clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2012-09-21 10:19 am
clevermanka) wrote2012-09-21 10:19 am
Entry tags:
Experiences in not hating my body
Here is the promised update on my experiences so far with Not Hating My Body.
It hasn't been as difficult as I feared, which is fantastic. This means that I was ready for this change, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So that was helpful. In my opinion, it's impossible for anyone to achieve positive and lasting change about anything internal if s/he isn't ready for that change in all aspects. I can be committed as hell to something, but if I'm not ready for that change? It ain't gonna happen.
The first couple days, I was in a weird sort of equilibrium place where I didn't feel better (I felt incredibly run down, honestly, and all I wanted to do was lie down), but I let myself be at peace with it. Then I started having strong emotional reactions every once in a while. I would get frustrated at being fatigued, but would revise that thought to feeling compassion for my poor body trying so hard, and I swear I got choked up and teary just thinking about MY POOR BODY. Here I'd been feeling sad and sorry for myself because I can't do what I wanted when I wanted (and geez now I realize that sounds like such a child). But all the while, my body needed some sympathy and pity, too, and now that it's getting it, it doesn't know what to do except Get All Emotional.
Thankfully, that passed within a few days and now I'm just sort of chill about it.
It was surprisingly easy to slip into a mentality of being at peace with my body's problems. When I found myself getting frustrated because I was tired (either from walking up a flight of stairs or just exhausted halfway through the workday), I took a few moments to breathe and check in with what was going on. Were my quads fatigued? I relaxed and rubbed them, happy I could make it up the stairs at all instead of taking the elevator. Was I having trouble motivating myself off the couch to make dinner? I leaned back on a pillow and closed my eyes for fifteen minutes--dinner was a little late and that was fine. I didn't make myself do anything. And sometimes I took the elevator, too.
In addition to giving it a break, I've been paying attention to my body. I feel like my heart is pounding harder than it should when I wake up, both in the morning or from my afternoon nap. I've been ravenous this week. I'm fatigued, brain-wise and body-wise--so I'm sleepy, and my muscles get weary doing even simple things (like walking up those stairs). And while I'm aware of these things on a more intimate level than I was before, I don't let myself get worked up about them.
We're doing our best, me and my body.
I admit, this not-hating business is extra challenging today when I'm home with debilitating cramps that kept me awake for large portions of last night. I haven't had this kind of drive-me-to-my-knees-in-pain menstrual cramps for a while. Which is good. I'm just not enjoying the reminder of how good it was not having them.
It hasn't been as difficult as I feared, which is fantastic. This means that I was ready for this change, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So that was helpful. In my opinion, it's impossible for anyone to achieve positive and lasting change about anything internal if s/he isn't ready for that change in all aspects. I can be committed as hell to something, but if I'm not ready for that change? It ain't gonna happen.
The first couple days, I was in a weird sort of equilibrium place where I didn't feel better (I felt incredibly run down, honestly, and all I wanted to do was lie down), but I let myself be at peace with it. Then I started having strong emotional reactions every once in a while. I would get frustrated at being fatigued, but would revise that thought to feeling compassion for my poor body trying so hard, and I swear I got choked up and teary just thinking about MY POOR BODY. Here I'd been feeling sad and sorry for myself because I can't do what I wanted when I wanted (and geez now I realize that sounds like such a child). But all the while, my body needed some sympathy and pity, too, and now that it's getting it, it doesn't know what to do except Get All Emotional.
Thankfully, that passed within a few days and now I'm just sort of chill about it.
It was surprisingly easy to slip into a mentality of being at peace with my body's problems. When I found myself getting frustrated because I was tired (either from walking up a flight of stairs or just exhausted halfway through the workday), I took a few moments to breathe and check in with what was going on. Were my quads fatigued? I relaxed and rubbed them, happy I could make it up the stairs at all instead of taking the elevator. Was I having trouble motivating myself off the couch to make dinner? I leaned back on a pillow and closed my eyes for fifteen minutes--dinner was a little late and that was fine. I didn't make myself do anything. And sometimes I took the elevator, too.
In addition to giving it a break, I've been paying attention to my body. I feel like my heart is pounding harder than it should when I wake up, both in the morning or from my afternoon nap. I've been ravenous this week. I'm fatigued, brain-wise and body-wise--so I'm sleepy, and my muscles get weary doing even simple things (like walking up those stairs). And while I'm aware of these things on a more intimate level than I was before, I don't let myself get worked up about them.
We're doing our best, me and my body.
I admit, this not-hating business is extra challenging today when I'm home with debilitating cramps that kept me awake for large portions of last night. I haven't had this kind of drive-me-to-my-knees-in-pain menstrual cramps for a while. Which is good. I'm just not enjoying the reminder of how good it was not having them.
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I was always lucky in that regard; till I started getting all the growths in my abdomen, I never really had ANY pain in my innards. And even then, I still didn't have period cramps.
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Aiee, cramps. Mine used to be dreadful. Nothing helped short of a hysterectomy, which I got for other reasons, but it fixed the cramps too. I try not to blame my body for that either. I figure I was a victim of evolution and the complex hormonal balance that made reproduction possible, and which we're stuck with even when we don't particularly want to reproduce. I hope yours get better soon.
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Hooray!