, like, a few episodes of easy happiness? That (preferably) aren't completely wiped out with a season cliffhanger.

eta: and to think I used to be one of those people. 😂 I wonder if I'll ever be able to watch and enjoy angst like I used to...

[clevermanka]

Thanks, friend.

[wrote_and_writ]

Angst (now or soon to be complete) with a happy ending; smut

These are the tags I will for your life 😉😉😏😏

[clevermanka]

[naye]

There are an UNFAIR number of knives happening to you. Also I've been thinking of you and just - hope things ease up. I have definitely teared up reading your words, and would end up leaking awkwardly in person I'm sure.

time to deal with his issues with Zhao Xinci!
...well GOOD LUCK! Ahaha. Ah. Ha.

*hugs*

[nnozomi]

I'm sorry things suck so much right now. Serious admiration for your various coping strategies, internal and external. I hope it gets better from here.
(And good luck with the fic writing--as you know I have many Zhao Xinci feelings, although they may not match yours exactly; either way poke me any time if you want to ramble about ZXC.)
*hugs hugs*

[umadoshi]

Does my actual life really need so many knives? (no, no it does not)

ABSOLUTELY NOT. -_-

[clevermanka]

I hate that it's such a good story, you know? It's awful, but damn, it's good.

*grateful hugs back*

[clevermanka]

I have to laugh a little that someone admires my coping strategies, but I guess they are working, so...

Thank you, bb!

[write_out]

Yay for a yummy breakfast and a night out with friends and music and fresh air!

That was good of your friend to bring over food and a good shoulder to lean on.

I love the comment about adding some more tags: angst with a happy ending, smut. YES.

HUGS HUGS

[clevermanka]

Even though the show wiped me out for the next day, I'm definitely doing it again at least a few times before the summer patio shows end.

YES THOSE TAGS FOR MY LIFE PLEASE

[malovich]

We were supposed to meet downtown but I was going to have to cancel because the show wiped me out. She immediately switched plans and even brought me food!

You have an excellent friend there. Glad she was there for you!

Chat with you tonight. XD

[clevermanka]

She's so good. Such a good friend.

Good talking with you!