clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2008-04-10 09:18 am
clevermanka) wrote2008-04-10 09:18 am
Entry tags:
Owning my experience, and nobody else's
I joined Ravelry--an online knitting community a couple months ago (like LJ for knitters) and just recently found a Buddhist knitting group. I've never considered myself a follower of Buddhism, but I appreciate a lot of the teachings of Zen. I also like how Buddhism is so friendly to scientists and atheists. =)
Anyway, one of the members posted this in a thread and I thought it was moving and relevatory.
"One time I went to a weekend retreat with my teacher that included sharing insights with fellow retreatants. She explained the rules, and I can't report them verbatim, but this is close:
You will take turns speaking about your experience. When the bell rings, the first person will speak. When the bell rings a second time, you will thank each other and the second person will speak. You will refrain from commenting on the other person's experience in any way, even to let them know you understand them perfectly, ask them questions, or say how much you relate to their experience because it's just like the time when you, etc.
And then she paused.
And then she said, And when you leave here, I hope you will continue to refrain from commenting on other people's experience. For the rest of your lives.
So now, even when people ask for my opinion about their experience, if I'm in the present moment and not lost in some shit in my head, I ask them to say more. And they always have more to say! And then I ask them for more. And they always have even more! I never need to say anything! They have the information they need already, and what everybody really wants is a willing ear. If I just give them that, they'll get where they're going on their own power. And they think I'm some kind of genius, and I have to point out to them that all I've done is listen and maybe repeat back what they said."
I think I will probably never refrain from asking my friends opinions about issues, but it made me realize two things:
1. My general distaste and dissatisfaction with talking about things/venting to friends really isn't so awful or alien as I used to think. I've always appreciated when people say "call me if you need to talk," but the vast majority of the time, I really have no interest in talking about things just to get them off my chest. It doesn't make me feel better. It generally doesn't help the situation.
2. It's true that only the individual knows what is the right thing for him or herself. S/he might refuse to acknowledge that fact, or refuse to follow the best course of action because the alternative is easier/more fun/provides instant gratification, and s/he might bury that knowledge so deep that it can't be found, so deep not even s/he can find it anymore. But the true understanding of the right thing to do is always there, always calling out to have a chance to make the individual's life better. I cannot assume to know what is the right thing for someone. No one can, but many people do. I have been guilty of that in the past, making assumptions that I know the most intimate interior workings of another person. Thinking I know what is best for another person is arrogant, selfish, and wrong.
As my life continues to change and evolve (as it does, constantly, and inevitably will until I die), I shall do my best to avoid placing my own hopes, expectations, and preferences on other people. I am the only person who knows what is best for me. I am the only person who can decide if something in my life should change. I am the only person who can change me. And that goes for every other person alive today.
Anyway, one of the members posted this in a thread and I thought it was moving and relevatory.
"One time I went to a weekend retreat with my teacher that included sharing insights with fellow retreatants. She explained the rules, and I can't report them verbatim, but this is close:
You will take turns speaking about your experience. When the bell rings, the first person will speak. When the bell rings a second time, you will thank each other and the second person will speak. You will refrain from commenting on the other person's experience in any way, even to let them know you understand them perfectly, ask them questions, or say how much you relate to their experience because it's just like the time when you, etc.
And then she paused.
And then she said, And when you leave here, I hope you will continue to refrain from commenting on other people's experience. For the rest of your lives.
So now, even when people ask for my opinion about their experience, if I'm in the present moment and not lost in some shit in my head, I ask them to say more. And they always have more to say! And then I ask them for more. And they always have even more! I never need to say anything! They have the information they need already, and what everybody really wants is a willing ear. If I just give them that, they'll get where they're going on their own power. And they think I'm some kind of genius, and I have to point out to them that all I've done is listen and maybe repeat back what they said."
I think I will probably never refrain from asking my friends opinions about issues, but it made me realize two things:
1. My general distaste and dissatisfaction with talking about things/venting to friends really isn't so awful or alien as I used to think. I've always appreciated when people say "call me if you need to talk," but the vast majority of the time, I really have no interest in talking about things just to get them off my chest. It doesn't make me feel better. It generally doesn't help the situation.
2. It's true that only the individual knows what is the right thing for him or herself. S/he might refuse to acknowledge that fact, or refuse to follow the best course of action because the alternative is easier/more fun/provides instant gratification, and s/he might bury that knowledge so deep that it can't be found, so deep not even s/he can find it anymore. But the true understanding of the right thing to do is always there, always calling out to have a chance to make the individual's life better. I cannot assume to know what is the right thing for someone. No one can, but many people do. I have been guilty of that in the past, making assumptions that I know the most intimate interior workings of another person. Thinking I know what is best for another person is arrogant, selfish, and wrong.
As my life continues to change and evolve (as it does, constantly, and inevitably will until I die), I shall do my best to avoid placing my own hopes, expectations, and preferences on other people. I am the only person who knows what is best for me. I am the only person who can decide if something in my life should change. I am the only person who can change me. And that goes for every other person alive today.