Sentimental-less

[clevermanka]

A co-worker's daughter started KU this year and I've spent more time than I care to think about overhearing conversations about how her daughter was upset to move out of their house to live on campus. Never mind that I've spent more time than I care to think about overhearing conversations about her daughter in general. Anyway. So she was talking to someone else, again, about Daughter being sad, etc., and how she reassured Daughter that everybody feels like this when they leave home for the first time and how if Daughter wasn't sad, they'd think something was wrong with her.

When I came to KU, my mom dropped me and two suitcases off on the front steps of Miller Scholarship Hall and drove straight from Lawrence to Colorado, where Daddy had moved a couple months earlier. I cheerily waved goodbye and carried my life into my new home. I didn't have the urge to go back home. I didn't have the opportunity even if I'd wanted it. This didn't make me sad or stressed or homesick or...anything. It was just my new reality and that was that.

I don't remember any of my close friends during my freshman year ever voicing feelings of homesickness. Perhaps they didn't say anything to me because they knew they wouldn't get any sympathy. But I don't recall it being an issue for us. Most certainly it wasn't an issue for me.

I'm not sentimental. I don't keep mementos, and old photographs are kept around mainly to indulge my vanity, not a sense of nostalgia.

Not all people are like this, I know. Probably most people aren't like this. But can it really be that most young adults, fresh out of the nest and on their own for the first time, cry in their bedrooms and think--however fleetingly--about returning to their old life? I certainly hope not. What a terrible indicator of a spoiled, infantalized generation. If the majority of our coming-of-age population is still that insecure and dependent on their parents, it doesn't bode well for our future.

Comments

[amjhawk.livejournal.com]

Well, I feel similarly. Down to keeping few mementos and photos.

I remember arriving at the dorms at 8am, with my dad and his friend Mark. We moved some big stuff in for 20 min. or so, and then my dad turned to me with a pile o' stuff waiting in the long line for the elevator and said, "Well, good luck, son." And he shook my hand and left.

And, while I was definitely in an odd place, being new at college and knowing I wouldn't see home or family until October, it was liberating. And I'm pretty sure most of my floor felt the same way. We made our own mistakes and were happy to do so.

So, hopefully, you heard the exception and not the rule.

[stuology.livejournal.com]

Maybe you are hearing it a lot because Mother is the one that is sad about letting go of Daughter. If you are hearing a lot about Daughter, that just means that Mother loves Daughter.

I'm sure you don't think it is possible to base the decline of one entire generation on your one example in your office.

Oh, and here: Guinea Pig Olympics (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/howaboutthat/2510906/The-Guinea-Pig-Olympics.html) - the cuteness to cheer you up over the annoying Olympic talk.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you don't think it is possible to base the decline of one entire generation on your one example in your office.

No, but I do have a tendency to base the decline of one entire generation on the quantity of bad experiences with people of this age group in my office. And in the hallways. And on campus. In general.

It makes me really really happy that people as awesome as you and Mac had kids. Thank gods you've give us something to help even things out.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Ok, just gone done paging through those Guinea Pig Olympics and now I am *ded* from cute.

[bestill.livejournal.com]

Okay, how did they do that? (the guinea pig pics . . )

I agree with you--I doubt the daughter is upset. How homesick could she be if she still lives in the same town? I'm sure it's the Mom who is sad.

When I went to college, I was really excited to be "on my own" so to speak. I didn't know any kids that were home sick.

[normalcyispasse.livejournal.com]

I'm with you. Each time I've moved it has been a simple process of accepting that the new place is just another place. I don't see why it should cause so much angst, y'know? Does it hurt the baby birds to fly from the nest?

[bestill.livejournal.com]

Does it hurt the baby birds to fly from the nest?
If my black cat is around, it does . . .

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

=D

[rougewench.livejournal.com]

I was thrilled to be leaving home and frankly I hated every minute of my father "helping me" move to Lawrence (it was necessary as he had the station wagon, but by that time I truly did abhor being in his presence and avoided the same if I possibly could.

I think there were some who had a hard time with the transition, but I don't think many of them were to be found in Hashinger Hall. I would think there's a good percentage shot your co-worker is talking about what she hopes is the case, otherwise, she has kept her daughter so sheltered and controlled that her daughter is now not prepared to deal with the realty of her new life...which is to have done her a tremendous disservice.


D.

[tessagratton.livejournal.com]

1) I was homesick, but mostly because I HATED Manhattan and wanted to be NOT THERE.

