clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2014-03-10 11:29 am
clevermanka) wrote2014-03-10 11:29 am
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You wouldn't know it, but I actually ENJOY food and sleeping
I'm making a separate post about my health stuff because I didn't want to distract from the message of the ableism post.
Things ... aren't going so great at the moment. I'm keeping up with the 300 Swings (barely, and through sheer force of will), and I enjoyed my session with Andrew yesterday (I know it makes me an even freakier freak, but I really like thrusters and I get to do them with this week's workout!). That's the good.
The bad is a little more plentiful.
A couple months ago I said how Dr. Khosh was putting me on supplements to boost my progesterone and things were going pretty good in January. I had a record length cycle (twenty-seven days!) and the actual period wasn't horrible. I bled a lot, but only for four days, and the cramping was minimal. I had very few major swelling episodes, and those that occurred weren't egregious. A couple inches, tops. My sleep schedule was fantastic, too. Lots of good sleep, even several eight-hour nights. Amazing. Then February happened. No idea why, but I started spotting mid-cycle and had terrible swelling episodes those same days. Then I started my period after only twenty-one days. While the cramping wasn't debilitating, it was certainly worse than before, and I bled for seven days. Swelling episodes of two to three inches became the norm again. When I reported all this at my visit last Monday, he told me to stop taking the progesterone supplement--give my body a break for two weeks and then resume.
Since then I haven't had six hours of sleep in a night, and I haven't had more than three consecutive hours of sleep at a time. Yesterday I pushed myself physically (my hour session with Andrew, 200 KB swings outside of the workout with him, then deep-cleaned the house for four hours to prepare for a work-related reception) and by 5pm my abdomen was swollen past my boobs (my marker for A Really Bad Swelling Episode).
So that all sucks.
I'm calling Dr. Khosh's office today to say WTF. I also sent a message to my PCP's office (my doctor's office has an email service--it's awesome) to ask about a home lab kit that allows me to check my progesterone levels on a daily basis. Of course once I do get the test, who knows how long it'll take to get this all figured out. Frustrating.
On top of all that, the organizer of the 300 Swings challenge offered to analyze my food intake when I mentioned that I'd had very little luck with losing abdominal fat despite nearly a year of working hard to do so. I'm averaging just under 1,200 calories a day which turns out to be probably not enough for muscle-building. I know I have a lower metabolism than most people--I had my resting metabolic rate tested several years ago and I clocked in at about 1,200 calories. It's likely, though, that with my added muscle (and I have added a bit of muscle, despite this all) I'm running a bit higher these days. In any case, if I want to build muscle (and that's my main goal--the fat loss is just a vanity issue) I can't operate on a caloric deficit.
I've been trying for three days to eat more and have wound up eating less. I don't know if it's psychological sabotage, leftovers from the eating disorder, or just plain bad circumstances (I was incredibly busy this weekend), but at the end of the day I'm like "Wow, all I had was half a batch of tuna salad, some leftover meatballs, and two stalks of ants-on-a-log." <--That was yesterday, btw.
Uuuuuuuuggggggggggh.
On the plus side, this is prepping me nicely for 221B Con, where I'll be operating on very little sleep (because parties) and eating very little (because food options). So...silver lining?
ETA: I need to mention (because it might not be obvious to those who haven't dealt with Eating Disorders) that part of the stress/not eating combo is psychological. I might not be able to control some things (like my body's not sleeping), but I can control what I eat and how I eat. And for thirty years I managed that control by not eating. Not to life-threatening levels. Nobody would ever have looked at me and thought "That girl looks anorexic." And don't get me wrong, 90% of the time I enjoy the fuck out of my food and I can pack it away like nobody's business. But those rare occasions when I'm feeling helpless and discouraged, I succumb to a mentality of Must Control That One Thing and it's really REALLY hard to eat. So just telling myself to eat isn't helpful. Right now I feel like if I ate something it would come right back up. Not a good thing under any circumstances, but especially not a good thing at work. When we've got eight visiting students that we're trying to woo into our graduate program.
Things ... aren't going so great at the moment. I'm keeping up with the 300 Swings (barely, and through sheer force of will), and I enjoyed my session with Andrew yesterday (I know it makes me an even freakier freak, but I really like thrusters and I get to do them with this week's workout!). That's the good.
The bad is a little more plentiful.
A couple months ago I said how Dr. Khosh was putting me on supplements to boost my progesterone and things were going pretty good in January. I had a record length cycle (twenty-seven days!) and the actual period wasn't horrible. I bled a lot, but only for four days, and the cramping was minimal. I had very few major swelling episodes, and those that occurred weren't egregious. A couple inches, tops. My sleep schedule was fantastic, too. Lots of good sleep, even several eight-hour nights. Amazing. Then February happened. No idea why, but I started spotting mid-cycle and had terrible swelling episodes those same days. Then I started my period after only twenty-one days. While the cramping wasn't debilitating, it was certainly worse than before, and I bled for seven days. Swelling episodes of two to three inches became the norm again. When I reported all this at my visit last Monday, he told me to stop taking the progesterone supplement--give my body a break for two weeks and then resume.
Since then I haven't had six hours of sleep in a night, and I haven't had more than three consecutive hours of sleep at a time. Yesterday I pushed myself physically (my hour session with Andrew, 200 KB swings outside of the workout with him, then deep-cleaned the house for four hours to prepare for a work-related reception) and by 5pm my abdomen was swollen past my boobs (my marker for A Really Bad Swelling Episode).
So that all sucks.
