clevermanka | Eulogy

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family,
memory

Eulogy

I didn't adopt Fetish out of the options at the pound. I didn't choose her out of a neighbor's accidental litter. I didn't see her roaming lost in the alley and decide to take her in. When Fetish came into my life, it was of her own choice and I didn't have much say in the matter.

A few days before Halloween, 1995, I took the trash out to the alley dumpster behind my house at 1011 Tennessee. As I returned to the back door, I heard a squeak and felt something fall across my foot. There she was, a tiny kitten sprawled across the top of my shoe. I don't know how she managed to maneuver around my steps to fall on my foot before it rose again. I picked her up with one hand. When I closed my hand around her middle, the only things that protruded were her back legs and a pinky-finger-joint-sized tail at one end and a wee head with still-folded ear nubs and blue eyes at the other.

My landlord had a no pets policy, although he'd been lax about it with my previous roommate and her obnoxious potbelly pig. But I had no desire for a pet, much less a cat--about which I had no experience. My father is allergic to cats, and I'd never been around one for more than a few minutes at a time, my nana's cat being notoriously shy and absent whenever non-immediate family was present. It being so close to Halloween, though, I couldn't leave her in the alley. A helpless black kitten, Halloween, and horrible children aren't a combination that provides peace of mind. I brought her inside.

I was a vegetarian at the time, and had nothing appropriate to feed her. I certainly wasn't going to purchase any food for this animal that was going to the humane society the very next day, so I tried to get her to eat a tofu pup. She wasn't thrilled about that, so when my upstairs neighbor Smirl got home, I begged from him a little can of tuna. She much preferred that to the tofu. Smart kitten.

With a square emesis tray and some torn up newspaper, I made her a litter box and when she finished eating, I put her in the tray and somehow, miraculously, she understood what to do. I barricaded her in the kitchen with boxes piled as high as my waist, closed my bedroom door, and went to bed. Not twenty minutes later, I felt something lie down across my neck. She'd wormed her way under the door, crawled up the bedclothes, and found me a desirable sleeping place. I returned her to the kitchen, checked the sturdiness of the barricade, and returned to bed.

We repeated this process three times before I gave up and let her sleep with me.

By morning, there was no way I could take her to the shelter. She was mine.

After work and classes the next day, I went to the store for food and supplies, and the library to check out some books on cats as pets. I had no idea what I was doing and figured I'd better educate myself fast. Between the two of us and those books (some helpful, some ridiculous, most a combination), we did pretty well. I might be a tad biased, but I think she was one of the best-behaved and well-adjusted cats ever to walk the earth.

Her health and personality flourished quickly. She got her name within the first few days. One, of course, my own affection for fetishes and fetish life in general. But she also had a crazy affinity for toes under sheets, which she would attack with great ferocity. She wasn't allowed to play with naked human hands, but hands and feet masked under cover of blankets were sublime and ripe for attack. Since she never lost the desire to get under one's feet, I took to carrying her around the house on my shoulder. In a couple weeks, she was big enough that one shoulder wasn't enough and she draped herself across the back of my neck, her chin resting on one shoulder, back legs straddling the other.

She ate my houseplants--all of them, in the first week. Gladys the Hawaiian Ti plant. Agatha the aloe. Agnes the mother-in-law's tongue. And Eunice the crown-of-thorns. How she managed without choking or perishing is a mystery.

I didn't know Kevin, my landlord, decided to install a new garbage disposal one day while I was on campus. I didn't even notice the disposal when I got home. That evening I got a phone call. My landlord's drawl came through the earpiece.

"I installed a...new disposal under your...kitchen sink today."

My heart started to race. "Oh. Yeah? Um. Everything go okay?"

"...That's...quite a cat you've...got there."

While Kevin crouched under the sink, Fetish jumped onto his back. Never one to be surprised or angered by anything in the eight years I knew him, Kevin didn't straighten or jump out from under the sink. Fetish walked up his back and settled around his neck and shoulders. She stayed there, purring, until he was finished with the install.

There was never any mention of getting rid of the cat, or a request for a pet deposit.

She got big. Then she got bigger. Eventually, she was the largest female cat I'd ever met. She was also the most gracious, sympathetic, and devoted cat I could imagine. She was almost dog-like in her affections. She ran to meet me at the door when I got home, obeyed me most of the time, and submitted to discipline with resignation but respect.

