Too much at once

[clevermanka]

The jackhammers that are tearing apart the street outside my office were already going full guns when I arrived at work this morning and they haven't stopped. When they started construction last week, the thumping was occasional and I could laugh at it. It sounded and felt like the building was about ready to collapse underneath me. Even my monitor would shake. Destruction began in earnest yesterday, though, and the near-constant barrage of noise and vibration is taking a toll. I can't laugh about it anymore. This is exhausting and stressful. I wonder if I can declare it a hostile work environment and refuse to come in until they're done with this phase of the construction.

When I got off work yesterday I bought a pack of cigarettes. I smoked one and felt sick and nauseated afterward. I chalked it up to low blood sugar. After I forced down another bowl of the chicken and broth I had another smoke and felt sicker than I had after the first. This morning I emailed a couple graduate students to see if they want the rest of this pack.

I had nightmares last night about poisoned squirrels dying slow, horrible deaths on the back porch. I could have woken myself up but I knew it would take forever for me to fall back asleep so I watched many squirrels die, hoping the dream would just stop. Of course it didn't and I finally woke myself up around 2am. Heartsick and miserable, I didn't fall back asleep for a long time.

Because of the wretched sleep, I couldn't get myself out of bed to go to the gym today. That might have been a good option physically, but psychologically I needed to move around some weights today. The gym isn't open in the evenings during the summer so I'll have to wait until tomorrow and hope I sleep better tonight.

This morning as I was eating my pureed carrots and dry meatballs it sunk in that I'm not going to be able to eat normally--my value of normal--for months. Probably many months. I almost cried.



Things are not going well.

Comments

[1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com]

That sounds utterly miserable! I hope you get better sleep tonight! <3
(http://s943.photobucket.com/user/rhis_ljstuff/media/gifs/tumblr_inline_mt8fs7CaUW1r0719l_zpsf3898064.gif.html)

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[hdsqrl.livejournal.com]

Come join me in my blanket fort. Things will get better...eventually. <3

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I hope so? This new experiment will work or it won't I guess, and if it doesn't I'll just keep looking for something else that might.

It's getting exhausting, though. I admit I'm *this close* to giving up and reconciling myself to the fact that I'm never going to feel healthy or comfortable in my body.

[hdsqrl.livejournal.com]

I kind of hope that once you get to the end of trying everything under the sun, that a magical reset button gets hit and you suddenly can eat WHATEVER you want and feel amazing. That would be the only possible sort of justice after all of this.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

It's a good thing that I don't think justice exists on a universal scale. =/

[alryssa.livejournal.com]

D:

I'm sorry. That sucks really hard.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It really does.

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Pablo patted my leg while i read this. I think he meant it for you.
The icon is what he thinks about construction noise.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Aw. Thanks, Pablo.

[seascribe.livejournal.com]

Oh, hon. *hugs* You and me and that gif need to curl up under a desk and be miserable together, because that is how I feel too right now.

I'm sorry everything is so stressful and awful, and I hope it improves soon. Thinking of you.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Right back atcha, bb.

[chronovore.livejournal.com]

That sounds incredibly rough.

Viktor Frankl posited that, while we can't always choose our situation, we can always choose our reaction to our situation. I know this has been a long and difficult road for you to walk, and you've got some of it yet to go; is there a positive perspective you can draw from this?

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I agree that one is always in control of how one reacts to a situation (barring certain mental issues). I don't, however, have much interest in gleaning lessons or positive spins on things. I don't believe for an instant that everything happens for a reason. So I don't really need positive perspectives. I do, however, have a whole hoard of examples of what will happen to me if I don't fight tooth and nail for my health. I see my paternal grandparents, both dead fairly early from poor physical habits and consistent indulgences in their vices (alcohol, smoking, loads of sugary foods). I see my maternal grandmother, now unable to walk because of her lifelong sedentary habits. I see my mother, also a sedentary person with poor eating habits, increasingly frail and unable to manage her heath adequately, despite recent improvements to her health lifestyle.

So while I might not have a bright side to the situation, I have a hell of a lot of motivation to keep fighting. I know that it's a fight I very well might lose, but I'm at least going to go down swinging.

[chronovore.livejournal.com]

**throws horns**

[davesmusictank.livejournal.com]

I just hope that you get better days ahead and a good night's rest.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

ME, TOO.

Also, Hello!

[pointoforigin.livejournal.com]

OYYYY. No, noise is no joke. It really gets painful after awhile. And that dream--shudder! This sounds like a day when everything that's supposed to be comforting grown little prickly things all over it. I'm so sorry. All I can say is, I hope it gets better. And your employers should be ashamed of themselves and BEG you to work from home, and have lovely flowers, an apology, and a couple of gift cards sent to your home when you get there. Not that they will, but they should.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

My employers are all WORKING FROM HOME. This isn't the first time this has happened, either. One time during a different construction project the chair of the department (not our current chair) who has an office three doors down from me, left the building while (literally) screaming "I can take this! I'm working from home!" She didn't even bother to ask us if we were okay or if she could petition campus administration for us to take administrative leave. This is the same chair who would come to my office nearly every day to take a tissue from the box I kept on my desk. She never brought in a box for herself or offered to buy one for me. I eventually started keeping them in a drawer where she couldn't easily get them.

[sherwood21.livejournal.com]

:(

*hugs*

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It's still going today (Wednesday). Three days in a row. CHRIST.

[grnvixen.livejournal.com]

So sorry you aren't feeling well. And construction is never fun at the 'best' of times but definitely worse when you already feel bad. Hope the new eating plan smooths out soon, and the jackhammers stop soonest!

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Hope the new eating plan smooths out soon

Well, it's already pretty smooth, seeing as I puree all vegetable matter for the next few months.

[msmitti.livejournal.com]

jebus. I don't have anything to offer other than sympathy.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Today is better, at least.

[the-lucky-nun.livejournal.com]

Y'know, the Chemistry Storeroom office in Malott has a large punching bag hanging from a hook. What I'm saying is, there's a precedent.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

That is Very Good Information.