clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2012-07-20 11:03 am
clevermanka) wrote2012-07-20 11:03 am
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You are what you speak
Daddy's home from the hospital with two stents. When I talked to him last night, he sounded awful. Tired and groggy and poor Daddy. Surgery sucks.
Earlier this week, I posted a link to a Whole9 article about how our word choices in regards to our relationship with food has an effect on our self-worth. This is not just true of how we perceive and discuss food choices. This is true of all ways we think of and describe ourselves.
Recently, I listened to a friend repeatedly state that she was "stupid" about some things because she either didn't understand or appreciate them. There are two basic problems with using this sort of language about oneself.
First:
Using negative language to describe oneself is harmful. It is harmful to yourself and it is harmful to the other people participating in the conversation. I don't care how you spin it, the adjective "stupid" (having not made the same leap as "bad" or "sick") is a pejorative in current vernacular. By describing yourself in negative terms, you are reinforcing your own lack of self-worth.
From time to time, everyone is going to feel stupid about something. But there is a difference between saying "I acted without thinking and I feel stupid for doing that" and saying "I am stupid when it comes to activity X." Oh, for the inclusion of fixed versus transitive state verbs (ser versus estar) in the English language.
Referring to yourself and the things you do by using negative language is self-destructive to you and insulting to me. If you absolutely must use these words to describe yourself, don't do it around me. I wouldn't stand for someone else describing a friend as stupid, and if you are a friend of mine, I am not going to let you describe yourself as such when you are around me. If you insist on doing so despite my requests for you to change your language, I will remove myself from your company.
Women are especially prone to this sort of berating self-talk. Conversations about how fat we are probably figure as one of the most common conversations among women in our society. If you have nothing else in common with a group of women, you can always fall back on how much you hate your body. Everyone can participate in that one. And I hate that. It's tragic that we aren't taught to/choose to focus on the positive. We talk about how we've gained ten pounds since last summer, or how awkward and ugly we feel when going shopping for jeans. We don't talk about how we are improving our food choices or making it to the gym in spite of exhaustion and depression. Instead of discussing those things we're doing to improve ourselves (no matter how slow the improvement), we focus on how we see ourselves as bad, or a failure, or stupid. And this brings me to the...
Second:
If you are honestly dissatisfied with an aspect of yourself to the point that you are willing to bring it up in conversation with me, then I expect that you are also interested in making an honest effort to improve yourself in this area. If you are not interested in self-improvement, and you are only complaining about aspects of yourself that you dislike but aren't interested in changing them, then sit your ass down and don't talk about it.
I understand the need to occasionally complain about other people. None of us control the actions or behaviors of other people and for some of us, it helps to vent our frustrations in a sympathetic place. But if you are tearing yourself down for no reason other than to tear yourself down, I assume one of two motivations: You are someone who enjoys feeling bad about yourself, and you want me to encourage your self-destructive behavior; You are saying bad things about yourself in hopes that I will say contradictory and positive things about you and temporarily build your self-esteem. I have no time, energy, or inclination to deal with either of those scenarios.
Don't think I expect everyone to like every aspect of themselves, or to make an effort to improve themselves from every angle. There are lots of things about myself that I don't think are 100% awesome. Everyone has those. It's okay not to be perfect, and it's okay to acknowledge that there are some less-than-stellar aspects of yourself that you're not interested in making the effort to change. Just be honest with yourself about what they are and then move on.
The language we use about our choices and ourselves has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves and how we make others around us feel. I am not someone who takes pleasure from a friend's pain or misfortune. Don't attempt to make me participate in your self-destructive behavior. Any attempt at discussion that opens with "I can't do this" is going to be very short-lived. If you want my opinion or assistance in improving or educating yourself, let's begin our conversation with "I want to learn to do this."
I wouldn't hang out with you if I thought you were stupid. Don't prove me wrong.
Earlier this week, I posted a link to a Whole9 article about how our word choices in regards to our relationship with food has an effect on our self-worth. This is not just true of how we perceive and discuss food choices. This is true of all ways we think of and describe ourselves.
Recently, I listened to a friend repeatedly state that she was "stupid" about some things because she either didn't understand or appreciate them. There are two basic problems with using this sort of language about oneself.
First:
Using negative language to describe oneself is harmful. It is harmful to yourself and it is harmful to the other people participating in the conversation. I don't care how you spin it, the adjective "stupid" (having not made the same leap as "bad" or "sick") is a pejorative in current vernacular. By describing yourself in negative terms, you are reinforcing your own lack of self-worth.
From time to time, everyone is going to feel stupid about something. But there is a difference between saying "I acted without thinking and I feel stupid for doing that" and saying "I am stupid when it comes to activity X." Oh, for the inclusion of fixed versus transitive state verbs (ser versus estar) in the English language.
Referring to yourself and the things you do by using negative language is self-destructive to you and insulting to me. If you absolutely must use these words to describe yourself, don't do it around me. I wouldn't stand for someone else describing a friend as stupid, and if you are a friend of mine, I am not going to let you describe yourself as such when you are around me. If you insist on doing so despite my requests for you to change your language, I will remove myself from your company.
