clevermanka | Great expectations

Lately I've been thinking about how people perceive me--in real life and through LJ. I know: Self-reflection! Whoa. Mark your calendars. This doesn't come around for me too often.

I've been told by more than one boyfriend that I am, in a word, terrifying. And I can say with honesty that I'm rarely approached by strangers in a social setting. I think I have an innate "Don't Fuck With Me" vibe that comes through loud and clear, especially when I'm by myself. I have never--ever--been asked out on a date by someone. Usually I find a person I'm attracted to and then I have to chase them down, knock them out with a club, and drag them off by their hair. I pestered

0verdrive for a date for months before he finally caved to the pressure.

Someone recently shared that when he first met me he was really intimidated by me (I think he actually used the word "scared") because of my looks. Which is, I admit, flattering, but also a sad comment about pretty women in general--are they usually such bitches? Because anyone who's had even a five minute conversation with me is pretty quickly let in on the fact that despite external appearance, I'm a giant dork with the natural grace of a water buffalo.

But that's apparently the Real Life, physical first impression I have on people: Pretty, Scary Girl.

The past two weekends I've noticed an even more interesting phenomenon: The way people react when they are told that I am Chernobyl Red on LJ. The reaction is nearly always a tilted head, cocked eyebrow, occasionally a slight smile/nod, and something along the lines of "Ohhhhh..." I find great amusement in this, because having not been first subjected to the Pretty Scary Girl phenomenon, they realize I'm entirely friendly, approachable, and I bite only when asked nicely.

One of my sister whores confided that, from my comments and journal entries (not to mention the Russian Peasant connotations that go with Chernobyl), she pictured me as an amazon--a large woman with booming voice and grand gestures. What a shock our first meeting must have been for her. Not that I'm tiny, but I am a bit frail boned and I have a very girly voice.

First impressions. I do seem to make strange ones.