How focusing on strength and admiting I'm not special helped me stop care about my appearance

[clevermanka]

I started working with Andrew on April 21st. That's sixteen(ish) weeks. That's...a lot of weeks. Basically, I've been working with him for a semester. o_O I've learned what I can do, what I can't do, what I want to do, and a host of other things related to how I feel about myself and my body.

What I Can Do
I can lift heavy things, put them down, and lift them again without hurting myself or bystanders. I can push or pull a heavy object across a parking lot while maintaining good posture and form. I can perform a taxing movement enough times that it leaves me weak and shaking in a good way. I can suffer through any exercise movement, even burpees, with no complaint because AT LEAST I'M NOT RUNNING. I can always, always find the energy to raise my arms above my head in triumph after finishing a workout.

What I Can't Do
I can't push myself through a 15-20 minute metcon (Metabolic Conditioning) workout without triggering a fatigue flare-up that lasts for a week. I can't exercise in the evening without messing up my cortisol levels for a few days (and if my energy levels don't allow for morning exercise, I shrug it off and get on with my day and I don't berate myself for skipping a workout).

What I Want to Do
I want to climb a rope. I want to do an unassisted, strict form pull-up. I want to deadlift more than my bodyweight. I want to keep doing this.

I've learned a lot and changed a lot about my attitude and motivations, too. My perception of how I look hasn't changed. I still look doughy and puffy to me (although mckitterick assures me otherwise), but I care less about that. I don't care so much that my upper arms look flabby because now I do tricep dips with my legs fully extended. I don't care so much that my belly is bigger than it has been since I weighed 190lbs because now I pull my knees higher than my hips when I'm hanging from a pull-up bar. I don't care so much that my thighs hang over my kneecaps a bit because now I do weighted squats without my left knee caving in. Note my uses of I don't care so much, though. I'm not completely over body image issues--let's be honest. I'm worlds better than I used to be, and that's important and valuable.

This all coalesced in my brain last week when I was walking around campus. I saw a woman who looked to be about my age and height, but slim, with not much muscle. She had a flat belly and looked good in her narrow skirt and tank top. But her stride was uneven and her shoulders slumped. She didn't look strong. I was amazed by the realization that I would rather look the way I look right now, for the rest of my life, than trade body types with her. I don't want this to sound like I judged her for not being muscled or that I thought to myself "Someone get her a sammich!" because it wasn't about her. It was about me and the amazing, beautiful, and wholly new concept that, given a magical wand to switch appearances, I would not trade with her. I would rather continue soldiering on with my current physique because I feel strong in my body now, and strong feels good. Feeling strong feels better than looking a certain way.

I've also been influenced by observing a friend of mine who has been going through her own body image issues. She's displeased with recent weight gain and yes, I'm not going to lie, it is noticeable. She does look different than she did three years ago, but she is no less gorgeous, sexy, or desirable for it. I will be the first to admit that I am not special or better or more evolved than anyone else, so if I feel this way about her, why would I question the possibility that others feel that way about me? It's not like my fat is somehow different than anyone else's fat--that my fat is somehow uglier or less appealing just because it's on my body. What a ridiculous notion.

The combination of these two realizations is huge. Huge and freeing.

Feeling this way means saying Fuck It regarding those two inches I wanted to lose around my waist before Renaissance Festival. Feeling this way means I'll not wear a choli under my bra on super hot performance days even though my arms jiggle and the flesh around my bra strap folds over the top. Feeling this way means I don't give a good god damn that anyone might think (or say) I'm too fat to wear a two-piece costume (despite the fact that my abs are visible when I do rib slides or oblique-driven hip movements). Feeling this way is fucking fantastic.

This does not mean I'll become complacent about continuing and improving my movement and activity levels. It also doesn't mean I'm no longer focused on eliminating my swelling issues. Body confidence or no, ending the day in clothing so tight that buttons strain when they were loose that morning is a serious drag and uncomfortable to boot. It does mean that hallelujah, I'm becoming free of the overwhelming obsession/oppression of how I appear to others.

Comments

[blackdwarv.livejournal.com]

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[blackdwarv.livejournal.com]

No, seriously. I need to do something similar for myself. Someday.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

It's been an amazing process. I've worked to feel comfortable in my body my entire adult life, but it's started to gel in the past few months. I'm convinced that using strength-building as a motivator, instead of just wanting to look good, helped me more than anything.

[saffronhare.livejournal.com]

This post is amazing and wonderful. Almost as amazing and wonderful as my ass, which I am learning to love almost as much as my husband does. :) THANK YOU.

This, right here, is also why I'm not freaking out about whether I look "good enough" to learn about rolling out with you. (don' be hatin' .... we be rollin')

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

That's fantastic! I'm super happy for you.

don' be hatin' .... we be rollin'

HA HA HA HA HA I LOVE THIS.

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

So happy for you!!! Although I have quit fretting about most of my own issues, I still want to improve some things as well, mostly endurance.
Being focused and pleased with myself FEELS good in a way that being my former definition of fit and pleasing to see never did. It comes in bits and spurts, but the glimmer of it keeps me reaching.

Learning to like "my new normal".. if you will.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy to hear you're working toward a similar place! It's a good place.

NGL, tho, I wouldn't turn down having Kat Dennings's body. In any sense of the word "having."

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

I'm tellin' ya!! She's an inspiration, isn't she? A very hot.. very hot.. inspiration.

[sdemory.livejournal.com]

Add to the "can do" list that, unless you concentrate on it, you stand like a goddamned superhero. Not only is that attractive in its own right (because the only thing hotter than Wonder Woman is Wonder Woman and Power Girl at the same time while Supergirl watches,) it says volumes about how your new physical capacity is integrated into your overall self.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Ha! Well, I've always had good posture. THANK YOU, GRANDMA.