Women are especially prone to this sort of berating self-talk. Conversations about how fat we are probably figure as one of the most common conversations among women in our society. If you have nothing else in common with a group of women, you can always fall back on how much you hate your body. Everyone can participate in that one. And I hate that. It's tragic that we aren't taught to/choose to focus on the positive. We talk about how we've gained ten pounds since last summer, or how awkward and ugly we feel when going shopping for jeans. We don't talk about how we are improving our food choices or making it to the gym in spite of exhaustion and depression. Instead of discussing those things we're doing to improve ourselves (no matter how slow the improvement), we focus on how we see ourselves as bad, or a failure, or stupid. And this brings me to the...
Second:
If you are honestly dissatisfied with an aspect of yourself to the point that you are willing to bring it up in conversation with me, then I expect that you are also interested in making an honest effort to improve yourself in this area. If you are not interested in self-improvement, and you are only complaining about aspects of yourself that you dislike but aren't interested in changing them, then sit your ass down and don't talk about it.
I understand the need to occasionally complain about other people. None of us control the actions or behaviors of other people and for some of us, it helps to vent our frustrations in a sympathetic place. But if you are tearing yourself down for no reason other than to tear yourself down, I assume one of two motivations: You are someone who enjoys feeling bad about yourself, and you want me to encourage your self-destructive behavior; You are saying bad things about yourself in hopes that I will say contradictory and positive things about you and temporarily build your self-esteem. I have no time, energy, or inclination to deal with either of those scenarios.
Don't think I expect everyone to like every aspect of themselves, or to make an effort to improve themselves from every angle. There are lots of things about myself that I don't think are 100% awesome. Everyone has those. It's okay not to be perfect, and it's okay to acknowledge that there are some less-than-stellar aspects of yourself that you're not interested in making the effort to change. Just be honest with yourself about what they are and then move on.
The language we use about our choices and ourselves has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves and how we make others around us feel. I am not someone who takes pleasure from a friend's pain or misfortune. Don't attempt to make me participate in your self-destructive behavior. Any attempt at discussion that opens with "I can't do this" is going to be very short-lived. If you want my opinion or assistance in improving or educating yourself, let's begin our conversation with "I want to learn to do this."
I wouldn't hang out with you if I thought you were stupid. Don't prove me wrong.
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By which I mean to say, words are powerful, yo.
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Exactly. And, really, why spend the energy on that? Either spend it on an honest attempt at improvement, or spend it on something else entirely.
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Rumination begins
My continuing best wishes to your Dad, too.
Re: Rumination begins
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Truly.
I totally, 100% agree with every little word you wrote.
Sometimes I do find myself using pejorative terms on myself. Usually it's under my breath. Sometimes it's around my friend Levi, but usually I'm alone and "stupid" is THE word that percolates to the surface.
I have literally stopped in my tracks and thought, "Wow...that is messed up. Where does that come from? I think somehow I've internalized my father's voice, but in fact I don't REALLY think I AM stupid. So WTF?"
Negative self talk is like the ultimate in destructive behavior, also because it can happen on a barely noticeable level, can be unspoken and only thought. It's corrosive.
I see it in my students. Especially the girls. Sometimes it shows itself as fear of public speaking.
The other thing you mention about people who say negative things about themselves in an attempt to squeeze a contradictory sugar-coated comment from me? I will never give it. and I HATE that.
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It's fantastic that you're able to stop when you catch yourself calling yourself stupid and you have that WTF reaction instead of letting it descend into a "you're stupid for calling yourself stupid" spiral.
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Months ago, Mommy and her two sisters made arrangements for the sisters (who live very far away) to come visit the one brother who lives about an hour from my parents. The plan was for them to stay in my parents' house while my parents went on a church retreat thing. Guess when the sisters were due to arrive? Yep. Today.
My parents' house is not large and my aunts are...not easy to be with for extended periods of time (in my case, "extended periods of time" means about fifteen minutes--my mother lasts slightly longer, my father slightly less).
But! In another example of Really Pretty Fantastic Luck, a friend of Daddy's is going out of town for a week (leaves tomorrow) and said my parents can stay in his house. So Daddy will be hanging out at someone else's house for the next several days while my aunts are hangin' at my folks' house. They'll only have to spend one night all together in the same house.
It's like some giant shell game. With family dynamics and heart stents.
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I'm sorry for yelling with all caps here, but you can imagine how very effing AWESOME that was. It still ranks in the top ten of most fabulous birthday gifts ever.
* Footnote: There were four or five of them that night, doing the work I usually did all by my myself. It was oddly pleasing that they were desperately tired when I arrived just after breakfast.
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Also, had an argument with a spanish speaking friend of mine over whether ser or estar should be used with muerto. Apparently estar is gramatically correct, but I maintain that death is generally a pretty permanent condition.
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Good and helpful points on self esteem, and, interestingly enough, things I've been subconsciously thinking of and working on recently. I've had some good weeks lately as a result!
Hugs you,
y
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I'm happy to hear you've had some good weeks recently. Hurray!
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I like the way you worded this.
I remember the days when I used to beat myself up, both literally and in words. Those were not good days. I feel so much better when I can take something like, "I can't do muscle ups" and turn it into "I can't do muscle-ups yet." What a difference!
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and
You're awesome.
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*swoon*
thank you!
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That is the perfect combo! Yes, here's hoping!