I didn't know anything about cats when I found her, and I didn't realize how young she was. Knowing a little more now, I estimate she was between two and three weeks old when she found me. She never had the opportunity to be socialized as a cat. As a result, I think she percieved herself as some sort of tiny version of whatever I was, and she was my baby. She hated other animals, especially other cats, but loved people. There wasn't a person on this planet from whom she wouldn't accept attention and affection. I had to lock her up at big parties because she refused to hide under the bed. Instead, she desperately wanted to be a part of the festivities--which, for her, included lying on the floor amidst drunken hard-shoe'ed people while she waited for someone to stop and pet her.

Fetish always knew and understood when I was sick or sad. A physically present cat to begin with, she wouldn't leave my side when I was physically or emotionally distressed. She never refused me when I needed extra affection. She didn't like it when I kissed her face, but she allowed it. She was a frequent nose-toucher and a fan of loving head-butts--usually on my nose unless I could quickly deflect them to my chin or cheek.

This lasted until late summer of 2009. Her habits started to change, and she began to express less interest in some of her favorite things--watching squirrels and birds out the back window, playing with catnip toys. She stopped sleeping with me, except for occasional weekend afternoon naps. In September 2009, she was diagnosed with diabetes.

The roller-coaster of going in and out of diabetes, having to adjust medication, and, for several months in 2010, near-weekly trips to the vet, took a lot out of her. But for fourteen months, she wobbled through life, with more happiness than not. December of 2010 was not a happy or healthy month for her, though. Her muscles and joints continued to atrophy and late in the month she lost most control of her bladder and bowels.

She wasn't a happy kitty anymore.

Her last day, Friday, January 28, was warm and sunny. After much consultation with the vet techs, I gave her the first quarter-tablet of Acepromazine at noon. The changes caused by the sedative were amazing. For the first time in ages, she stretched out long. She'd been holding her achey joints so close that I'd forgotten her true size. Her still-sleek body stretched out nearly the length of my thigh. Instead of being tucked into her chest, her front legs stretched out even more and her toes flexed in relaxation. Although she was dizzy and unsteady on her feet, she walked without stiffness to her food bowl and, once, to the back door for a last look outside. Twenty minutes before the vet's arrival, she wasn't exhibiting any of the limp drowsiness the vet had described. I gave her the second quarter-tablet. That one knocked her out. She couldn't walk anymore, and her inner eyelid started to slide in toward her pupil.

When the vet and tech arrived at the house, she was lying soft and pliable on my chest, head pushed up against my face. We arranged her on a towel on the coffee table. The vet recommended we move her so her head faced me. Smelling the clinic office on his coat, Fetish gave out one last valiant hiss. He waited for her to settle down into our comforting whispers and strokes. When everyone was ready, he injected the medication into her back leg.

She was so quiet and peaceful, I couldn't tell when she died. I have no idea how much time passed--seconds? minutes?--before the vet put a stethescope under her and told us there was no heartbeat. She died in more physical comfort than she'd spent the last year of her life. I was so grateful for that, and that her last day had been one of her good days, one where she wasn't too achey and miserable. All cliches aside, it really was a good day to die.

I miss her more than I can describe. More than I can comprehend. I don't have moments where I forget she's no longer living here. I don't experience those reactions of "don't let the cat out the door" before I have to remind myself that she's gone. Instead, I have a constant ache of her absence, the pain of which comes in waves. I know those waves will eventually smooth down the sharp jags and ridges that cut and press into me so distressingly, but that time seems so long and far away. And the years with her seem like they were so short.

Thank you, everyone, who have offered kind words for the loss of this amazing cat. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and emotional generosity. Now, though, I would love it if, instead of words of sympathy, people would comment to this post with a memorable interaction you had with Fetish.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing.

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how beautiful and how sad.

Oh, Lydia -- this was beautiful and sad. Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I seem to have a mote of dust in my eye. I should also go play with our cats.

I think she was one of the best-behaved and well-adjusted cats ever to walk the earth.

I've known and loved a lot of cats, and I think this is completely true.

I remember the first time I saw her bright red softpaws, making me want to paint my own nails and take care of them maybe more than anything else. And I never actually witnessed it, but I'll always love imagining you putting her head in your mouth when she was a kitten.