It was tiring to walk around like Dead Girl, and I often found myself thinking "slump! slump! shuffle!" Thank you for noticing. That's awesome.

Edit:
you stand like a goddamned superhero

The more I think about it, the more I realize this is one of the most awesome compliments I've ever received. Thank you. Seriously. Thank you.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

FUCK YEAH

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[msmitti.livejournal.com]

"given a magical wand to switch appearances, I would not trade with her. I would rather continue soldiering on with my current physique because I feel strong in my body now, and strong feels good. Feeling strong feels better than looking a certain way."

SO MUCH AWESOME!!!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes it is. SO much awesome.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

I'll be in a bunk.

[sherwood21.livejournal.com]

This is how awesome you are:
(http://smg.photobucket.com/user/barefootseamstress/media/gif/vfDBD_zps90040a3b.gif.html)

This is how happy I feel for you that you feel good and better about yourself:
(http://smg.photobucket.com/user/barefootseamstress/media/gif/vAGYK_zps11c8c498.gif.html)

[nottygypsy.livejournal.com]

I am happy with this post.

You are, and always will be one of my hottest friends. (of which I have many, my friends are HOT)

[aprilstarchild.livejournal.com]

It drives me bonkers that I find plenty of fat girls to be super-hot and then hate the way I look when I gain weight (except for my bigger tits). What in the fuck is up with that bullshit.

I'm working on it. I still find myself, sometimes, feeling hot or not based on the size of my belly that day. Gaaah.

BUT. My calves right now are so well-defined when I flex! And my arms are getting stronger and that's never happened to me before! Go mail-carrying, fuck yes.

"It's not like my fat is somehow different than anyone else's fat--that my fat is somehow uglier or less appealing just because it's on my body. What a ridiculous notion." YES THIS THIS THIIIIIS

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

OMG best Bruce Lee gif ever.

And that's pretty damn happy! =D

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Awww. Thank you, bb.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Good for you for recognizing and working on it! I've recognized the dichotomy for years, but I've only recently started to internalize it.

It's good, but not easy.

[pointoforigin.livejournal.com]

Lots of admiration for this post and the work behind it! Thanks for putting out so much to think about. I really liked the part about realizing that you don't want to switch shapes with someone else. I've been realizing that lately, too. Even when I admire the way someone else looks, there are very few people I would even consider changing with. I think that's pretty important to know.

[pointoforigin.livejournal.com]

Oh, the Kurt Russell! Swoon/LOL!

[tessagratton.livejournal.com]

THIS IS AWESOME.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I love that movie so much.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[kazoogrrl.livejournal.com]

When I was in my early twenties I worked in the cafe at Border's. We had a milk dispenser that took 5 gallon bag in boxes of milk, which weight about 45 pounds. I was the only woman who could easily pull the crates out of the fridge and load up the dispense. I worked with young women who couldn't even drag the crates out of the fridge, but less hoist them up to the counter. I was shocked.

Then, about 10 years ago, I was at the beach and was watching this older woman, frail and bent over, carefully walk down the beach. I thought to myself, "I don't want to end up like that!" Sure, I can't predict or head off every single bad health thing that comes along, who knows what hand I'll be dealt, but I can try to do my best to be a healthier, stronger, fitter old person. I can do my best to be a healthier, stronger, fitter me, now!

[siro-gravity.livejournal.com]

Wow. What a powerful post!!
and INSIGHTFUL.
the bit about preferring to be in your strong body, to being in her thin slumped one...the point about how you feel that your friend is still beautiful with her extra pounds, so why believe that others would feel any different about you.
yeah!
GO YOU!!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

This this this ALL OF THIS. Yes. I look at how frail my mother has become (my mother, who used to be 5'10" and super intimidating, physically) due to complete lack of exercise and good eating habits. She's shorter than me, now, and I'm barely 5'7". She has problems walking any distance, or lifting anything over her head, and her grip strength is just gone. Talk about sobering.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

It's been a long road to get here, but it's so good to at least arrive on the doorstep! I'm happy the post made you happy!

[kazoogrrl.livejournal.com]

The same thing is happening with my mom. Sometimes I am shocked when I see her, she was always so capable and strong when I was younger, and it seems like the physical changes are going hand in hand with mental ones too. I'm also shocked that she doesn't take better care of herself because I remember her mother growing older, frailer, and at the mercy of a lifetime of inactivity, bad food choices and no physical exertion (plus the cumulative effect of years of social drinking and oh, how my grandparents smoked!).

Now, my dad's dad spent his life as a farmer, with a stint working in a granite quarry. He was farming into his late 60s, and when they sold the farm he continued to work around the house, cut wood, etc. He was healthy into his 70s, not just healthy but active and mobile. That is much more what I'm aiming for.

[theoneinblue.livejournal.com]

<3. All of it.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Wow, your mom and my mom could form a club.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[e4q.livejournal.com]

This post kicks ass!

And so do you, it turns out!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Why, hello there stranger!

[e4q.livejournal.com]

I know.

*shame face*

[e4q.livejournal.com]

I read this http://heinakroon.com/2013/08/26/fat-and-fit/ after reading this and just popped back to show you the link.

Interesting, right?

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I don't read science "news" anymore. It's all so skewed and faulty. These days, I just pay attention to what works for me.

[e4q.livejournal.com]

That is probably an exceptionally good idea.

The only reason I even read it is because it's a friend's blog and I like his take on things.