Wednesday

[clevermanka]

Guardian/adjacent
Z1L cuteness thread.
Bai Yu's cheer of excitement.
🎵Lollipop lollipop oh lolly lolly lolly.🎵
Never over the nosebleed scene.
Fanart: Domestic flirting. Grocery shopping. Oh god I feel this hug from behind in my soul.

Spotify question: I follow several people, but bonibaru is only one that shows up in my Friend's Activity frame. Are the rest of y'all on private sessions all the time, or am I the only one who listens to Spotify all day every day?

Alas, friends, I'm struggling again. Monday went so well! But then yesterday I woke overwhelmed with... well, nothing new I suppose, just another wave of it ...and got zero words down, either for fic or job stuff. I was too mentally fragile to even watch a full episode of Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty because it was Just Too Stressful. 😂

I recognize that stress (mental or physical--our bodies treat it all the same) is a major factor in triggering all my illness manifestations and brain fog is real and I don't blame myself for not being able to do anything but none of that helps the logistics/reality of my situation. And then I start to despair over what if this is just my life now? What if my brain (well, what was left of it) never comes back? 

Would actually wind up on the streets if everything collapsed out from under me? No. I am well aware of this fact. If the absolute worst comes to worst I could always *shudder* live with my parents. They love me (as best they can without understanding me at all) and would probably be relieved that there was something they could do to help. I'd be miserable, but I'd be housed and fed. Although I would have to abandon my beautiful, giant, leopard-print couch because there is definitely no room in their condo for it. I'd probably have to shed just about everything except my clothes, really. Ooof, okay, best not dwell on that too much.

I need to leave the house at some point today or tomorrow (first time since November 20) to pick up my thyroid medication. Perhaps the perspective shift will rattle something loose in my brain that'll let me focus. But right now I honestly don't feel safe to drive.

My neighbor is outside, talking with with a repair person beside their truck. They're standing about four feet apart, smoking cigarettes with masks hanging off an ear. sigh

ETA: And then I get a comment on Deconstruction from someone who found the fic yesterday and read it all in one sitting. o_O Incredible. 

Comments

[minoanmiss]

*hugs you sustainingly*

[clevermanka]

♥

[goss]

Perhaps the perspective shift will rattle something loose in my brain that'll let me focus

Sounds like a good idea as a distraction, if you're up for it. Maybe just being outdoors without any particular pressure or goal, if the weather permits. *hugs you*

Oh god I feel this hug from behind in my soul.

I LOVE THIS! <3

[clevermanka]

The repair guy is meandering about in the front lawn so any outdoor excursions will definitely wait until he's gone! But after that, yes. It's sunny, and supposed to get up to 65F today. (pretending that doesn't also make me stress about climate change 😂)

[malovich]

My neighbor is outside, talking with with a repair person beside their truck. They're standing about four feet apart, smoking cigarettes with masks hanging off an ear. sigh

I always find it odd how willing people are to discard safety to signal inclusion; this is a typical "I trust you with my life" in a situation that is less than appropriate to do so. I get a sense of social ritual in this and that they've done it before and will do it again and find solace in the simple act of talking like 'normal folks' or 'they way we used to'.

All at the cost of potential infection in a time where rates are skyrocketing in the continental US with everything that means.

Hope they don't break a leg, let along get infected, at this point.

[clevermanka]

how willing people are to discard safety to signal inclusion
This is a FANTASTIC observation, and a perfect, succinct way to describe it. Humans, honestly! What the hell is wrong with so many of us?

[malovich]

Not enough Sidereas in our lives to poke at the underbelly of our assumptions and rituals.

It's uncomfortable and it stings people in the trauma. Which is either a welcome relief and revelation, or an annoyance that inflames a series of rationalizations and stories about ourselves that may lead to a collapse of personality, revealing just how fragile they were all along.

[shipperslist]

That nosebleed scene is awesome! They aren't even talking and yet they say so fucking much!

I see people sharing Spotify playlists and such all over but since I'm there on my real name, my sessions, playlists, everything is always private. But I logged in about 96K minutes this year sooo... I'm mostly always listening to something or the other.

(BTW, I have Deconstruction waiting on my Kindle and I think I'm gonna read it at one go when I have the chance. But I can't start now because work and other bothers. Rude, real life...)

[clevermanka]

They aren't even talking and yet they say so fucking much!
*clenches fist* Just. So. Much.

You're not the only person I know with their legal name attached to Spotify--condolences! 😄 I follow, like, nine people though! I would like to check out their listening history other than relying on their playlists (which most people don't curate to quite the outrageous lengths that I do). sighhhhhhhhhhhh

Y'all reading that monster all in one go are fuckin' superheroes, seriously.

