clevermanka (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clevermanka) wrote2023-12-10 12:35 pm
clevermanka) wrote2023-12-10 12:35 pm
Entry tags:
I 🧡 Revising
This sort of line-level polishing is absolutely my favorite part of the writing process.
Original Version:
This time it was Max’s turn to push him away.
“Lay down,” he repeated, laughing.
The transition calmed the frenetic mood, and Artis took a slow, grateful breath. Such a strong a surge of desire was unfamiliar and a little unnerving. The respite lasted about five seconds until Max knelt beside him on the bed and immediately lowered his mouth to Artis’ collarbone. Artis arched his back at the prickling scrape of his beard and Max hummed, sounding pleased.
“Pretty sure I was headed this way yesterday before you abandoned me on the couch. Tease.”
“Not sorry,” Artis whispered.
He hissed in pleasure as Max’s tongue licked a stripe headed south.
“Yeah?” Max asked, his lips almost at Artis’ nipple. “This good?”
Revised version:
This time it was Max’s turn to push him away.
“Lay down,” he repeated, laughing.
The slightly awkward shift of their bodies in the dark calmed the frenetic mood. Artis took a slow, grateful breath. Such a strong a surge of desire was unfamiliar and a little unnerving. The respite lasted about five seconds until Max straddled him, immediately lowering his mouth to Artis’ collarbone. Artis arched into the prickling scrape of his beard.
Max hummed, sounding pleased.
“Pretty sure I was headed this way yesterday before you abandoned me on the couch. Tease.”
“You deserved it,” Artis whispered.
He hissed in pleasure as Max’s tongue licked a stripe headed south.
“Yeah, probably,” Max said, his lips almost at Artis’ nipple. “This good?”
Original Version:
This time it was Max’s turn to push him away.
“Lay down,” he repeated, laughing.
The transition calmed the frenetic mood, and Artis took a slow, grateful breath. Such a strong a surge of desire was unfamiliar and a little unnerving. The respite lasted about five seconds until Max knelt beside him on the bed and immediately lowered his mouth to Artis’ collarbone. Artis arched his back at the prickling scrape of his beard and Max hummed, sounding pleased.
“Pretty sure I was headed this way yesterday before you abandoned me on the couch. Tease.”
“Not sorry,” Artis whispered.
He hissed in pleasure as Max’s tongue licked a stripe headed south.
“Yeah?” Max asked, his lips almost at Artis’ nipple. “This good?”
Revised version:
This time it was Max’s turn to push him away.
“Lay down,” he repeated, laughing.
The slightly awkward shift of their bodies in the dark calmed the frenetic mood. Artis took a slow, grateful breath. Such a strong a surge of desire was unfamiliar and a little unnerving. The respite lasted about five seconds until Max straddled him, immediately lowering his mouth to Artis’ collarbone. Artis arched into the prickling scrape of his beard.
Max hummed, sounding pleased.
“Pretty sure I was headed this way yesterday before you abandoned me on the couch. Tease.”
“You deserved it,” Artis whispered.
He hissed in pleasure as Max’s tongue licked a stripe headed south.
“Yeah, probably,” Max said, his lips almost at Artis’ nipple. “This good?”
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