This made me smile a lot.

It wasn't just when she was a kitten! I witnessed this a number of times, and Fetish-Kitty's head was not a small object. But, gosh, try imagining another animal - especially another cat! - so well-behaved as to accept this. One could practically hear Fetish utter, "Hmph," but she was always appropriately chastised and learned from it.

What a great kitty!

So sorry. *sniff*

Yesterday afternoon Habib came and sat with me for an extra long time and we talked about Fetish, who looks so much like him, and what a wonderful girl she is. I hugged him extra tight for an extra long time.

I'm so glad you and Fetish have had each other.

Ah Fetish, I used to love reading about you in Lydia's posts on weekend mornings with Pookie in my lap or, later on, Bastion wrapped around me. They loved the sit-down and cuddle time as did I. So, even though we never met, we thank you for the stories. You are in the memories of many hearts.

I remember meeting Fetish for the first time, feeling how very soft she was, and admiring her overall demeanor. My perception was that she was haughty, which I like, yet also warm and interested, which I also like. She also seemed confident, very bonded to you, and generally a savvy black cat... my favorite kind.

This is such a beautiful eulogy for such a beautiful kitty.

I remember how often Fetish would climb up onto my lap, even though we weren't well acquainted, and snuggle down with her chin at my knees. I remember how amazing it was to watch you cradle her on her back like a baby because if I tried that with my cats, I'd lose my face. And I remember how politely she would wait for you to finish your food and put your plate on the floor so she could lick the crumbs.

Such a good, good kitty.

This made me smile and cry at the same time.

When she was in good health, she could stretch out longer than anyone's thigh, and she'd grip her host's knee with both paws, snuggled down all warm and soft.

There was never a more well-behaved kitty.

She sounds like a truly wonderful kitten. I would have liked to have met her.

While i had never met Fetish, i have over a while now got to know the cat even more. Fetish seemed to be a wonderful cat, you needed her and she needed you. Some times the animals take and choose us. (just like our family dog we had many years ago named Chile Dog, or CD for short

Rubber was a stray, found in a parking lot. And his stay with me was supposed to be temporary. A few days later, I was talking to him, telling him that this was temporary, but I was going to make sure he went to a really good home. He stood up, stretched, draped himself across my neck and passed out. And I just went "Oh. You live here now. Okay."

I think the animals that choose us are the best. I'm glad for the good times you had with Fetish - from everything you've said, she was pretty much the best cat ever.

I'm sorry, I have to add empathy to your post. I haven't cried this hard in ages, probably since Maybe-baby took her leave of us in front of a vehicle.

Fetish was the lovingist cat ever... and I remember first meeting her when she was still tiny. Tiny like she became in her demise. I'm so glad she had comfort and relaxation in her final hour.
"one last valiant hiss".. so much Fetish.. that hiss was one of my first memories of her, you'd brought her over to meet us, and not knowing she would hate other cats, she showed her displeasure at there being other cats in the house.

May your cat-shaped hole in your heart mend soon.

R.

I wish I had known her as a kitten. I bet she was exactly like a full-grown Fetish-Kitty, only tiny.

I only met Fetish once, when I came to visit you and ogle your sewing patterns. I'd been all business when I walked in the door, but you were all, hey, you should sit down and talk for a minute and this is my kitty.

Fetish graciously offered herself for petting and OMG the softness and density of her fur! She brought her face close to mine and I thought, damn, this is totally worth the Benadryl I'm going to have to mainline in about ten minutes. :)

Her nose-touches were one of her great charms, and you were not the only allergic person to be so weakened by her beauty, softness, and affection.

I think I was only over at your place once or twice, but I have a very vivid memory of Fetish, with her bold red claw caps, hanging around us while we looked through fabric and me being surprised about how cool she was with new people around.

I've known a lot of cats in my life, and she's left one of the greatest impressions on me, in that brief meeting.

Sending condolences on your loss. What a great life you shared together. Hope that will give you some solace in this empty and sad time. Thinking of you.

I teared up on the Greyhound, reading this.

She was a wonderful cat.

