You say that so often. I wonder what your basis for comparison is?

[clevermanka]

I've been in a bad headspace since Sunday. Angry, depressed, bitter, you name it. I don't like the way my body feels, I don't like the way I feel inside my body, and I don't like the way my body looks. It's a trifecta of self-hate.

This is largely (not completely, but largely) hormonally-driven, and I realize that (thanks, antibiotics!). However, that doesn't make it any less real. It's hard and it's exhausting and it's beyond frustrating to eat so clean and exercise so hard, yet achieve only miniscule results that disappear in two weeks of missed gym attendance thanks to that respiratory infection.

I see all these body positive blog posts about accepting my body, but can I be honest? I HATE MY BODY RIGHT NOW. I hate it because it's sick all the time. I mean, even when I'm not ill, I'm still sick. That will never go away. And friends, I don't often call a pity party, but that fucking sucks.

I hate that so many of my problems (allergies, food sensitivities, eating disorders, cortisol problems, I could go on but I won't) can be traced to deficiencies of bad science and societal influence (being fed solely on formula as an infant, not getting my tonsils out, starve-and-binge behavior from childhood through my teen years, a lack of information about how hormonal birth control was affecting me, undiagnosed immune disease that led to chronic fatigue, I could go on but I won't). I want to cry and scream "I shouldn't have to deal with this. This is not my fault. THIS IS NOT FAIR."

I want to start over. I want to tell my rapidly chubbifying seven-year-old-self to push harder when asking Mom for dance lessons, and there are exercise options other than organized sports*. I want to tell my grandmother that she must find a way to show her love other than sneaking me entire bags of miniature Reese's Peanut Butter cups after bedtime. I want to tell everyone involved in my healthcare from 1995 to 2002 to stop looking at my lab results and start looking at me.

Of course, I can't do any of that. The only Starting Over I can do is Start Over from today. And while that is liberating in some respects, it is exhausting. It's especially exhausting when one has Started Over at least three times in the last twelve months. And I'm staring at Starting Over again right now because Monday's WOD absolutely killed me. There was no way I could do today's WOD, so even though I very much wanted to get back to the MWF CrossFit thing, I knew I couldn't. Two 400m runs, a bout with the prowler, and tire flips? HahahahaNO.

How many times can I Start Over before my starter switch gives out? I guess I just have to make sure that I can Start Over just one time more than I Stop Functioning.

I was talking with one of the graduate students this week about autoimmune disease (his girlfriend has one) and how you can't lie down. You can't stop. You can (sometimes must) sit down to rest once in a while, but if you lie down and give up, it's all over. I might never get better, but if I lie down I know for sure I'll only get worse. That's quite a motivation, for sure, but it's a negative motivator.

I could really use some internally-sourced positive motivators right now. I'm sure this post will generate a lot of "You look greats!" "You are strong and amazings!" or stuff like that, and I appreciate those, I do. But those are external things, coming from people other than myself. I want to find something in my own brain, something that comes from my own emotions or intellect, to get me going. I just have no idea what that might be, or even where to look.

*Not that my parents would have had a clue how to encourage me in such things but check out this amazing ten-year-old power lifter. Watch the videos linked at the article. She is amazing.

Comments

[curieuse.livejournal.com]

I don't have much of any use to say, of course, but I really am sorry you're feeling bad. Nothing sucks quite like feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. To the degree that each of us has been there, we know, and I'm sorry.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you. This sort of misery doesn't really love company (at least mine doesn't), but it is good to remember that I am not alone, or special. *solidarity fistbump*

[etcet.livejournal.com]

Find something to kick ass at, said ass you which can totally kick today, and kick it. And keep kicking.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I might be able to kick the ass of my filthy stove this evening. It is in dire need of a good scrubbing.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

also, my grammar in that second phrase.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

It happens to the best of us.

[carmy-w.livejournal.com]

*hugs, if you want them*

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[anomali.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with so much body hell.