2) Travis couldn't WAIT to get out of the house. He loves living away and I think 95% of his frat brothers probably agree. They are all ready to move into their new lives. (Possibly a fraternity helps quash those kind of feelings through both the creation of new family and peer pressure.)

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I was homesick, but mostly because I HATED Manhattan and wanted to be NOT THERE.

Yeah. There's a big difference between being sick for home and being sick of where you are. =D

This one little throwaway comment: They are all ready to move into their new lives might subtly change my opinion of fraternities more than anything ever has.

[tessagratton.livejournal.com]

It's been eye-opening to have a brother in one, especially a brother willing to talk about it. I know a lot of the stereotype is OH so true - but the things he's getting out of it are surprising to me sometimes.

[kalimeg.livejournal.com]

As the oldest child in a Boomer household, I was glad to get out on my own. I had been ready about the time I turned 10. I am the only one, however, who laughed at graduation. Man, I was past ready to move on.

[solan-t.livejournal.com]

Well, while I was packing up all the stuff I wasn't taking with me, I was struck by the thought that I would NEVER play with that stuff again. Hadn't, in fact, played with it in years, but had never actually gotten rid of it. All in all, I ended up crying in the closet. But that's about the only time I was sad to be going to college. I don't recall thinking much of 'home' once I was there.

[the-themiscyran.livejournal.com]

After years of announcing that she would never set foot in Kansas again once she left for school, the teenager now fluctuates between excitement over attending college in Massachusetts and figuring out how soon she can leave to come home over the winter break. Any fear that she has currently of being homesick is probably far greater than anything that she will actually experience once she's there. I expect that if we get a phone call in the first few weeks, it will be because she misses her dog. ;)

[geekmom.livejournal.com]

I spent the year before my frosh year in Germany without my family, and I didn't cry for them that year, either.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I was in Italy for six weeks after the end of my junior year of high school. The only time I missed home was on my way back when my flight to Wichita from St. Louis got canceled and I had to stay the night in the hotel, sans luggage. I was so close to finally being back and I realized, as I washed my underwear in the hotel sink, that I just really wanted to be done with this trip already!

[professormass.livejournal.com]

I think it's unfair to paint what you've seen as a sign of an infantilized generation. For people who've grown up in a warm, loving environment, a certain amount of sadness over leaving home is understandable. Yes, I think too much hand-holding is silly, but to downplay the effect of leaving the nest is to deny a bond between parents and children that is really rather healthy.

I wish I'd been sad to leave home.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I think it's unfair to paint what you've seen as a sign of an infantilized generation.

Taken as this one instance? Yes.

Taken as another example of what I see on a daily basis here at KU? No.

[professormass.livejournal.com]

Right, but are you really going to notice the mass of people going about their business coping with the separation? Probably not — like most, you're more inclined to notice what bothers you, and given your profession, you're more likely to run across the problem people than not.

Moreover, even if it is more prevalent today than it was twenty years ago? I'd view that as a sign that today's parents are more in touch with their children, rather than turning them into weaklings.

You seem to be implying that they're sad because mommy isn't here to wipe their nose for them. I'm suggesting that they're sad for the same reason anyone is sad when parting from a long-term relationship that ends on a good note — they miss their loved ones.

I don't see anything particularly wrong with that.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

1. As I said, I'm taking this as a possible example of other instances of children remaining children past their teens. This isn't just about separation issues.

2. I disagree with you that 19 and 20-year-olds refusing to take responsibility for their actions (edit: and bemoaning the loss of their comfort zone), and continuing to let parents coddle them, is indicative of positive parental involvement. But we disagree on that. Whatever.

3. Re-reading my post, I don't believe I implied anything about my thoughts on why my co-worker thought "everybody cries when they leave home." I merely asked "does this really happen, because it certainly wasn't my experience." The majority of responses indicate that it wasn't the experience of my people on my f-list, either.

Perhaps things are different in Canada.

[professormass.livejournal.com]

1. And I'm saying that you don't magically become a fully-realized adult the moment the clock ticks past midnight on your 18th birthday. Adulthood is an artificial concept whose interpretation is entirely subjective.

2. How is being homesickness automatically equivalent to refusing to take responsibility? In regards to my suggestion of an implication in your post, how is 'bemoaning the loss of their comfort zone' different than 'sad because mommy isn't here to wipe their nose for them'?

3. Most of the people on your friends' list are, I suspect, in their early 30s and up.

Look, all I'm saying is this — I read what you're saying, and I'm interpreting it like this: "Goddamned kids. What a bunch of whiners. This generation is going in the toilet. My generation was much tougher."