I'm calling Dr. Khosh's office today to say WTF. I also sent a message to my PCP's office (my doctor's office has an email service--it's awesome) to ask about a home lab kit that allows me to check my progesterone levels on a daily basis. Of course once I do get the test, who knows how long it'll take to get this all figured out. Frustrating.
On top of all that, the organizer of the 300 Swings challenge offered to analyze my food intake when I mentioned that I'd had very little luck with losing abdominal fat despite nearly a year of working hard to do so. I'm averaging just under 1,200 calories a day which turns out to be probably not enough for muscle-building. I know I have a lower metabolism than most people--I had my resting metabolic rate tested several years ago and I clocked in at about 1,200 calories. It's likely, though, that with my added muscle (and I have added a bit of muscle, despite this all) I'm running a bit higher these days. In any case, if I want to build muscle (and that's my main goal--the fat loss is just a vanity issue) I can't operate on a caloric deficit.
I've been trying for three days to eat more and have wound up eating less. I don't know if it's psychological sabotage, leftovers from the eating disorder, or just plain bad circumstances (I was incredibly busy this weekend), but at the end of the day I'm like "Wow, all I had was half a batch of tuna salad, some leftover meatballs, and two stalks of ants-on-a-log." <--That was yesterday, btw.
Uuuuuuuuggggggggggh.
On the plus side, this is prepping me nicely for 221B Con, where I'll be operating on very little sleep (because parties) and eating very little (because food options). So...silver lining?
ETA: I need to mention (because it might not be obvious to those who haven't dealt with Eating Disorders) that part of the stress/not eating combo is psychological. I might not be able to control some things (like my body's not sleeping), but I can control what I eat and how I eat. And for thirty years I managed that control by not eating. Not to life-threatening levels. Nobody would ever have looked at me and thought "That girl looks anorexic." And don't get me wrong, 90% of the time I enjoy the fuck out of my food and I can pack it away like nobody's business. But those rare occasions when I'm feeling helpless and discouraged, I succumb to a mentality of Must Control That One Thing and it's really REALLY hard to eat. So just telling myself to eat isn't helpful. Right now I feel like if I ate something it would come right back up. Not a good thing under any circumstances, but especially not a good thing at work. When we've got eight visiting students that we're trying to woo into our graduate program.
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Finishing that cup and a half of tuna salad yesterday afternoon was a sheer force of will. I need to eat my second meal of the day soon if I'm going to manage to squeeze in a third meal before dinner (I'm being honest with myself and dealing with the fact that I'm simply not going to be able to eat more at each meal, so I'm adding a meal to my daily eating program--trying to, anyway. I've yet to actually succeed with this). But the idea of putting food in my stomach right now makes it turn over in Not A Good Way.
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Nope. Well, occasionally. Maybe a couple times a year I'll eat until I'm really full. It's a fun treat, but not something I like to do very often. It's physically uncomfortable to me.
If I ate more often than I do right now, I'd be eating six meals a day and I know that Does Not Work for me. Tried it. Will never do that again. Ugh, it was awful. I'm not a grazer. Also, I'm already eating pretty small. My breakfasts and lunches come out of a 12oz glass container, so with the air space required for the lid, it probably comes out to a bit more than a cup of food per meal.
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Damn. I wish that there was a good liquid protein/calorie source that would work for you.
I dunno about sudden withdrawal from the progesterone, but I do know that when I was suddenly without my daily hormones, I have had all the damned symptoms back again, and it's taking ages to get back in balance. Even stranger.. my last bloodwork showed zero/zip/nada hormone levels.. as if I'm not even absorbing/retaining them anymore, so I'm with you on the frustration with it all.
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God, that would be FUCKING MAGICAL. Yes.
when I was suddenly without my daily hormones, I have had all the damned symptoms back again, and it's taking ages to get back in balance
Oh hey, good times.
my last bloodwork showed zero/zip/nada hormone levels.. as if I'm not even absorbing/retaining them anymore
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this nastiness again. Still. MISERY DOES NOT LOVE COMPANY.
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NO IT DOES NOT.
So here's a company of meerkats instead:
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I think it's A Fucking Laugh Riot that I'm dealing with this so soon after mentioning in a different post about not fathoming forgetting to eat and how that corresponds to eating when you're not hungry.
Eating when I wasn't hungry (for emotional reasons) is what led me to start what I think of as "anti-binging," where I didn't eat for a long time to make up for a binge (since I don't have a gag reflex and never could get myself to throw up). And now I have this THING about not eating when I'm not hungry even when I haven't been binge eating.
What a fucking ridiculous situation.
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Eating disorders.
ugh.
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Food issues suck right out loud! I can't really understand where you're coming from, but I kind of can, if that makes any sense at all.
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Among girls whose parents never commented on their weight, 4.2% reported use of any extreme weight control behaviors, while 23.2% of girls whose parents frequently commented on their weight reported use of any of these behaviors. Mothers’ more frequent talk about their own weight, shape, or size was associated with lower self-worth and higher depressive symptomology among girls. Study here (http://www.jeatdisord.com/content/1/1/45/abstract).
And I know I can't blame this all on my mom, but I remember her telling me I was fat when I was about ten years old, and for the next five to six years she monitored and commented on my food intake all the time. Poor Mom.
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I hate people.
Yeah, I'm depressed now. :(
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Maybe for a moment you can pretend my gramma was yours, too.
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Here's to you, Mabel Ash. I wish I could tell you how great you were, and I'm sorry for being a mean and rotten teenager at you sometimes.
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Cheers *raises coffee cup*
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