All I can offer as far as living with chronic health issues is empathy. We can only transcend them for so long before we get disspirited and depressed and have to find some way to get back up again. I know. Waking up every morning to a body that is painful and dysfunctional and which keeps me from many of the activities I enjoy the most has made my body seem more like an adversary than a helpful part of me. Add in the weight I gained after my long period of enforced immobility and weight-increasing meds and it has become even more difficult to make peace with this shell of mine. Of course,like us all, I am stuck with it, so I have to find a way to make the best of it. I know that we are both doing this to the best of our ability, but I also know that sometimes it just all seems like too much.

I do have a book recommendation for you concerning weight. It is Gina Kolata's "Rethinking Thin", which I found quite enlightening. I suspect that there are very good biological reasons that your body is refusing to budge when it comes to losing the pounds/inches, despite all of your efforts. This book deals, in large part, with the studies of weight gain, loss, maintenance, and re-gain that are rarely, if ever, published outside academia.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

my body seem more like an adversary

Yes yes yes. I know I've said it before, in a similar post to this, that I want to hate my body for normal reasons. I just want to be able to hate that my breasts are too small or my ass is too big or my upper arms are too flabby. I mean, is it too much to ask that I have the opportunity hate my body for purely superficial reasons?

YAY the library actually has that book! I'll head down right after work to check it out. Thank you for the recommendation. Edit: Oh, dang. It's checked out. Okay, putting it on reserve/hold!

[anomali.livejournal.com]

I'm the one who has it; ) I will be returning it this afternoon, though, so you should be able to get it whenever they process it.

"I want to hate my body for normal reasons." I hear ya!

Until this weight gain, the appearance of my body never concerned me much, even as a teenager. Whereas I have have never been slender nor beautiful,I was fine with how I looked. How I felt,physically and emotionally, was, of course, a whole other issue. Dealing with both these past few years has certainly made for more time of demoralization. Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that I have been able swim, this year would have sunk me. When my body stands in the way of travel, sex (!), and being able to take care of business without hairy strategies, it is hard to remain positive about much of anything.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

When my body stands in the way of travel, sex (!), and being able to take care of business without hairy strategies, it is hard to remain positive about much of anything.

[anomali.livejournal.com]

The chapter in the book that I really opened my eyes was Fat Wars. As someone who has also had more than her share of run ins with the medical establishment and the established dogma of said establishment, I am sure that you will feel a deepening sense of vindication after reading this chapter, in particular.

[grnvixen.livejournal.com]

Yup. Been there, will always be there to a certain degree. The whole dealing with the body wouldn't be so bad, if we didn't have to deal with the medical 'establishment' as well. If my thyroid had been diagnosed correctly even 30 years ago.....but no use thinking about that, just to frustrating. Let me know how you like that book, I'm going to keep an eye out for it. Hang in there!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Let me know how you like that book

Will do! You hang in there, too.

[nottygypsy.livejournal.com]

You have a beautiful mind.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I wish it wasn't so heavily influenced by what goes on south of it.

[chronovore.livejournal.com]

I am impressed with your ability to keep at it. It must be so frustrating to have your body be uncooperative.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Fear is a powerful motivator, and I am terrified of being physically incapacitated to the point where I could no longer dance--which would happen after (I estimate) nine to twelve months of no longer being careful about my eating and exercise habits.

[anomali.livejournal.com]

Speaking of which, I accidentally deleted "dance" from between travel and sex in my list. It just guts me at times, so I can only imagine how you would fee;. May this never come to pass.

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

Fear of incapacitation/decrepitude was my initial motivator. It's still lurking there, beneath the surface. I pulled a muscle in my back this week, so there's a setback. But I'm getting back in that saddle, no matter what. No matter how low I may feel, I can always see someone in a far worse situation than I'm in, still givin' 'er. And that makes me keep going. If they can do it, and they're in far worse situations than I am, then why the hell aren't I doing something?

So because of my back, regular push-ups weren't happening last night. In lieu of my diamond push-ups, I did one-handed wall push-ups. Not hard on my back, but still making myself work....

