It's hard to dance with a devil on your back

[clevermanka]

On Wednesday, soon after I posted my tale of woe on LJ, I emailed a friend of mine who has similar health problems and writes a fantastic blog where she doesn't shy away from tough topics or sugar-coat (ha) the hard stuff. This is the same person who introduced me to the phrase "the best version of me," which I love because it eliminates any possibility of comparing myself to other people and measuring myself against impossible standards. She is a very wise woman. So I asked her the same question: What about people who hate their body, not because of how it looks but because it betrays them on a regular basis?

Her response was fantastic: "Your body is doing its best right now. And being mad at your body for not being stronger is like being mad at your body for being its height or for your eye color. Strength is pretty much objective: you can lift it or you can't. For me, I've been able to find freedom in that because there's no value judgment. You're not 'less than' because you're not strong enough to lift a particular weight, anymore than you're 'less than' because you're not 5'11"."

Your body is doing its best right now. Your body is doing its best right now. My body is doing its best right now. My body is doing its best right now.

These health problems are not my fault, and neither are they the fault of my body. I carried so much anger and hate toward my body because I was trying so hard to be healthy, and I felt like my body was betraying me. But my body is struggling along with me, doing its best to keep me going--sacrificing certain functions just to keep me moving, keeping me from falling down.

My body is doing its best right now.

How amazing is that idea? So simple and obvious, but it didn't occur to me to think of it like that. It's so good to have smart friends with helpful words.

I shall stop being angry at my body. Why do I feel like I need to be angry at something anyway? If I need to be angry (and that's something else I need to examine further), there are so many things to be angry about right now--the current culture of misogyny that seems to be getting worse than ever, the disdain and uncomprehending privilege directed at people living in generational poverty, the fear and hate toward people who don't subscribe to a hetero-normative family or relationship--I mean COME ON. There is so much to be angry about in the world. Why direct that anger inward? Whom does that help? If I'm going to be angry (and that is a big if, because let's face it, anger doesn't help decrease cortisol), I might as well make it count. That's introspection for another day, though.

Starting today, the energy I used for being angry at my body and sad that I can't do certain things shall be otherwise used. I don't know that I can go so far as to say I'm going to love my body. For one, I am a firm believer in small change, and for two, I am uncomfortable with whole notion of loving one's body. Liking, appreciating, reveling in the sensations of, okay, yes. Not sure I'm on board with the idea of loving my (or anyone's) body.

But anyway, no more effort squandered on something as useless as hating my body. I'm done. That hate wasn't doing us any good. And how can I hate something that's working just as hard as I am to make myself the best version of me?

Comments

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

What a great post and what a great thing to remind oneself.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad it didn't disappoint. =)

[msmitti.livejournal.com]

Love the idea of a "best version of me." Will ponder that. And, I will check out her blog. at lunch ;)

I have my own issues with anger that I cannot seem to overcome. I recognize that it is exhausting physically and mentally and damaging in other ways. It is probably the most powerful thing I experience, and I applaud you for being able to redirect it.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Being angry is exhausting, but I find it's easier to be angry at something than it is to find a way to be at peace with it. It's most definitely, though, not the best state in which to be--at least not frequently and for extended periods. I hope you find a way to deal with your own anger issues.

[curieuse.livejournal.com]

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[shrijani.livejournal.com]

*internalizing and applying sequence engaged*

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Let me know how you fare with incorporating it into your brain long-term. I know it's not going to be easy for me. But neither was giving up sugar. Or coffee. I can do this. So can you.

[mckitterick.livejournal.com]

Your body is doing its best right now: such an important thing to keep in mind! You're right, it really is doing its best to keep going, trading this for that, sacrificing some things to keep functioning. Pretty impressive that you can do all the physical things you do, when you think about it that way!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Pretty impressive that you can do all the physical things you do, when you think about it that way!

Yes. Feel free to remind me of this. Frequently. I'll probably need help shifting gears on this. I've been in this mindset for a long time.

[mckitterick.livejournal.com]

One word (well, it's a compound word, but you get the idea): CrossFit. Dood, how many people stick with it for as long as you have, even when it's hard?

Another (similarly compound): bellydance. Even when you feel like crap, you get out there and entertain the hell out of people. Even when you aren't happy with how your body looks, you make beautiful costumes and dance all full of joy.

YOU ROCK.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Well, I mean about correcting me when I say things like "I hate this stupid body!" or "why is my body doing this to meeeeeee?"

