Responding to apologies

[clevermanka]

I've worked hard (and continue to work at) at improving my ability and skill when it comes to apologizing. I used to be really, really bad it. A lot of us are, thanks to precious few good examples. I don't remember ever seeing a collection of meaningful ways to respond to a good apology, though. This reel on Instagram came up on my feed today and I wanted to share it with anyone else who could use a similar resource. For posterity:

1. “Thank you, I am really hurt and needed to hear that.”
2. “I appreciate your apology. I need time to sit with it.”
3. “Thank you for taking responsibility. I love you.”
4. “I accept your apology and need to see some changes moving forward.”
5. “I know apologizing isn’t easy, thank you for owning that.”
6. “I really appreciate hearing that. Let’s move on.”
7. “That really hit me hard. Thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.”
8. “I hear your apology and want to talk about the impact of what happened”
9. “Thanks for apologizing. I know everyone makes mistakes or has off moments”
10. “Your apology means a lot. What do we need to do to help prevent this from happening again?”

When you just say “it’s ok” then it kinda gives folks a free pass to do the behavior again. Using options like these instead will help communicate clearly that someone has crossed a boundary or hurt you and that you are not actually “ok” with the behavior happening again. 

And if you're looking for an excellent, incredibly in-depth read on apologies, I just finished On Repentance and Repair by Danya Ruttenberg. Absolutely 10/10 recommend.

Comments

[mekare]

These are excellent. Will try to memorise. Also, yes I am still bad at apologies ( as well as as SO), I don't think I've ever seen a good example in real life.

[clevermanka]

I don't have any simple recommendations off the top of my head, but if you don't have the time to read Rabbi Ruttenberg's book, this short article isn't a bad start. And like everything, good apologies take practice.

Something I learned that I didn't expect was that offering a legitimate apology feels so good, now. They allow for a genuine sense of freedom and connection, as opposed to that lingering sense of ick after issuing a fauxpology or ignoring the situation.

[umadoshi]

That's such a good, thoughtful list!

And that book of Rabbi Ruttenberg's is not only on my TBR list but in my collection, so thank you for the reminder of it.

[clevermanka]

Such a good and necessary book. I wish apologies were better understood and appreciated in our culture, but I could say that about a lot of things.

*

[minoanmiss]

*makes note of both this sensible advice and Rabbi Ruttenberg's wonderful sounding book.

Re: *

[clevermanka]

A must-read for those of us doing the difficult work of personal development, imo.

[glassesofjustice]

A great resource. Thanks for sharing.

[clevermanka]

You're welcome!

[sweettartheart]

Very, very, very helpful. Thank you for sharing.

[clevermanka]

You're welcome!