By morning, there was no way I could take her to the shelter. She was mine. You mean, you were hers:D

So Fetish and I only met twice. I forget what the first visit was about, maybe we were just stopping by to say Halloo! on one of my short visits to the area. Nally and Tess are paranoid about my cat allergy and vacuum LOADS AND BUSHELS before I visit. They warned me about the loving attention of this...F E L I N E...and said I could stay at the house if I really didn't want to have a reaction.
Being allergic to a thing fixates my attention on it, which IS the essence of a fetish, magical or otherwise. (Statistically speaking, there MUST be a reason I, of all my Filipino sistren and brethren, am allergic to shellfish. I tell myself I'm biting the bullet so an entire culture of Islanders can have their signature cuisine. Dammit.) I have no clue why I wasn't tentative or unsure about meeting this cat, but I felt comfortable with it. We got to yours and you and my sisters started gabbing about something that I don't remember but am willing to bet was made of frilly layers of bloomerawesome, but I could hardly be expected to pay attention.
I couldn't tell you how long we were there or much of what we did while we stayed, but I know I got over Strange Cats in one afternoon. Jack and Goblin hardly counted, since we were family: we share a last name when we're in trouble! Neko was family, too. Plus, they were all boys. I hadn't actually met a girl cat ever. Fetish introduced me to feline wiles with a shiver against my shins and a saucy tail flick, 'Come on. Rub. Stroke. Scratch.'
I'm not gonna claim I had no allergic reaction, and I recognize the possibility that I could've been acclimated to Cat from being around the boys a while, but I do know that I don't remember sniffly, watery-eyed memories of this girl, so I think she didn't make my head exsnotplode.
The second time was briefer, and right before the Halloween party two years ago when the crew went as X-Men and I was Indeego, Azure's...darker (flatter-chested) manifestation. Fetish didn't hang out much, but I did receive a blessing pass, like when the saint passes and the people get to touch her veil :) It did suffice.
My mister, John, has the only other girl cat in my life. It took forEVer to get my nose used to her, but Sasha has much longer hair. I wouldn't have even given it a try to live with her, though, and thus with John, except by the serendipitous influence of Fetish Kitten. Thanks, darlin'.

SO MUCH LOVE!!

I've gotten to meet and pet Fetish many times. I don't think I've ever been to visit that she did not seek me out for the attention that is her due. I'm glad I got to visit last week and pet her again.

I'll always regret not getting the soft claw covers on Strumpet, but she just didn't claw enough stuff to make it worth it. Besides, it was Fetish's signature look.

Cheers Fetish, I'll miss you.

The chance to meet Fetish never came into my life. After reading this, I regret that.

Support and sympathy
S~

A beautiful tale about a beautiful cat.

I never really got to meet Fetish until after she was starting to get sick, but the first thing that struck me about her was how calm and loving an welcoming she was, always happy to just be where the people were, and not really demanding anything other than space on a favorite lap.
And her soft-paws were the awesomest.

She had a beautiful life with the person she picked.

I first met fetish at your apartment on Maine (right? Maine?) when curieuse and I came over for pizza and to hang out with you one evening. (This was likely fall 2005? or spring 2006?) I remember being impressed by such a playful and affectionate cat; we made friends right away.

At one point, I was petting her when she jumped up and ran to her food bowl and began to mew at you with indignation. It was her exact dinnertime, by the clock, and she knew. You fed her and all was well again. :)

Fetish was one of the sweetest kitties I have ever met, and I have met MANY! I remember her enjoying my lap snuggled in the crook between my thighs.

beautiful, beautiful post. *hugs*

I only met her the once but I remember being so amazed that this black cat had no fear of people when my black cat was just a big wuss.

How lucky you both were to have each other.

You're so right about her liking people. Just about every time I was there for knitting she would stretch out on my lap and just settle comfortably in for pats and warmth, and purr away.

Edited 2011-01-31 05:02 (UTC)

She was the loviest kitty, ever.

Beautiful post. Glad I got to meet her, she was a great kitty. You gave her a loving forever home and a full life. Hugs.

This was beautiful to read. A beautiful tribute, to a cat and the mysteries of life.

Wow, what an amazing cat!
Thank you for sharing this.
I wish I had a memorable interaction with her to share... :-)
y

I don't have any Fetish memories to share but you know I had my Benny (http://users.livejournal.com/_luaineach/tag/benny) and I cried the tears-streaming-from-eyes while reading this.

I am so very sorry for your loss but so glad that Fetish was a part of your life.

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Eulogy

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Sympathy

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