[shipperslist]

I mean... when the story is good, it's a joy. (Some while ago, I downloaded and converted one of my favorite destiel fics into a PDF to store on my Kindle and it's somewhere way over 450K. It took me a week to read. While working. So, yeah...)

[clevermanka]

Nearly half a million word story holy cow. Fandom is incredible.

[shipperslist]

Yeah, and it’s a wip, apparently abandoned and no-one knows what happened to the author.
There’s also this one merpeople-AU destiel that’s like 650K. Oh, and one lawyerAU Clint/Coulson series that’s hit 1 mil.

Yes. Fandom is incredible. It’s all there and it’s all free. How lucky we are. 💜

[no_detective]

*hugs hugs hugs*

i usually listen to my playlists-in-progress on spotify, and those tend to be private; i make them public once they feel finished. didn't realize it was messing with the activity log, but that makes sense!

[clevermanka]

Ohhhhh, yeah, I bet playing a private playlist would do the same thing as playing in a private session. I do that with my writing playlists--mark them private until I feel like they're done. The rest of them, though, are continual works in progress so I mark them public once they reach ten songs.

I love finding new stuff in your playlists. Thank you for being such a good and consistent curator!

[no_detective]

ahh i'm so glad you're liking the music i share! right back at you <3

so i did some digging - while i'm at work i only access web spotify, the app itself shows more features - and there are options to share one's listening activity etc. so if you follow someone, and they don't have that option enabled, you still won't see their activity. *enables her own because oops*

anyway, this is all in settings but lemme know if i should share some screencaps.

[clevermanka]

Thanks for looking! I know I have sharing turned on... I guess most people don't? LOL NO SHAME ABOUT MY QUESTIONABLE MUSIC TASTES HERE 😆

[no_detective]

ahahahah SHAME IS FOR THE WEAK

[clevermanka]

Seriously. I'm working on a playlist right now that has Meatloaf on it. #OnlyPleasuresNoGuilt

[writedragon]

During *all of this*, one of the most helpful reminders I've seen is that when I feel overwhelmed, one of the best things I can do is create a "state change". That could mean" washing a dish, changing locations (ideally from inside to outside), making a bed, taking a shower, slapping some paint on an art journal page without any particular intent, heating up some soup. The point is to do one Tangible thing that materially changes my state of being from less-good to more good. It's evidence of the fight against entropy, and proof of one's efficacy no matter how small. That phrase, "It's better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness" kind of sums it up. Also -- does your pharmacy deliver? If you don't feel safe to drive that might be a good option. Unless, of course, going to get it constitutes a "state change", in which case, going out might be the more emotionally nourishing option. Sending virtual hugs.

[clevermanka]

That is very excellent advice and *looks outside* the truck is gone. So while I don't feel up to driving today (that might have to wait for Thursday), a trip to the mailbox would probably do me good.

And then perhaps a round of PT exercises. Thank you.

[writedragon]

Glad to help. The black dog and I are old acquaintances, so I understand. Mailbox, ho! :)

[clevermanka]

Got through half the PT exercises before I started to tire and am feeling Quite Accomplished, now.

[naye]

*hugs*

[clevermanka]

😙

I'm feeling better after following writedragon's advice and have gotten 500 more words of the Hellbent prequel down!

[nnozomi]

oh, writedragon above in the comments with good stuff. I was thinking this morning about something I read somewhere along the lines of "When you set out to eat an elephant, you have to eat it in sandwiches" (do one very small thing first, essentially). I hope you can get a little bit of outside air without extra stress.
(That nosebleed scene; Shen Wei going visibly from "I am too angry to speak" to "I can't stay angry at this man" without a word spoken, oh dear.)

[clevermanka]

without a word spoken
Such good acting! *sigh* I love them.

I did stand outside for a bit! But it was awkward just standing there in front of my house (I have nowhere to sit) so I came in, opened a window, and lay in the patch of sun.

[khellekson]

I'm cheering too (they look so HAPPY), and the fan art for the hug from behind is so, so freaking gorgeous.

[clevermanka]

the hug from behind is so, so freaking gorgeous
Isn't it? Just... sighhhhhhhhhhh

[tinny]

*HUGS*

You're doing really well managing your illness, you know? <3

I know there are days when you can't help asking whyyy? i have those too. I guess part of it's just getting older and more fragile. But you can still do a lot of things. And you're a good friend!

[clevermanka]

You're doing really well managing your illness, you know?
I... don't know that? I don't feel like I am at all, but I suppose considering the circumstances I feel like I'm not doing too terrible of a job. Thank you for the reminder, and thank you for being here. ♥