clevermanka | A quandry

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family

A quandry

Hmmm. I just got an email from my mother, whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for the world, asking me if I have a blog. Sigh. So here are my options:

1) Lie. The easiest, but it feels mean and I don't want to like to my mother, whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for the world. I would rather she just not have asked.

2) Tell the truth. But how hard it is to say "Yes, mother, whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for the world, I do have a blog but I don't want you to read it because it would bring you great grief and mental anguish."

I think she has some inkling as to the fact that I'm a wee bit kinky--I remember years ago she stumbled across my website that had links to kink supply places--but I know she doesn't realize to what degree. She has no clue that I'm bi. No clue that I've smoked my fair share of weed. And oh let's not even approach the religion arena. I just don't think parents need to read about the sex lives and various questionable habits of their children. Is that wrong of me? Why do I feel so damn guilty? I love my mother so much and she's always there for me. But I don't want her to know so much about me. Hell, I know she doesn't want to know so much about me.

I suppose I could always tell her about the blog and then make all the interesting posts friends only--but come on, I can't even remember to change my icon picture!

I'm nearly 34. I have a full-time job. I own a house. I pick out my own clothes. I am, for all intents and purposes, A Grown Up. This shouldn't be an issue! But it is. Damn and blast! Anyone got some advice?

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You have one other option...start a blog that's for your mother only. When you have a post that you wouldn't mind her seeing...copy it over to that blog.

Otherwise, you gotta filter.

Me, I'm the sort of human whose been so blunt with my mother she's told me to stop telling her things. But she knows me for me.

If it were me, I'd tell her about the blog, with a full on warning that if she chooses to read it she will learn things which she might find shocking, and then very carefully filter your posts in the future.

If you are nearly 34, with a full-time job and own a house, you do not have to apologize to anyone for your life, your loves, your kinks or any other fucking thing in the world.

D.

Oh, it's not a matter of apologizing, or even being embarassed about it (I mean, if I was ashamed of the fact that I get turned on by tying people up and whipping them, well, I wouldn't talk about it here, would I?). It's a matter of poor mommy being just floored (not to mention horrified) by my Dark Side.

I am leaning more towards telling her the truth, since I think I haven't lied to my mother since, oh, about 8th grade.

I think you just need to explain to her that if she chooses to read your journal, she has to be ready to accept what she reads there...hence it's her choice to go there or not.

And ya know, so long as the people being whipped are consenting adults...

D.

Well, the thing about mothers is even when you say "ok, you can know, but you have to be prepared for everything on it and not go nuts", no matter how old you are... they will still go internally nuts. They may or may not let you know, but yeah, they will go nuts. There's this modern idea that everyone should be able to handle everything, and that the truth is always the best choice, but seriously. Everyone's mom wants to think of their children as wonderful beings in all ways, just like most kids don't want to think about their parents' sex lives much. =) You wouldn't want to read about her intimate bits, either.

So yeah. I would either lie and say no, or make a special filter that blocks her from seeing whatever posts you want to keep private. Of course, that doesn't let you filter all your old posts from her reading them, unless you go through by hand and change them all, which sorta sucks. Personally I'd just say "oh no, mother, of course not" or "yeah, but you don't want to see it". Either way is going to accomplish the same end. =)

I cobbled this from your own words and think it's the best approach. If she persists, just hold firm. She might say it doesn't matter but inevitably will miscalculate the effect and have a different opinion later, and that's a sticky area that you are having the foresight now to avoid.

"Tell the truth. "Yes, mother, whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for the world, I do have a blog but I don't want you to read it because it would bring you great grief and mental anguish." I just don't think parents need to read about various questionable habits of their children. I love my mother so much and she's always there for me. But I don't want her to know so much about me. Hell, I know she doesn't want to know so much about me."

Having thought of a good answer, i'm dropping it to stand behind bellnorth's reply.

As a backup plan, a Separate for-family blog might work.

and yes, I hope my mother never sees mine own blog.

never never never

A

Good, except perhaps I would eliminate the "hell"...yes.

Well, I might have changed that to heck and I could have changed all the pronouns appropriately but I was being too faithful to the cobbling and distracted by other things on my desk. :) I think the honest but separate route is best, even though it drives my own crazy. She has her own set of control issues and I know that while this so-called secret bothers her, it's so much smaller of a problem than her reading anything I might have spewed to LJ in the last couple of years.

You could always tell a small white lie; that is, "Yes, I have a blog, but I don't really use it." Maybe your feigned disinterest would discourage her, but then again, it may not.

(deleted comment)

Ah, that's why people love me. Always something new and exciting to learn!

I've sometimes wondered how your mom dealt/deals with some of the slack issues.

It's a very interesting feeling--to not be embarassed about some stuff. Just thinking about your parents knowing, though. It kind of squicks.

Well, there is the avoidance to clarify option- ask her in response if she is thinking about getting one or if she has one. Perhaps she has one, or friends with one on a different service, and you could indeed start a separate one there.

If she is talking about LJ, then, hmm, a well warning is certainly a fine idea. I love my mother but am not sure I would like her reading all of my journal. I am a big user of filters, and might solve it that way. Without filters I am not sure I would want to limit my journal to things I would say at a family gathering.