And I don't disagree that the maturational process has extended in the last forty years. However, so has lifespans. Do we bitch because adults are suddenly productive into their 70s, whereas my Dad remembers when you'd be in a nursing home at 70, if you were will alive? No, we don't.

As human lifespan extends, the maturational process will, as well. I mean, let's face it — we take a lot longer to become mature specimens of our species than other animals. It's an evolutionary thing that is much based in our advancing medicine as it is in any social change.

On a purely emotional level, I find harping on the 'Peter Pan Generation' annoying. I left home at 15. I had to grow up a hell of a lot faster than most people. And to be entirely frank, I suspect I'd have more justification being a hardass than the vast majority of people.

I don't embrace the loss of innocence. I don't embrace the whole 'stand on your own two feet and be a grown-up' school of thought. I'd have really liked to have been able to go home and get some support into my 20s. It probably would've made my life a lot less miserable than it's often been. Does that make me weak and infantilized?

Point being: kids missing their parents? I take it as a good sign that their parents have been nurturing and compassionate. In the immortal words of the Who, the kids are alright.

[nottygypsy.livejournal.com]

I was homesick, but Dad had been diagnosed with cancer and given 3 months, I went home. Yay, we had Dad 15 years and 3 months. How I wish I had gone back the next year.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[nottygypsy.livejournal.com]

"*hug*"

And you said you're not sentimental ;)

Well you give good sympathy even if you have few mementos!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

The death of a parent goes above and beyond sentimentality.

Every time you mention your dad in LJ, I drop my dad an email telling him I love him.

[nottygypsy.livejournal.com]

DAD DAD DAD DAD!!!!!

Hee hee!

I love hearing you talk about your Dad, he sounds Teh cool.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

He is. Awesome Dad!

[theoneinblue.livejournal.com]

Hee hee - I think I know who the staff member in question is...my gosh, her little girl is homesick while her mother works on campus? WTF? I was so ready to go when I left for college...I remember thinking that there were so many things I didn't miss...I wasn't homesick, either. I agree, perhaps this is a matter of the mother missing the daughter more than the daughter being homesick...

[shrijani.livejournal.com]

And, this tender child is homesick for somewhere in or near Lawrence? Come on. She didn't actually go anywhere!

[shrijani.livejournal.com]

Homesick? Not bloody likely. I was ecstatic to taste even the small measure of freedom that Hashinger Hall had to offer.

I was nervous the first three days, but that was because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I never thought of tucking tail and running, and I never, EVER cried for home. Good god.

I agree with your concluding paragraph, by the way.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I agree with your concluding paragraph, by the way.

*nods sagely*

That is because you are an entirely reasonable, rational adult.

By the way: I. Miss. You. And no chance of me getting to Henry's on Friday night until October, now...unless we get there early and I can be home by 10p.m. *sigh*

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Pleasant and I were discussing this very topic on the road last night.
and it's not just a college campus thing... she lives in LA and sees the very same thing.. kids staying home well into their 20s and beyond. They don't want "out there in the real world".
I take it as a sign of the gawdawful Stranger Danger crap that's crammed down our throats since the early 90s. The parade of minivans and SUVs carrying kids to Middle School because OMG someone might steal them on the way!
As she pointed out,.. fuggitman, kids in Middle School are supposed to be out behind the garage, making out and smoking cigarettes *g*
I'd add that College kids are supposed to be out of the house and trying out dating, binge drinking and having casual sex.

I was taken to the airport, got on a plane and crossed the Atlantic to a brand-new (to me) culture shock, and after I got over the shock, I did miss Germany a bit. But not enough to stay there.

Maybe daughter is upset at the idea of having to share space?

[royal-spice.livejournal.com]

Last paragraph is for the win. I've never seen so damned many incapable, over-entitled, whiny... ok, don't get me started. It's a good thing I only teach a few hours of lecture and not an entire course. But, yeah, I worry about the future of medicine, and the world, if this is what we've got to work with. Then again, maybe I was a whiny little bitch and just didn't realize it at the time. ;)

When I went off to college, it was such a sudden rush of freedom! I was thrilled to be away from home. I went back only when the dorm was literally closed and I couldn't stay there. My mom probably would've told people I was homesick though, because she missed me AND it's easier to say that than the truth (my kid couldn't wait to get out from under MY thumb!). ;)

I was forced to live in my hometown for 4 weeks during med school, on a "rural medicine" rotation, so I stayed with my mom for purposes of thriftiness. Oh, the horror of living at home again!