Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters For The Fucking Win

[clevermanka]

mckitterick and I saw Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters yesterday. This movie was made for me. Oh my god. It was so so so perfect. It was so perfect I need to talk about it in bullet points.

• It was funny. Like really funny. Self-aware and just-campy-enough without going into intentional B-movie camp levels. There are several great lines (like "Where did you get those guns?"--a question nobody answers, btw), and more sass than you can shake a stick at.


• It's violent. And bloody. This could be one of the most realistically violent fantasy movies I've ever seen. The gore was funny but shockingly accurate. It had the most believable broken nose smash I've ever seen.


• A diabetic main character. A tad unrealistic in regards to his rapid decline into diabetic coma state, but still. DIABETES in a FANTASY SHOOT-EM-UP FLICK. So ridiculous, but what a fantastic tidbit to throw at a character.


• Gretel is never threatened with sexual assault, nor is she treated any differently in the fights than Hansel. She's smarter and more aggressive than Hansel. In fact, now that I think about it, this film passes the Bechdel test. WOW.


• The costumes are amazing. Perfect low-brow fantasy leather that shows off both main actor's attributes without being insultingly revealing or impractical.


• Wonderfully-timed pepperings of F-bombs. Not overdone, not too many, and used to good comedic effect.


• The writers didn't shirk from an implied incestuous relationship, but they didn't make it creepy and important to the plot, either. It was just a sort of "yeah probably but so what" thing.


• Zero annoying tropes. Near the end of the movie, there's a circumstance where Gretel says/does something in the middle of a big fight and instead of having drama about OMG GRETEL WTF RU DOIN, Hansel just sorta shrugs and accepts her actions because he knows his sister is smart and capable. Do you realize how rare that is? There were several times in the movie that I thought "Oh god, here we go down that road again" but they never did. Even the nude/sex scene was kind of adorable instead of being gratuitous and eyeroll-worthy.


• The 3D is not annoying. In fact, it's hilarious at times--especially when body parts or broken furniture is coming right at you. I'm glad I saw it in 3D which is (no shit) the first time I have ever said that about a movie.


• The action does not let up. This is the first movie I have ever seen with mckitterick that he did not get up to go to the bathroom. Granted, it's a short movie, but still. He even got up to pee during Red Dawn, but not this one. It's short and fast and intense.


This is not a show for people who don't like gore and violence. This is not a show for people who don't have a sense of humor when it comes to anachronisms. But if you are a fan of funny, violent, bloody movies that don't take themselves too seriously, Go See This Film and, if you can, see it in the theater. The effects are spectacular.