Dunno if the ramble helped at all, but it's my groggy, jet-lagged two cents' worth.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I was wondering what was up with you. Haven't seen you around in a while, but didn't want to poke you if something was up. Sorry to hear about your back, but I'm glad to hear you're (somewhat) still up and at 'em.

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

I was in freakin' PERU, mofo! :D

I pulled a muscle in my back on Monday doing thrusters. I don't think it's serious, but I'm taking a few days off to be sure it's healed before I start lifting again.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

GURL WHERE ARE YOUR TRAVEL PHOTOS?

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

I dumped them all, unsorted into my FB. I am working on doing a write-up today to put the best ones in context. You can look at everything here, though: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151108254749864.451204.511799863&type=3&l=9e71c2c196

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[sherwood21.livejournal.com]

Your body's a jerk. You have every right to be mad at it. I hope you are able to find some tools in your head to make your body stfu.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I love this comment. =D

[hdsqrl.livejournal.com]

In brighter news, you do, at least, have amazing hair.

*toasts to your hair with a wine glass filled with flaxseed oil, or some other healthy sort of shit that we're supposed to be drinking in place of wine*

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

HA! Yes, my hair is Fucking Amazing.

Forget that healthy shit and bring on the wine, sister.

[mckitterick.livejournal.com]

A toast! A toast! To CR's amazing hair!

That little girl is AMAZING.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

*clink*!

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

not getting my tonsils out, starve-and-binge behavior from childhood through my teen years, a lack of information about how hormonal birth control was affecting me, undiagnosed immune disease that led to chronic fatigue

Check, check, check, check. Plus an inherited disorder (I refuse to call it a disease) that makes every day a lesson in surprises. *grrrrrr.*

There are days I know that I was overall *happier* when I was going full tilt and not giving a shit, eating as I pleased, drinking, drugging it up at times and then collapsing in a heap for a day or two. "Ignorance is bliss" is so true in that case.

I'm also open to suggestions for making new headspace.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I was overall *happier* when I was going full tilt and not giving a shit, eating as I pleased, drinking, drugging it up at times and then collapsing in a heap for a day or two.

Yep.

I'm also open to suggestions for making new headspace.

Look for a post in the next day or two. I got some really good advice from a friend in an email.

[shrijani.livejournal.com]

I made my most recent post before reading this post of yours, but I am feeling something very similar toward these social media commands to LOVE AND ACCEPT MY BODY. One from a Facebook page to which I am subscribed (for the moment) set me right off this evening. It demanded that all women everywhere flip that switch that makes you LOVE YOUR BODY and commence believing that it is beautiful as it is. One of the comments said something to the effect of LOVE YOUR BODY AND STOP WHINING.

Fucking pissed me off. It seems to be a big meme right now, a meme-slash-edict that all women everywhere must immediately commence full-time, unconditional love and complete acceptance of their own bodies, or it is a betrayal against all of womankind.

My disordered rambling pushes into other areas, but the body thing is a huge part of it. I agree completely that we need to find positive motivation within ourselves to continue positive behaviors, but I am really only feeling motivated right now to lash out against the bullshit.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

*fistbump*

I felt motivated to pour a giant glass of wine and pull up some of my favorite porn.

[alryssa.livejournal.com]

I understand where you're coming from, in the need to find that reinforcement from within rather than from other people. I do think you are pretty awesome, though, FWIW. Motivation is never easy, especially when you feel like you're constantly fighting your own brain and body to do it. There are good days and bad days and downright awful days. But I know that over time, the good days get more plentiful and the bad days get fewer. Self discipline is so fucking hard, honestly, so sticking to it is a strength in of itself, even if you do have the occasional setback. Sometimes you just have to let yourself have that setback so you can wake up and try again.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you just have to let yourself have that setback so you can wake up and try again.

Hold that thought! =D It will play a part in the counterpoint to this post that I hope to get up today or tomorrow.

[theoneinblue.livejournal.com]

So sorry for all the pain and frustration and setbacks, and wishing I had a way to relieve some of it. Sending much love, and hugs if you want them.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you!