Fucking Hamlet

[clevermanka]

From roya_spirit:

ACT 1 SCENE 1

(The battlements of Elsinore Castle)
(Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.)

GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was fucked!
(Exit GHOST)
HAMLET: O fuck.
(Exit HAMLET.)

SCENE II

(The Throneroom.)
(Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.)

CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
HAMLET (Alone): They could have fucking waited.
(Enter HORATIO)
HORATIO: Oi! Whatcha cock!
HAMLET: Weeeeey!
(Exeunt)

SCENE III

(Ophelia's Bedroom.)
(Enter Ophelia and Laertes.)

LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
(Exeunt.)

SCENE IV

(The Battlements.)
(Enter HORATIO, HAMLET, and GHOST.)

GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!
HAMLET: Fuck me!
(Exeunt.)

ACT II SCENE 1

(A corridor in the castle.)
(Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS)

POLON: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
(Exit POLON. Enter ROSENCRANTZ AND
GUILDENSTERN.)
RO & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS and GUILD.)
HAMLET (Alone): To fuck or be fucked.
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
(They exit in different directions.)

ACT III SCENE I

(The Throne Room)
(Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.)

PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
(Exeunt)

SCENE II

(Gertrude's Bedchamber.)
(Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.)

HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLON (From behind the curtain): Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
(He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.)
POLON: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
(Exeunt.)

ACT IV SCENE 1

(A Court Room)

CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.

SCENE II

(The Throne Room.)
(OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.)

OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.)
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE (looking out the window): There is a willow grows
aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
(Exeunt.)

SCENE III

(A Corridor)

LAERTES (Alone): I'm going to fucking do this lot.
(enter CLAUDIUS.)
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker, Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.

ACT V SCENE 1

(Hamlet's Bedchamber.)
(HAMLET and HORATIO seated.)

HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
(Exeunt.)

SCENE II

(Large Hall.)
(Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, and CLAUDIUS.)

LAERTES: Oi, wanker. Let's get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
(They fight and are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
LAERTES: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck!
(The QUEEN drinks.)
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS' throat) Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush. No hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
(LAERTES dies)
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
(HAMLET dies)
HORATIO: Fuck! That was no ordinary wanker, you know.
(enter FORTINBRAS.)
FORTIN: What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.
FORTIN: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTIN: Fucking shame. Fucking good bloke.
HORATIO: Too fucking right.
FORTIN: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums.)

Comments

[jimmy-hollaman.livejournal.com]

thats great

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Too fucking right!

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

Hilarious!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

It helped my day, that's for sure!

[annamatic.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much how it goes, isn't it? LOL.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Your icon FTW.

[purpledumbass.livejournal.com]

That's awesome!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Fuckin' A!

[nottygypsy.livejournal.com]

Something for the LMC at OKRF's Smoker. :)

Fucking Brilliant.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess we broke that f-bomb barrier last year, didn't we?

[nottygypsy.livejournal.com]

Well Chuey did, and the Muskogee gang, which is why I said the OKRF smoker. Cause we'd never do that at KCRF, and I dare say we wouldn't at OKRF either, you know Fawkes. I was only kidding. Though it is funny as hell.

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

Ooh! I remember reading this about ten years ago. I love it!

"Fuck off to a nunnery" is the best Shakespearean line, ever!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

This was my first time to ever read this...er, "version" of the play, and I recently got to see the BBC version with David Tennant--so I read this with him in my head. It was pretty fucking excellent.

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Hee. I hear it in my head w/ my departed Uncle Jimmy's Scouser dialect. He had a great deep voice that could say Fockof Fok'ead in just the right alliteration for a skinhead.

[orrin.livejournal.com]

That's awesome!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Feel free to share!

[shrijani.livejournal.com]

Now that is just fucking hilarious.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I sort of want to put on a production of it...

[amjhawk.livejournal.com]

So, I couldn't help but imagine Canadians as I read this...

http://videosift.com/video/South-Park-Phillip-performs-Hamlet