And, I would also like to add my vote to the you are a successful adult with nothing to be ashamed of group. It is totally natural to not tell our parents about it. I am sure they don't necessarily want their parents to know either ;) Clearly I am not using my own name here, so yeah, know the feeling.

So my opinionated opinion- I say go ahead with the smoking and the sexing and the lusting and all of those other lovely passions that make life more interesting. In your place I would probably make a separate journal- and have it be a craft/sewing/cooking/home journal, for creative projects, etc, and have that one be the one the family knows about.

Well, there is the avoidance to clarify option

Ooooo, yes! Nothing like answering a question with a question! Radcliffe scores 10!

Suggestion #2...you have 172 posts. I would make a special friends filter, for everyone on your friends list now (meaning those you already don't care what they see) and take the evening it would take to go through those posts and lock them down. On a go forward basis, you only let the people you want to see those parts of your life see them.

But here's the thing. If you're that kind of public about yourself already, why is it your family should be kept in the dark? If you hadn't wanted to the world (including family) to possibly see the truth, you could have had this stuff locked up from moment one.

It just depends on what sort of effort you want to put into the world. Keeping two separate journals might be the easiest thing for you to do going foward...I would imagine that everyone who reads you would also read your "straight" journal as well...

D.

Similar situation. My wife asked if I had a blog. I said Yes. She asked if I wrote about her. I said yes. She said she wanted to read it. I said No. She can post all she want to on LOTR boards without me nosing into it. I told her that this was just my own space.

OK. I really didn't tell her no, I just haven't told her where it is. Hopefully, her curiosity has blown over.

I would just say "yes I do" and leave it at that... you don't have to elaborate OR tell her where its at and give her the url to read. Like you said in a post long ago-you use the LJ name incase she should ever come across it. Blogs are a diary and not every diary needs to be public to everyone. Some people only have open options on LJ others have friends only and I bet more than a few do it anonymously.

Personally I don't feel that parents have to or should know EVERY intimate detail of their grown childrens lives/desires/fears and vice/versa. From the way you talk about your mother, I think she'd understand that and not pry the info out of you.

I wouldn't tell her where it's at if you don't want to hurt her. I learned that a long time ago. Parents have these certain expectations and preconceived ideas about what their children are like when they aren't at home. My mom thought that I was this saint, and when she found out otherwise, it really damaged our relationship for a while. We're back to being best friends, but trust me, you don't want Mommy knowing all about your "quirks", if you will.

How you choose to handle it, of course, is up to you. You can tell her you have one but not tell her where, just say no or spill your guts. Just put some thought into what you want to do and how it will affect your Mom and your relationship with her.

So yeah, that's my two cents.

FYI - there is a way to default posts to friends only if that would help things.

My dad has my URL - he once made some snyde comment about all the junk I have about me out there and I said he was welcome to read it or ask me about it. He dropped the subject.

Yes mom I do have a blog - I use LiveJournal.
leave it at that unless she asks for more then
There are some things a lady dose not share with her mother

Oooh, I'm going through this one right now My dad watched me post yesterday, and then started asking a lot of questions about my blog, and how to get to it. I love my dad more than anyone in this world except for Chris and my mom, and he knows and has accepted a lot of things about me he probably didn't want to have to (round about the third marriage, for instance); but do I want him to see some of the things I haven't exposed him to before this -- my occasional despair, my kinkiness? I think I've filtered one post in the year and a half I've been online -- do I want to go down that tunnel?

I think I'll probably let him see the journal and start filtering.

So glad I'm not alone!

I had a big discussion with a former-Lawrence mutual friend about this very topic. He was disturbed that I was publicly writing about my parents splitting up -- and I don't use a LJ alias. We had a big discussion about this, and here's our discussion, boiled down:

"I don't think I could post my private life on a web site."

My first reaction:

Yeah, it's a specific kind of thing. You don't see the private items I put up there (there's an option for "Friends Only" members-view, and you ain't members so you can't read it), and it's an oddly anonymous tool -- being so visible, yet I could use a fictional name....

After thinking more about it:

Kij and I were discussing how this sort of thing is necessary in writing fiction. I guess fiction writers tend to be psychic exhibitionists, in a way... It helps develop believable characters, anyway, because you need to know their feelings and weaknesses and such to care about them.

He did convince me to post some things Friends Only just in case family reads it (and I went back though my posts and did that), but you're protected by anonymity, so why worry about it? Just don't give her your name and you're safe. You can display yourself publicly without worrying that anyone whom you don't feel comfortable doing that in front of won't see it or at least be able to associate CR with the real-life person.

People use LJ for many reasons, one of which is talking about personal things in front of potentially thousands of readers -- but only those whom you've let in on the secret know who you are.

I wouldn't tell her your LJ alias, unless you want to go back through all your old posts and make them Friends Only. However, if you enjoy writing about anything without having to wonder if you should edit your thoughts or make it Friends Only (thus limiting your potential readership), you can either create a new LJ persona who is you or else just let her know it's personal, a diary, and that you wouldn't feel comfortable with her reading it. I wouldn't lie, because why would you?

Good luck!

Best,
Chris

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