clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2012-09-14 10:22 am
clevermanka) wrote2012-09-14 10:22 am
Entry tags:
It's hard to dance with a devil on your back
On Wednesday, soon after I posted my tale of woe on LJ, I emailed a friend of mine who has similar health problems and writes a fantastic blog where she doesn't shy away from tough topics or sugar-coat (ha) the hard stuff. This is the same person who introduced me to the phrase "the best version of me," which I love because it eliminates any possibility of comparing myself to other people and measuring myself against impossible standards. She is a very wise woman. So I asked her the same question: What about people who hate their body, not because of how it looks but because it betrays them on a regular basis?
Her response was fantastic: "Your body is doing its best right now. And being mad at your body for not being stronger is like being mad at your body for being its height or for your eye color. Strength is pretty much objective: you can lift it or you can't. For me, I've been able to find freedom in that because there's no value judgment. You're not 'less than' because you're not strong enough to lift a particular weight, anymore than you're 'less than' because you're not 5'11"."
Your body is doing its best right now. Your body is doing its best right now. My body is doing its best right now. My body is doing its best right now.
These health problems are not my fault, and neither are they the fault of my body. I carried so much anger and hate toward my body because I was trying so hard to be healthy, and I felt like my body was betraying me. But my body is struggling along with me, doing its best to keep me going--sacrificing certain functions just to keep me moving, keeping me from falling down.
My body is doing its best right now.
How amazing is that idea? So simple and obvious, but it didn't occur to me to think of it like that. It's so good to have smart friends with helpful words.
I shall stop being angry at my body. Why do I feel like I need to be angry at something anyway? If I need to be angry (and that's something else I need to examine further), there are so many things to be angry about right now--the current culture of misogyny that seems to be getting worse than ever, the disdain and uncomprehending privilege directed at people living in generational poverty, the fear and hate toward people who don't subscribe to a hetero-normative family or relationship--I mean COME ON. There is so much to be angry about in the world. Why direct that anger inward? Whom does that help? If I'm going to be angry (and that is a big if, because let's face it, anger doesn't help decrease cortisol), I might as well make it count. That's introspection for another day, though.
Starting today, the energy I used for being angry at my body and sad that I can't do certain things shall be otherwise used. I don't know that I can go so far as to say I'm going to love my body. For one, I am a firm believer in small change, and for two, I am uncomfortable with whole notion of loving one's body. Liking, appreciating, reveling in the sensations of, okay, yes. Not sure I'm on board with the idea of loving my (or anyone's) body.
But anyway, no more effort squandered on something as useless as hating my body. I'm done. That hate wasn't doing us any good. And how can I hate something that's working just as hard as I am to make myself the best version of me?
Her response was fantastic: "Your body is doing its best right now. And being mad at your body for not being stronger is like being mad at your body for being its height or for your eye color. Strength is pretty much objective: you can lift it or you can't. For me, I've been able to find freedom in that because there's no value judgment. You're not 'less than' because you're not strong enough to lift a particular weight, anymore than you're 'less than' because you're not 5'11"."
Your body is doing its best right now. Your body is doing its best right now. My body is doing its best right now. My body is doing its best right now.
These health problems are not my fault, and neither are they the fault of my body. I carried so much anger and hate toward my body because I was trying so hard to be healthy, and I felt like my body was betraying me. But my body is struggling along with me, doing its best to keep me going--sacrificing certain functions just to keep me moving, keeping me from falling down.
My body is doing its best right now.
How amazing is that idea? So simple and obvious, but it didn't occur to me to think of it like that. It's so good to have smart friends with helpful words.
I shall stop being angry at my body. Why do I feel like I need to be angry at something anyway? If I need to be angry (and that's something else I need to examine further), there are so many things to be angry about right now--the current culture of misogyny that seems to be getting worse than ever, the disdain and uncomprehending privilege directed at people living in generational poverty, the fear and hate toward people who don't subscribe to a hetero-normative family or relationship--I mean COME ON. There is so much to be angry about in the world. Why direct that anger inward? Whom does that help? If I'm going to be angry (and that is a big if, because let's face it, anger doesn't help decrease cortisol), I might as well make it count. That's introspection for another day, though.
Starting today, the energy I used for being angry at my body and sad that I can't do certain things shall be otherwise used. I don't know that I can go so far as to say I'm going to love my body. For one, I am a firm believer in small change, and for two, I am uncomfortable with whole notion of loving one's body. Liking, appreciating, reveling in the sensations of, okay, yes. Not sure I'm on board with the idea of loving my (or anyone's) body.
But anyway, no more effort squandered on something as useless as hating my body. I'm done. That hate wasn't doing us any good. And how can I hate something that's working just as hard as I am to make myself the best version of me?