Even when you're tired, man. Even when you're tired.

[mckitterick.livejournal.com]

You got it!

[annamatic.livejournal.com]

I need this mantra for myself as I detox from sugars, grains, basically do the Whole30. I've had a whole slew of health problems all my adult life: migraines (about one a week), neurofibromatosis (a congenital genetic defect that affects my posture, my nerve function, and my skin), overweight, bipolar depression and anxiety disorder, god, so many things. I try and keep on top of things but so many times I'm also ANGRY at myself, like I got shortchanged with this stupid meatpile that never seems to do anything right.

Hopefully Whole30 can realign some of that... as I take better care of my dietary choices and be more vigilant with what I'm taking in thataway... the mental stuff might therefore follow. Hopefully.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize you were doing a Whole30. GO YOU!!! That's fantastic! Let me know if there anything I can do to help or encourage you. I hope it helps you. Well, I know it will help you. I hope it encourages good change that you stick with. YAY!

[belluthien.livejournal.com]

Love this!!! You have a very wise friend there. YAY!
y

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Yes, indeed! We fell out of touch for many years and I'm very glad we reconnected.

[theoneinblue.livejournal.com]

Such smartness, and so true. Thank you for sharing!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I hope it can help with some of your issues, too. XOXO

[anomali.livejournal.com]

"My body is doing its best right now."

Someone said a version of this to me earlier this week in relationship to my body struggles as well. Of course, I did retort that it would be easier if my body didn't have tell me about her efforts in such a kvetchy way; )

Seriously, though, this has been on my mind all week between the Kolata book, the conversation to which I'm referring, your post on Wed and this one, and the thoughts behind my post on FB earlier today:

"It has come to my attention that, in an effort to cope with chronic pain over the years, I have learned to ignore most of what my body has to say, just as I've seen people do with whiny, constantly complaining family members. This needs to change."

It is time that I make peace with my body and begin to really listen what she has to say to me. You never know, if I listen to her more, maybe she won't need to complain so much. Could happen.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I've been consciously incorporating this way of thinking the past few days and I've come to some interesting conclusions. I'll write more about that and put it up on Monday.

[anomali.livejournal.com]

I look forward to reading about what you have learned from this experience so far.

I've also been trying to tune in rather than tune out what my body has to say. It has been...well...odd. On one hand, I have had some nasty irritated eye and inflamed inner ear issue of unknown origin that have made two of my senses wacky. At the same time, my eating habits seem to be shifting in unexpected ways. I will stay tuned and see what comes of it all. I'm sure my Body Journal will tell quite a tale after six months of keeping track of it all.

[anomali.livejournal.com]

And my support in all your efforts: )

[carmy-w.livejournal.com]

*applause*

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

*gestures to my Smart Friend and bows with her*

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

OH, this is so hard to incorporate!
I mean that in a "challenge to be taken" and not a "whiny-won't-try" way.

My body is doing its best right now, therefore it behooves me to support, not sabotage its efforts.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Good luck and let me know how it goes for you!

[chronovore.livejournal.com]

This is all good to hear. It's so useless to be angry in most cases, and it can be just destructive internally. Instead of divorcing yourself from your corporeal component and screaming at it as if it were a bad pet or misbehaving child, you recognize that it's doing what it can for you.

I also saw this today, which was pretty great:
http://jezebel.com/5942682/amy-poehler-teaches-you-to-feel-better-about-your-body

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

That might work for some people, and that's one of the things that my friend mentioned--gratitude. But that didn't really work for me. I'm kind of in the same boat as the person who replied: "this advice annoys the shit out of me because I have never been able to make it stick in my head. Probably because there is literally not one single thing about my body I am grateful for. I have also never been convinced that good things cancel out bad things because I have a hard time seeing what one has to do with the other. And I feel like it's the default advice you give to women who hate their bodies and it depresses me because it does not work for me."

Which is why the "your body is doing the best it can" resonated with me. My body might be doing, frankly, pretty damn shitty. But at that moment, pretty damn shitty might be the best it can do, and I can't be angry at something doing its best.

[sherwood21.livejournal.com]

This is such an awesome way to look at it. Just because your body can't keep up with you, and it's frustrating and exhausting, doesn't mean it's worth being angry about. Switching gears and not fighting against your body, but with it, sounds like a good plan. :)

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Switching gears and not fighting against your body, but with it, sounds like a good plan

It's been an interesting few days! I'll be writing another post about my experiences with it in the early stages soon.