Not great, Bob

[clevermanka]

For those who don't follow the conversation over on cm.net, things are not great. I took Thursday off work (off everything, it turned out) because I was so tired. I had hopes of making it out to the eyewear shop to pick out frames, but two false starts put me back in bed for the rest of the day. I couldn't even answer emails. I'm back to getting home from work, barely able to cook dinner (when I am able to do so), and just sitting on the couch until it's time to go to bed.

So I'm back to where I was before I took all that time off work. I'm also back up to the most I've ever weighed (before I got my bad thyroid diagnosis in 2001) and my latest blood tests show my cholesterol and fasting blood sugar counts are too high for me to qualify for the insurance discount.

I'm just...numb. Not going to kill myself, but if I died I wouldn't be disappointed. If I don't find a way to attain better physical health soon, I'm going to wind up in the same shape as my mom and nana and that is definitely not a life worth living for me.

Had another dream about moving into an apartment. This one was still in the process of being renovated. Lots of open space, loft-style thing. I hadn't ever been in the building itself, but had emotional attachments to the area and at one point took the friends viewing the place with me across the street to a building where I used to hang out and had fond feelings about. Easy enough to figure out the metaphors there. I woke up full of longing and despair again.

I'm tired of things being this hard and it feels like it all came on so fast. I was (barely) hanging on with some positivity before the new year but in the past several weeks it all came crashing down. It's demoralizing to learn how precarious my sense of hope for my future is and how little control I have over my body.

Hugs are fine, but no advice, please.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I am so sorry. my friend.

[clevermanka]

Thanks, bb.

[ride_4ever]

Please live! (Oops, you said "no advice" -- well, I am not taking that back.)

*hugs*

[clevermanka]

Well, you did say 'please.' =D

[ride_4ever]

Of course I said "please". "You know, Ray, it only takes a moment to be polite." *g*

[islenskr]

Despair is awful.
I am sorry, and wish you good things!
HUGS

[clevermanka]

Thank you, I will take all the wishes for good things!

[anarfea]

I'm so sorry. It sucks so much to feel like everything is outside your control.

[clevermanka]

It really really does. Thanks, bb.

[mrs_d]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time <3

[clevermanka]

[seascribble]

Man, that sucks. I'm sorry, buddy. *hugs*

[clevermanka]

[calystarose]

*hugs*

[clevermanka]

[baronjanus]

*hugs*

you're gonna kick this feeling in the ass eventually (that's not advice, it's prediction and hope)

[clevermanka]

Thanks. I sure hope so.

[splix]

Fuck, I'm so sorry. That's the worst feeling.

/hug/

[clevermanka]

[hdsqrl]

Well, hell.

They really should have added a warning about this in the brochure. :( How frustrating to be back to square one. Square one was supposed to be a thing of the past. <3 Is there anything any of us can do to help?

[clevermanka]

Thanks for the offer, bb. If people could band together to defeat capitalism and institute universal socialist health care so I don't have to keep working full-time that would be a good start...

[subtlegrey]

Keeeeeeerap. *hugs*

You cooked us meals when we needed help once. If we can return that favor, we gladly will.

[clevermanka]

Thanks, hon. It's pretty difficult for others to cook for me, but I'll let you know if it gets to that point. What might be more likely is I ask someone to make a Costco run for me...do y'all have a membership?

[thetimesink]

Simple hugs...

[clevermanka]